SRS My father is dying

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by bounty_hunter, Jan 4, 2007.

  1. bounty_hunter

    bounty_hunter New Member

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    Background: I've known these people for a long time..all my life, my mother found me when I was young and adopted me. My biological parents..my mother died giving birth to me and my father truely hated me. He was a military man who neglected me and left me with strangers across the world for months at a time. He's now dead, ill be referring to these people as though they're my parents.

    My father and I never really never got along, made me feel like shit..a failure (I was a bit overweight), made me feel as if I was a mistake (just like my real father thought of me). He cheated with my mom multiple times and when I was 14 (im now 20) they finally seperated. He'd come back every now and then never really out of her life. I myself had to grow up with no father figure again especially during my toughest time. In a way it hardened me young and made me more independent. He's a fucking asshole for what he did/has done.

    A year ago he was working and complained of severe headaches..they found a tumor in his brain..he almost died with three massive heart attacks..he had to get a pacemaker. It seemed he had gotten better he was done with lukemia he was apologizing, counting his blessings with my mom and like an idiot my mom forgave him.

    We were in big money troubles, house morgage was getting too expensive (oh by the way everytime he'd get back with my mother he'd refinance the house take that money, fix a few things and conviently disappear). My mother is an idiot..but I guess thats love. My jobs..I gave every single penny to that woman/family.i couldnt even get my licence or car because of trying to save the house. She's on disability (arthritis..romitoid I believe its spelt) and really bad with money. Gambling problems and whatnot (lottery tickets..we won a million dollars but ofcourse the family vultures came and disappeared). But I digress,this is about my "father". We lost (sold it really cheap) the house eventually this wasnt before me working my utter ass off raising 15k to save the house one last time.

    So this was last year,we moved out and had to stay in a hotel..at some points we didnt have the money to stay there, my mother would ask my father for help fibbing that we were going to have to stay at a shelter and my father said "good maybe they'll find you an apartment" ..this is after the whole tumor thing, he never fucking changed.


    up to date: I've always refused to talk to him because I didnt want to hear anymore of his bullshit. 3 month ago he started losing his memory had to move in with his sisters because he couldnt take care of himself anymore. The cancer was back, I've already started to get serious about working out, getting my life in order so I can meet him and finally show him that im stronger then the fucker. Then he pulls this on me. Its been getting bad, lukemia isnt doing anything, if they operate he'll just be a vegetable.

    My mom talking to his family and she spouted all this bullshit about me not talking to him. Apprently he's confusing my cousins with with my brother and I and my cousin michael who i respect wants to talk to me to go down there.

    I do want to see him, he deserves what he's getting but deep inside i feel such a cold sadness. That if I dont make it in time..I can never show him what I've accomplished, what I've become. So I'm working harder then ever and prayed for the first time to give him at least a month.

    By the way the only reason I've stuck around for so long is because my brother is autistic..him and my grandma are the only people I love more then anyone and everything in this world. They are the reason I haven't killed myself or just slipped through.

    I apologize if the story is a bit confusing..im very stressed and depressed..this is one of the many things piling ontop of me, when it rains, pours.
     
  2. infinite loop

    infinite loop Statistically speaking, the Yankees do indeed suck

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    you sound really depressed. have you talked with a healthcare professional? are you on any medications?
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Your off to the shrink, however do NOT take or accept medicines they want to give you. The reason? There's nothing biologically wrong with you or your brain functioning. In a period where you have to get your life back together, the last thing you want is to be drugged and walk like a zombie thru your life.

    You need the shrink to talk talk talk, for as you look back your life has been an entire shit hole, and being in a dysfunctional family your life has been totally fucked up, no doubt about it.

    You say stressed and depressed, but i personally think that if i would take an axe and thrust it thru somebody's body, that person would be less traumatized compared to the oddyseus of shit kind of ocean you have had to swim thru in your life.

    What you need is a 'role model', of how a dad SHOULD be, and a mother who would act responsible,balanced and nurture her shild with love, and a dad who loves you and shows you how to deal with difficulties in your life, and help you learn skills that you need in order to survive in this world.

    Im suprised that as a militairy man, your dad didn't show you any skills, nor how to love life and all what it has to offer.

    I think that you don't have to show off what you accomplished in life, it should be enough for you to be in the knowledge that you can achieve things in life , more then he ever did. You only need that justification for yourself. But here's the catch, you need to go see him, and show him that you still love him despite all the shit he gave you in life, that way you show that you stand above him and his way of life. However go prepared with the concent of mind that he's going to throw more shit at you while at the hospital, don't say i didn't warn you. What you need to try to achieve is closure from this most miserable time of your life. However putting it behind you will demand a greater toll then you initially expect. You will have to forgive him for what he has done, this because forgiving is the only way to draw a line and move on with your life. Try to love him, even tho in your heart you feel he doesn't deserve to be loved by a long shot, again stand above the behaviour that he has displayed, and never take his actions as a role model for your own behaviour. Dr.Phil would be your role model father, even tho it might sound rediculous

    http://www.drphilstore.com/lifestrategies.html
    http://www.drphilstore.com/lifstratwor1.html

    Personally if i where you i would go live on my own and take your autistic brother with you. And to be honest i consider you as having 'severe' difficulties. A straight solution would be nice, but in reality i think you have to aknowledge that you are suffering from long-term post traumatic stress syndrome. And that a series and number of problems have to be overcome, which you can and will overcome.

    So you understand how it is from the outmost importance that you review and re-evaluate your entire life. And you most definitly have my blessing and encouragement to keep on giving a positive swing to your life for the long term, but you definitly need to see a shrink and buy those two books to put in a new strategy and positive work-out ,mentally as wel as physically to set out a path for the reconstruction of your life.

    I usually say that 'if your castle gets destroyed' you can only do two things, crying over the ruins - or - rebuild the ruins. And since crying doesn't add anythning. It would definitly be a good thing, not only to build up towards your future, but also cleaning up the shattered pieces and the big pile and mess your past has made you endure.
     
  4. pixing

    pixing New Member

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    That is a really sad story. I'm not sure what I can add except to agree that a good therapist can help. And while medication is good for some, it's possible to work through the trauma in your past and put all of it in perspective with talk therapy.

    Do not buy into the crap that family > all, clearly your father has abandoned you time and again and while it's sad that he's ill, some might say Karma is finally catching up. Do not feel compelled to give him anything of yourself.

    Your brother will need you, no doubt, but you have to make sure that you're capable. It sounds like if it were just the two of you, you'd make out OK. Despite it all, you turned out OK, you just have some stuff to work through to make sure you stay OK. Depression is insidious, and it hurts physically.

    One of my favorite old movies is called Now, Voyager. Bette Davis was absolutely broken by a cruel and controlling mother. Claude Rains plays her therapist and describes therapy as helping a person who has lost their way. When the person comes upon a fork in the road, the therapist helps them choose the path. When you're depressed even simple decisions can confuse you. Now voyager sail thou forth to seek and find.
     
  5. bounty_hunter

    bounty_hunter New Member

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    I want to thank everyone for taking their times with the replies. I really appreciate the words and advice and I'm truely greatful.

    dark I did had a therapist but she died from breast cancer a few years back, I tried getting another one but my original therapist I really had a trust for her. I wasn't just her client but rather almost a friend (i'd go over her house for dinner, etc etc). Yea it seems like my life has been a world of shit but the only thing that really keeps me going is caring for others. Helping out the people who are as lonely as I am..lonliness I can never get used to.

    The reason i think my real father hated me was because I took the love of his life away. Although he could have cherished me he decided to the do opposite and in a way i understand why he never wanted to see me.


    This year I'm planning on moving out, no more then 40 minutes away but close enough to take care of my brother if need be.

    I'll check out those books and again I really appreciate all your input. It is good to talk again even if it's over the internet. I do have alot of good friends but I believe they wouldnt know what to really say and I hate feeling vulnerable.
     

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