SRS Messed Up

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by La Turista, Feb 20, 2009.

  1. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    About a year and a half ago, I felt really lost with myself. After 20+ years of marriage, everything my husband did upset me. I would sit back and think how I could be married to this man for over 20 years.

    The thought of him touching me sometimes made me actually physically ill even the smell of him. As all teenagers go, they are self absorbed in themselves and of course resentment for never helping around the house built up. Then my son introduced me to online games..Rose to be specific.. I loved this game and had fun. Played it day and night...then as I met people, I met one young man in particular. We would play together and chat back and forth and flirt. Then I heard is voice on line and my heart wouldn't stop beating fast and he just took my breathe away.

    To this day he still does. Here I am 22 years older than this young man and he wants me. We met about 6-7 times and talked everyday. Yes I committed adultry and most of the time I didn't even think about the age difference. On and off for that time I felt so guilty that I have done this to my family, though they do not know but my daughters suspect.

    I talked to him everyday and even phone sex. Looking at the big picture I sat back and realized that I have not only put my family in jeopardy but I have involved an innocent. For weeks I thought of breaking it off though my heart said not to. this person was my savior at my weakest point and my best friend. I am only on day one of breaking things off and he was in agreement. I don't know

    what is going to happen with my husband because I still don't feel in love with him but I can't take anymore chance about my kids. When Ithink about getting this young man involved with me it makes me ill to think that I have hurt him. Gosh..his mother is the same age as I am and I did this. I am dieing inside of missing him so much and the thought of never having contact with him again kills me.

    And then i tell myself this is my punishment for doing this to him...well, i just needed to share this with someone...I pray that each day gets better and he will find someone who will love him for he deserves only the best, especially after what I have done......
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 24, 2009
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    You should stay with your husband not for your husband but for the kids, i don't know how old they are but once they are adult you might consider a divorce, thing is that even when they are adult a divorce is not something that will leave a good impression on them. I think that the most important thing to understand is that when you make a decision to marry someone there are consequenses to that action, in fact all decisions have consequenses to them and may lead to situations whereas the grass looks greener on the other side. But this is of no use as you can't own your neighbours grass, and while looking your own grass starts to rot, that's why you need to tend to your own patch of grass, and thats why you need to take care of your children.

    On the other hand there's also maby a fault in the way how you approuch things, if i were you i would first ask kindly to your husband to help along, if he refuses just say nothing and make him feel guilty, keep asking every time for him to help along.

    We try to find all kinds of exuses to justify cheating, but you feel it when you are wrong in your doings. Especially if there are children involved , this feeling of guilt is a warning sign that things aren't going in the way they are supposed to go, sometimes you need to do that what is right instead of the things you want to do. Its hard as hell but for the time being you need to stay with your husband up till the point that you've secured the future for your children.

    You might consider a divorce or a glue attempt with your husband for the sake of your children. You don't want another 20 years of unhappyness, but be carefull not to drag others along in the misery although it may not be completely possible, try to reduce the damage you do with all your actions as much as possible.
     
  3. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    awful advice, and even you say why
    staying together "for the children" *IS* dragging others (the kids) along in the misery.


    you should do what you need to do, and if that means divorcing your husband now then do it.
     
  4. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    You should never stay together for the sake of your kids. It's important to think about your kids but think about you too. Plus, your kids will be able to tell that you and your husband don't get along and it will affect them negatively.

    Leave your husband then decide if a relationship with this younger man is a good idea. Sure it might not be widely accepted but this is your life and your happiness. You can't always live for other people and you deserve love. Also, do consider whether or not your great attachment to this man is because he was there and available when things were bad with your husband.
     
  5. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    horrible advice. i am a kid from a divorced family and i can tell you that i knew my parents were not happy together and am so thankful they separated and then found people they truly loved. had they stayed together, i would have a horrible idea of what love was supposed to be. do you want your kids to marry someone they are not really happy with because your relationships is the only example of "love" that they have?

    if you are unhappy with your husband and you have tried to make it work and its still not working, then leave him, but do it for yourself, not for this other guy. you need to sort out your issues before you think about having a relationship with anyone else.
     
  6. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    :werd: I can attest to this. My parents did that, and it fucking sucked. I was happiest when they separated
     
  7. Flameboyant

    Flameboyant Member

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    you and your husband have a loveless marriage. i think that is just as bad as growing up in a divorced family. you love your kids and that will never change, but you should think about your own happiness
     
  8. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    La Turista....I remember you. Not sure why but when I saw your name, it looked familiar. Then I found this:
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?p=85907415#post85907415

    There were people in that thread telling you to leave, encouraging you to find help but you clung to this idea that you had to get through 4 more years till your youngest graduated HS. Imagine if you had simply allowed yourself the opportunity to leave instead of start an affair.

    The thing is, many people do what you've done. Don't beat yourself up too much. I know, you feel like the lowest of the low but you're not....don't forget there's a whole slew of lawyers and politicians that have done and are doing FAR worse than you've done....so take heart in that.

    My post in that previous thread was to encourage you to pursue your own happiness. I seriously doubt that your family is as naive as you think they are. They likely know or suspect that something is going on but like you, they choose to ignore these signs and act as if everything is OK.....even if nothing is.

    One day you're going to have to determine that what you want is OK. That the needs of your children may be better served with you taking care of yourself. Noone can make this decision for you....you have to do it. For someone that's been running from their own needs for a long time, this can be brutal.

    You mentioned in that other thread that you had a therapist. Were you up front and honest about the affair BEFORE YOU BEGAN THE AFFAIR? If not, why not? You may be like so many people that would rather do something so awful to make the other person leave them, then to decide to leave. That way it gives them the ability to say, "But he left me." Which everyone hearing this knows it's complete and utter BULLSHIT. So why not live more honestly?
     
  9. tainted beef

    tainted beef I got Grape Nuts

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    I for one agree with this advice as i am going through a similar situation. I am 39, not a new comer,,,make sure yuo are happy with yourself and not pissed at life in general looking for an easy way out :wiggle:
     
  10. Dodger Blue

    Dodger Blue OT Supporter

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    Honestly I think it depends on how well the parents can keep it hidden. My mom was never happy when I was growing up in terms of a relationship but I never knew this until I got older when she told me.

    She says she only stayed married because of me and I think she did the right thing because like I said. I never would have known they were unhappy.

    Little fights here and there but nothing serious.

    So yea if the kids are going to notie something it's probably not a good idea. But I think if only one parent is unhappy and they can not make it obvious it might be better to stay together.
     
  11. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Staying together for the sake of the children has been proven time and time again to be a bad idea. It only takes one or two intercessions by the kids before they realize they're what's holding their parents together. Ask me how I know.
     
  12. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    so her life should suck because it might upset you if they divorce?
     
  13. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    If anything, that right there is a good reason not to keep problems a secret. It lets the kids think they're the only people in the universe who matter.

    Kids need to see that other people have shit to deal with too. Doesn't mean they should be allowed to meddle in it, because that causes other problems, but they should at least be aware.
     
  14. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    not to mention it gives them a skewed idea of what a healthy relationship is like
     
  15. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    my kids are fine and i would get out of this marriage now if I thought it was hurting them. I have been with this man for over 21 years I do owe it to him and myself to try at least to make sure..I just don't know where to start...I wish I could start back at the beginning like it was when we first met and once and a while I would get that "tingly" feeling for him but it has been a few weeks now since he has been back from his work trip in which he was gone for a month and a half...and i am hesitant to start...I want sex, and actually haven't had sex in over two months,, i know he is frustrated, i just cant figure out what is holding me back...I know we went out to dinner with the kids today and then we went to the store alone after and he held my hand on the way in and that was nice...rrrr any advice?
     
  16. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    quit the online game, quit talking to the other guy, and start couples counseling with your husband.
     
  17. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    i don't talk to the other guy, it isn't an online game...thanks
    I did mention counseling with my husband which he said we did not need, since he went through it with his first wife. I have told him how I felt. I am only asking for those out there with some suggestion, how do you change the feeling of just friend back to some kind of sparkle...
     
  18. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    oh wait, you already quit? sorry, your style of writing is kind of confusing. that's good then.

    if your husband insists that you don't need couple's counseling (which seems odd to me) would you be able to at least see a therapist yourself? it would help to have an objective mind help you to sort out your feelings. maybe you would find out if the relationship is really worth saving. if there's no actual love it will be hard to create a "spark".
     
  19. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    #1. hold his hand more.

    take time, actually *schedule* time if you have to, to be with him alone, even if that means you're just going to walk the mall together for an hour holding hands.

    my wife and I play a sort of game where we ask each other questions. one of us will say "your turn" and the other comes up with a question s/he really doesn't know the answer to (or maybe wants more detail about). so while you're walking ask him a question. when he's answered you then you answer that same question (if your question started a discussion and you say your answer that counts). then say "your turn" and when he asks what you mean tell him "It's your turn to ask me a question." Expect something stupid like "what's your favorite color/food/dress?" and answer him and say "what's yours?" and he'll answer you. then ask him a significant question again..........rinse, lather, repeat.

    the way to NOT let a relationship die is to actively work on making it live.


    btw, what are you going to do when your husband finds out you cheated?



    or the kids know *something* is wrong and, being self-centered because they're kids, they assume they are the problem.
     
  20. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Maybe you need to just get drunk and let him do his thing. You want affection, and men get affectionate after sex. As long as the next time isn't too far in the future, that affection should last long enough to make the next time easier. It's always nice if you can conjure up a magical easy solution, but sometimes you just have to be stubborn and shove through the roadblocks until you get your momentum going again.

    Talk to some older couples at your church or whatever, and find out when the last time was they had that "tingle". I bet you'll find out it's been a long long time -- based on similar conversations I've had with old married couples, people don't stay married their whole lives because they're madly in love with each other (99% of the time anyway), they stay married their whole lives because they work well together and their lives are better because of it.

    EDIT: Something my Irish grandmother used to say: "Sex is mostly a man's thing, but the woman should respond anyway."
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2009
  21. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Usually what it means when someone insists counseling isn't necessary, is they don't acknowledge there's a problem and/or they don't want to consider the possibility that they are the source of said problem -- but it can also mean they don't want to take the chance that the counselor will validate everything the other person says.

    Counseling doesn't work if you're not BOTH willing to consider the possibility that everything you're doing is wrong. You want counseling, he doesn't, but what are you going to do if the counselor says "It seems to me the problem is she doesn't put out often enough"? Are you willing to consider the possibility that you might be making the mistake? If you're not willing to consider that possibility, then the counseling will do no good.
     
  22. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    As for the question what will I do when my husband finds out I cheated? I am not sure...I really hope he never finds out. If he does then all I can do is say that I am sorry. I slept with someone that was my best friend for a while and I thought that is what I needed when in fact I just wasn't facing that I needed to solve something in my marriage. Something is missing in my marriage and I confronted it with my husband, all his picking all these years and when I had enough I was angry and turned to someone else instead of solving an issue...I realize that right now most of the issue is with me. I have talked to a therapist and know what steps I have to take..i guess I am just afraid that in the end..I may have a failed marriage after 21 years...And I don't put out enough because I really don't like having sex with him. I tried to tell him the things that I like but it is almost like he doesn't listen...sometimes it even feels like a violation...one of the reasons I came to this board is in hopes that there is another woman here or man that has been through the same situation..I like sex..maybe that is why I turned to this other person..he didn't grab at my breast all the time or come up behind me and the first thing he does is put his hands between my legs..he respected me and cared about what I felt...after I told my husband that I wasn't sure about my feelings for him, that I hated some of the things he did he tried somewhat but in bed if I said something was too ruff or too much he still continued..I guess that is when I turned to the other person..and I realize that was one of the biggest mistakes in my life since I involved this person in something that I needed to solve first...

    I liked the hand holding and the small kisses..I know it frustrates him but if i give in it will be the same again and that I can't live with... I know I should give him more sex but his idea is a blow job to start everything off half the time he cums before we even have intercourse.

    I was just looking for some advice from some that may have gone through this...right now I am trying to fix what I can do better as I try to tell him what I can't live with.

    I have never said in any of my postings that this in anyway is his fault...I have stated what he made me feel, my thoughts on why I turned to someone else, and how I can make things better...
     
  23. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    this is so sad :hs:

    don't have sex with him because you should
     
  24. Troy

    Troy New Member

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    The OP is dead wrong and should confess to her husband. She didn't make a mistake, she made a bad choice and frankly is being a coward. I don't give a shit what her husband did or didn't do, give for her...LEAVE THE MARRIAGE FIRST!

    And remember folks this is her side of the story.
     
  25. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    Troy, your right on one part..this is my side of the story and I came on here to find someone who is going through or went through what I am...

    I have pointed out how I feel the marraige is. Never once have I put blame on my feeling of loveless marriage on my husband.

    No, I will not confess to him and hurt him if we should stay together because that was my "bad choice". I will not lie to him though if he should ask me.

    I was looking for people that have been in this situation and how they worked things out for other ideas..

    He does not listen to me in bed even if I tell him things hurt and we have been married a long time that it is kind of awkward to discuss it but maybe that is what I or we have to get past.... Maybe I just want to hear from someone who has been through this especially with a success story...I am working at this and don't want it to fail but I do know that how I feel right now is not something I want or need for the rest of my life or his. As far as the "younger" guy goes the age thing wasn't the issue. he was my best friend that I connected with and ended up having a relationship with until I realized that this was hurting him and I have involved someone else into something that I needed to work out. That part is over, which I will never be since it will stay with me that I have hurt this person when I had no right to. If my husband should confront me about an affair I would not lie to him but if I can save my marriage and be happy in it in the end I will not tell him.
     

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