SRS my boyfriend broke up with me... and other problems

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by mishka, Jul 24, 2007.

  1. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    we'd been dating for a year and a half and last tuesday he finally broke up with me. the previous wednesday i had just returned from 6 weeks studying abroad. things felt a little different when i returned, but i assumed it was just because i'd been gone so long and he wasn't used to me being back yet... i was wrong. he told me he needs his freedom and his space, his heart just isn't "in" our relationship right now, and he is ready to be single again. but he also said he's tired of me being so dependent on him, and thinks that i need some time alone to work on that for my own good. he said he's pretty much felt like this since february or so, but wanted to wait until i went away for a while to make sure. but, even when i was gone we talked online/on the phone quite a bit, and it was practically like i was still home. i'd never been away from him this long, or even away from home alone for so long, so i was having a hard time. but he still loves me very much, just isn't in love with me right now. so, he talked to his mother about things, and she agreed that if he was unhappy in the relationship that he should end it, but she was very sad he felt that way. so he decided to break up with me once i got back, so as to not ruin my trip. i'm very close to his mother, and the rest of his family, so the day after we broke up i went to talk to her too. she thinks he's at a point in his life that he just doesn't want the same type of relationship i want; he still wants to go out with his friends all the time and just live more of a young, bachelor type lifestyle. which is definitely true, and it doesn't help that all his friends are single too right now. and she said that she thinks he's just confused and making the traditional stupid boy move when confronted with someone that they could see settling down with and marrying someday. so, because he isn't ready for that right now, he got scared and ran. i guess now would be a good time to say that he's 25 and i'm 20, but we're both in college and he's only lived out of his parents' home for a little over a year and a half now (they needed his help).

    so, about me and why he would be ready for his freedom. once we met (fall of my freshman year) i finally had someone else to hang out with, so i slowly stopped hanging out with all my old girl friends that i've known since high school. i had always felt that they weren't the best friends to me, this only worsened as time went on, once we were all in college i felt like we just didn't have that much in common anymore. so, i got depressed. i had a boyfriend, but i had no friends. i go to a very large school, it was my freshman year, and i felt very alone. and ever since i've had a hard time in large social scenes, have even had panic attacks, and have become pretty introverted. it's been hard to make friends, but i've always had my boyfriend, so i never really felt the need to try too too hard. so now, almost 2 years later, and i've spent almost all my time with my boyfriend. he is my best friend, and i love spending time with him, and it was just easier to do what he wanted to do, or hang out with him and his friends, rather than calling around the few friends i had left. and whenever he wanted to go out without me (or i just couldn't go, because i'm not 21), it made me SO sad. all i could think about was that i don't have friends anymore, and it was so unfair that he had all these friends who wanted to go out with, and who he could have fun with, when i was left alone. or, i'd feel like no one wanted me to go, because they had more fun without me, whether it was true or not. so usually, he'd just stay with me, or we'd figure out something else to do that i could go to as well. obviously, this is unhealthy, and just not fair to him. i always felt like i was unfair, so i'd do everything i could to make up for it; i'd buy him surprises, help him with whatever, and try to take care of things for him. not only for that, but i just really like doing nice things for him anyway. but he stayed with me, and dealt with all my crap, for a year and a half, and is finally sick of it.

    so, now the question is, what will happen in the future? he said the only way we can get back together is if i become more independent and confident in myself, which i've needed to do for a while now anyway. i know i have no reason to not be, i know i'm smart and cute and have a good personality and whatnot, i just can't get over whatever it is that's stopping me from truly believing in myself. and i really do want to change, i've been trying to for a long time now, but now i really have to. and i want real friends, just as much as i want my relationship back. i just really feel like we're meant to be. it's not that i fear that i'd never meet someone else, just that i feel like i found someone who i am completely happy with, we get along like best friends, he's EXACTLY what i have always wanted physically and personality-wise, i feel like we connect well intimately, and he helps me get through things better than anyone. in the past, i've practically lived with him because i was never happy where i lived. pretty soon i'm going to have an apartment all to myself, so i will be able to be more normal about giving him his space in that sense. and in january i'll be 21, so that will help with a lot of other problems. i realize these things don't truly solve anything, because no matter what, he needs his space and i need time on my own to better myself, but they will help. and i know i should do these things for me, and i'm trying to focus on myself. and i know too that whatever's meant to be, will work itself out in the end. but in the meantime, i'd really like some advice.

    so, i know no one has THE answer for me, but i'd appreciate any help. i'm so sorry this is so long, but i just need to talk to people about this and from what i've read i think several people could give some good advice, about any of my many problems.

    thanks. :sadwavey:
     
  2. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    From a guys point of view after reading the above paragraph that is exactly why he broke up with you and I would've done the same. Most guys don't like a clingy dependent girl, if I started dating a girl and found out she hardly had any friends I'd be out immediately b/c I knew she was going to be clingly. Its nice to each have your own lives and do separate things sometimes, and guys like to just go out and hang with the guys sometimes. He must really love you to stick around that long thinking you would change but you never did :sad2: I don't really have the answer how to change thats up to you to figure out, just get out there and meet new people get involved in something at college or your community. You are young yet its not the end of the world you'll make new friends.
     
  3. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    yeah, i know...
     
  4. spectre

    spectre New Member

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    good luck, now that you realize it, if you really wanted to change, it can happen, the rest is up to u
     
  5. antee

    antee Medium rare please...

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    I've been in a similar situation, not the breakup scenario but the losing friends in the big jump to college. When I was a freshman in college at a rather large school I was depressed and anti-social, my boyfriend at that time was at another college. It was the university I was supposed to but my stepfather (who was basically my Dad) passed away. My boyfriend was still with our group of friends in a new city living it up. I was at mine, not that many friends, and bitter about not being there. I was in a rut. I missed him, I missed my friends all starting their new lives while I put my social life on hold. I guess I had been pretty social when I was in high school but it just kind of stopped. I had put the breaks on everything and just missed him all time and would just wait for weekends till when we could see each other and my old friends.

    I finally caught myself being this way over the summer. I realized I had wasted the year when everyone normally makes friends in college, so the next year I made an effort to at least put myself out there, and it worked. I went to club meetings and as many university events as I possibly could. Some were duds, some were even more alienating, but eventually I found my niche and people I could really spend time with but I had to be willing to be a little vulnerable and not take things to personally if I didn’t find a group of friends instantly. I finally built a great network of friends and we're still great friends till this day.

    When I made my friends it wasn’t to save my relationship. I really didn’t think about it till afterwards how difficult it was to be in his position with me being so noticeably different and alone. It was for me and my well being even if it extended the relationship a little longer than it would have been otherwise. We eventually broke up anyway, as we should have, but I was still left with a great base of people to hang out with and support me. Whatever you do, I wouldn’t go into it with the pretense of winning him back or proving anything to him. It should be for your own sake. You’ll just be clinging on to something that probably won’t happen and missing opportunities for another good relationship out there where you’ll, hopefully, have a life outside of it.
     
  6. shortyxsam

    shortyxsam GG.

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    Then do it if you want to get back with him. Don't try to talk to him. If he wants to talk let him do it. It'll help you move on AND show that you're not clingy. My boyfriend did the same thing and I was pretty much like you (with no friends and such, clingy as hell, smothering him etc.). I kept myself busy, left my phone in a different room, and he came around. Our relationship is less...stressful (for lack of a better word) now. Hope things work out for you the way it did for me :)

    If not, the worst that could happen is that you find someone new later...:hsd:
     
  7. daaarn

    daaarn New Member

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    this is true. but you have to become more independent not for his sakes, but for your own. once you start feeling validated only b/c of the people you're with, then you have a problem. you will inevitably rely on them for everything, and that's simply not good b/c the moment you're separated, things'll fall apart.

    i have a female friend who also got a boyfriend freshman year at the expense of other social development. she goes thru new roommates every year and i never hear her speak about hanging out with anyone but her boyfriend. she basically spends any and all free time with him instead of making [or developing] other friendships and is dependent on him for lots of other things. her bf's also a year or two in front of her and will be graduating soon and i know this will lead to them breaking up. that being said, i feel sorry for her b/c she will most likely end up graduating with few connections, even fewer friends, and possibly worse social skills than she had going in. i know college is supposed to be about getting an education [and by all accounts she's doing well academically], but it's also about growing up, maturing, and becoming an overall stronger and more independent person than you were before, and i think in those regards, she didnt learn a thing.

    i was in a similar situation, but this happened when i transferred schools. i had to change schools b/c of financial concerns and that lack of choice really left me with a sense of helplessness. it wasn't really my choice to transfer but i had to anyway. i mean, i had established myself at my old school and i was happy with my life and my group of friends. that being said, i had a hard time adjusting to my new school. despite intentions, i found myself out-of-the-loop with my old friends pretty fast and i felt alone and resentful. i also felt depressed and generally apathetic. this just accumulated over the first year at my new school until i finally brokedown. it took a long hard look inside to sort things out. my problem stemmed from the fact that i really had no choice in the transfer and that just led to me being angry and depressed all the time. i also realized i was clinging way too much to my friends and that was shackling me to the past, which made me all the more depressed. it wasn't until i identified the problems that i was able to confront them and accept what happened and finally just move on. now, given that i transferred after my sophomore year, and then promptly wasted my junior year moping around, and then another semester sorting things out and going thru a lot of trial in error in terms of finding new friends and dealing with a particularly hard class load, i didn't have much time or opportunity to make new close friends b4 i graduated. however, i did achieve a renewed sense of self-worth and confidence and independence that i know will serve me well later on.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2007
  8. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    yeah, i hope so. i'm trying, but it's really hard.
     

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