SRS More relationship issues

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Kreigore, Nov 16, 2006.

  1. Kreigore

    Kreigore New Member

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    I know a lot of you have probably had similar situations or have even read posts about relationships, but each story is a bit different then the last. Hopefully, a few will understand my situation and may be able to comment or even someone may be able to relate.

    Here's my story:

    I had been dating this girl for alittle over 3 years (our anniversary was just about 2 weeks ago). We broke up about one week ago. It wasn't my idea, but she had told me she had felt things were going in a poor direction for awhile. I was willing to try to work things out, but she didn't. We had broken up earlier in the summer for a week right before my best friend's wedding (where I happened to be the best man). She finally called me and we made amends and all seemed well.

    Up to that point, we were having small problems and issues. We would fight about stupid things, one of us would become irritated or annoyed with the other, etc. Our communication began to shut down and I would find myself trying to occupy my time doing other things -- going out with friends, playing online games with friends, reading books, watching movies, etc. I started to take our relationship for granted in some ways and I believe she did too.

    We still had fun -- we'd go out, see movies with mutual friends, goto dinner, etc. Right before we broke up, I noticed a small change in her behavior. She began to become more obsessive compulsive. She had ALWAYS been like this, but it only became much more apparent when we had been dating for sometime. I think she had "hid" it from me in the earlier stages of our relationship. She'd ask me to taste her drink to see if it tasted funny or to try a piece of her chicken to see if it was done right, etc. Things like that would drive me crazy and I would become annoyed.

    I realized that things were "wrong" in my heart and I would try to talk to her about whatever issues I had with her. I felt as though I was admitting my wrong-doings to her, while she would not recognize her own shortcomings. Many of the problems began to occur around the time we began having sex. When we first started dating, we couldn't keep our hands off one another.

    However, when we stepped it up a notch -- she was more likely to refuse or tell me she was "too tired" or something else. It got to the point that I felt guilty and I even felt like I was begging for something to happen. Often times, she would just roll over and tell me to "do something to her" as she was just laying there. That took everything away from me and I would not do anything to her. It wasn't fun or exciting. So I decided to talk to her about it. I told her I felt as though she wasn't into it and asked if there was anything more I could do for her. I told her I felt like I was begging her for sex and even felt guilty asking for something.

    There were times that sex was amazing, though. So I can't say that it was horrible, because it wasn't.

    To make a long story short, she became very defensive when I spoke to her about my feelings. She told me that she felt that was all the relationship was anymore -- physical. Even though, we had still been going out and doing things together. We had stopped doing the little things and I would try to get her to go out more -- either to dinner or see a movie. Most of the time, she was content with the two of us hanging out in her apartment in her room. We would make plans to go out, but we'd end up sleeping in (or something similar) and it bothered me. I guess I wanted to go out more, see more and do more with her than we were doing. We'd go out, but not as often as I would have liked.

    As our problems were evolving, she began to talk to her mom about the issues in our relationship more and more. I didn't exactly like this, but I understood that she needed someone to talk to. I just didn't really like the fact that it was her mom. I don't understand why she wouldn't talk to other friends about the relationship -- someone our age.

    About a year ago, her best friend popped back into her life without talking to her for two years. She had found a boyfriend, gone to school, dropped out eventually and started working two jobs. She had begun talking to her again about our relationship, etc. My girlfriend had said she didn't really like her best friend's boyfriend (and a few others had said that too). My girlfriend had never told her friend this, but instead her best friend was ripping me a new one (which I found out through talking to my girlfriend). The thing that bothers me the most was that I had met this girl maybe 3-4 times in my entire life.

    As things didn't improve over time, she began to take what her mom and friend had said to heart -- mainly her friend's opinion that we should "cut ties" and "move on." And all of this from a girl who just happened to stumble back into her life just one year ago -- and I had already been with my girlfriend for two years at that point.

    My friends had been telling me the same -- she was immature and naive, which she is/was.

    Fast forward to when we broke up, we didn't end things over the phone very well. I had told her that I couldn't fight for something that she didn't want to try to fix [our relationship]. After a rough day at work, I decided I would call her and try to see her and talk things through with her.

    I called and we ended up sitting in my car, talking to each other as though we should have been talking to each other throughout our entire relationship. She became emotional and ended up hugging me and kissing me on the neck/cheek. I held her and soon after that we kissed -- and we kissed twice. It seemed that we still had a lot of unfinished business, but I guess time will tell.

    She will be graduating this year and is likely under a lot of stress and the relationship (and the way it was going) probably didn't help. I had told her if she wanted to hang out with her friends a lot more, that would be fine with me. That was one of the issues she had when we first "broke up" for a week during the summer. She said she became more of an individual, which hurt me in a few ways -- because I felt as though I let her out of her shell and showed her a good time. Her parents had even told me that personally.

    Anyway, I dropped off her stuff on Tuesday night (11/14) and made it short and sweet. The way she was acting made me think that she wanted to talk more, but I knew it wasn't probably the best idea.

    She called me that night and didn't leave a message. I had my phone out in my car the entire night. I call her back later on in the afternoon the next day to see what she wanted. She had read in an away message that I had an interview coming up and wanted to wish me luck, etc. So we spoke for a few minutes and it was odd. I want(ed) to talk to her and tell her how much I care for her, but it seems like I shouldn't. She was the one to call off the relationship. I told her over the phone that it was probably the ways things "have to be."

    My thought is that perhaps in a month, I would call and see how things are going and see if she'd like to go out on a date and try to "rekindle" our relationship -- or is that wishful thinking? It seems that be both can't let go, but neither one of us want to be the one to "break."

    P.S. Sorry for the long ass post. :hsd:

    Cliffs: gf and I broke up, saw her after a rough day, things went well and we spoke as though we should have been speaking to each other throughout our relationship, ended up kissing and holding each other, she still calls me and vice versa, a lot of unfinished business -- unsure what to do
     
  2. dazed

    dazed New Member

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    Don't plan to rekindle your relationship, yet.

    She obviously has issues of her own outside of you that she needs to deal with first. You need to talk all this out outside of the dating setting.

    Trying writing it all down and sending her a letter. It helps to visualize things. It obviously seems like you two aren't over eachother, and that's okay. But that's always the case with a breakup, maybe you don't really want to get with her, but really just don't want to be alone. Have you thought of this? You've had her for the last three years and living without her is a huge change. It's hard to get used to and somethign we trick ourselves into believing we "can't" live without the other person, but when in reality, we don't want to be alone.

    I went through nearly the same thing. We talked for weeks after the breakup and are still friends, but we're not dating anymore. We talk occasionally and I see her maybe a few times a month (same group of friends), so if something happens down the road, so be it. But for now, I'm taking time to find who I am outside of the long relationship.

    I suggest you do the same. Three years is a long time, we lose some of our identity. Find out who you are, not including her and there you may find your answer. You don't need her to be you, you need you to be you.

    How old are you? How many past serious relationships have you had?

    But if you're set on trying to restart the relationship, you shouldn't try to start dating again unless you have completely fixed why you broke up. You can't know where you're going unless you know where you came from.

    Hope this helps!
     
  3. Kreigore

    Kreigore New Member

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    Actually, you do make a lot of sense.

    For the record, I'm 23 (soon to be 24) and she's 21, still in college. I'm not sure it's that I'm afraid of being alone, but probably because she was the first girl I was serious with. I had dated other girls before her, but it didn't really amount to much. I was simply looking at what was out there -- and then I found her.

    Part of the problem may be in the fact that I already "knew" who I was in some sense and I think she may still be trying to find out what she wants in life.

    The weekend after we broke up, I went out and had fun. It was nice, but I still felt somewhat empty. We could have hung out together WITH my friends or her friends.

    I just can't see talking to her like nothing happened, it's pretty difficult. A part of me wants to tell her how much she means to me, but the other part is telling me that she has her reasons for calling it off for now. Like you said, it'll take time, whether we get back together or not.

    Right now, it's easy to jump back in and try to fix things, but again -- you're right. That was the problem the first time, we had issues that were never fully resolved and it slowly went downhill again.

    I guess my question is -- what do I do now? Not contact her for a month or so? I'm not sure where really to go from here. I think giving her time and giving me time is the best for right now. Then what?

    Thanks for the reply too. :bigthumb:
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2006
  4. Kreigore

    Kreigore New Member

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    As an update, I spoke to her last night just to sort out our feelings. We both concluded we needed time apart and if we decided to see other people, then that would be fine.

    It hurt a bit to talk about her (even myself) finding someone else, but I suppose that's the way things may be in the end.

    She became pretty upset at the notion of not being together and even I got upset. For me, I felt we could have worked things out between us, but it seemed like she felt "quitting" was the easiest way.

    She also mentioned that it would probably take her several months to find out what it is that she wants. I told her it would probably be a good idea for us to keep our contact to a minimum in that time period.

    I still feel pretty broken and upset. I have dreams about her all the time. I know we could have worked things out, but she felt it was easier to run away. :dunno::wtc:
     
  5. Kreigore

    Kreigore New Member

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    Another update:

    She called me at 4am on Saturday morning and wanted to know why I had "an angry away message" up on AIM. I don't remember what it said exactly, but it wasn't anything bad. It read something like, "Whatever, gotta keep rolling." or something similar.

    She asked if Josh (a friend of mine) talked to me. And I asked, "Why? What would Josh tell me?" I did this to question what she had to say, because at this stage she didn't know whether I spoke to him or not. I knew she was heading out to a party or something or another, I didn't know the details. So she proceeds to tell me, "Well, I didn't dance on any tables or anything." So I said something like, "Well, that's good."

    After some talking, I decided to lay it all on the line and talk to her about my "plan" or idea I had. I felt as though I couldn't move on unless I atleast tried to make peace.

    I asked her if she would like to start hanging out casually, one night a week, to see if we could work on things and determine if we still "had it." Probably the most crushing blow (but not a surprise), was when she said that she "needed this." (Meaning she needed a break.) So I decided to ask what she would say to this idea in two weeks or so. And she said, "No. Probably not."

    That pretty much sums it up, I guess. I'm a bit hurt that she wouldn't want to atleast try to make things work. After all, we were together for over 3 years.

    As a side note, I spoke to Josh and he said that he was 90% sure she was at the party he was at (he was wasted) and that there was nothing to worry about (the party seemed pretty relaxed). It was a party with 15 chicks and like 3-4 guys. He also said that the girls seemed pretty drunk, but that was all. He also said as he was leaving, about 5 douches came to the party and that was the reason he and his one friend left.

    So, uh.. any questions, ideas or suggestions? haha :hsd:
     

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