FRK My bf is into bondage, but i'm not.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Barbie™, Nov 12, 2007.

  1. Barbie™

    Barbie™ New Member

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    So, my boyfriend is really into bondage and restraints and it honestly not my thing. He knows and respects this but I've let him experiment a little bit [a few weeks ago, I let him use a little rope on me and he made a harness type thing around my shoulder and breasts]. It didn't do anything for me except make my nipples a little more sensitive. I mean, I know from previous experiences I like being cuffed, and being lightly restrained, but the whole whips, ropes and bits really doesn't really appeal to me at all.

    I'm not too experienced, sexually, but I know my stuff and I know what I do and don't like, from what I HAVE done.:naughty: [Which, again, isn't much.]

    Anyway, I guess my question is, what do you guys suggest I do? I mean, he assures me that he never wants to make me uncomfortable but ahhh, I don't know. I want to please him and I want him to have an amazing time, but he assures me that everything we're doing is fine... but I want to do more, to an extent, for him.

    Help?
     
  2. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    communication. Safe word. Live life to the fullest and speak when your not enjoying it.
     
  3. Barbie™

    Barbie™ New Member

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    Communication, got it.
    We have a lot of that... the thing is, I don't really enjoy it at all... at least to the extent that he does. I'm the type of person who will bite my tounge in the heat of the moment and just go with it, and discuss it later. I'm getting better at giving directions now, and telling him what I want, but before I was just afraid to do it, mainly because I thought I sounded stupid or demanding...

    But thank you, I think I just need to discuss it with him. He knows basically all that i've said in the first post and this, but I just haven't said "Hey, let's try this and i'll tell you when i'm at my limit, okay?"...
     
  4. illmaceyougood

    illmaceyougood New Member

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    You need to break up with him based on the info in your Asylum thread. He obviously can't be trusted.
     
  5. DarkAngel19

    DarkAngel19 New Member

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    So he's into bondage on you? I thought my SO was into that too, but it turned out he was into bondage on HIM... so you might want to try that for a change. I am not into bondage either, it irritates me and I don't want to pretend to like it, so I tie him up in different ways, got him some cock rings and ropes, etc... It totally worked, he hasn't tried anything on him in about a year! Yay:)

    Other than that... you are stuck. Either let him do it, or try to find something else that you both are into. Can't really change what you aren't into!

    DA
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Based on the asylum thread from awhile back, and this thread...why are you still with him??

    You two are SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE! The relationship will not work because of this.

    Realize this, end the relationship, and find someone better for you.
     
  7. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    i didn't read your asylum thread and i can't search because my sub ran out :wtc:

    thus, my response is based only on what you said here (i don't think it's fair to look at someone else's opinion of your relationship and base my response on that. no disrespect to those people, i just don't know the reasons for your opinions.)

    based on what you said:
    you say he wants to go further than you do in the "kinky" realm and it makes you uncomfortable, BUT you want to make him happy.

    i'm wondering how much you're talking to him about what you want- it doesn't look like you're doing that much. i don't think it's ever healthy to just bite your tongue and just go with it. i don't think you need to get into a major discussion at that moment, but find a way to gently (or not so gently, if that's your thing ) change the direction of the situation. use words or actions, whatever will help get your point across. then yes, talk about it later, but i don't think it's a good idea to let it happen and then discuss it. then you send the mixed signal that it's okay. you let it happen, but now you're saying you don't like it? that's confusing to your partner.

    what if you play with light restraints and then slowly move into more and more bondage, going as far as you like and maybe a slight step further to see if you like more . . . how fast are you guys going at this point? maybe baby steps to try more and more?
    if you don't like it, he needs to respect that. and if he can't . . . i mean, sex is for both of you and you both need to enjoy it, however that happens. if he can't compromise . . . or you can't say what you need . . . that's not good for you.
     
  8. AlliMae13

    AlliMae13 New Member

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    Talk to him about it, if its not something you are into, you need to tell him. Dont bite your tongue and just go with it because then you arent happy. He does need to respect you if you are not into the same things he is. You shouldnt have to be uncomfortable just to make him happy!
     
  9. Barbie™

    Barbie™ New Member

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    I know no one is going to trust/believe me, but i'm slowly helping him change. I met his parents, which was a huge step for him... and although I might sound completely naive saying this, I honestly think he's capable of change.. but i'm not letting myself get more attached than I already am.
     
  10. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    I think more than enough people have said"COMMUNICATE".

    you need to EXPRESS what you are comfy with and it seems like you took a step into trying what he wants but the SECOND you feel like you don't like it, are scared and feel it's beyond what you will enjoy, You tell him to STOP.

    I have read your gripes about him before and I don't think you will get to his level of kink and I DOUBT he will be happy with that lack of his level of kink and I don't think YOU will be happy wondering if he's unhappy with your sex life OR wondering if he's going outside of the relationship for play. talk this out, Extensively OUTSIDE OF THE SEXUAL SETTING like adults. Come to an agreement as to what kind of playyou will engage in, if you are comfy with him playing at bondage with other partners, or whether this disparity in you styles will end your realtionship. But again, I HIGHLY doubt you will get him to change.
     
  11. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    I do agree that you shouldn't still be with this guy.
    As for this, my bf is very open-minded and basically into trying anything (sexually) at least once. I'm not that into it bondage either, just light restraints and such. But, we take things slow, always spicing things up and trying something new. But, from the beginning I have always told him what I wanted and he's always told me what I've wanted. From this we've learned how to please each other and now-a-days he just seems to know how to rock my world. So, just relax and have a chat with him about what you like, or show him :naughty:
     
  12. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    i don't like to toss out unsolicited advice . . . but i worry about you saying "i'm slowly helping him change," and "i honestly think he's capable of change."
    i just wonder about what sort of relationship requires people to change in order for it to function. and i wonder about you saying "i'm not letting myself get more attached than i already am." but i could be speaking from my own previous shitty relationships . . . just be careful.

    and listen to what pe said. it's good advice.
     
  13. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Listen to PE and Pigeon........you should never be in a relationship to 'change' him. If you have to change someone for the relationship to work out, than you should not be together....well atleast have to change them a LOT.
     
  14. razi

    razi New Member

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    your "I can change him" attitude is really throwing up a red flag for me.

    as for this topic... go slow, take baby steps. let him know what you need- for example, use the bondage as part of the foreplay instead of just the sex.
     
  15. Barbie™

    Barbie™ New Member

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    Thank you, you're right. I think that he's much less into it than I think. His latest exgirlfriend got him into it, so I think I need to talk to him about everything. As for the whole change thing, i'm not like trying to get him to change. He just happened to have a realization that he needed to change after witnessing a co-worker of his spend time with her old college friends [she's in her 40's]. He realized that it's something that he doesn't, and never has had and he wants that.


    I know you guys are all right in saying that he's broken the trust but I don't think it's unrepairable.
     
  16. Barbie™

    Barbie™ New Member

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    It's not that he needs to change for me, he needs to change for himself. I don't mind helping him, as a friend, but there are so many other things that keep me there, as a girlfriend.

    I don't want to explain them here, but I really do thank you guys for your input.
    I take everything into consideration while debating this in my head.
     
  17. Barbie™

    Barbie™ New Member

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    I am not trying to change him... i'm simply there to help him change for himself.

    This thread was really a question for the future.... Until that trust is rebuilt, I can't even think about this. It was just on my mind.
     
  18. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    What is there to change? The lying directly to your face, trying to pick up women behind your back or the bondage stuff? The first two are in his best interests to change, but the third may not be. There isn't anything wrong with it and if he is into it and finds it a turn-on, then it really isn't anything that you or he should be trying to change. You can't necessarily force sexual compatibility, sometimes it is either there or it isn't.

    I'm with what seems to be the majority here, the trust is broken and thus the relationship seems over :dunno:

    I do hope it all works out for you though :)
     
  19. XeoBllaze

    XeoBllaze ﬞ_ﬞ ★★★ (o'-')-0

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    Some people are immature with certain aspects that need to be changed in order for a serious relationship to exist. Small yet big things such as language barriers or differen't cultures are great examples. You need to learn a great deal and change your everyday habits for an international relationship to pan out well. Just remember, both parties need to adapt (change) :wiggle:
     
  20. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    true . . . there is a certain level of compromise that needs to exist in order for a relationship to function. but there are some things that people feel "need to change" or "can change" in order for a relationship to happen, like personality things, that are different. it's one thing to say, "you're slightly messy and i'm more neat, let's compromise on our expectations of how and when we clean up." but there are bigger issues that aren't so easy to change. things like lying, cheating, etc. can sometimes be issues that one partner will assume s/he can "change" in the other. i think those things are much deeper and are not things you can just "change" in someone. likewise, if you have completely different approaches to your sex life . . . i think something like bondage takes a huge level of trust - if you don't have that or you aren't interested in bondage, period, i think it can be an issue where the idea of one partner changing isn't realistic or fair.

    Epitofme, i hope you make the best decision for yourself. i've got a history of abusive relationships, and i do see some red flags here, but ultimately it's your choice what you do in this relationship and none of us can decide that for you. i hope you take care of yourself.
     
  21. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    You sound like me during the last few weeks wiht my ex, I hope things work out for you, I really do
     
  22. Barbie™

    Barbie™ New Member

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    The first two, not the bondage ting.
    I don't expect him to change that.
     
  23. Barbie™

    Barbie™ New Member

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    Thank you for everything. All your advice and everything is really helpful along with everyone else in thie thread. I do believe that it's my choice in the end, and i'm the one who has to live with it. For now, it's my choice to stick with this. If I dig myself deeper and cause more pain within myself in the end, that's my own fault. I have my share of shitty relationships, and I confronted him with the issue [not the bondage, the trust thing] head-on with the realization that I'd probably be single after that night. Anyway, before I start defending my own relationship with this guy, i'll just say...

    Thanks, all of you, and your advice won't be taken for granted.
     
  24. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    sweetheart, you don't need to defend your relationship. i only said what i said because i worry. that's why i said i have a history of abusive relationships - i probably should have made this more clear - i think i tend to be triggered more easily than others. it wasn't meant to judge you at all, it was meant to explain where i'm coming from.

    and you're right, it's your choice and you have to live with it. and i have faith you'll make the decision that's right for you. again, i said what i said based on my personal experiences, but in the end, you take what you want from what we said and do what's best for you.
     

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