SRS more boyfriend troubles

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by chainsawbarbie, Apr 29, 2006.

  1. chainsawbarbie

    chainsawbarbie New Member

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    My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years. I've always loved him very much, and up until last night, I thought that he loved me too.

    We always said that we'd tell each other everything, and that we'd never lie to each other. I kept that end of the promise... he didn't.

    Basically, here's the issue. He lied to me about trying a drug. Let me say right now that I'm not upset about the drug, but I'm upset that he lied to me for nearly a year. I found out last night not through him, but through his friend who assumed that I knew.

    I don't understand how he could lie to me so easily after he promised that he never would. He lied to me repeatedly, hoping that I'd never find out.

    I asked him why, and he said that he lied so that I wouldn't freak out at him. Well this leaves me hanging. What else has he lied to me about? What else does he hide from me because he thinks that he will upset me? Does he cheat on me? Do I know him at all.

    I'm actually quite scared that I believed him for so long. I gave him my absolute trust, and I was naiive not to think that he was lying to me. I thought that he loved and respected me too much, but I guess that he doesn't.

    I also just spent a large amount of money on him and his friends for his birthday. It's really hard for me to make that money because I am a full time college student at a very competitive/difficult school. How could he keep taking from me, knowing that he was lying to me? He got me nothing for my birthday.


    Point is, how could he claim to love me, knowing that he was both lying and hiding things to me? I feel miserable beyond words, and I don't know how to approach him. I can't call him because he lost his cell phone and won't get a new one, and he will not come on AIM.

    I hate myself for believing his lies that he loves me and that I could trust him.
    I'm not even mad at him. I just hate myself.
     
  2. AmCo

    AmCo Haters goin' Hate

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    A lot of people lie in the beginning of the relationship because they are scared of how the other would feel about certain things. This doesn't mean it is right. But as we lie in the beginning, we tend to keep the lie going because it is easier on that person just to keep it that way.

    how old are you?
     
  3. chainsawbarbie

    chainsawbarbie New Member

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    it wasn't in the beginning, it was 4 years into the relationship
     
  4. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    He got you nothing for your birthday? No matter the other circumstances, he is outright taking you for granted if he did nothing for your birthday.

    Even a pos would have bought something. A real man would have made you dinner, cleaned your apartment, and made love your style.
     
  5. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Boyfriend buys you nothing for your birthday even though you spent alot on him for his.

    Doesn't care about you enough to call you, get a cell phone, or log onto computer.

    Lies.

    Sweety, the problem is you, not him.
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Damn. When you read something so truthful that you have nothing to say but 'damn', you say it.

    Damn.
     
  7. chainsawbarbie

    chainsawbarbie New Member

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    Granted, I spent my birthday waiting at the airport to pick up my aunt......


    Today, he admitted that he did get me something, it just shippied to his home, not his college address. the gifts honestly aren't a big deal to me...


    the point is, i'm just freaked out by the lie.. and the repeated lying


    it's not that he doesn't care about me and won't get a cell phone. point is, i wasn't able to get in contact with him asap because he lost the phone and hadn't had time to get a new one.. and won't have time till Monday. He came on AIM later in the afternoon-- he was asleep because he hadn't slept for 24 hours the previous day... working on finals and papers.
     
  8. chainsawbarbie

    chainsawbarbie New Member

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    Also, he didn't want me to do anything for his birthday... that was all me because I wanted to make him very happy. We've never really celebrated his birthday before this year with his friends because he always came home from college to spend his birthday with me. Now, we're all going to colleges near one another, and it was the first opportunity for him to celebrate with me and all of his friends... that was really special, and I wanted to make him happy. He's thrown me a couple parties in the past, and I really didn't want one this year. I felt really bitter earlier which was why I threw the "he got me nothing" detail in.




    In any case, he definitely made a 2 hour commute to see me today. I feel like I should have broken up with him, but it really doesn't feel right. I yelled at him, told him that I felt worthless and betrayed.

    He admitted that nothing could justify his lying, that it was wrong, and that he doesn't expect me to forgive him.


    I don't know if I forgive him either. I want to give him a chance.... and he made it very clear to me that he hasn't lied to me about anything else. He said that it was stupid. I'm so hurt though, because he always prided himself on having an open and trusting relationship with me. I'm just sad that he ruined that trust.


    To be with him, I must rebuild my trust with him. I'm not how permanent or temporary my lack of trust for him is. Perhaps I'm just really shocked, hurt and angry today. I just don't know where all of this came from.

    Am I wrong for feeling so low and hurt? Part of me feels naiive that I couldn't see through him.
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I think you would be well served by taking a break. You can go back to him if you wish...later on...but a break might be very helpful in allowing you time to think.

    If you and he are really good together, you and he will see that and you BOTH will want to get back together.

    If the relationship is weak and fragile and his relative lack of interest means that a temporary break will become permanent....well, that's my point about being well served by taking a break in the first place, see?
     
  10. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I see it like this. Lying about one thing doesn't mean lying on 'all levels'. You can be a thief but not necesserly a murderer, this doesn't justify the stealing but also doesn't justify to stigmatize a person to adolf hitler. So if he hid his drug usage it doesn't automatically mean he is cheating behind your back.

    Like in the bible ' he who is without sin , throw the first stone ', it could be well that he was addicted to drugs, many people suffer from addictions on various things, and we are all here on earth to learn things.

    Your trust is broken ,and wether you accept him back in your life is totally up to you. If you take him back it will take time to restore things. He needs to change his ways , and if he is honestly making an effort into going into rehab and getting rid of his drug problem, then you might want to give him another chance.

    Think it like this , you expecting a flawless relationship 'isn't' a good thing either. Just because it concerns your case doesn't garentee a perfect relationship. And him using drugs doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he wouldn't have stayed with you for 4 years if he didn't give a shit about you.

    Actually we have a nice thread about imperfection in the asylum wisdome http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=2502612 that i want you to read.
     
  11. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    I also agree that maybe taking a small break is needed just so you can collect your thoughts and let him think about what happened.

    If he is into the relationship then nothing should be a lie or a farce.

    I agree with what DE said here...


     
  12. chainsawbarbie

    chainsawbarbie New Member

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    He doesn't need rehab. He just tried it once, maybe I didn't make that clear. He just kept lying about it. He said that he just couldn't escape the lie.

    Do couples ever work things out after breaks?
     
  13. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    I understand. He tried it once and lied about it and it just kept coming back.

    I don't know if that is exactly a relationship breaker. Yes. He lied to you but in essence he lied to protect you from the truth about himself. Sometimes, people will not tell you everything because they just don't want you to know about that and what they did...it could be embarrassment or it could be trickery. You have to determine which it is.

    I don't know.....if I asked my girl if she ever tried a drug and then I found out a year later that she did I don't think I would break up with her. I may be angry and try to find out why she lied but I don't think it would be grounds for ending the relationship. I might start to think maybe their was something else hidden underneath the lie. Maybe he is or was dependant on drugs, maybe something ELSE occurred while on the drug. You might want to dig deeper.

    Just my opinion.

     
  14. chainsawbarbie

    chainsawbarbie New Member

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    Part of what scares me is that he always tells me that he is completely honest with me, and that I have no reason not to trust him indefinitely.

    How could he say that to me knowing that he was lying to me about something? He told me that he thought I would break up with him over the drug. That scares me that he decided to hide something that he thought would hurt me a lot.
     
  15. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    You know ...

    Sometimes a person won't tell you something because they are afraid to lose you.

    If you knew in advance that he was a drugs user, would you have ever taken him into your life?

    I doubt it, that's why he hid it from you.
     
  16. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    Thats a good question by DE and you should definately think about that.
    If you are strongly against drugs then maybe dumping him would be in your best interest.

     
  17. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    I think you might be blowing this a bit out of proportion, this is not malicious deciet. He did something he wasnt proud of, and out of shame, embaressment, or fear he couldnt bring himself to tell you the truth. Im not saying you dont have the right to be upset, but i think you are letting yourself get a little carried away.

    ideals are nice, and truthfulness is a wonderful thing. This is the real world, you simply cant be ALL truthfull ALL the time. fibs, omissions, ambiguous wording... it happens. you have the right to be angry, but you are blowing things way out of proportion.
     
  18. chainsawbarbie

    chainsawbarbie New Member

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    You're right. He never tried to deceive me. He feels genuinely bad for what he has done. I can't help feeling betrayed though. Perhaps I am idealistic, but I always valued our truthfulness with one another.

    It just breaks my heart that I can't rely on that anymore, and it breaks my heart that he hurt me and that I can't trust him 100%
     

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