This is my story, I am currently in this situation and need advice. I know it's pretty long, but I put a lot into it, so if you have the time please read and chime in. Thanks. There comes a time in life when you have to ask yourself, “What do I want most, more than anything else in the world?” After much debate and reminiscence I would have to say the thing I want most is to feel the way I did when I came to Vietnam at the age of fourteen and met the only girl I’ve ever truly loved. In the neighborhood they called her “Hot Nhan” because she had the biggest prettiest eyes that reminded people of the seed inside the nhan fruit. That was a name I would not soon forget, because it was the name of the girl I loved. I’ve tried and failed at trying to have relationships, none were ever as simple and satisfying as the one I shared with her. I remember taking her to school on a 50cc 2-stroke motorbike every morning and picking her up in the early afternoon while I was here in Saigon. I remember waiting every moment for the time to go pick her up and the joy I felt when I got the chance to spend just minutes with her. That was thirteen years ago… now, that I’m back in same place again, I wonder. I wonder what would have happened had I made the effort to write her or call her, I wonder if it would’ve made any difference if I would’ve tried to come see her. All these thoughts rush through my mind as I see her for the first time in thirteen long years. I remember what I felt like when I first saw her beautiful smile, those big beautiful eyes that told me that we would be friends forever. She’s as beautiful as she’s ever been and she smiles to me as if I never left her, all these feelings rush through my head like the floodgates had just been opened. I remember exactly what I loved most about this place and why I desire to be back here so much. As she speaks to me I feel my knees start to give and look for a place to sit, just the sight of her renders me speechless. I have missed her so much all of these years and now I revisit my first love once again, I feel so helpless because I don’t know anything. I don’t know anything about her life… is she married? Is she in love? Did she forget me? I am overcome with emotion as I’ve never had a second chance at something so important in life. I’ve made many mistakes in my life, I’ve never done anything worthy of her love and I’m afraid that I never will. I feel my heart sink as I realize that nothing I could ever do will ever make up for the years we missed. I learn that she isn’t married and that she earns an honest living working in Saigon. She’s as sweet as she’s ever been, and I hang on every word she says and wait for the next time I can be with her. Is this how love feels, an emotional rollercoaster which leads you nowhere but wanting more? I can’t stand having his feeling anymore. Just the thought of losing her again is too much to bear. As I sit alone I think about all of the wonderful things we couldn’t share, all of the memories we didn’t make together and all of the ones we never will. I still love her as much as I did the first day I saw her. I always will. Some say it’s never too late for love, but I am afraid it’s far too late for us. We’ve missed way too much to make it up in three short weeks time and there’s nothing I can do to fix that. I just hope that she knows how much she’s loved and how much I care for her. I still want her more than anything in the world, but know in my heart that she’s the one thing I cannot have. So I sit here still waiting for the next time we can meet and spend a moment in time together. The time I spend with her is bittersweet, much like getting honey from the hive, you risk the chance of getting stung, but the reward is definitely worth the effort. I want and need what I cannot have, c’est la vie. Such is the way things are… now I am forced to dream of what could have been if I could have been closer to my love. Who knows what could have been if I could have been there for her when she went through tough times, if I could have been her shoulder to cry on, the one to run to? I sit here as alone as I was the day I left this wonderful place so long ago, alone in contemplation. All I can hope for is that she shares the same fond memories that I do and that every once in a while she looks up at the stars and remembers when we did the same as children. I love her so much, but cannot do anything about it… it’s a feeling I would never wish on anyone.