Men and Relationship Labels

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by TheChica504, May 12, 2009.

  1. TheChica504

    TheChica504 New Member

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    I'm curious to see opinions for this one, especially from the guys.

    Background: Guy I'm currently seeing I've been seeing for about 7 months total, first for 5, he dropped off the planet for a month and a half, and now we've been back for almost 2. He said his reason for dropping communication was for family/personal emotional issues (sister had miscarriage, father's Alzheimer's is getting worse, feeling depressed), but I wouldn't be surprised if it was to try his chances with another girl. Questioned him about it, he swears up and down no. I don't care either way, just would prefer honesty.

    Been touching on the issue of what we are and what's in store for us. I'll admit I've skirted the straight up "what are we, how do you feel about me, what are you thinking" convo because I try to let guys decide that and to reveal it when they feel comfortable. He has pretty much said that he sees us as an exclusive dating couple without labels, and that the only label and commitment that really matters is marriage.

    What do you think? Cheap cop-out from saying "I see us as friends with benefits, but if I tell you that you'll probably leave" or do you feel that it's fairly legit man-reasoning? Anyone feel nervous about the jump to official relationship status even if you really like someone? He hasn't introduced me to his parents or friends, so there hasn't been an opportunity for him to use friend/girlfriend/awkward silence intro. He isn't much for showing emotions and claims that most the men in his family go about relationships the same way. However we do have a lot of quality hang out time and shared interests. It doesn't seem like it's just about the sex because he could be getting a LOT more if he wanted.

    I'm thinking :bsflag: that's just an easy cop out for bailing if he finds someone else, but then again, he might just be a commitment-phobe from previous relationships.
     
  2. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    It's the dropping off the face of the earth without ANY communication whatsoever that strikes me.

    Honestly, relationship, no relationship, his reasons for NOT communication for 1.5m's outta the blue and then showing up figuring you were waiting around for him, spells major TROUBLE and I would be kicking him to the curb. Shit, I wouldn't have even bothered to take him back after the 1.5m's no communication thing.
     
  3. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    low interest level
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Honestly? Sounds to me like he's not ready in any way for a serious relationship of any kind. Not only is he saying that with his BS "we are exclusive without labels" comment but he proved how he felt-sick family or not-by dropping off the earth for 2 months. It's that cut and dry really.

    It seems that you honestly aren't REALLY in this relationship with all your heart though (rightfully so IMO), and for that reason....if you can really see yourself just having a casual relationship with this guy with NO mention of your future whatsoever then keep going....But my guess is you'll eventually want a real commitment with a label and therefore you should end this before you really let your guard down and get hurt.
     
  5. Boudreaux

    Boudreaux Active Member

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    Honestly, sounds like something I would do to a girl i was dating who was "good enough for now" :dunno:

    its been 2 years since i met a girl i was into enough to be in a "titled" commited relationship, but when i do, i'm usually ready and willing to go commital, without the side stepping he seems to be giving you.
     
  6. TheChica504

    TheChica504 New Member

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    I ended up dating some other guy during that time off when I thought he was gone for good. When that started to dwindle, he popped back in outta nowhere. I didn't think I should have bothered taking him back either, and I'm still leery of him doing it again which is why I'm anxious to get a real bearing on if he's interested in something real or just back for a joyride. Things seem better than they were ever before though, so it's tough to read.

    Obviously I'm going to have to muster the courage to address it. He's sometimes the hermit type, which makes the total drop off slightly understandable, but really, I should have gotten some notice before, or an epic epic I'm sorry gesture after, but it slid into life as usual without missing much of a beat.

    Probably poor justifications. I'm expecting to hear a lot of "gtfo now"
     
  7. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I was in your situation, I was afraid to say anything, and we are still in the same place we were about a year or so ago. He treats me like a gf, but doesn't put a title or anything to it. I've kinda resigned this relationship to its fate, and I'm not in too big of a rush to get into another serious relationship, so its fine for now.

    I would say talk to him now, or asap, find out what he wants and discuss what you want. If you are okay with just being whatever, then all the more power to you.
     
  8. TheChica504

    TheChica504 New Member

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    You and Beer are nailing it I think. We both are probably in good enough for now mode. For me, it's better than nothing, but obviously the longer it goes, the more attached I'll get. Time to face the "get serious or move on" heart to heart
     
  9. Boudreaux

    Boudreaux Active Member

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    I believe your exact words should be "shit, or get off the pot"

    :h5: go get 'em tiger
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd:

    I know I personally cannot just date someone without the idea of commitment for a year. I know you guys have technically been dating for 7 months but before you know it you'll have been together 1.5 years or longer and going "oh shit! where do we stand now?" and still have no clue and kick yourself because you are emotionally invested and he isn't :hs:
     
  11. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    whole thing reeks of bullshit. He has stated beyond a reasonable doubt that he doesnt particularly value you. get out and find someone that will.
     
  12. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    this.

    Someone who legitimately cares for you would more than likely come to you in a time of need, not kick you to the curb at a low point.
     
  13. notsousual

    notsousual New Member

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    I'm interested to see his response when you do have the shit or get off the pot talk with him, and hope all goes as you want it to. :hs:
     
  14. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Ummm, 100%.

    Kind of place where I am right now. I want a gf, but unless she strikes me like no other women has, then it isnt happening. But if I found someone I could get by with, with out it getting super serious, i'd be all for it.
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Exclusive fwb. Sex and affection and caring without the in love bit
     
  16. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    First off, wtf "Men and Relationship Labels"? Shit has nothing to do with gender. I've had this same fight with women I've dated. :mamoru:

    That said, his argument is complete bullshit. Ask him this- if labels don't mean anything, then why the fuck not just call you his girlfriend? It doesn't mean anything, right? It's a cop out alright and you need to call his bluff.
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    BTW, having a sort of "shit or get off the pot" talk will only make him want to date you less. IMO, you'd be better off accepting that he's full of shit and just breaking it off yourself. Bringing up again that you want to have a serious talk about where you two stand is only going to annoy him more and push him away since he doesn't have a lot invested in your relationship.

    So really what I'm trying to say is save yourself the time and just move on yourself without having another awkward talk that is not going to make him wake up in any way.
     
  18. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    :werd: You should "Run. Run and Don't Look Back." :hsugh:
     
  19. XxvODvxX

    XxvODvxX New Member

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    See i have been here before, i dated a girl for 6 years and had a really bad break up... met this chick and wanted to be with her, but just not have that "label", if you will. seriously, i was a wreck from it, binge drinking, got a street bike, dirtbike, quad, broke a couple of bones, crashed a few cars with a FTW attitude. We were exclusive for more than a year and were together constantly. Eventually it rolled over to us being bf gf... I just wasn't ready for it at that point in time. But at the same time, she new my history and knew where i was coming from. I think this guy needs to explain himself and not just blow it off. If he doesn't give you a valid reason for you to stay, you should just continue on your own path...
     
  20. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    100% a cheap cop out.
     
  21. TheChica504

    TheChica504 New Member

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    Thanks for the input guys, it's all pretty much backing up what I've been feeling and what friends have been saying.

    And FS, you're right, it doesn't have to do with gender. Both sides give each other the run around, but I do think men and women have slightly different views on labels, especially really early in relationships. Once its gone past a certain point though, it's a pretty even playing field and if someone doesn't want to put a label on the relationship, it's a good indication of lack of interest/commitment, no matter the gender.

    Soaked it all in, and going to figure it out much sooner than later. I'll keep you posted.
     
  22. coldstone

    coldstone New Member

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    You are his fuck buddy.
     
  23. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    :werd: to it being bullshit :hs:

    One of my good friends was in this position recently with a guy she had been seeing, and I think her response was something to the extent of, "Well, if it's 'just a label' to you and you think they're not important, why are you so afraid of having it just to humor me if you really do value this as an exclusive relationship and it's obviously important to me?"

    I think that approach worked better for her than the "shit or get off the pot" convo because that always feels more like an ultimatum.
     
  24. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    big time
     
  25. TuopaT2008

    TuopaT2008 New Member

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