Moving beyond the past?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by DTR rex, Dec 2, 2007.

  1. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Is is possible, or perhaps likely for someone to be able to move forward and leave the past behind them if it's still hurting them?

    A quick background:

    Dated a girl for several girls, planned to get married, loved each other, etc... Problem was that we argued a lot, I was often a jerk (not anymore) and she has some insecurity problems she needed to work out that I really didn't help resolve... though I should have.
    We broke up, several months passed, we started hooking up again and acting like we were dating. Sleeping together, using the love word, talking about our future again.

    Problem is that she still holds a lot against me from the past.... She is still hurt and though I am MUCH better now, she totally freaks about the little things and start saying "i'm gonna turn into what I used to be".
    Mind you, I never cheated/hit her or anything, but I didn't make a lot of time for her, and I didn't maker her feel as loved as I should have... I was a jerk.

    I have done a TOTAL 180, really grown up and rediscovered myself and most of the time we are very happy and she always says how much better we get along now. But now, the smallest thing (like me getting upset about her hanging with guys that have crushes on her) turns into a huge ordeal and automatically becomes me being a dick again and "not really changing", etc... etc...

    Now, I love her to death but she has had issues since a kid about insecurities and people being mean to her and now it seems all that pent up aggression and craziness is being focused on me even when I am doing my best to keep us happy. Sometimes she just wont call me and will tell me she hates me and to leave her alone.... Just to find a week later she wants me in her life again... It's getting ridiculous.
    I want to be there for her and be the one to help her get through this, but I am starting to realize it doesn't have as much to do with me, as it just does with her being not all there mentally and needing to push through this problem on her own.

    So what this comes down to is; is it likely she will ever let go of the past, or am I doomed to be constantly reminded of my less-than-adequate boyfriend days of before... which will constantly put strain on our relationship and never really allow me to stay afloat with it all.
    Is it better just to walk away without a fight because things will never be the same.....at least not until she learns how to let go of the past and not be so vindictive?

    Thanks a lot, sorry for the long post. :o
     
  2. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    what an ungrateful broad, if she is going to throw that in your face when you are making a change. It sounds like that personality is why you went with your friends instead of her

    I'd make it clear to her that you are not her punching bag or her therapist. If she leaves you for weeks at a time that sounds kind of manic and somewhat suspicious. She could be cheating during that time.

    Also, why don't you go beyond just being there, try actualy doing something she should appreciate, and if she does not appreciate then well you might not be able to get past it.

    but TC the question I have. HOW LONG have you done this 180? If < a month you should prolly just delete the thread and save face. it would take at least 3 months to show a genuine change.
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Ask yourself this: Do you deserve to be with someone who is secure with themselves and won't drag you down? If the answer is yes (and it should be), then it should be clear what to do.

    Basically, you deserve better. If she can't overcome her insecurities, that is HER concern, not yours.
     
  4. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    I'll address each point:

    1) I can't put the blame on her for before. She treated me well, and I was a jerk half the time. I could be really good to her too, but we were both kinda immature at the time and I treated her badly resulting in her acting kinda crazy.

    2) Nah, she's not cheating... We dated for years but now we act like were dating somewhat often, but it's not offical. She's only with me but there is no doubt that she has issues that stem well beyond me, but somehow I have to bare the brunt of it all because I screwed up in the past.
    I am very patient, but if I lose it for even a SECOND, I catch hell from her about how I am ruining her and "never really changed".

    3) Man, i've done a lot to let her know I appreciate her. After we broke up (the breakup was really rough on us both, especially me) and she started contact with me again I listened to her problems, made her feel good, complimented her constantly.... She lives an hour away and I once we started psuedo dating again I never hesitated to drive out there or pick her up... I took real good care of her.
    Hell, all her friends told me that she is so lucky to have me and can't believe how well I treat her and they wished they had someone like that!!

    4) The change occured ~ 6-7 months ago. It took something like breaking up with my long-time g/f to really jolt me into re-evaluating my life. I try to be more outgoing, take others into consideration, have strengthened my relationship with my family, with my friends, and I am much more religious/spiritual now.
    I have grown a lot, and matured a lot... and overall, I guess you could say I am just a better person when it comes down to it.

    She knows the change, she recognizes it, a lot of people do.... But truth be told half the time she says how wonderful I am and how she wishes we could have gotten along like this all along, etc... and then the other half of the time I catch 100% of the bullshit that goes wrong in her life (with family and friends) and somehow I am always the bad guy and the one fucking everything up :squint:

    Right now, she pulled one of those "you're making my life worse" things and stopped talking to me for a bit, and I am really considering just not calling her and walking away from it all.....
    I have fought for her a long time but it seems like until she can let go of the past and control her anger/blame problem she can never have a healthy relationship.... ESPECIALLY with me.

    BTW, thanks for the serious and thoughtout response :bigthumb:
     
  5. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    I hear you man.

    I guess I just feel responsible for a lot of her pain and heartache because of the past, and since I love her more than anything I feel like I should stick through this all at any cost to make sure she is happy and works through these issues.

    However, I am starting to realize that I can't help her... I've tried, and i'm not perfect so maybe she just needs to do it on her own... She needs help, but whenever I try to be there for her I am walking on broken glass waiting for my slightest slip-up so I can catch hell for it and get hurt again.

    I really should walk and just say screw it. When she tell's me that I make things worse for her (when she's in that mood) I should just say "fine, best of luck, I hope you can forgive me one day and move beyond the past and your emotional issues".

    It's just hard when that person is vulnerable and one minute they want you, the next they don't and because you care about them so much you feel an obligation to help them through it...... But i've been dealing with it for years now and always blamed myself because of how I treated her, but now that I treat her well, I am seeing that it's about A LOT more than me at this point.
     
  6. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Rex - I've been reading about this problem of yours for a while now.

    Each thread of yours that I read, it becomes more apparent that this girl is probably not going to let this go, no matter how much she might really want to.

    It's obvious that you've been going through changes and you're a more mature and respectable person now. You've used the break-up and the 'alone time' after to your advantage to better yourself and learn from it. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like she has.

    I understand that she got hurt, but if the relationship is going to work then she needs to let go and move forward. You've done a lot of changing and self-improvement. Now it's her turn.

    You need to tell her that you're done trying to convince her. If she doesn't believe that you've change for the better now, then honestly I don't think she will. At this point, it just seems like the both of you are wasting time and emotions.

    She's wanted things to change but she's not giving you a proper chance to prove to her that they have.

    Also, whenever you two have an ordeal and she reverts back to saying "you haven't changed...", that's straight up bull-shit on her part. That's her playing games, and that's not fair at all. You need to understand that she is probably going to use her being hurt (such as throwing it in your face) as an advantage in future games to come.

    To be completely honest, from what you've posted about her, she just doesn't sound mature at all, much less does she sound ready for a serious relationship. I mean, the rollercoaster of emotions telling you one day that she hates you, and then to yo-yo back and say she loves you and whatnot. What is that? That's what immature GIRLS do, not mature, respectable WOMEN. And you shouldn't have to put up with something like that. No guy should.

    I know you have a lot of time invested with this girl but Rex, you need to do what's best for yourself. You already know what you should do. We've been telling you all along. You just need do it for yourself.
     
  7. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Thanks J.... Good post man.

    You're right. I did a lot of growing up in the past 7 months and if anything she has become more immature and just isn't ready to do what is necessary to make it work even though she says she wants it to work.
    And of course, you're definitely right about the games.... She's been playing them throughout our entire relationship and it's ridiculous. I'm 22 year old and I need to be me, and if I am going to spend time on a relationship I want to know I am getting an equal effort.
    She used to give the effort, but it's just about head-games and displacing blame and not letting go of the past.

    I don't think i'm going to call her, or even make an effort to reconcile this latest tiff and just let it sit as it is.

    Maybe when she grows up and takes responsibility for her own problems and is ready for a mature connection/relationship she will be worth my time.
    I still kinda feel responsibly for her emotional state, but that's probably because she has been telling me for a long time now that it's all my fault. Well, at least I can say I tried to help and I gave it a true effort (especially lately)... It's time for her to deal with her problems instead of running from them.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Dwelling in the past won't change anything. You can't change what has been done, you can only move forward. The relationship should not be all about fixing her/making her happy. It should be about both of you making each other happy.

    You need to get out of this relationship.

    Stop thinking about it, and just do it.
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Mother fucking .

    I came in here to write this, but you did it for me :)
     
  10. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Awe, I was hoping for an incredibly long and analytical post by you, lol.
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :rofl: To be honest I got a headache from all the writing in the thread, so I'm glad jmezz said most of it for me.
     

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