SRS My dad got cancer and has ~6 months to live

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by familyguy101, Jul 18, 2009.

  1. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    He was diagnosed with a rare form of Non-Hodgkins lymphoma about 2 months ago. About 20% of these patients will have a remission, but most of those people are younger and the cancer is detected early. My father is close to 60 and the cancer was detected VERY LATE. The doctor is giving him approximately 6 more months to live.

    My relationship with him and my whole family has always been shit. Of coarse we had our moments, but for the most part I despised him for reasons that are still unclear to me. As nice of a guy that he is, he has had major frustration his whole life because of a psychological problem that he never got treated for.

    Well as of now he's just sitting on the couch watching T.V and says that he plans to do that until he's dead. He says he's had enough of this world and nothing remotely interests him. He says his life was shit from the start and that that is the way it will end. This is very hard to listen to but it is true....the poor guy.

    I don't know what to do. This is about him, not me. I'd like to make his last few times on earth meaningful but there is no getting through to him. He's already dead on the inside.
     
  2. Eviloliv3

    Eviloliv3 New Member

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    my bad, thought it was the Lounge mod edit: please have the decency to remove the harsh comment next time :squint:

    My condolances
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2009
  3. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    besides whatever undiagnosed mental problem he has, now he has to deal with depression on top of that.

    go visit, hang out with him, see if he'll go fishing or take a walk or go to a car show or something with you. if not, then just sit there with him for a bit and then leave. all you can do is try.
     
  4. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    I think all you can really do is make sure he isn't alone. At least that way if he decides to open up, he'll have someone to open up to. Beyond that it's all on him.
     
  5. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    I find myself not caring too much. I'll miss him and i'll always be somewhat grateful for the things he has done for me, but there were so many more bad times than there was good. He would be very nice one moment, and the next he would walk around the house screaming how fucking stupid I am and warning my sister not to end up a fucked up jackass like her brother. He's disowned me a few times. When he gets mad at me he will say the most hurtful things and he will never apologize later. The most psychologically damaging things he does is when there are people around and he pulls me off into a room and says very quietly, "you fucking idiot, shut the fuck up you damn motherfucker". Sometimes he will say things like that while staring right at my face and grinding his teeth/snarling like he is going to murder me. He makes sure nobody heard it and then in front of people he will pretend like everything is fine. He will frequently embarras himself and my family by getting extremely drunk at family gatherings to the point where he is falling on the ground screaming obscenities. He is impossible to get through. He is very good at hiding his behavior to any strangers. This sort of behavior that I observed as my father figure is the reason I am so fucked up today. Nobody on these forums or in life can ever judge me until they know what I have been through.

    That fucking asshole, I hate him. No wonder my mother hates him too. She only married him because she was a whore with 2 kids who needed some poor sap with money to support her and her bastard children.

    I hate him, I hate her. I really hate the fact that everyone else grew up in a loving and stable family and that I got dealt such a shit hand. These kind of people will never understand me or why I am the way I am. I hate everyone.
     
  6. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    ^ my condolences to you :hs:
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Negativity can be inherited so to speak, if a father abuses alcohol it can effect oncoming generations, the only way to break with this is to 'not be like him',

    The problem is that we react 'bad' on 'bad things' that happen to us, and become negative as a result of our negative enviroment, and worse to worst, if our parents 'who are our rolemodels' are messed up drug,alcohol addicts or who portray negative behaviour, then we become so easily messed up ourselves as well.

    The only way 'not to be like that' is to give ourselves 'positive rolemodels' which we try to adhere to and of course you have to be yourself, but a good guideline in what kind of person you should become. For me (although its just animation) alicia florence from aria the animations presents for me the ultimate rolemodel of positivity. I know people think its weaksauce but in comparison what has a negative lifestyle ever given as a reward to your life? Negativity leads to nowhere ,and other then misery, people try even to defend their miserable lifestyles, and just like your father put up a public facade without revealing themselves for the abusive monsters that they truelly are. But in retrospect everyone is on a pathway of learning, we are all incomplete imperfect human beings, and we must accept eachother for who we are and try to go into a positive direction with our lives.

    But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, [28] bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. [29] If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. [30] Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. [31] Do to others as you would have them do to you.

    [32] "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. [33] And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. [34] And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. [35] But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. [36] Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

    although i don't want to press the bible thru your throat, what i wanted to say was that thru these last hours of his life on earth, try to bring some love and light into his life, even if he reacts bad on it. We always have to go against the stream of negativity. Maby you can share the time along with a hobby with him(as long as its non-damaging), or give him something nice.
     
  8. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Have you approached your dad about doing anything with you?

    All I wanted to add was to make sure to do or say anything that would be hanging over your head later if you didn't do or say it. So, if you really wish you had invited him to do xyz thing with you, do that. Then you won't be kicking yourself when he passes on.
     
  9. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    When he initially go diagnosed I went to visit him at the hospital almost every day because we weren't sure how much longer he would be alive. We talked about many many things that we never got to talk about before. I believe we got everything off of our chests. He told me about his life and why he wishes he never started a family....mainly because he always felt that he could never manage his own life so how was he supposed to manage a family? His advice to me was to never start a family unless I have the money to support them. Money was always a problem with my family. My dad got laid off when I was about 8 years old and it has been a struggle every day since. I'm sure that that caused him and my mother so much stress that everything just fell apart.

    So yes, I believe we already talked everything through. As far as doing something with him goes, i'll have to think about it pretty long and hard. But thanks for the advice.
     
  10. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    I'm so sorry :hug: let us know how we can support you.
     
  11. illectronic

    illectronic I'm Coming Home OT Supporter

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    My aunt died a few years ago from ovarian cancer. Try to make the most of what time he has left, trust me. Make amends for any damage you caused and see if he will open up to you.
     
  12. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    A frined of mine also experienced the same and her father died because of cancer in her teenagehood. It was good that you guys have time to talk and face each other as she did not have and she now regret about it as she could not ever know how her father was feeling before death and could not share the feeling.
    How a person reacts on his/her death is various. I think you can accept how your father does. She(my friend) was also from poor family and her family was always in pain. But she admires what her father left to her now after being a lot mature. " I'd like to make his last few times on earth meaningful but there is no getting through to him." You are doing already something meaningful for him.
     
  13. pharmokan

    pharmokan OT Supporter

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    i have the same relationship with my father as you do

    i have my differences with him, sure their have been some good times here and there, but i just dont feel close to him, and just knowing that fact really makes it hard for me to accept because i cannot change it if i tried. there really shouldnt be a reason for me to not have a good relationship with him, but when he passes, i know it will unearth a deep depression full of regret
     
  14. illectronic

    illectronic I'm Coming Home OT Supporter

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    Talk to him, don't blame him for anything. Just admit where you were wrong and where you harmed him in the past. Make amends, say it won't happen again. There is no reason to wait till DENNY is on his deathbed.

    You are right about 1 thing though: you can't control other people's thoughts, actions, or feelings. But you can control what you do and make positive change that way.
     

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