SRS messed up situation involving kids(anonymous post)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Aug 8, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I see there is already a thread in this forum similair to my situation, but Id like a new one. Before I begin Id like to ask that you not rip me apart too much until you read all of this.

    My ex-wife and I married 5 years ago after she became pregnant. At the time there was much confusion over who the father really was. It was either me or another guy that she had been seeing before she cheated with me. At any rate I made a decision at the time to support her and the child. After several months I found out it wasnt mine, but I stayed anyway.

    The problem was that I wasnt really wanting to be a father, only doing what I thought was the responsable thing. 2 years later she became pregnant with our daughter. It was another unplanned child.

    now here we are 3 years later, and I have come to see that I wasnt really the father I should have been. Matter of fact I wasnt really a father at all. Dont get me wrong, I protected my kids, and provided for them, but beyond that.... I guess I was just a guy hanging around the house they called Dad. We did a few things together but never really bonded. I mean I could count the things we did together on both hands. Not a great showing for 5 years.
    Well my wife and I are now seperated and waiting on the divorce process to start. Its on hold since I am out of the country right now. I have been for the last few months. During that time she has met what appears to be a stand up man (we will call him Bob) that the kids have taken to very well. I mean they are actually bonding with him and taking him as the male role model I should have been.

    So this is where I am hung up. Im torn between what I think my be the selfish desire to be their dad, and my concern over what will really make them happy. If you ask me I will tell you that I love my children, would die for them and give the last dollar I have to see them safe. However I dont know that I have that conviction to be there every day and be the father that they deserve. Now I think that Bob may very well be capable (and is already showing it) of being the parent and father that they need.

    Here are the choices that I see (not saying this is all of them, but they are what I see) Either I stay in their lives, and still possibly be the non-father that I am. Or I can step out of their lives and let Bob be their father. I would still continue paying child support, but would not interfer in their lives at all. I would essentially be none existant.

    After much though about what I want, and how that may impact my attitude toward this whole situation, Im heavely leaning towards stepping out of their life. I think I can deal with other people hating me for my choice (everyone here included) but I wonder just how much my daughter will hate me if/when she finds out. As for the boy that I have supported, I still consider him my son and will not waiver from anyother support in that regard, I wonder how much he will hate me aswell. His bio dad has made very little (if any effort) to be a part of his life.

    I just wonder which will be more damaging to them, for me to continue half assing the job of father (and no, I have no faith that I could do any better) or for me to just not exist in their life anymore.

    I would be grateful if you could keep the responses constructive, but understand if you just have the need to call me a bastard. Thank you for your time.
     
  2. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wow! You seem to have a good heart and good intentions. Kids value your time with them more than anything else. If you can keep the lines of communication open with them in the years to come, so that they can feel free to come to you for anything, and if you can spend time with them, then in 20 years you won't have any regrets and they won't hate you. Stay in touch with your kids; you don't have to compete with the other guy for the kids' affections either. Remember, kids watch what you do, not just what you say.
    Good luck!
     
  3. PlayForBlood

    PlayForBlood The rules, rules don't apply to you. You're specia

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2004
    Messages:
    1,628
    Likes Received:
    0
    "I just wonder which will be more damaging to them, for me to continue half assing the job of father (and no, I have no faith that I could do any better) or for me to just not exist in their life anymore."

    Well, I will simply answer that question.
    If you asked the boy, and then your 3 yr old daughter if they cared if you went away and they never saw you again, what do you think they would say?
    I am pretty sure, even if you feel disconnected from them, that they still love you and probably don't want to lose you forever in their lives.
    I couldn't imagine a 3 yr old little girl being ok with her father just leaving.
    I say do your best as a father, it doesn't have to be great, and your kids will love you and be glad you are there for them.
    I hope the best for you and your kids with whatever you choose
     
  4. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
     
  5. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    I think what you'r deciding between are very difficult things.

    Kids don't care if you're penniless, if you are there for them, make sure they have clothes and are fed and DO things with them, that's all that matters. I know a one person who's parents never had ANY money, but he always had clothes and food, even when his parents went years without. And one thing he always says is "My parents might not have had any money, but they loved me and they always had time for me". That's what matters most.

    I think that if you aren't willing to DO things with your kids, which actually IMO constitutes a relationship with them, then perhaps you are in the right to step aside and let them have a Male Rolemodel that's WILLING to do those things; i.e. take them to the playground, take them to the zoo, the aquarium, museums, puppet shows, the beach, amusements parks, movies, etc. If you aren't willing to do that, let someone who is, do so.

    The only question I have in regards to stepping aside is this: What happens when Bob disappears? Then they are left with the feeling that "well geez. My Dad doesn't come around and do anything with me and now Bob left and doesn't do stuff with us anymore, what's wrong with ME?" as opposed to them understanding that it's their Mother whom the men in their lives have really left and were there with in the first place. It could give the kids a complex and that's a difficult thing to overcome. So while Bob might be willing RIGHT NOW, he's not married to your Ex. He's not committed to being a part of your kids lives. YOU should just step up, be a man and start doing things with your kids when you're back in the country.

    Any man can be a "father" but it takes a REAL man to be a "Dad". So question is, do you want to be a Real man?
     
  6. gkremian

    gkremian New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2006
    Messages:
    2,236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    If I read your post wrong, then I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you think it's either you that has to be the father, or Bob that has to be the father. As far as I'm concerned, both of you can be. No, you won't be there all the time but when you are there, you just need to be 100% with your kids. You can both take them to the zoo, to the aquarium, to the movies, to the park. It doesn't have to be a "me or him" thing, and it no way should it be. You can balance your life with theirs, and because you won't have to be around them all the time, it should make it easier to be with them when they're there.

    Let me put it this way. The way you lived before, you would have your kids. It's easy to not want to go to the movies with them because when you wake up tomorrow, they'll still be there. What happens with your new life, that you don't want to take them to the movies, but you have to take them back to their mom tonight. When you wake up tomorrow, they won't be there. To me, a situation like that would make it a hell of a lot easier to be willing to spend time with my kids.

    Good luck, and remember the only person stopping you from doing anything in your life is yourself. If you want to be there for your kids you can be there. Easily.
     
  7. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2002
    Messages:
    64,128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    Why don't you just step up and be a real father its not too late, sorry man thats pretty fucked up just abandoning them completely you'll regret it someday then when you want back in their lives they're going to hate you.
     
  8. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,618
    Likes Received:
    179
    Location:
    Dingoland
    This isn't a black and white scenario.
    You can still be their dad and have Bob in their lives as well.
    It isn't a role that only one man can have.
    Even if you are a crappy dad and Bob is awesome, I can't see any reason why your children (they are your children, biological or not) would want to lose you.
    You don't have to fight for their attention. You don't have to out do each other. You just need to be there for your kids.
     

Share This Page