More typical break up jargon....could use some input

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by 1.8t, Jan 16, 2009.

  1. 1.8t

    1.8t Member

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    This is long so bear with me.

    Ok, so the girlfriend and I broke up last weekend after 2yrs and 8 months. Honestly, this relationship had almost everything going for it(or so I thought?). We got along absolutely great....our personalities were definitely our best trait. We loved one another for everything that we were and that we weren't. We were always great at fixing any issues that came up and generally didn't have very many arguments considering the length of the relationship. When we did, we would always proceed in a mature manner and eventually come to a conlcusion that we both agreed on. I was not a bitch of a guy that would roll over when she would get mad or act inappropriately(both VERY rare) and I always stood up for what I thought was right. Most of our relationship(70% of it) has been long distance to the tune of ~2hrs distance. When we were both at college, we were absolutely amazing and I think had 1 argument over 1yr(the past year I graduated and have been working). I am 25 and she is 22 and we would routinely hang out every weekend.

    The issues that began to arise would be closeness. Being that we were long distance, many times either one, or both of us, would feel distant from one another even when we got together. We both still loved each other very much and all it took was a great weekend to get the feeling back or just some quality time, which we both loved and did to keep things in check. However, every 3~5 months or so, it would kinda come to a head and we would need to have a talk. Realize that we are a couple that feeds off of one another and when one party would doubt something, the other would doubt what that party said, and then the original party would doubt that creating a spiraling affect. This had happened 2~3 times prior to the spiral that ended us this past weekend, which was a discussion of not feeling close as well. In looking back, it seems like we were both afraid of it ending and scared and we just couldn't recover(didn't help that the discussion was taking place at 1am in the morning).

    A little background on her. She has progressively become overcome with stress and anxiety. She is a senior and will be graduating this semester from college. She was planning on moving back to Atl to do her internship and getting a job and that still stands(I live in Atl), but she is crazy stressed about it(she is also pursuing leads in LA and NY since she is a Radio/Television/Film major). She would randomly have different mood swings....nothing enormous, but enough to where you could visually tell a difference in her actions. She is a very emotional girl and doesn't have high self asteem at all and absolutely hates her body(she is actually a very beautiful girl that would shock the hell out of everyone if they knew that). She has a problem making decisions when the choices aren't perfectly clear. She cannot figure out how she feels and routinely say she is "so messed up in the head." She has taken this opportunity to seek some professional help at her college(someone to talk to) because she wants to fix her issues with everything, not just us.

    A little background on me. I fairly emotional for a guy, but always felt good that I had the ability to see a situation from a neutral standpoint and know what the right decision was, regardless of how I felt(making that decision is tough though). Her and I come from 2 different social circles, but clicked PERFECTLY via personality. We both have pretty different interests, but we both also like our own time, so we would do movies and dinners together some weekends and some weekends, would only hang out for a night or day and do our own thing. I continued to maintain a life with my friends as I would not let myself become submersed by my relationship, but I always catered most of my time to her than my friends. She, however, kinda lost herself in me(which she has told me since our split). She still had her friends, but she didn't hang out with them very much as they went to different colleges. She has said she sort of lost her idenity.

    So, coming full circle she has said numerous times that she made a mistake, but she is not ready to get back together. I completely respect that, because as we all know, everyone feels they made a mistake at first and getting back together because of emotion is not the right thing to do. She says she just wants to call this "a break". I ask her if she still loves me and she says a part of her does, but another part of her fell out of love with me after every "distance" argument we had because they were so straining on the relationship and so hard on both of us emotionally. <- This is my biggest red flag. She also told me she could never let those arguments go, even ones from years ago. They would always float around in the back of her head. She says that she wants to talk with someone and try to get her shit in line before attempting something again, but says she eventually does want to get back together with me(she said this on her own with no proding from me). She says she feels SO horrible for hurting me. I personally wonder if she would be trying to get back with me because she feels so bad for doing so and I routinely tell her that is NOT the right thing to do. She needs to be clear with how she feels about me. I also told her I cannot be her emotional crutch anymore(she liked to vent to me and said she lost her boyfriend and her bestfriend) and that we don't need to talk. This upsets her a lot, but I WILL NOT be used. Also, all of her friends have been asking her why she broke it off when they knew we were so good together and that our "arguments" were normal for a distance relationship. I think this has also been playing into her second guessing herself.


    So, through all of this, I think she just fell out of love with me. I can't really reason why we ended and I sure can't accurately portray our relationship with words because I can't type to save my life. All I know is we were always honest and truthful and if I could have ever subjectively judged a relationship for a proper foundation with good values, this would have been it. The break shocked the hell out of her and me. There was SOOOO much we did well that the bad was completely overshadowed, but I guess she could never let go of the bad. As you can see, all of this is the usual pattern of flip flopping back and forth after a relationship ends that 99% of the time ends with more hurting and wasted time. I know the right decision, but that 1% of hope sure as hell can be hard to squash given the circumstances.

    Another thing is she was an absolute MESS after the break up. She had no appetite and cried for ~3 days straight according to her mom. I too have been having trouble eating, but its been coming around here lately. I didn't know if that was because of so much changing in our lives because of this or if it was because we loved each other.

    Any thought and opinions are welcome right now if you made it this far.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2009
  2. 1.8t

    1.8t Member

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    Wow, I just gotta say holy shit that is long. I will try and trim it up some.
     
  3. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Well, although the post was long, you did a very well job at letting us understand/see the whole situation. Continuing...

    It seems as if the two of you understand each other, and at the same time respect each other more than anything. Obviously, over the years the two of you grew closer to each other due to the fact that you were away. Now that the opportunity of getting closer and being with each other approaches, it seems there may be a sense of worry.

    I don't think this is should so much be a concern of why she broke up with me, but more so the underlying stress a relationship can do to someone leading to them 'breaking up with themselves'. She admits over the relationship that she 'forgot' who she was and didn't involve herself around her friends any more. Seemingly she was wrapped up all over you. It appears that now, recently, she is recognzing that she was SO dependent on you that she is realizing its affecting her life and emotions.

    Her mother, like you said, told you she was a wreck after the break up, which further more proves to me the situation. It wasn't so much she WANTED to break up with you. But more so she felt like she HAD to, maybe in order to re-find herself?

    Thats
     
  4. 1.8t

    1.8t Member

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    ^ I definitely agree with that and thank you for your insight.
     
  5. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    its interesting to me that you guys fought about the distances between you at all. ive been in multiple LDR's and i cant recall ever having a fight like that, nor can i recall either one of us feeling or acting distant once we were in the same place. it sounds more like a case of you two growing apart because of life changes. the years that you guys have been together span the ages where a lot of personal changes happen in a person.

    im not surprised that she is upset, even if she was the one who did the breaking up. even if she no longer wanted to be with you, you still were a large part of her life for almost 3 years, and if she cared about you at all, shes going to be sad.

    you never know, this might work out, but dont assume it will and just sit around and wait. there must be other issues there that were not a part of your post (and honestly, maybe you dont even know about them yourself) that lead to this break up. i would try to be realistic and figure out what those might be, think about if its somethng that can be fixed, or something that needs to be set free.
     
  6. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    actually, could you explain a little more the fights about the distance? is it that she is mad that you show up late, mad that you dont want to spend the whole weekend with her, etc?
     
  7. 1.8t

    1.8t Member

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    I am not, this is for my own piece of mind.

    She had other issues like wanting me to be super close to her family(I got along fine with them, but her sisters b/f is like a son to them and she always wanted me to be like that), not being able to let go of arguments, and not telling me how she felt. She admits she never told me any of those things and she doesn't know why, so I never really knew what upset her. I just think she is going through those changes that morf you into who you become and a relationship isn't something she can take right now. Since I am 25, I have already become that person, but I can't expect her to be like me at a ripe old age of 22.
     
  8. 1.8t

    1.8t Member

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    It hurt her more than she ever told me. She had issues trying to understand how she felt and never made an attempt at trying to tell me. I didn't know any of this until after the break. BTW, I would call them discussions to arguments...not fights. Voices never got raised and no one was ever mad. If anything, we always felt very vulnerable, sad, and scared during those discussions.
     
  9. ripcurl

    ripcurl Member

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    So the fights were about being far from each other? If so, and she is insecure, then I can definitely see that because she wants you there.

    It sounds like she has some inner issues she needs to work out.

    My input to you is to try and go on about your life. She isn't going to move on after a ~3 year relationship too soon(and if she did, then you know it's not the right thing anyways) and time may heal this one.

    It sounds like you have a level head and there isnt really any games being played which is what usually kills this kind of stuff.

    Hang tight man and I hope it all works out for ya.
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It sounds unfortunately like a typical case of a couple who has done an LDR for so long and so much of their relationship that when they finally get to be together they don't know how to just function like a regular couple, not to mention the entire time your girlfriend can harbor constant internal struggle and resentment over being in an LDR. Couple this with the fact that you are dating a young girl going through the most confusing stressful time in her life and it's a lot to handle.
     
  11. 1.8t

    1.8t Member

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    Thank you all for your points. I honestly get a sense of satisfaction hearing other peoples input and having it coincide with mine. It also helps that many of the points you guys have touched on are true of what is currently going on.

    As previously stated, I am not waiting around and I told her that. It just helps my confidence to know that I played my hand pretty well.
     
  12. ripcurl

    ripcurl Member

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    For the cards you were dealt, I think from what I have read, you played about as well as you could.
     
  13. Spinkick

    Spinkick Active Member

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    Yep. I remember when I was in a relationship that was long distance all the time. You spend most of your time missing the person, and then when you finally are together, its really hard to have a normal relationship. LDR's are crap.
     
  14. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    not trying to be a dick... but

    jar⋅gon
    1   /ˈdʒɑrgən, -gɒn/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [jahr-guhn, -gon] Show IPA Pronunciation
    –noun
    1. the language, esp. the vocabulary, peculiar to a particular trade, profession, or group: medical jargon.
    2. unintelligible or meaningless talk or writing; gibberish.
    3. any talk or writing that one does not understand.
    4. pidgin.
    5. language that is characterized by uncommon or pretentious vocabulary and convoluted syntax and is often vague in meaning.
    –verb (used without object)
    6. to speak in or write jargon; jargonize.
     
  15. SPACECATAZ

    SPACECATAZ New Member

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    What does the term "break" mean?

    To me, she wants to end it and go fuck other people. My girlfriend said we needed a break a few days ago, that she didn't trust me, that she didn't like being around me, and that she never wanted to live with me. That it's never "US" and it's just you or me. I thought it was a bunch of bullshit. I'm thinking about ending it. Not sure. Still in college though and I'm 22 as well. So there's more fish in the see to capture.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Off the main topic, but yeah, youi need to dump her. She wants you to dump her, she's just too much of a pussy to do actually be the one to end it, lots of girls do that.
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yep. I've heard it from other LDR couples. You get so used to the LDR dynamic that once you are together evn though you might be excited you're just fucking confused what to do. A lot of girls it seems tend to get this weird bitter feeling so they don't even enjoy the weekend they have with their SO because they are focusing and dreading already having to leave again.
     
  18. Spinkick

    Spinkick Active Member

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    The problem too, is that there is this psychological phenomenon where you kind of build up the person that you never be to be that perfect partner. You just kind of fill the missing parts of the relationship in your head with what your ideal is; when they are not that type of person at all. There is a name for it, i remember reading.
     

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