SRS My g/f and I are at a crossroad.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by gnat, Aug 15, 2005.

  1. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    Well Saturday my girlfriend grabbed the dog, a good bit of her clothes and went to her mom's house. Here is what started it.

    Friday I call her and ask if she wants to go to look at a house on the lake. She declines and says she's been out in the sun all day, sweating, being tired, and she didn't want to do anything. I call her around the time I figured she'd be home and she was at her friend's house. I said I thought you didnt' want to do anything and she said she just wanted to drop by there and chill a minute, have a beer hang out a little then come home and do nothing. Ok. SO 10pm rolls around and she comes strolling in and by then I'm pissed. I don't like it in the least bit when she tells me one thing and does another. In my eyes, staying over there from 6pm to 10pm is NOT "doing nothing". I wanted to do something, whether it be go to a friends house(something she may have wanted to do) or go to the lake, it didn't matter. All she knew was she didn't want to go to the lake. Anyway, she got home, I told her to sleep on the couch and just stay away from me, I'm mad and I'd rather not deal with her. She complied. I explained why I was angry. That being said....

    She leaves the next day after some early morning arging. We'd been having issues previously in the last month or so. The subject of her going to her mom's has surfaced more than once. The heart of these problems is that I have a son, and she is living in a family setting with me. She's upset that I haven't married her yet, or proposed. She says she's doing all the work with none of the rewards. While I agree I'll explain why I haven't asked her yet. I'm still scared. I love her, I truely do, but we've had a rough 2 years. We see eye to eye on so much about family, friends etc that it'd be a shame to let her go. We're usually really close, and alot alike in SO many ways. Kinda wierd that we've known each other for sooo long(prolly 10+ years) and never hooked up. It seems we got together at the perfect times in our lives actually.

    I'm scared because I've been married before. My wife cheated on me and I divorced her and took our son. I've had him for 5 years now. I've been very slow about getting back into a serious relationship and I've been slow to jump to any new levels. I fear with our sometimes volitile state that she could really cause me some grief. So I somewhat don't trust her completely, or I have insecurity issues. The problem is, this makes me delay. I don't want to make a rash decision about the rest of my life, even though I've had preasure on me to do so. Regardless of the right or wrong I've grown into my own point of view about marriage. I want to date, then live with, then marry. I wan't to be very sure. I'm not positive I have the balls to make that step again if I'm not overly compelled and completely positive about it.

    It's really eating away at her and she says she can't continue the way we are. She says she'll never get married to me if she stays there, and I think she'll never get married to me if she leaves here. Does that make any sense?

    It's really wierd, I've felt minimal depression this time around. He had an issue a year ago and I was heartbroken. I'm not sure why it hasn't hit me yet or if it will. If it never does, I guess I'm ok to be alone. But today I've noticed some depression creeping in. I just want to sleep or take a nap, or keep busy. I've cleaned the house alot this weekend.

    I'm trying to thinnk of ways to look at this situation. I don't think she should be forcing me to ask her for marriage, and I'm not at all sure what it is she really wants out of this. It sounded like she wants to stay together last night on the phone but I don't think I should be forced to comply, asking her to marry me is my choice, her answer is her choice.

    So what can I do... I think I'm going to make a list of pro's and con's lol I know that sounds stupid but it may be therapeutic. I don't think we've worked out our options yet but it didnt' sound good last night (partly cuz I'm a spiteful bastard). What else can I do to get a grip on my situation? I don't know if I'm writing this to get advice or just let it out a little. Comments?
     
  2. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Ask her to go to a family counselor with you as a means of finding some direction in this relationship. Let a counselor set some binding arbitraiton for the both of you.
     
  3. rookie

    rookie New Member

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    exactly what I was thinking
    :werd:
     
  4. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    She's coming over today and bringing dinner or cooking dinner. I told her on the phone.. "We have to decide what we want out of the situation right now, before we can look at a way to mend things/get there." We'll talk some more tonight about it. I was feeling pretty shitty at home last night, but I pushed through it and did alot of house work. Oddly enough I feel great this morning. I hope it not my subconcious at work because I know she's coming over. Visiting was her idea too, I mentioned dinner one night and she said she was planning on getting off work early Tuesday and coming by. She was already thinking about it. She damn sure isn't getting any sex tonight, not sure of her intentions but things like that always seem to happen but it's not an option tonight.

    I'll let everyone know how it goes. On the phone last night was peaceful and entertaining, the night before we were out for blood.

    Thanks for the thoughts guys... I'll mention it and see where it goes.
     
  5. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    G/f came over last night and cooked, we watched some entourage and didn't really speak a word of our impending doom. She and I were both in good moods and I'm not sure how to take it.
     
  6. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    meh, I've done that last thing too many times. When there's stuff going on that needs talked about, but everything's going great and you don't want to jack it up by bringing up the inevitable, you're only postponing it. I'm one of those people that likes to just get the hard things over with.

    If I'd had a really difficult 2 years in my relationship (which I have in the one I'm in right now), I wouldn't get married because of that (which I'm not). I don't have a son, but I'm in a similar situation, being at a point where she acts like she's in it for the long haul, but we've had so many problems lately I just don't want to move on to a next step.

    Maybe if you saw a counselor together, it would clear up things for both of you, and help her realize she can't obligate you into marrying her.
     
  7. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    Thanks zee, I think she knows she can't obligate me to marry her but on the same token I can't expect her to live with me and be a live in mom/gf/housewife without actually marrying her. I see her side of it, and mine. We've really not had that bad of a relationship. Its been pretty good, only a few rough spots.

    I have always been the same way, wanting to talk about whats going on and figure it out. I don't like it weighing on me all the time. I have been the one to bring it up most of the time. My son was awake last night and in the other room so I really didn't want to get into it that much. When I talked to her today she was wondering why I didn't talk about it last night. She was reading all sorts of stuff into it like I didn't care enough to talk about it or other stupid stuff.
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Ditto on Dave's comments. You two are the perfect couple to go to couples counselling.

    You both presumeably want to make it work, you just don't know exactly HOW to do that.

    How to deal with previous baggage on your side.
    How to integrate into a ready made family.
    How to deal with realistic and unrealistic expectations.
    How to talk to each other without escalating little things into big things.

    Good marriage counselling helps you learn these skills. Note that I said GOOD marriage/couples counselling. Not the freebie stuff that some churches give out, or whatever.

    I mean professional therapy with a kind, competent, experienced therapist who can help you learn things that would take you 10+ years and a couple of massive heartbreaks/divorces to learn on your own. And even then, some never learn the lessons contained within every breakup.

    And make no mistake, these are SKILLS that you learn. It's not a matter of "oh, if I just met the RIGHT person, it would all magically click and wouldn't have to do a damn thing". If by some miracle you do meet the "right" person that way, she/he will have already learned the skills before meeting you.

    So if you care about this one, know that there is a way out and into a better place for both of you.
     
  9. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    Thanks johan, I would assume that such a conselor would be quite capable of helping my g/f deal with my ex wife as well. My ex could be the worst mom ever. But she sticks around just enough to cause problems.
     
  10. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    no offense here, but...


    DICK SMACK!

    WAKE UP AND SMELL THE LIMA BEANS!

    lets review:
    you have a great girl who loves you and loves your baby. she's stuck around with you and your son for quite some time (since before your relationship started) now being there for you. through your divorce. holding your hand. being your friend. being your love. she's probably offered you just about everything she's had emotionally. and you're still scared to marry her, or even get her a ring. no wonder she says she feels underappraciated.

    then you get mad and make her sleep on the couch because she wanted to stay at her friends house for a bit rather than come home.

    news flash sweetpea, you are going to lose this girl if you don't shape up here babe.

    i understand that you're afraid. i understand that being hurt sucks really bad. you're not alone, just about everyone understands that. so you guys may fight and things seem rough sometimes- that happens with ALL RELATIONSHIPS. it's okay.

    you have someone who truly loves you. how bad is that going to suck if you let her walk out of your life because you were too scared.

    don't lose her. take everyones' advise and go to counseling. it's worth it.





    "it's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along."
     
  11. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    You've been friends for 10 years. You guys must've known each other well enough to know if this would last after just two months. If you guys get along this well, I don't see what else there is to be sure of. I'd give it a shot or else you may never find someone as good.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2005
  12. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    Allow me to shed some more light on the situation. Btw, I know what compromise is, I've been more than compassionate and understanding.

    We've known each other since high school. I never said she was around through my divorce or previous marriage. Yet we've known each other for a long time.

    I have a mistrust issue with her due to drugs. When the relationship started I had no real idea that she was smoking ice(meth) daily. When I found out I kicked her out, and realized I may be really screwing up by letting her go(I was already in love and heartbroken). I gave her some time and got her back under my roof and helped her the best I could to get off ice. She did it. For about 4-6 months she was clean and then she slipped up again. Now I flipped out, kicked her out again but let her back under certain circumstances. I made damn sure she knew shit would hit the fan if she messed up again. Now she's been clean another 6 months probably and she thinks she deserves a ring? Give me a break, gonna take more than 6months clean for me to fork over a diamond ring. I've made her sever all ties to anyone doing that stuff, and she did so without hesitation. I truely believe she doesn't want to continue doing the stuff.

    She has since removed herself from the crowd she was in (completely) and she's doing good. But when she tells me one thing and does another it really makes me worry. I'm sorry I didn't disclose the full course in the first post but I really didn't feel like going all the way into it.

    I may have some trust issues from being burned before, but she has fostered these issues throughout the relationship.

    The day she left I discontinued my prescribed pain relievers, just so I would have a clean head through all of this. I usually take 2-3 pain relievers a day for my back as prescribed by my doctor. I like them because they take my mind off of my muscle spasms and pain, they actually work. I have a post in the road to recovery requesting more information about my medicine. I've not noticed any adverse reactions/withdrawels to discontinuing(aside from my overall pain level). I more or less want to make sure that I'm no hypocrite and that it doesn't have a factor in where our relationship goes because our relationship is by far, more important. Btw the return of the pain and spasms suck. You don't notice how much the meds being in your system helps until they're gone heh. SO as of now, nothing from Sat-Thurs. Work is almost unbearable at times, I have to do stretches, lay on the floor, stop working etc. But that's beside the point.

    * Last night UPDATE *

    I pitch the counseling idea...

    It blows up! I'll explain. It turns out ok, we're going to seek some counseling. But I said I wanted to see a professional counselor, not preacher offering free marriage counseling etc. She flipped out with some don't discredit god and all that shit. I thought for a minute that she really just didn't want to be with me so I laid it out on the line. I told her to tell me right now one way or another if you actually want to be with me. Explained nicely that I don't want her to be scared to tell me if thats the way she feels. She explained the way she feels, and she wants to be with me. So I explain to her why I want to go to a professional and I smoothly talk her down to understand that I'm not counting god out right off the bat, I merely want to see someone who is more qualified to give that advice. I told her, if she wants to go to church, I'll go with her. When she realized I just want to get the best help possible to help us learn how to move on she conceeded and apologized for jumping the gun. She later talked to her mom about it and her mom backed me up, stating that she and her father had been to counseling as well etc.

    That being said we're going to seek some counseling. She was much more emotional last night, I think alot of this is starting to sink in. It's like walking on eggshells for both of us.

    Thanks alot for all the advice guys... just writing and listening helps alot.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2005
  13. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    I'm glad that worked out. It sounds like she's prone to jumping to conclusions a lot. The drug thing explains a lot of your hesitance.
     
  14. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Bravo! You handled it very well, very calmly, and very reasonably.

    Good for you on not rolling up both sleeves and jumping into the mosh pit with her when she lost her cool.

    I think you have understood what needs to be done, and why. I hope the process works well for you. Remember that you need to find a good competent EXPERIENCED therapist that you both trust and feel comfortable with.

    It's not like going to a surgeon or dentist where you passively lie on the table, he works on you for a bit....and then BING! you're done.

    You're both going to have to put in a lot of effort into putting into practice all the stuff you learn. It might feel odd at first. You might revert to old habits. You might slip back into shouting and arguing -- because it's what you've always done -- even though you begin to see now that arguing worsens things. It usually doesn't improve things.

    Most times you're just venting anger...which is fine but you can learn to vent anger so it's not at the cost of your relationship. Why jab the fork into your own eye when you really don't have to?

    You should feel like you're in the presence of a caring, wise and knowledgeable person who is able to clarify things, and guide you both out of your current situation.

    It's PARAMOUNT that your wife feel comfortable with whomever you choose. It's clear to me that she is going to the big factor in this. You're already handling your side pretty well. Basically you need someone your wife trusts and will listen to instead of dismissing the content as a bunch of BS.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2005
  15. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    awesome job with the counceling situation! sounds like you handled it quite nicely.
    good luck and keep us posted :)
     
  16. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    Things are in the air at this point, friday was fucked up to say the least. I may be calling this one off on my own. I'll let some of my feelings surface this week and we'll see how it goes. I'm pretty pissed off atm and the relationship has been pushed back another 6 months. "Never trust a junkie" - Ministry

    She'll be going to counseling of her own before we ever go to any relationship counseling.
     
  17. RotiEatter

    RotiEatter New Member

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    I'm guessing she smoked meth again?

    Damn dude, I'm sorry. That sucks... I have no idea why anyone would want to continue smoking that shit. Oh well, good luck bro.
     
  18. RotiEatter

    RotiEatter New Member

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    Tell her Parents that she's a meth addict, if they don't already know.

    She may have ruined your guys relationship, but you do love her so don't let her ruin her whole life, eh?
     
  19. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    They know, she beat me to it. Last night was interesting though, we got in an arguement and I blew my top. LOL, god I was pissed. I told her how I felt, and that she easily just pushed the relationship back 6 months to a year and don't even think about mentioning marriage etc etc. She broke down, evidently I said some hurtful things and she now has something to think about. The good thing is she's not doing it alot... maybe once every other week. She only went for it about 5 times in 3-4 months. This is worlds better than every day, and every other day, as she used to do. And she certainly doesn't want to do it or be regular doing it. Anyways, she certainly won't be coming to live with me any time soon if at all, and she knows this now. She's just now starting to reap the seeds she's sown.
     
  20. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    man, I'm sorry to hear that. May be time to give up the relationship, but don't give up on her. Sounds like she needs someone to help her seriously.
     
  21. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    Yah I know we may be at that point but she is still very sincere and she still needs my help.

    She said she wanted to move back in and I explained to her that we are not at that point anymore. She can't just come home when she feels like it, we have to sort this out completely.

    We did have a sort of break through with some advice from me. I explained that she needed a support system and she can talk to me about her feelings with that touchy subject. She has been acting as if she couldn't(prolly my fault). But she talked to me about some feelings she has had recently concerning her problem and I think of this as very positive.

    Prior to all of this she was led to believe that I would leave her if she did it again which only caused her to hide it from me. That's not a very supportive approach but thats the way I went about it in my inexperience. I'm trying out some new things :)
     
  22. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    Good man. All I have to say to that.
     
  23. johan

    johan Active Member

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    It's your choice, but you can be supportive without being her boyfriend. Meth brings pain.
     
  24. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    I'm quite aware. :hs:
     

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