money issues in relationship

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by BrinkofSanity, Oct 13, 2008.

  1. need some advice/ give me your opinion on how i handled it.

    some background on my relationship. ill try to keep it short.


    been w. my gf for a year and a half. she moved in w. me after 6 months of us dating.

    i bring in a lot more then she does. she used to work full time but dropped to 32hrs a week bc she hates her job (she has applied elsewhere but we all know the economy right now). she calls off here and there at times making her paycheck even less.

    when we go out i pay 90% of the time for both of us. i pay all the bills and mortgage and only require her to pay her own bills (cell, car, car ins) and 250 a month to contribute towards mortgage and bills.

    here is where i may have made a mistake. she had a cc with about 1500 on it. she never asked and i offered to pay it off and she could pay me 50 a paycheck until she paid me off saving her the interest rate of the cc.
    when she is short on bills i offer to pay them and after she says no a few times she agrees... she does always pay me back quickly.

    we have never argued about this bc 1 she pays me back and 2 i dont want her to feel bad that i pay for things...... well we never argued until a few weeks ago.

    we go to grocery shop and decide to buy dinner. she sees something she wants and says "i cant afford it. im broke". i say nothing and suggest we get something else that is cheaper and we do.

    we go to pay and she asks me if i could pay for half of it. i say ok and we go home.
    later in the night she looks at me and says "im going to the club w. my friend she just text me. wanna come?" i say no bc im tired and assume she would then say ok and stay home bc she is broke. she says ok im going.

    so i ask her how she will get in and she tells me she has some money.

    this is when i get really annoyed. i bring up the issue of what happened w. dinner. she says she did not mean that she was really broke. i get annoyed even more and bring up how i pay for most everything. she explains that she does not bring in a lot. i tell her "well maybe if you did not work part time and call in your check would not be so low and you would not have money problems!" (by the way she makes 14$ an hr.... not a lot but more then enough for her to pay bills and still have money left over if she worked 40 hrs a week).

    so now she takes it to the extreme and says she never wants to borrow money, does not want me to pay for her when we go out, etc

    i try to explain thats not what i want. i dont mind paying but at the same time i do not want to be taken advantage of.


    my question:

    did i take this too seriously?

    how do you guys handle money issues?


    also.... she hates the way i argue. i remain calm but sound condescending. i ask questions which drives her nuts. she says i make her feel stupid and the arguments always end w. me being right. i really do not know how else to argue...... by the way she is not the first to bring this up about me so i know its legit.

    other then those two issues our relationship is amazing. even then those issues have not been huge.

    however the money thing worries me a bit when it comes to marriage. i expect her to carry her own weight the best she can. it worries me that she has poor work standards (never told her this part) and dropped to part time and still calls in. makes me wonder what would happen if i lost my job.


    ok so this was not short at all. sorry.

    so? thoughts about the money thing? how i handled it?

    what about my style of arguing?

    thanks guys :)
     
  2. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    first off, YOU shouldn't argue with her at all

    She isn't going to see it from your viewpoint because of an argument.

    You are in the right and she is in the wrong. So there is no need for an argument on your end. If she gets frustrated and vents then let her. But don't get emotional yourself.

    Calmly state the facts.

    The fact is she is immature and has no idea how to budget her money.

    This isn't entirely her fault, as our society in general and most likely her upbringing specifically have reinforced her spending habits. We live in a consumer society.

    Also women are generally more suceptible to advertising than men.

    You've got to bottom line this for her, but not in the form of an ultimatum.

    Basically you've got to set a standard for yourself that you REQUIRE your partner to be financially responsible like you are.

    She doesn't want to hear it, but she is FINANCIALLY IRREPSONSIBLE. This is the root of a lot of the arguments. And when she gets all pissy and says "I just won't borrow from you ever again" this is an attempt to manipulate you emotionally.

    You have to decide right now if you want to have a relationship with a CHILD that you are FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE for. Or do you want to find a woman who is mature and responsible with her finances.

    You can work with her to understand things like budgeting, but in my experience it isn't going to work because at the end of the day most women have the thought in the back of their mind that no matter how irresponsible they are with money, a man will come and bail her out (and sadly in most cases they are right).

    Like I said, at minimum you have to stop arguing. When she says she doesn't like the way you argue, that's just crazy.

    An argument is a fight where there is a winner and a loser. You don't need to fight because YOU ARE RIGHT AND SHE IS WRONG.

    So when these issues come up just stick to the facts that she is financially irresponsible, and that you don't need to argue because you are in the right.

    Also if you want to you can offer to help her learn how to manage her money. This is a skill that has to be learned by most people. I for one was really bad with my finances when I was younger, but I had to learn to discipline myself. And the underlying issue here is self-discipline: she has none.

    The place to start if she wants help with her finances is to track each and every purchase she makes. I've found a dry erase board to be perfect for this. People try to keep receipts but I've found this doesn't work so well. You'll have to grill her every day about her purchases and do some estimating. Personally I think this is a waste of time - she won't change for herself and she will only "toe the line" to keep from getting in trouble by you. Also this requires you to be stern which you may not be interested in.

    My wife was so bad with her finances that when we got married I would take her money everyday (she was a waitress) and then when she needed to buy something she would have to come to me. This worked for awhile but she really didn't learn anything from it. Now I just have to jump her ass every once in awhile. She will do really good for a few weeks then out of the blue blow a bunch of money that she can't afford to spend and I have to put my foot in her ass again.
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :uh: Blows my mind people are like this, every time I'm still surprised when I see a thread about a guy who bends over backwards (financially) for a woman. You didn't just make a mistake by paying off her credit card, you made a mistake when you moved in at 6 months with a flighty girl who never takes any charge in her life to pay for things. I mean the fact that she pays you back slowly is better than nothing, but you're still her sugar daddy and I sadly get the feeling you like that; it makes you feel like she is going to keep you around.

    Most people who are "broke" have money, they just blow it all on the wrong things. When I was broke as hell over a year ago I was miserable because my bf always offered to pay and I refused. I took care of it myself usually because I didn't want him to later spite me and honestly I wanted to take care of myself. I only spent my little bit of money on everyday food and bills. Never went out anymore, never bought myself material goods, etc. Your gf is typical though, she wants to have all the fun and not worry about the consequences. This is why she takes off days and chooses a night club over eating. I'm at least glad you called her out on it, too bad you didn't do it sooner.

    :uh: What are you doing! She's giving you the best and easiest out ever. Stop trying to be her knight in shining armor. Let the bitch take some responsibility in her life and pay for things.

    Umm, you took it too seriously in the sense that you are being a pushover and letting your gf rule your money pretty much. Good relationships shouldn't revolve around one person getting whatever they want. Just because she might seem happy doesn't mean she's going to stay around. She could easily meet a guy who is a challenge to her and leave you for him because he doesn't take her shit.

    My bf and I didn't move in together until being together 2 years. Up until then our finances were completely seperate. When I was broke he offered to pay for dinners or nights out but wasn't stupid enough to pay off my credit debt. Even now when we live together he makes much more than I do but we still split the rent and bills 50/50 and just got our own joint account. When we go out for the night to eat or the movies we always split or just switch off who pays.

    She feels inferior because she has taken the role of being inferior.

    :bowrofl: You're in huge denial if you think these money issues aren't huge. It's only going to get far worse at the rate you are going. Money is the #1 reason people breakup/divorce they say, so you need to figure that shit out.

    She needs to carry her own weight if she wants to have an adult relationships that is healthy. The way you are bending over for her though has your relationship set for imminent fail at some point. You need to be telling her concisely and genuinely how you feel about all this. If she's not wiiling to bend over for you a little bit then you need to wake up and realize you two will never work out.
     
  4. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Like I said above, you don't need to argue.

    SHE needs to argue, because factually she is in the wrong, so she can only be "right" by manipulating you emotionally.

    When she was a child she manipulated her mother emotionally in order to get what she wanted. And possibly her father as well, if she had one. I guarantee it.

    "You make her feel stupid" because her actions are the actions of a stupid person. So YOU aren't making her feel stupid because she is doing that all on her own.

    The fucked up part is that she is 100% totally wrong and she has YOU questioning if you are in the right :rofl:

    Bottom line here is that she has been taking advantage of your good nature.
     
  5. my goal is not to be her knight when it comes to finances. if it was i would point it out to her when i paid for things. ive only pointed it out once.

    in denial that money is a huge issue? how so? i took the time to make a thread about it and later said that it worries me when it comes to taking the next step. if i did not realize it was an issue would i be worried about marrying her?


    i do agree that i need to stop bending over though. the next time she does not have money for a bill i will not offer to pay and see if she asks me for the money.

    whether or not i let her borrow the money will depend on why she needs it.

    1. did she call off work? did she blow it on stuff she did not need? etc.... then i will say no. how she reacts to this will be a huge indicator to me. if she gets mad at me i will rethink our relationship and have a serious talk w. her.

    2. if she does not have the money but its bc of a serious issue (her car broke down, health issue, family problem,etc) then i will let her borrow the money.


    thoughts? or do you still think even paying for a her in situation 2 is a mistake?
     
  6. you are right about the arguing part. i know that i am right but then start to feel bad for making it an issue when i have plenty of money to pay for me, her, and still go out every weekend.

    i need to stop that asap.
     
  7. another thing about budgeting her money for her.

    i do not feel comfortable doing that. i dont want to play the role of her dad where i tell her what she can and cannot do w. it. i want her to learn on her own...... and im willing to help w. it.... but not to the extreme of me holding her money and making her ask me when she can have it.

    another issue w. the different levels of financial responsibility may be age.

    she is 22 and i am 28.
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You said yourself at the end of the thread that everything is "great" other than the money issues which really aren't "that bad." But the reality is you're in denial and have just started to realize her flaws so you're finally accepting this could be a problem, and it will become a massive problem if you don't get it under control now.

    Sigh.

    You need to instead of all that just sit her down, say the money thing has gotten to be more than you ever thought it would be and you need to resolve it. Say you want a relationship that is equal. Even if she doesn't make the same amount of money as you that is fine, but she needs to put more effort into things because it's not fair to you to be paying off her debts, paying for your food, paying for your living expenses. Put your foot down now and make it known that her shit will no longer be tolerated.
     
  9. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    and you have "plenty of money" because you are financially responsible

    she is broke because she is financially irresponsible

    and with the economy in the shitter and only going to get worse in the near future, all this is even more critical and it would be otherwise

    when you "start to feel bad" its because she is attempting to manipulate you

    My recommendation would be to separate your finances as much as possible to put maximum pressure on her to live up to her financial responsibilites.

    She is going to blow her money as much as possible as long as you are there to bail her out.
     
  10. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    and there is no reason they couldn't adjust her payments to the bills based on her income:

    i.e. she makes 40% as much as him, so she pays 40% of the bills instead of 50%.... (or whatever, this is just an example)

    there is always a solution, and usually its a simple one
     
  11. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Basically if I was in his shoes I would want to set up a system that would allow her to fulfill her financial obligations as early in the month as possible, then let her be as irresponsible with rest of her income as she chooses.

    But her being irresponsible on the front end then scrambling to meet her obligations at the end of the month and requiring his help every time is UNACCEPTABLE in my opinion and unfair to him.

    You can make a budget that clearly shows she brings in enough money to meet her obligations and that the only reason she fails to do so is because she mis-manages her money (blows it on shit that makes her feel good - instant gratification).
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    EXACTLY :bowdown:

    :bigthumb:
     
  13. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    another option is to base housework on how much she is financially contributing. if she never pays the rent, then she needs to clean the place every weekend, or cook dinner every night, or give him blowjobs every night. SOMETHING to make it equal. there are a ton of solutions

    TS, the problem is she isnt accountable for anything. you take care of the normal monthly bills to live. she is supposed to take care of her own personal bills, but many times cons you into taking care of those too. and she does this because she knows you will

    it was a bad idea to move in together and not split things equally and it might be very hard to do it now, but you need to try to set the new standard.

    and you said you didnt want to be her dad and budget her money for her? well, you are being her dad by solving all of her money problems for her already.

    you cant force someone to be smart with their money, but you can stop bailing them out.

    and money is a one of the big 3 issues, along with sex and religion. if you guys already dont agree on one of the big 3, whats the point?
     
  14. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    the way i have it set up now she pays me 175 every two weeks (125 is for half of the 250 a month i asked her to pay and 50 is for the cc payment i paid off for her).

    she failed to pay on time twice.

    once when she got into a car accident and had to pay her 500 ded.. she paid the ded and the bills to me the next paycheck.

    and the second time this past week when she was... well... simply irresponsible and called off work to the point that her check was short and she could not pay her car ins bill. so i told her pay that and pay me back the next check.

    that second time i could smack myself for bc it happened maybe 3 weeks after the whole incident w. the dinner. i should've put my foot down then and told her that it was her problem.
    yet i could not do it bc i felt bad that she could not pay it... and well.... she cant really be driving around w.o car ins.

    yail puts in a more blunt direct way while wishyouwerebeer tries to be cute by brining up denial, using :bowrofl:, and sighing.

    in the end you are both correct. i need to sit her down and talk this through and not feel bad.

    i really do not feel comfortable bringing it up right now though. i would almost feel like im rehashing an argument from 3 weeks ago. however, mark my word, next time she cannot pay a bill or complains about being broke i will have a serious talk w. her about finances.
     
  15. ooops i did not notice my buddy was logged into my pc........ HOC is me i just did not log him out from last night and was originally posting from my laptop.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :hsugh: I was blunt as well. I don't see how me laughing at his naivety is me being "cute" but yeah...

    Wait a second, did you just admit BrinkofSanity is your AE???
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    if you are rehashing arguments and things dont improve, thats a sign to get out
     
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd: You are making excuses when really the fact is you are afraid to bring it up. If you keep putting it off and not bringing it up your relationship will still fail at some point. Marriages don't succeed when people skirt the issues.
     
  19. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    God damn, everything I wanted to say and then some. Listen to Yail.
     
  20. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    ^^ exactly

    and this isnt an occational issue where you can wait til it happens again. every day you are paying for her to live and eat and letting her get away with it.

    this needs to be brought up now
     
  21. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Sure it's not your 20th AE?
     
  22. AE? .... oh wait.. lol... i got it now alter ego. im not very up to date w. internet lingo i guess.

    no i explained that my friend came over and logged onto OT from my pc last night. i was posting from my laptop and then went to type last thread on my pc and did not log him out.


    anyways........ i may have done a poor job at explaining this, but here i go.

    the money thing has only come up twice. im ok w. the arraingment of her paying me 250 a month to live w. me. that is not the issue. i came up w. that amount and she even told me that she felt it was not that much.

    the issue is when she cannot pay for said payment or cant pay for one of her personal bills and then i help her. u

    this has only come up twice.

    so dont think that this happens monthly. that is why i feel like i want to wait until this happens again before i bring it up.
     
  23. see post above. either way this thread is not about you being concerned w. an AE. you can choose to believe the reason why i posted under the other name or you can make up your own reason of an alter ego. either way its no sweat off my back as long as i get sound advice which you, yail, and vodka have been giving me so far.
     
  24. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    AE ALERT AE ALERT! TROLLING IMMINENT. :mamoru:
     
  25. man you guys are really concerned w. this alter ego thing arent you?

    even if it was why would you care? its not like im posting by bashing members, spamming the forum, or anything that negatively impacts the forum.

    can we move on from this and get back on topic?
     

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