SRS More Ex GF problems...Long rant w/ cliffs

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by killer4605, Jul 8, 2006.

  1. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    cliffs at bottom.

    my ex and i slept together (made thread about prego scare earlier) and anyways, she told her bf and broke up with him. the kid flipped out (rightfully so) and started yelling at her. the next day he told her he wanted her back :eek4:

    anyways, she left the country for vacation with her family and we usually talk online every day or every other day. she is ALWAYS telling me how much she misses me and loves me.... she always tells me she misses the sound of my voice and all this other shit. i honestly still love this girl, but she is still keeping relations with the kid she cheated on. he's made it clear that he wants to get back together and not just be friends.

    what REALLY pisses me off, is i recently found out the truth behind our breakup (about 2 or 3 months ago). 1 weekend i went down to visit her and told her she was being too clingy and that i was thinking about breaking up (she called me every night for 3 hours at a time and would NOT fuck off even when i told her i had 3 tests to study for. if i called her when she was watching fuckin TV with the girls, i'd leave her alone. she would literally cry on the phone if i said i couldn't talk). Anyways, i didn't tell her that because i WANTED to break up, i told her because it was a problem i was experiencing with our relationship and i wanted to work through it with her.

    apparently this really hurt her. she confided in this dickhead she knew wanted to go out with her and he started twisting everything around to make me look like a bad guy and to give a negative image of our relationship. he did this for about a week and a half (without my knowledge.. she never told me anything was wrong) and then she broke up with me because she wanted to "date other people and not be tied down". the next day she was with that other kid. yeah, the same kid she cheated on (all summer long, mind you) with me. (she had been dating him for about 2-3 weeks when we started seeing each other over the summer)

    it pisses me off that our 15 month relationship went to shit because:

    1- she wouldn't talk to me about what was bothering her
    2- that fuckin snake used her naiveness to turn her against me

    i know some of you are already going to post and say she banged him behind my back. trust me, i looked through all her msgs (he fuckin sent 5 per day) and nothing says anything about cheating. it's just alot of her telling him about my relationship with her and alot of him twisting shit around to make her look like a princess and me like a dick.

    i also looked at the more recent messages now that they broke up and she does not appear to be flirting with him at all even though he keeps hitting on her... but as i said earlier, she constantly tells me she loves me and misses me (and there's plenty of flirting... sexual innuendos.. etc)

    as much as i love her, i am SERIOUSLY considering the option of just cutting her out of my life. at this point my relationship with her is bringing more hurt and misery into my life than happyness. she flirts with me and says she loves me and all this shit, but she doesn't want a relationship.

    does that make any fucking sense? i mean if she is serious about just wanting to be friends with me, she wouldn't constantly tell me she loves me and misses me... or talk about other sexual shit.

    i want things to work out between me and her (friends, fuck buddies, or otherwise) but i already know in my heart that as long as she is around that other guy, i can never trust her and it is just going to keep me hurting for nothing.

    why do you guys think that kid would want her back after she told him she cheated? they had only been dating for a few weeks at that point and she hadn't slept with him yet...

    do you think i should just try to chill out and stop caring and just see how things work out when we go back to college? or should i take a more vengeful route? i know i can get along fine without her. i DONT need her in my life. i just want to try to work things out so i can have her in my life because i love her.

    CLIFFS:
    My ex cheated on her bf with me and tells him. they break up and the next day he wants her back. she doesn't take him back and goes on vacation out of the country with her family. we talk online alot and she constantly tells me she loves me and misses me. she always flirts with me as well but she said she didn't want a relationship with me.

    she is still keeping relations with the kid she cheated on even though he made it clear he wants to get back together and not just be friends. i check her msgs and find out that HE is the main reason we broke up a few months ago (after dating 15 months). she and i had some problems, she confided in him, and he twisted it all around and used it against me to get her to break up. he keeps flirting on her facebook shit knowing full well that i'd see it. her recent msgs don't show any signs of flirting with him however (private msgs too).

    i still love her but can't trust her if she is going to be around that guy. she trusts him too much and he's a fuckin snake (from my point of view). why does he want her back after she cheated? should i chill out and stop letting shit bother me and wait to see how things work out or should i be more vengeful..?
     
  2. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    fuck that shit is long... sorry it's just hard to be concise when you have so much shit to get off your chest and you kind of need to know some background info to know where i'm coming from.
     
  3. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    It's fine that it's long. It's better to give too much info than not enough.

    What do YOU want?
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

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    So here it is:

    1) You have feelings for this girl. A lot. A LOT.

    2) She's got baggage, she's got some lying and cheating on her resume.

    3) That guy...is irrelevant. In this scenario, YOU are the other guy.
    So don't cast him as a snakey snake because he tells her she's a princess and you're a total dickhead. What did you expect him to say? She cheated on him...with YOU.

    No one's hands are clean here, so let's just forget about him cause it's irrelevant anyways, this is about YOU and HER.

    So. The real question is....Can you trust her? What does your gut tell you?

    And since the answer is kinda leaning toward NO (or else you would not have come here) then the follow up is....are your feelings strong enough to let you put up with her dubious behaviour (while she sorts her feelings out)?

    Because there's more to come (for sure!) before this is all wrapped up. That much is certain. Doncha just love relationship ping-pong?
     
  5. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    lol i always love seeing how you put things. i know no one's hands are clean here and i'm not proud of what happened between us this summer, but when i'm calling that kid a snake it's because of us cheating and him talking shit, it's because of what he did when she and i had been dating for 15 months... slowly pushing her toward breaking up with me.

    i know i'm not innocent either here, but before we did ANYTHING together this summer, i told her to break up with him because i could tell that we still had feelings and it would be wrong for her to end up cheating on him. i know that doesn't make up for the fact that i actually slept with her behind his back, but i mean i tried to hold back and she kind of pushed for it herself, whereas when we were dating and he was talking her into breaking up with me, she would be defensive about shit he said about me but i guess in the end he managed to convince her.
     
  6. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    what do i want? i want her. i want to give us another chance. i want him out of the picture. completely.

    the question is, is there any way i can get what i want given the situation?
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Can it work out? Of course it can.

    What helps:
    1. her not talking to him anymore
    2. her not wanting to talk to him anymore

    What DOESN'T help:
    1. you demanding she not talk to him

    Let's look at it this way. Let's pretend that you are a neutral third party that knows both of you. Be honest here.

    How does she really feel about you? Does she really love you wholeheartedly?
    Enough to care about YOUR happiness? Enough to drop that other guy?

    You can't really MAKE her do anything, you can only control your actions.

    Can it work out... it's possible. Is it doomed to failure? Nope.
    Will it work out in the end? None of us could possibly know that.

    The only person who might have a clue...is you and her. Since I'm talking to you atm, search your feelings. How will she contribute to your relationship.
    Therein lies your answer.



    Oh and PS. that other guy...ignore him.

    And don't hate on him for trying to fill her head with "lies" and trying to win her back with a brainwashing campaign. First of all, most guys try that shit, it's common. (and expected)

    Second of all, if he was more of a man, he wouldn't need to do that crap. Even less reason to worry about him.

    Your best strategy is to rise above it. That schoolage crap is so beneath you. You get where I'm going with this? Be a man. That other guy is a kid.
     
  8. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    so it wouldn't help my situation if i stopped talking to her because she hangs out with him or starts dating him again? i mean fuck, i love her, but i can't deal with that should it happen.

    how am i supposed to get her to not want to talk to him when he's constantly flirting and making her feel good about herself?

    i know you said i can't make her but i mean how else is it to happen? i won't demand it but what am i supposed to do? nothing?

    i know she loves me... and i REALLY love her... and the only thing i've ever "demanded" from her was this past summer where after she cheated on her bf, i told her that she needed to pick whether she wanted him or me... and she needed to tell him the truth about what happened.
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    DigDog has an excellent post somewhere that deals with this very clearly and very concisely. Do a search and pull it up. Read it. Then read it again.

    And then...try to live it. That's the hard part.


    I'll just try and condense a few points for you, cause it's late, and I have to run out in about 10 mins.

    - You want a relationship with her.
    - that will be impossible if she continues her little thing with him.
    - she need to quit talking to him
    - you cannot force her to quit that, doom on you if you try to 'force' her
    - she needs to choose between him and you, simple as that

    this is only going to work if she actually WANTS you INSTEAD of him
    you can't force her, you can't trick her, she has to actually prefer you

    - realize that guy is more of a boy than man
    - girls want men usually, not boys
    - be that man.
    - when you're ready, explain it to her that you like her, you'd like to be with her, but she will need to choose.
    - you can help her want you by being strong and unafraid and confident, i.e. a man. this has nothing to do with being macho or with age. its about attitude. begging or whining etc is usually a death sentence

    anyways, good luck to ya.

    accept that you may not get her in the end. it's a cruel irony but those who are the least desperate, usually get what they want. Because not being desperate reeks of power.
     
  10. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    well before i even try to get back together with her, let me ask you a question.

    does it sound (from what i've said) like she would want to be in a relationship with me? i know she said she didn't, but actions speak louder than words and even though she said she didn't want a relationship, she was touchy feely all summer (behind the bf's back), slept with me, and now constantly tells me she loves me and misses me.

    i'm getting so many mixed signals here i dont know what to believe.

    it's almost like she wants everything from a relationship with me except the committment.
     
  11. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Isn't that what a relationship is? Or rather, the fundamental part of a true, honest relationship?

    Now maybe there's more to her, I can only go by what you (choose) to describe here.




    it sounds like she likes to play around, keep her options a little open, and oh by the way, here's killer4605, he's a nice boy.

    I might like to have him around because he's nice, he's familiar, he usually does what I say, and I like to have a reliable emotional crutch while I play with other men.

    That may or may not be your situation, but it is a very very common one, and seems to fit the facts as you've given them.



    If she won't commit to you, what is that telling you?

    Like I said previously, how much of her flip flopping are you willing to put up with.

    She might ultimately decide on you. But there's a lot of shit that's gonna go down before she comes to that decision. You up for it?


    Maybe just keep it to an fwb -- no committment. Except you're gonna fall for her all over again.
    And it's YOU that's gonna get your heart broke. I can smell it in your words.
    Once again: Decide now what you're up for.
     
  12. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    No it doesn't. She said she doesn't and she's still talking to the other guy. Being touchy feely and sleeping with you means nothing, it just means she wants attention and it's a lot easier to get it from someone you are close to than to go find someone new. It's time to start distancing yourself from her. Now is not a good time for you to either be together or be friends. She has no idea what she wants and it's just gonna keep driving you crazy. If you guys are really meant to be together then you will cross paths again later and can try to have a real relationship then. If she really wants to be with you then she will get rid of her "friend" at some point, there would be no reason for her to keep seeing him if she wants to be with you.
     
  13. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    It sounds funny but if you want to attract her attention, get on with your life and have fun doing it. Move on, continue to focus on your career/school/whatever it is you do, hang out with your friends and entertain the advances of other women if you are interested. Show her that you like her if the opportunity arises, but make it clear that you're not going to wait for her and you're not going to share.

    This is win-win for you: the onus is on her to make a choice and be with you if she wants to, and it doesn't matter if she can't/won't choose and remains where she is because you're moving on anyway and you have a fun life of your own to live.
     
  14. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    johan is right. There is nothing for me to add except my seal of approval for whatever that's worth.
     

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