SRS My GF/Fiancee of 8 years turned into a bar whore...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by fahrfrumlosin, Aug 29, 2005.

  1. fahrfrumlosin

    fahrfrumlosin OT Supporter

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    I've been with this girl for 8 years, and we've had our ups and downs all throughtout. The last 4 years, I had to endure nothing but our weekends of just studying because she had to pass all her classes and graduate on time. Mind you, we've had fights before, just like most other relationships and in between breakups, we've been with other people only to come back to each other. Well the last 2 years, she's been great and we rarely fought, so in May we got engaged. As of this past June, roughly 1mo after engagement, she graduated from nursing school and got her RN. She also has a BS in psychology. So now working in the real world, she works 3 days/week - 12-14hr shifts. I myself graduated 3 years ago and work a 5-day/40-60 work week in IT. Her shift is for the momeny 7am-10pm 3 days a week, i am 8:30-5pm if not later mon-fri.

    Now at first, she wanted to celebrate finishing school, which is fine. This involved going to bars with her gfs from college and other friends I knew. As of lately though shes been going much more frequently, this weekend being the most frequent, fri-sun every night she went drinking. Also our communication has broken down, Thurs when she went to a karaoke bar (im not considering this alcoholic as it is a cafe), she did not call me all day and called when she got home around 11pm. Her excuse was she knew I was busy, although she always called during the day regardless whether she knew I was busy or not. To me this was the first real sign. Friday night she goes into NYC with her friends and comes home after midnight when the last bus leaving NYC comes back. Saturday night, she spends the day down the shore with her other friend and calls me around 9pm saying they want to go to a bar and asked me if I wanted to come. I told her I really wanted to spend time and if she can get away from that friend for me. She did and I took her out and she got plastered. I took her home and we spent the night together. The next day (sunday) we spent the afternoon in NYC, making out publicly in many places (which we never really did) in the car at intersections and things just seemed to have gotten better. We get back to have dinner at my parent's and watch a movie, which I come to find later she really didn't want to watch but didn't tell me.

    Now she's falling asleep, so I asked if she was tired and if she wanted me to take her home which she replied she was. So I drive her home, and she's falling asleep in the car, while my car is pretty loud, and i'm listening to some old George Carlin skits. (case in point, shes tired). So I get her home, kiss goodnight, tell her we'll speak some before bed. So I get back and see her online. Her mom asked her to get some wedding dates that we discussed so I e-mail them to her. I figure OK in a few min we'll talk some and say good night and go to bed.

    She calls 10min later telling me my cousin invited her out with his friends to go to a pub. At this point, I'm bothered, since she gave me the impression that she was tired which was why I took her home to begin with. She says "well you know how I am, if i'm tired, I need to go to bed right then and if not, i'm awake for awhile". I told her I had a real problem with this, and her only reply is "well your cousin is on his way here to pick me up". So I told her, well whatever, i'm tired, go have fun (kinda sarcastically which she didnt seen to get or ignored) and she left. 10 minutes later I call her again to tell her, I have a real problem with this and I feel kinda betrayed. Again her response is "well we're on our way there now what is the problem", which again I tried to explain but she couldn't understand." Then I popped the question, "why am I not invited to go?". Then she says OH you can come, let me give you the address, but I told her i gotta get up early, i thought we were goin to bed, i know you dont have work tomorrow but i do. So she tells me to go to sleep we'll talk tomorrow. Now im even more infuriated, i told her we really need to talk about this, but then she walks into the bar and she can't hear me anymore. I tried to think this through and through and I couldnt go to sleep. An hour passes and I decide i'm gonna head down there and have a talk with her (regardless of how I look).

    I get down there around 1:30am and I get lost. As I'm about to turn around, I see my cousin's car fly past me, so I go after them. I wait till we get to a stop light to come along side. My gf was in the backseat with her friend but fortunately nothing was goin on, although she had a look on her face either "oh shit or oh I can't believe he's here". So shes screaming, "oh i have to go, i have to go, all drunkily" The guy sitting next to her tries to stop her from leaving, she hits him playfully. So she comes into my car, hugs me and kisses me and tells me "wow your really playing a boyfriend tonight" as she reaked of alcohol.

    I told her how I felt and on the way back to her house, i proceeded to tell her, I dont trust my cousin anymore, I don't trust your decisions anymore, you have no regard for how I feel about anything and this is literally the second time this week I have a problem with what your doing. She tells me I'm controlling her, but I told her, I dont have a problem with you going out with your friends, I have a REAL problem with you telling me you were tired and that is why I took you home, if I had known you were tired, I wouldn't have taken you home early. Then she gets pissed, yells out I want to be free. So I say fine, you can be free, but I'm gonna have to come over and take my stuff.

    I went up to her room, grab some clothes I keep if I sleep over, and (albeit kinda immaturely) the laptop I gave her that I "took" from work. She sees me at the door with the laptop, and she says "fine, Goodbye (kinda happily) and that was it.

    So yes, I did something on impulse, but I am now feeling even more pain than I was. I lost a fiancee, I really hate my cousin and can't believe the way things turned out. I could've waited till she sobered up to talk about this all, but it really would've came out the way it was in my opinion. I really don't have a problem with her hanging out with her friends, I just thought 1) its really excessive how she's always drinking at bars, especially 3-days in a row, 2) I have a real problem how she lead me to believe she was tired, then somehow she's not and goes out again w/my cousin and friends.

    I got roughly 2 hours of sleep last night and its really affecting me at work. I am trying to plan my after hours tonight to keep busy and i'm giving her a 2-week time period before I officially declare this over (as normally we dont stay mad at each other for more than 48hours) but there's that possibility and at this point im still angry at her. I wish I could make her feel my pain. I am lost at this point.
     
  2. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    I stopped reading after the first paragraph. So you broke up and got back together multiple times, and saw other people in between huh?

    Guess what, its not going to work out. You have split up in the past for a reason, and you will do the same in the future. It sounds like you 2 are very much infatuated with each other, and rely on each other much more than you LOVE each other.

    Sorry man, take all the time you need, but just from the past this relationship doesnt have a future, then taking into account the rest of what you said... well is it really worth saving just to go through this again and again the rest of your life?
     
  3. fahrfrumlosin

    fahrfrumlosin OT Supporter

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  4. Mippity

    Mippity New Member

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    that's rough.
    But if she doesn't get back to you soon, I'm sure it should be over.
    If she wants to take the bars over your relationship, she obviously isn't worth it.

    You might talk to your cousin and ask him why the hell he was taking her out so late. I'm sure she has confided in him over the ordeal.

    make sure you update!That was a long read. Good luck
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You can still talk to her when she's sobered up, but unfortunately, my take on it is that once she graduated and entered the real world, she kind of also wanted to shed her old staid, humdrum life too. Which, sadly, includes you.

    The fact that you supported her all those years...well, that sort of thing often doesn't enter into a person's head at times like these. They feel restless NOW, they want a change...NOW.

    She's even told you exactly what she wants..."I want to be free". My god, this is so textbook, it'd be sad and cliched if it weren't real. You couldn't even write this up as a play cause any editor would reject it for being so overdone. It's more common than fishes in the sea.

    Talk to her if you want, but this relationship was lost a long time ago. She stuck through with it because it was convenient to her at that time, because she was busy trying to get through school, because her mind and energy were focused elsewhere.

    But now that she's done school and entering a new phase in her life...it's time for a full spring cleaning. Including you.

    Now...some girls do realize their mistake and that they've screwed up a good thing. Not often, but it does happen.

    The best thing you can do is to take the high road, be a big man, hold you head up and don't act like a immature pisser. Always take the high road. At least try to.

    Hang out with your friends, and get another girlfriend soon. I'm serious. Don't mope.

    Don't try to "make her feel your pain". Honestly, that lessens your chances of getting back (which I don't think you should do, but if it turns out that way...it's your choice).

    Reignite your own life. Take back what is rightfully yours. SHE DOES NOT DETERMINE YOUR HAPPINESS.

    Good luck.
     
  6. Porquechop

    Porquechop New Member

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    I think Johan has some good points.

    Marriage is hard enough dealing with the new, surprise, hurdles that come after the wedding. I would strongly advise you not to enter into a marriage with existing problems of the magnitude of what you are describing.

    Even if you get back together, it may be wise to call the engagement off for now, even if that brings up a lot of questions and embarrassment, or even if it ends up costing money.

    I think you are very reasonable to be pissed over what she has been doing, and she really doesn't sound too concerned for your happiness.
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2005
  7. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    I agree with Johan, and don't forget to get your ring back. It sucks to realize that you've both changed and grown apart from each other, but it's happened and from the sounds of it she's not interested in changing her life for the growth of your relationship.

    If you take her back now, or at any time within the next two weeks, she's not going to change. Why? You're reinforcing the fact that no matter how bad things get and no matter how much shit you give her about her behaviour, everything's all right in the end. In other words, she won't change until you kick her to the figurative curb, and she might not change even then.

    Save yourself a lot of future grief and cut your losses now. Yes, it will hurt, but it will hurt even worse to be a doormat married to a philandering bar star. Your future is in your hands.
     
  8. fahrfrumlosin

    fahrfrumlosin OT Supporter

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    Thanks for the replies everyone...I gotta say, I'm a big mess...i'm trying not to mope, yet people can see it in my face, very little appetite...I decide to out out to lunch for a walk to clear my head and went to a nearby mall, yet everything there reminds me of her.

    As much as I am pissed off about this whole situation, i'm very heartbroken that she could not see my side. I even called up a few friends last night after it happened to make sure I was doing the right thing, as I acted with my heart when I made the decision to leave.

    I still havent found anyone to hang out with later and my anxiety is getting worse.
     
  9. kaxfenix

    kaxfenix Guest

    Fahrfrumlosin, Buddy I went through something very much the same as you. But I was married to her. yeah it suck, yeah its fucking hard and it hurts, but better you didnt marry her and it end later in life man. Take it one step at a time, but that relationship is unhealthy. Think about how she has been making you feel, is she worth it to have that feeling the rest of your life ?
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Sometimes you have to cut off a rotted gangrenous limb to save the rest of the body. Sure it hurts to lose your arm...but your arm is already gone.
    Save the rest of the body.

    Except with these things...you can grow a new arm. You CAN meet another who is 100X what this one is to you. Yes, it can happen.

    Be glad its now instead of after a few years of marriage. Or better yet...after you have a couple of kids.
    Now or later. I choose now.
     
  11. fahrfrumlosin

    fahrfrumlosin OT Supporter

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    Guys, look what she wrote on her myspace..

    Monday, August 29, 2005

    indecisiveness
    Current mood: drained

    Ok, long story, I will try to make it short as possible. My fiance just broke it off with me b/c I was hanging out with friends too much? Or was it because I was tired and then because I didn't go to sleep right when I needed to I became overtired=awake. Something called change and not adapting well. Well, it all started a while back when it was a chase. After learning to trust, he became all into his hobby and not enough into me. I use to wait and wait and wait for him to come back and then he is all stinky and smell like burnt rubber and then something or another. Always waiting, always having headaches and back problems and just negativity with that hobby. Then I moved on from this, I would never go thru this again. I fell for this guy who I was with for 6 months or so, fell hard core for him. Especially since it was March, right after this court date thing; where no one would be there for me, and it was such perfect timing. Oh yea, the bf at the time, he couldn't even go to my court hearing or anything, too busy doing his own thing. Nearly moved to 3,000 miles, but he couldn't wait a few months for me to finish school. As bad as it sounds, even tho they were only 6 months as opposed to 8 years, those 6 months were so amazing, and he is the one that I compare a guy to now, and if someone can't reach those standards, then that person can't make me happy. So, me and my bf got back together, rocky as hell, his parents hated me, I was just this uncatholic, unphilipino, stupid psych major girl....so in a nutshell, he wonders why I have such resentment towards people, including his hobby since childhood. Competition, is not in me, I am who I am, accept it or leave it. So, my mother is pressuring me for dates for the wedding...is there any guy out there that will love me for me, give me the time and attention I need, but also give me the time with my friends that I need...I just feel there is too much drama, baggage, past history and not enough willing to make things work, or a thing called compromising anymore. I am either yelling, bitching, or something in his eyes...so why should I bother. He is already convinced of how I am and nothing will change that. I think I am a very nice, sweet person till my limit is broken and I think it broke years ago. Do I still love this guy? Yes I do love him, but am I still in love with him? I don't know... Or is it just a matter of habit and this is what I know. I feel like I am willing to see what else is out there, for there is too much past with us. I do hold grudges, my fault. But I admit to it. Everyone has their bad parts as well. I will never be good enough, never be a phillipino catholic, never want to have children, can't cook, fat, becoming a freaking alcoholic. But in the end, I get the love and attention that I crave my ex would give me, from my friends; who I consider my family. I love all of my friends from the bottom of my heart. Right now, without u, I don't know what I would do.

    **

    in response, I posted a bulletin of the story I posted here :)
     
  12. onedownfiveup

    onedownfiveup Active Member

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    It's over. Say goodbye.
     
  13. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    Sounds like she's bored with the relationship.
     
  14. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    fahrfrumlosin, I think your intuition is telling you that this girl is not for you. I understand that you are hurting now, but if you marry her your trouble will be just beginning. From a distance you will see the path her life takes and I can only think that you will be rejoicing that you aren't a part of it.

    Don't get sucked into her myspace drama. Like she said... "is there any guy out there that will love me for me." So do you want a lush and all the other stuff she is evolving towards. I don't think so, put a few states between you and her. :eek4d:
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2005
  15. SpaMan

    SpaMan Mind over matter.

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    Sounds like she's been lying to you and herself for quite some time. Maybe it wasnt meant to be? She needs to learn it's always greener on the other side. In theory, once she gets bored of getting drunk in bars every night and screwing around with guys who don't care to love or get to know her, she'll come running back to you. Now if you two both believe it was 'true' love, then maybe you two could work it out, but it sounds like a shitty track record of incompatibility. IMO, you should just move on and phase her out, like people have said here.
     
  16. slims

    slims New Member

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    johan again with a great reply.
    dude my g/f just went to college and dropped me a few weeks after. She wants to be free too. I feel you man. She couldn't have any obligations, it's was too hard for her to .. call me once a day, or talk to me online when she wasn't in classes.
    At least you know it's over, my girlfriend wants me to wait, even though I see nothing but problems in the relationship.
    And you don't have to give the whole "I don't care if she hangs out with friends but,". What's most important is how you feel, you don't have to justify it. If you don't like it, the relationships not going to work. You don't like her drinking all the time, and now it's not working.
     
  17. quid

    quid I Piss Excellence OT Supporter

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    i think that bold part says it right there.....
    love and attention she craves you would give her comes from getting trashed with her firends....

    so unless your ready to quit your job to drink with her, even though that wont be good enough anyway, i say, sorry bro, but its all over
     
  18. Drummin Jess

    Drummin Jess New Member

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    :hug:

    It sounds like she wasn't ready for the plunge. Especially if she's publicizing it on Myspace, that's childish and immature.

    Has she tried to come to YOU and talk to YOU about it? About how she feels about it? If not, I think it's obvious what needs to be said here.

    This is tough. And tough on you, especially since you're the hurting one, and she's the one pissing it away. You seem to be a genuine guy, she seems to be dishonest and untrustworthy.

    If you're going to get married, get married to somebody who doesn't post her feelings on Myspace before coming to you. That's just screaming disaster, drama, immaturity, and stupid high-school games.

    It's too bad she had her life on such a prepaved path, and now it's virtually completely different than it was projected.

    Everything will work out for the best. :hug: Keep us updated. If you need to talk, we're all ears.. at least I know I am. :sadwavey:
     
  19. fahrfrumlosin

    fahrfrumlosin OT Supporter

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    Thanks everyone...I havent been on O-T in the last couple of days, but alot has happened.

    My EX-gf (gf) called the night I posted this to work things out. She came to me very sincere, so I heard her side of the story and told her once again mine. We came to terms with everything except her disregard for my feelings about going after she told me she was initially tired. There have been times where even I have been droopy/falling asleep, then something excites me, then I can't go...so I have to give her benefit of the doubt.

    After 2 hours of talking - I decided to get my cousin involved. He assured me he had no foul play involved. I told him straight up that if he is to take my gf out late at night to a bar, either one of 3 things must occur 1) he invite me with her and not just invite her, 2) call me to tell me he is doing this 3) both...

    He agreed and that was that. So time will tell, I have a 3-day business trip next week to Toronto and she'll be left behind, but working hellish hours 7:30 - 10:30. We will see what transpires but we are taking things slowly. I also plan to hang out with her some tomorrow.

    I know most of you told me to just dump the girl, but its been 8 years and this is real as getting rid of her is like getting rid of my heart. Without each other, we are completely miserable and as I've told you and recently demonstrated, we can't go 24 hours without working things out. I've also voiced my concerns that maybe she is still in this relationship out of habit or fear of moving on, she disagrees and somehow I believe her.

    But yesterday was a hellish day for me as someone broke into my car, stole my 30gb photo ipod, dell latitude d600 laptop and 100+ CDs ive had since high school. So lets just say, this isn't my week :(

    Sorry for whining.
     
  20. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    Good luck. :hs:

    P.S. You learned a hard lesson with your car break-in: Nothing is safe inside a car. I'm 100% serious when I say it's no better than leaving it on the sidewalk. Consider whatever you leave in your car to be "open to the public."
     
  21. StuDLei

    StuDLei Death before Dishonor

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    I dont think I have ever posted in this forum and I rarely read it. But I read this thread and I had to at least comment.
    My story has alot of similarities, but a twist. The twist was Iraq. I went away for 7 months. During that time my gf got a new job, and she made new friends. She changed.
    I still have no clue what happened. I just cannot believe it. Its been almost 5 months, but I still feel the same.
    Its funny, because I am told by her that I am immature, etc. I have my immaturities yes, I wholeheartedly admit. But I consider myself to be a fairly mature person, and I dont mean to sound "stuck up" here but I have been told by my fellow Marines, that I am the most calm, rationale, moral man Ive ever met."
    I question everything. I dont get it. I dont think I ever will. Its just something I cannot contemplate or understand. No MATTER WHAT, I am the bad guy and immature though. It doesnt matter if she cheated on me 100times, its justified. she would justify it, and then i would, and then i would feel bad for "bringing it up" or being mean. thats just fucked up, and i know it, but i cant change the way i feel.

    I just wanted the thread starter to know that i know alot of how you feel. That is the only comfort I can give you. To know that I know how you feel.

    I used to be a big believer that people get what they deserve, but im not so sure anymore.

    out.
     
  22. Mugwump

    Mugwump Guest

    Studlei, women are good at "playing victim."
     
  23. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    And you still love here after she treats you like this?
     
  24. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    She has something typical that all people want. Her working 12-14 hours for 3 days , basically comes down to 'when i get out of work i want to have fun big time' , she's a young woman who wants to enjoy the fun of life. No wonder she goes beserk on alcohol because she works so much that she has got to let it all out on the days that you aren't there for her. I think the origin of the problem lies in the job that she has. instead of working 12-14 hours for 3 days. She should get a 40hours /5 days = 8 hours a day job. Or say to herself, to work 32 hours a week,because she's obviously getting too much stress. And she should be free when you are free, so that both of you can mutually enjoy eachother. What fun is it if you can't enjoy time with your fiancee because you have to work constantly, both of you two should ask the question. Do you work to live or do you live to work? Heck, sometimes its better to settle for the brass instead of going for the diamond. Althought money should be carefully managed, what good is it if you can't be there for eachother? :sad2:
     
  25. fahrfrumlosin

    fahrfrumlosin OT Supporter

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    Darketernal - i agree wholeheartedly!!! One of the things we discussed during our patch up talk was about our schedules. She openly admitted that she went out without regard to me because I was never around when she was around (ie day off from work). So this week I made an adjustment: rather than working on my project porsche everyday, I haven't touched it this week in favor of today being her 2nd of 2 days off. And then there's the long labor day weekend, so of course, she'll have some time to herself if she needs it. We hung out after she got out of work last night and was real happy to see me. This was our first time back after the breakup. We cuddled for the whole time we saw each other and it was like this past Sunday all over again :)

    StuDLei: thanks for sharing your thoughts. I feel for you about your situation as well. If anything, I think you came out of Iraq a better person, if she doesn't see that then she does not deserve you. Its just terrible that she can't appreciate you for who you are. I tell you what, during my time in NYC when my truck got broken into, I hung with this girl and she appreciated my hobby saying things like "wow, i'd like to go to one of your car shows or help you out when your cleaning up and preparing" (something my gf hated). When we got back to my truck and while waiting as I spoke to my insurance company, she cleaned out the glass so I wouldn't get hurt on my ride back to NJ. She showed me there are girls out there that can care for me as well as my current gf. So at least I have options.
     

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