SRS Molested by family member...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by blaq19, Sep 4, 2008.

  1. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    I don't know why, I posted this in my blog yesterday but I felt like I should post it here in OT as well seeing as how I've gotten lots of help from everyone here over the past years.

    When you get on the very touch subject of rape and molestation it's like whoa, especially involving children. You just touched that topic that should be silenced and avoided, maybe that's the problem right there. This is something that happens everyday to people everywhere, those we know/don't know and maybe it could be happening to someone in your own home, or even you! It's said that most children who are raped, molested, and sexually abused are often victims of a neighbor, family friend, or even worse a family member.

    (This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write)

    Until this past weekend when I returned home to KY for a family reunion, I can honestly say that I hadn't given it a second thought in months. I had actually blocked it out and was totally clear-minded. Only when I overheard a lady who happened to be my cousin say;

    "Yeah it was so sad what they did to that girl. Her own two brothers who were her guardians had her locked up for days, beat her and took turns raping her. I honestly in my heart think I'd kill someone if they did that to one of my children!"

    It was then, that very moment. Everything came back to me so vividly and so clear breaking that barrier that I had put up for so long; the weather outside, the way he smelled, what he was wearing, what I ate that morning, how he grabbed me. All of a sudden I felt weak and helpless just as I did back then. It made me feel less of a person and at the same time so angry and frustrated.

    Until today I've never spoken to anyone about this or even thought of telling a soul. I was too embarrassed and ashamed of what others would think or say about me. Yet, for some reason I felt the urge to write this down and make the first step at some sort of closure for myself. So here goes...

    As a child I myself was molested several times by a family member, there I said it. I have now cried myself to sleep about it for the past three nights, and all I want to do is go back to forgetting it ever happened and put up my wall but I can't. It's something that won't go away, ever! It can't.

    I just remember it being around noon on a summer day and wanting to go play outside and soon as I'd touch that doorknob there he was in his deep voice "Hey, where you going? You know you can't go outside yet, we gotta do something first." That's where it all started, he wouldn't let me go outside or play any games until he'd had his own fun. It was in my great-grandmothers house in which I'd stay while my mother was working. I'd say I was probably around 5yrs. old as I don't have any recollection of my little sister being around yet. He would take me into the bathroom and make me unzip his pants and then tell me to pull down mine while he touched me and jerked himself off. He'd then bend me over the bathtub and tell me to be quiet and I just remember crying and the pain and he'd stop because my grandmothers room was just a door over and he didn't want to awaken her. He would then make me go out onto the back porch while he jerked off and and make me watch and sometimes touch him.

    While your normal 5yr. old has no chores and is free to play with toys and go outside, I was subjected to the sick sexual desires of not only a man but my own family!

    So I sat back and thought of what my cousin had said at the family reunion about how she truly believed in her heart that she would kill someone who were to ever touch her child like that. I just wondered what she'd do if she found out it was her son?
     
  2. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    Telling someone is the first step, dont stop taking your life back. I know many people who have dealt with this situation and I can assure you that its gona get better someday.
     
  3. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I see you post in the vag sometimes. How old are you now? Have you sough therapy/has this guy ever been in trouble for what he did?
    My heart goes out to you, and the above poster is right, being able to talk about it and really wrap your head around the fact that is not your fault, that you were a victim and that his sin is not on you, is the first step.
     
  4. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    I hope it does, I think I might tell one of my closest friends this weekend because I don't think I can bare telling the family at this point.


    I'll be 23 next week. I haven't sought out therapy or even though about it really until few days ago but I'm def going to look into it. Thanks, your words mean a lot.
     
  5. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    Yeah, I don't know how I would ever be able to even think about telling my family. I really hope it gets better. Thanks for telling your story as well.
     
  6. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    I just want to say thanks to all of those pm'd me their stories and support it really meant a lot. :) I know for some it isn't the easiest thing in the world to talk about but every little way helps take a little pressure off your mind.

    Also just as those who have listened to my problems and helped me out I am also here for anyone who wants to talk as well. So feel free to hit me up! :)
     
  7. Shayes

    Shayes OT Supporter

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    i hope it doesnt constantly bother you. thats a main fear i have if that ever happened to me. im sorry what you went through and i hope he pays for it one way or another.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    You are a strong person for having the courage to talk about this. You might have read the other thread about being abused as a child, the same count for sexual abuse. It isn't normal but unfortunately it is waaay to common. Tons of kids i've spoken to have been sexually abused.As i said only God knows what happens behind the curtains in all those households, its messed up beyond belief.

    You've come in a period of your life where you need to start processing the occurings. You need to get yourself a theraphist, as wel as venting in here. Further more it would be wise to find a support group for rape victims. Im sincerely sorry that you had to go thru such an experience.

    You know its usual for messed up stuff like that to come haunt you. The reason is that the brain (especially during young age) remembers causes of pain, it does that in order to protect itself in the future. The more painfull the reaction , the better the memory and brain recognition of the event is. That's why you are so deeply wounded because the brain is best at remembering traumatizing events.

    So you have to keep that in mind, its good to vent about these events so that you don't make your heart a murderhole, you've been doing that for years, and at one given point it starts to eat you alive, basically its all about re-directing all that negative energy into a positive direction so you can move on with your life again.

    Its best to have a female theraphist with whom you can discuss your problem, because she can show you how a normal relationship between a man and woman should be. How sexual contact doesn't have to be associated with pain and misery. But with love and affection as how it should be.

    some links

    http://www.pcar.org/
    http://www.aest.org.uk/survivors/rts.html
    http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/child_sexual_abuse
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse

    support groups

    http://www.darkness2light.org/GetHelp/support_child_family.asp
    http://www.google.com/Top/Society/Support_Groups/Sexual_Abuse/

    You don't have to worry about this guy going to jail, life has showed it that Karma will hit him back like a boomerang in the head.

    Get your mind organised and stable, don't use any anti-depressants because they will de-stabilize you even more. You should mainly vent , and process this situation by talking to people,venting in here and going to rape victim support groups.

    I suggest you talk about it to your family, the reason is that although its never a good idea to put oil on the fire, i also don't believe its a good idea to make your heart a murder hole. What you do is this. You will tell it to your parents, and your parents will deal with whoever guy it was(your uncle i believe?) that caused that horrible raping to occur.

    Or is he already deceased? I can't tell from your story.
     
  9. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    Therapy is good, nuff said.
     
  10. controvert

    controvert OT Supporter

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    It's good to talk, and therapists (in my opinion) help you think about things in a completely different light (towards the positive)
     
  11. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    Thanks for the links. No he's not dead, it was my cousin and I want to say he's in his mid 30's I'd say now. It's just even scarier now because he has three children of his own.
     
  12. I FEEL OK

    I FEEL OK Guest

    Have you considered revenge?
     
  13. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    I actually have but what I want to do would most mikey put me in jail instead of him and my life is too great now to fuck it up over that scumbag.
     
  14. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    Yeah, it's something about the state that just oozes of pedofiles.
     
  15. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    i don't follow...is the person who was abused you? and you were molested by your cousin?
     
  16. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    It was my cousin.
     
  17. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    oh. thanks
     
  18. Plasma

    Plasma New Member

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    I think you should definitely tell SOMEONE you know about this.

    What if he is doing this to his children? And like you, have not spoken up about it yet.

    Please think of them. Tell someone else and discuss it over with them.
     
  19. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    :) You're fine I wasn't offended or anything by your comment I was being serious, I've heard so many stories and very odd stories about people in KY by family members that's why I said that.

    On another note, I haven't really thought about it that much lately and I was back home again for the weekend and it didn't bother me once. I am having lunch with one of my close friends tomorrow and I am going to tell her. I will get counseling once it feels right for me.
     
  20. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    I am telling a friend tomorrow, as far as telling a family member or anything I'm still sort of nervous about. Although I do somehow want his family to know and hopefully he hasn't touched his own children.
     
  21. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    Thanks everyone for your support! :hug:
     
  22. Plasma

    Plasma New Member

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    You should tip off CPS then anonymously.

    You owe this person nothing, do not hesitate to do it - you could be saving those children from what you went through.
     
  23. OhFourTwoThree

    OhFourTwoThree New Member

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    Reading this just makes me want to bawl.
     
  24. Replicant

    Replicant New Member

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    He has children? Oh man. :hs:
     
  25. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Me and my cousins were all pretty much abused by one of our uncles. It was hard to call it that because it was done as a game or a way of teasing and in front of the whole family as if it was normal and innocent. But as I learned that everyone else went through the same thing, it's pretty obvious that the guy was sick in the head. He was always the black sheep of the family and at two points in his life had a lot going for himself but would always fuck it up. He got married and opened a business. We all thought he was going to make it. Now he's divorced, jobless, and homeless. The guy goes into his brother's store just to use the bathroom or shower, all without saying a word. He even ran into another brother recently and didn't even recognize him. I think the reason he hasn't hit up my grandma for money like he used to do is because he's probably forgotten who she is or where she lives. What a sad downward spiral. Maybe karma does exist afterall.
     

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