My ex contacted me for the first time in months

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by demosnat, Jan 20, 2008.

  1. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    He had questions about the lease in my (formerly our) house, which he could have easily asked my roommate, a mutual friend, and it of course degenerated to me crying and going on about how much he had screwed up my life (which is a lot, a whole, lot)
    Its so odd, how quickly I fell back into old patterns of fighting with him, and how hearing from him fucked me up so bad for the rest of the night. I was ok (ie not crying) a few minutes after the conversation ended, and I instantly regretted even responding to his message.
    I really want nothing to do with him, and I didn't even really have feelings for him for say, the last six months or so of our clusterfuck of a relationship, I just kind of hung around because I wasn't sure how to end things practically.

    I keep thinking that if I can figure out a manner in which to forgive him for so hideously fucking up my life (and putting my friend in a situation that is going to kill him soon, and really fucking up our roommates life too) i'll be able to get rid of this constant gnawing in my stomach, and my anger towards him. Thoughts?
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2008
  2. forgotmyname

    forgotmyname Active Member

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    Don't answer any of his calls.
     
  3. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    He didn't call should have included that, sorry. We haven't spoken in months, period, he messaged me online.
    The problem isn't talking ot him again, I won't. The problem is that after six months i'm still genuinely angry with him for the things he's done, and the fact that he got to walk away, and having wealthy parents who supported him while he got his shit together, had the opportunity to deal with stuff the rest of us are still trying to put back together.
    I want to move on with my life and not think about him/what he did anymore. I don't know how to move past it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2008
  4. forgotmyname

    forgotmyname Active Member

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    You still care about him. Apparently he had a feeling about it which was reassured after your crying on the phone.

    Please do yourself a favor and cut all contact with him before you do something stupid.
     
  5. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    It took me over a year to forgive my wife. And in my case it was because of my kids. Someone told me that "the best thing a man can do is love the mother of his children" and I learned to do just that.

    You're situation is different though, so I don't know what to tell you. Learning to forgive someone is the hardest thing a person can do. Forgiveness isn't something that you say, it's something that comes from within...on every fiber of your being.

    You gotta face what they did to you. You gotta face YOURSELF and what YOU did to them (it takes two to tango, and while more blame might be on HIM, you still had things that YOU did too and sometimes it helps if you can forgive yourself). The biggest and hardest thing is after THAT you've got to let go. Every path to forgivness is different, but if you truly want to forgive him, then you gotta face what he did to you and figure out a way to let it go. Just let it go.
     
  6. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Thanks :hs:. The thing is 'just letting go' is just a phrase until you do it. Oi, I hope I can get to that point soon. I've moved on emotionally, but, I look around me and see the wreck he's created (and that I probably facilitated by not stopping him, and by being blind and near retarded) and it just comes back.
     
  7. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Of course I do, I always will.
    It was on AIM.
    I won't be talking to him again, re-read, thats not even the issue :hs:
     
  8. forgotmyname

    forgotmyname Active Member

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    The thought is in your head.
    It's very hard to get rid of it, but it will eventually.
    Cutting every mean of contact with him helps a lot.

    I know it's hard because I went through that.
     
  9. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Oh, and I'll tell you some things that helped ME personally let go and forgive my wife. Maybe you can do something similar.

    First of all, I realized that our relationship failed not because of anything we did to each other. Our relationship failed because we weren't right for each other. Because of not being right for each other, it created tension and caused us to do bad things to each other.

    Secondly, I let go of the control. It was all about control and power to me. I couldn't let her get the last word. I couldn't let her do something to me without retaliating and escalating. At one point I had enough and decided that I was going to just let her win. THAT was the hardest fucking thing ever. I was holding onto a computer that I told her that she'd have to fight me to death for in court. And we were going to too. One night I went to the closet, packed it up, and took it down to her and gave it to her. Fuck it, it was just "stuff". But it signalled that I was raising the white flag. I was making a move to forgiveness. A week later her lawyer trashed me to the stone age in court. And I sat there. I just sat there and boiled over inside. But I realized that this is a game that I am tired of playing. I'm tired of letting her affect me. She wants a rise out of me. She wants to affect me. She WANTS me to be miserable, and as soon as I realized that and realized that so long as I react out of anger towards her, that she's getting what she wants, I realized that it's easier for me to bite the bullet, let her have her way and just rise above the trash she throws on me.

    Some may consider that rolling over. I call it moving on. I suggest a similar outlook. I don't know what he did to you that was so horrible, but so long as you harbor that anger and bitterness, he has power over you. Let it go, it's not worth it and it feels SOOOO much better when you finally give in and let go. It's amazing. It's refreshing when somebody no longer affects you.

    The final thing I did was minimize contact with her. I have to talk to her every week (at least twice) because of kids. So decided that the only two days I was going to talk to her was on days I get the kids (Wed. and Fri). If she calls on other days, I let it go to voicemail and listen to the message. If it's not important, I delete it and forget about her.
     
  10. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I really appreciate all of this. Our relationship failed for the same reason I think. We didn't want the same things out of life, and he was, just immature? He had no sense of how his actions affected others, and he ended up hurting me until I just let him go.

    That really applies here. When we first broke up, I would call him, and he would do the same, over the STUPIDist shit you can imagine, just to argue, so we still had some sort of contact. That negative contact was better than nothing at the time (this is in...may/juneish)

    I did all of that, I let him move out, take whatever of 'ours' he deemed 'his' and he left plenty, really, he let me keep our bed and sofa, and just cut him out of my life as best I could.
    What he did to me: I made a thread in RTR a long time ago, but (among just generally being a man child who was just really unable to understand that his actions could hurt others) started doing heroin (I had no idea). He ended up driving me into debt, b/c I had to support us both, i'm pretty sure he stole money from me, worried me to death b/c he was so 'sick' all of the time, etc, etc, etc. So, broke, assuming he was cheating (late calls, disappearing, no interest in sex, etc), and doing poorly in school from spending so much time taking care of him when he was 'sick', I found out what was really going on. Besides the monetary hit, I'm left angry, and entirely unable to trust :(
    What he did to those around me though is what really kills me, and keeps me up at nigiht. He introduced it to a few of our friends. They got into it like he did, but weren't able to go home and live in moms basement while they cleaned up. My roommate is a crippled drug addict, and my friend, another guy, will be dead soon. I'd put good money on it. They're both beyond my help, and i'm watching two people i really care for waste away. I can't do anything about it, I'm going to lose them both, b/c of what he brought into our lives.

    I did that too, its helped a lot, just that one time, it hurt. when she leaves messages, does it still sting?
     
  11. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Another guy, I appreciate it
     
  12. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    It doesn't sting anymore. She can still move me straight passed annoyed into pissed off though. Most of the time, though, I've disovered that I can recover quickly from it. I've found that when she leaves a message that is making me angry, the best thing is for me to delete it right away. As soon as it is making me mad, I push "7" and make it go away. lol Same if I'm on the phone with her and she starts in on something. I just hang up, and let her stew in her anger.

    But I have to consciously make myself get over it or it WILL sting. For instance, I'm just NOW finally getting over the last time in court with her and what he lawyer was trying to do. I allowed myself to get bitter for a few weeks again before I let it go again.

    I'm discovering that by forgiving someone and learning to "let go", that sometimes you have to relearn to "let go" several times. But it gets easier and easier to do.
     
  13. danewreed

    danewreed OT Supporter

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    Learn to not put so much stock in relationships, especially bad ones and leave before it gets ugly, you'll learn and be fine in the future.
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :hug:

    You need to not answer his attempts until he is cleaned up for good. Only then I think can he apologize to you.
     
  15. Jimeigh

    Jimeigh Every rook and jay in the corvidae have been raven

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    if it makes you feel better, you arent the only one who goes through this kinda thing.

    i was helping my girlfriend study for a test she had the next day, and her fucked up ex gave her an angry phone call out of the blue. she answered the phone because she had deleted his number and didnt know who was calling her. she spent the rest of the night crying, was still rather upset the next day, and ended up getting a B on the test.
     
  16. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I'm sorry you have to go through seeing that, I know its rough. One thing I do regret, about being with my current, who is honestly amazing to me, is that when we first started dating, my ex was in the process of moving out and shit,(he put off moving his stuff for months after we broke up, and only really got to it when he found out I was dating and realized we weren't getting back together) and my new relationship had to deal with the ass end of my old one. Its not fair to you (and it wasn't fair to him)
     
  17. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Thanks beer. thats the thing though, he has cleaned up, and he has apologized, but i'm still angry and hurt about the whole thing, and how its affecting people I around me.
     
  18. Jimeigh

    Jimeigh Every rook and jay in the corvidae have been raven

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    well, i hope that your shitty ex and her shitty ex both die in fire.

    :hug:
     
  19. UrbanKnight

    UrbanKnight Good, Bad, I'm the guy with the gun

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    Part of what you need to come to terms with is that your friend's addiction is not ALL his fault. Yes, he was the initial enabler, but beyond that, it is THEIR problem. Your ex is a big bag of dousche. You know that, you have moved past it as much as you can for the moment. The more you let him still have that power over you, by blaming, him, instead of your friends, it will stop you from ever coming back to yourself.

    You are one strong girl, you have dealt with more crap than most folks normally have. Learn from it, and let it make you better. Yuppy has it right, moving past him and what he is done is what you need to do. It will never be easy, it will never be right.

    Here's hoping the best for you, stay strong.

    UK
     
  20. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Thanks :)
    thats actually what i've been focusing on lately. I'm also trying to distance myself from those friends. They're beyond my help, and watching them die isn't going to help anyone.
     
  21. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    talking to the ex used to always make me feel like shit. i think it's because the only reason she ever wanted to talk to me was to torment me. i stopped letting her know when things would bother me. everytime we talked i acted like i was happy and happy for her. when she sounded down or upset, instead of offering to lend an ear i'd simply ignore it. nothing made me feel as good as pretending to be happy. it felt like i had closure because i could have stopped talking to her and move on with my life. she finally stopped calling me. i don't think she has the capability to realize what she was doing to me, because if she did she wouldn't do it, so i can only blame her so much as i can blame a retarded kid for being retarded. that's kind of how i look at her these days. and i feel stupid for expecting more out of a retarded person.
     
  22. danewreed

    danewreed OT Supporter

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    sounds like a case of bitch dependency
     
  23. Sirius

    Sirius OT Supporter

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    I hear ya. I had a dream about an ex yesterday, and It put me in a bad mood for most of the morning. I can't quite figure out how to just forget her, but I suppose thats impossible.

    I don't mean to say "suck it up," but those words come to mind. Not in a bad way. Just pick yourself off and keep going. Focus on YOU.
     
  24. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :werd: You can't really blame him at all for it. If it was so easy for them to get sucked into it then it would have happened at some point anyway.
     

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