my bf talks to his ex every day

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by SohHyeon, Sep 1, 2006.

  1. SohHyeon

    SohHyeon New Member

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    is this normal? they talk every day since they broke up which was a year ago. i don't see how you can just "be friends" with someone who you dated and slept with for an extended period of time, but he says "its different" because he claims that she has no one to talk to. i don't want to get to the point where i become a total bitch and make him choose, but it's getting unbearable.
     
  2. xinster

    xinster New Member

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    how should we know
     
  3. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    if you "make him choose," u set urself up to be the loser. people only make ultimatums when they are in a situation where they have no power. what should happen instead is that you should express to him the severity of your discomfort, and he should respond to it because he doesn't want you to feel what you're feeling (would that not be ideal?), not because he's doing what you told him to.

    i am almost best friends with my ex, but i left her, she didn't leave me, and i never give a shit about her romantically. my current gf was insecure about this for a while but over time it just became blatantly obvious that there was nothing for her to worry about.
     
  4. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    :werd:
     
  5. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    this is unacceptable and you dont have to put up with it


    tell him that. if he continues to talk to her, dump.

    it is NEVER a good thing when your bf/gf talks to their ex... especially if its everyday...
     
  6. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    you mean, bc the bf/gf might leave u for or cheat with the ex.

    if u have to strap the bf/gf down to stop him/her from doing such a thing, you should leave anyway.
     
  7. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    they shouldnt be doing it in the first place, ex's are ex's for a reason
     
  8. Soybomb

    Soybomb New Member

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    I was pretty much friends with all the girls I've dated before we dated, and I'm still friends with most of them after. Just because things didn't work out romantically doesn't mean I hate them or they are no longer my friends. If it were me and you started tellng me to quit being friends with people because you were insecure I'd dump you. My advice would be get over it if you trust him, and if not leave.
     
  9. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    what i'm wondering is not why he talks to an ex, but why he talks to an ex every day.
    :dunno:

    just tossing it out there...
     
  10. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    I wouldn't worry unless he starts acting in a way that makes you suspicious that he's doing something wrong. For now, either deal with it or talk to him in a calm and serious manner, tell him how you feel without getting loud or emotional.
     
  11. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Some people are comfortable with their SO associating with people they've had sexual relations with. Other people are not. I am not. Call it insecurity or whatever you want. I don't give two shits what supposedly "more secure" people think about it.

    When I got with my gf, I made it clearly early on I didn't want her to still associate with people she's had sex with, and there were apparently many still in her life. I don't mind her having male friends. I mind her having males friends who she has been sexual with. The only exception is her ex husband and that's only because of their kids. I hate him being in the picture, but it's unavoidable at times. I never told her who she was or was not "allowed" talk to.

    But what I did do was express my concerns that certain people were going to be a problem for our relationship if things kept on like that, and she could decide what she wanted to do about it. She has enough of a past that it's hard to deal with sometimes. It would be impossible to handle if those people remained in her life, and in our future. This isn't like the show "Friends" where everybody has fucked everybody else and everyone is cool with it. This is real life and not everybody is cool with having to deal with that kind of situation.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    dogma ftl
     
  13. Neo22

    Neo22 OT Supporter

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    i would just dump him. If she is that important to him then you're obviously not his number 1 priority. Fuck that noise.
     
  14. Miss Red

    Miss Red New Member

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    It's a tough situation. I always try to stay friends with my ex's. There are two of my ex's that are my best guy friends period. If you make him choose you're going to lose. You should support the friendship, but they should not be talking everyday. Talk to him about it.
     
  15. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Not necessarily. It depends where his priorities are. If he loves her and she is truly more important to him than "other" women, he should choose her. By disregarding her feelings in favor of other women, it sends the opposite message. As I said, it's a matter of priorities. What matters more ..the past or the future? Someone you aren't with anymore or someone you may end up spending your future life with? If the past really is the past ..then that's where it should stay. If your relationship is ongoing, in any form, it is not really in the past.
     
  16. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    :bowdown:
     
  17. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    :fawk:

    To be fair, maybe it amounts to the same thing, without fully coming out and saying it in an official ultimatum. In my case, it was more a matter of her seeing how much it bothered me when they would call her and such. She would ask me what's wrong, I'd say nothing, then we end up having a "talk" about it. What resulted was us agreeing that she wouldn't like me still hanging with chicks I've done stuff with, ..and it goes both ways (of course I had sense enough to not be doing that in the first place, so it's not something she had to deal with). She loves me though, and saw fit to show me that I was more important to her than the previous dicks she's had. We're still going strong and actually engaged now.
     
  18. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    Okay, Id be okay with it if they talked or met up occaisionally, say no more than one every 2 weeks. Any mroe than that and id confront him.
    Just say your uncomforatable and explain your feelings...maybe he just never knew how uncomfortable the situation made you feel b/c you never brought it up to him.
     
  19. SohHyeon

    SohHyeon New Member

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    no, he knows i don't like it but he says he won't stop it.
     
  20. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Doesn't sound like he cares too much about you. Either you haven't been together very long, or he's just a shitty bf. Either way, dump-land may need to be in his future.
     
  21. SohHyeon

    SohHyeon New Member

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    well, i spoke to him and told him that i was just uncomfortable with their relationship and that i know he won't cut ties, but he could at least try to reassure me. he then responded by telling me that he just won't tell me when they hang out.
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    if he talks that way regularly, he doesn't give a shit about you. i know, because that's the way i spoke to my ex-girlfriend, and i spoke that way because i didn't give a shit about her.

    let me preface this by saying I am a very different person now. I'm telling you this because I'm being forward and candid about myself.

    my ex-girlfriend stayed with me for a year before i broke up with her. i was cold and indifferent and verbally cruel. i was critical and unaffectionate and never budged an inch for her. she had no experience with guys before me ... none at all. even so, her instincts were still accurate. she in fact tried to break up with me twice a week, and then twice a month, and then every two months. but I talked her down. I told her she was wrong, that she was just being insecure. I treated her (totally valid) concerns as if they didn't deserve the slightest recognition, the same way this guy is treating your concerns about his ex.

    I also attacked her approach. She would behave passive-aggressively towards me because I wasn't showing her the affection of someone who actually gives a shit, and I would call her on the passive-aggressiveness, thereby avoiding the fact that she was completely right.

    She did not, in summary, have the self-esteem or the experience to know that she deserved better. By "better," I don't mean someone who had better personal qualities than me; I mean someone who cared about her. She just didn't know. Even though her instincts were dead on (she kept trying to break up because her emotions were giving her the right clues), she stayed because consciously, again, she just didn't know any better.
     
  23. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    nice post jj. dump your boyfriend OP
     
  24. -argonaut-

    -argonaut- New Member

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    No, it is not normal.

    You
    should be the one that he talks to everyday and she should have been long gone by now.

    Either he is playing you, or she is playing him to play you to keep him for herself. Ever and whichever way, it's not "normal".

    Additionally, I applaud you for having put up with it as long as you have. now go over there and kick that bitches' ass and claim your man as your own and not a piece of time-share meat..., or wash your hands of his bullshit and dump him.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2006
  25. SohHyeon

    SohHyeon New Member

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    christ, you're a mind reader
     

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