SRS Meh, I'm ready to /myself

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Kamisama, Mar 3, 2005.

  1. Kamisama

    Kamisama Guest

    No one probably remembers my many past threads... [I'm just another social anxiety case]

    Well, I hated being a drain by living with my brother with no job, especially while he is in financial trouble. After living with him for 4 months and no job, I looked in the newspaper and found a telemarketing job, places which generally hire so easily.

    Sadly, I drunk a couple beers in order to go to the interview, and luckily I got accepted and went to training. I'm sure if I hadn't drunken anything I would of bombed that interview. Well training day, I didn't drink anything, I know depending on alcohol is a bad road to take. :hs:

    The anxiety was just killing me the whole time and making me feel like shit. Jesus, I kept wondering how I even had the bravery to go to training. :hs:

    Luckily during like some of the test sessions, I am generally a good speaker, and have an easy time flowing through paragraphs and pronouncing words, and even with the obvious nervousness, I think I did okay :dunno:

    Well we aren't really telemarketers, we ask for donations on behalf of political organizations.

    The last hour of training was real calls, and well I didn't do so well. I hate talking to people. The people that seemed shyer than me were getting donations :hs: I didn't get jack shit. Most people seem pissed when you call them, and the only nice sweet people were either old, retired, poor, on social security, etc. etc.

    Bleh and when I got home I shit my guts out from all that nervous energy. To say the least I don't think I'm gonna go to the second training day today.

    :hs:

    And well, my brother just got jury duty, and its a more serious case so he is on for a 2 month trial. As you know when you are on jury duty, your work can't fire you, but they don't have to pay for the hours you miss. So he won't be able to afford to pay for my lame ass living expenses.

    I don't want to move back with my parents. I'm not very fond of them to say the least. Plus many other things. I moved before my senior year, and basically didn't keep communications with my hometown friends. After I graduated, I basically stayed home all day and played on the computer. I definitely wasn't gonna talk to my friends ever again, I was too ashamed, what was I supposed to tell them, while they are all going to college and the military and working and moving up with their lives, I just live with my parents and stay home all day.

    Well, my brother invited me to move in with him and plus he said he could get me a job at his workplace. The part I was most excited about was that the city my brother lives in was very close to my hometown. I thought I will get that job, and be able to go see my old pals. [although I don't know how I could explain cutting off all communication.] I went into the interview and bombed it, his boss saying "I'm too shy and have no personality." Well that just killed any last strand of confidence I had left. I basically just did the same thing over again. Play on the computer all day while living with my brother. I always look for jobs on the internet but can't get the courage to go apply or whatever. I also constantly look at stuff on social anxiety, but maybe I guess I didn't try hard enough. Bleh, I also ended up going on myspace and finding a few friends and I guess they realize I'm here. But now I'm gonna end up dissappearing again.

    I can't stay here anymore. Plus my parents are about to move again, to hawaii. Which just means even way way further away from home. I don't think I can accept that. I really don't know what to do. I was thinking about leaving today and just try my luck at vagabonding. I don't think that will go to well though, I'll probably end up starving to death cause I'm probably to shy to beg for money. Plus being homeless...... well death sounds better. All I've thinking about today are ways to end it. I'm on the edge. The only reason I posted this because I have one small last strand of hope... I'm not looking for attention, but maybe something I just didn't see.
     
  2. SlickStick

    SlickStick New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2002
    Messages:
    21,858
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Orlando, FL
    Telemarketing is not easy. I did it and it can be discouraging because you have to accept the fact that you will fail 99% of the time. I did it for 6 weeks or so and out of about 120 calls a day I'd get anywhere from 0-5 appointments. Average about 2. Anyways, they probably won't fire you for poor performance for a while (it can be a hard job to master your phone personality that works) so you might as well work the job until you find something better.

    I don't understand why you you can't get the urge to apply for positions online. Many places accept email/fax resumes which doesn't require any interaction whatsoever. Send your resume to evcery job you are remotely interested it, doesn't matter if you are qualified or not. Worst case, you won't hear back.

    On the you /yourself note it seems like you are exaggerating here. Nothing seems too terrible for your life right now but I know it can be hard not to dwell on negatives. It sounds like you seriously need to be medicated. Do you have health insurance, are you already on something you haven't told us about?
     
  3. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2002
    Messages:
    19,344
    Likes Received:
    12
    Ending yourself is just pathetic and stupid. I have been suicidal in the past, imagine if I actually did it. Today I am happy every day all day, have plenty of good friends, good future ahead of me, getting a girlfriend, and am very happy I am breathing.

    Look, I have had chronic depression, 3 severe forms of anxiety and still have bad ADD. You know what? You can overcome that.

    For anxiety I am going to recommend something you probally haven't heard before. Dextromethorphan Hbr. Cough syrup. This drug is abused by many recreationally for it's dissocitive effects. It's used effectively for many cough sufferers. A lot of people do not know that it can be a miracle drug for anxiety!

    Try 120mg and see how it effects you. Scale it up or down until you achieve good results. You will be astounded, I was.

    As for your problems, listen. Human existance is suffering. Accept this as a fact, that your life will not be perfect ever. But you can make life pleasurable and very worth living if you put the effort into changing your life.

    I am constantly giving advice about anxiety and depression. Look for my posts on this forum, you will find all the awnsers you need.

    Oh, and like the above poster mentioned, you are dwelling on the negatives. Cognitive behavioral therapy changes the way you think -- negative self destructive thoughts turn into positive self enchancing thoughts.

    I go through my day and a lot of bad shit happens. First thing, I do not take it seriously. Second, I tend to think like the glass is half full. You have a job that sucks? To me, this is potential fuel to drive you to get a better one. As a result, the negative things in your life propell you towards the better things in life.

    If you blow your brains out you will not find that relief you want so badly. Many people will be hurt for the rest of their lives, but the world will go on without you. It's pretty depressing to hear about suicides, the people who couldn't cope... it's even sadder that most of them never even get a chance to work on building their coping mechanisms.
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Yeah. Seems to be telemarketing is a pretty high stress job. Low interest but high pressure to perform a mundane routine task sounds like a good way to make anyone go slightly off.

    Why not get a quiet job? How about a clerk at a bookstore?

    Most places I've seen are very quiet, you get lots of time to read and putter about, and the people who come in looking for help are usually very undemanding and courteous. It's a bookstore, after all.
     
  5. Kamisama

    Kamisama Guest

    It seems like my only option is to move back in with my parents. The only problem is, they refuse to believe I have a problem. They think I'm perfectly fine. When I lived with them they would never take me to the doctor. They just screamed at me all day to get a job. If I go back, they won't take me to a doctor, it will just be the same thing over again, and I'll just become a recluse.
     
  6. Kamisama

    Kamisama Guest


    DXM? Doesn't it cause holes in your brain? And how long would a 120mg dose last?
     
  7. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2002
    Messages:
    19,344
    Likes Received:
    12
    Heh, no it does not. I consider it a rumour since a scientist exposed rat brains to rediculously high doses to come up with that.

    How long it lasts depends on your size, metabolism, etc. For me personally it lasts longer then benzos and the effects do not dissapear after it leaves the system.

    Here's the DXM FAQ: http://dextroverse.org/faq/dxm_faq.html

    Keep in mind it's meant to address recreational use. I am suggesting that you use it just below recreational potential which is safe.
     
  8. Kamisama

    Kamisama Guest


    I guess I will try it out.

    And about the job...

    Unfortunetly, My car is broken and my bike has a flat tire, and everyone is at work, so even if I wanted to continue the telemarketing job I can't cause I have no fuckin' way to get there.

    I will try the dxm and apply at places walking distance from here.[if the dxm makes the anxiety go away]
     
  9. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2002
    Messages:
    19,344
    Likes Received:
    12
    I am going to PM you if you don't mind. I am genuinely interested in seeing how you respond to it.
     
  10. Kamisama

    Kamisama Guest

  11. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    According to your profile, you're 23. Why don't you go see the doctor yourself?

    And why not get a low-stress job like at a bookstore? It'll pay the same as the dreadful telemarketing job.

    Those are some specific things you can do, and I think you should strongly consider it. Have a doctor evaluate you. If you want to experiement with DXM, that's up to you, but I think you should see a doctor if you want to get well.
     
  12. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2004
    Messages:
    1,532
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Telemarketing can be draining on the soul. I suggest you counter-act it, and do some volunteer work. Work with kids, old folks, or the homless. Might help you gain some perspective on your life.
     
  13. Kamisama

    Kamisama Guest

    Oh I guess I must of put some bullshit stuff when making this account, I'm actually 18 years old.

    I think I'm just going to go back to my parents house and try and get them to bring me to the doctor. Otherwise I don't think I am capable of seeing a doctor myself, I don't have any kind of insurance or money to do so.
     
  14. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2001
    Messages:
    12,079
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Taylor, Michigan
    I'm a very social person and I despise doing telemarketing. I would highly suggest you look into an equally easy/fast hiring job doing something like a basic cashier.
    I know the strain of feeling as though you aren't pulling your weight financially, hang in there. :hug: continue to try your hardest.
     
  15. Tall Andrew

    Tall Andrew Guest

    you're 23, still young. Military is the best option i see for you judging by your attitude. honestly, you should consider it.
     
  16. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2004
    Messages:
    1,108
    Likes Received:
    0
    It may seem bad, but you are better off than a lot of people. There are others in worse situations that you, yet they still have a positive outlook toward life. Think about all the people (your family) that you would devastate if you did such a thing. I know it may sound corny, but having a postive attitude can go a long way. Why do you think that some people always seem to be lucky, while others don't? It has nothing to do with luck. The ones who seem lucky are the ones with positive attitudes who put themselves in situations to succeed or "get lucky." They always look on the bright side of things. The ones with sorry attitudes don't seem to want to try. If you don't try, then how can you expect good things to come your way?
     
  17. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2004
    Messages:
    25,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    dca -> nyc -> sfo -> san -> phl
    Why are your parents moving to hawaii? it's a shitty place to live, ask my cousin.

    anyways that's a different thread...

    to address the issue at hand.... I agree with Johan, get a job that's low stress but involves interaction. Telemarking WILL hire anyone (I worked for a company that had a telemarketing dept, should see who we had come through there :rofl: ) but you need a job with some social interation.

    To address the "Recreational drug use" issue, i have mixed feelings. Here's why...

    I take ativan on occasion to kill off anxiety, and by taking the DXM for that, it's essentally the same thing as taking ativan occasionally.

    Taking OTCs "recreationally" isn't a smart idea persay, but I see nothing wrong with taking prescriptions or doctor-approved remedies occasionally.
     
  18. Tall Andrew

    Tall Andrew Guest

    dude you're 18. why are you so scared to rely on your parents?! Seriously. Go home, ask for them to take you shopping or to lend you some money. Get a couple nice outfits, check out the intarweb for job listings and go apply at an office for an assistant type job. Honestly, office assistant is the best thing you can do for yourself. Also, enroll at a community college. You're simply at a point in life where you feel you haven't gotten anywhere.

    I'm only 17 (i turn 18 in about 2 weeks), but i dropped out of highschool over a year ago and i'm in my third semester at city college of san francisco. the first year i took it easy. 2 classes per semester, nothing to do in the summer (just basically played video games and fixed shit up around the house for money like a bitch). by the end of the second semester i knew something had to change, because doing nothing can kill a person.

    Now i'm taking 4 classes while also working 24 hours at a week (i just got this job 3 weeks ago, doing GREAT so far). It actually took me 4 months of applying at about 20-30 different places and nobody wanted to hire me. but i posted my resume on craigslist.com and a really nice office hit me up, now i get 10 an hour to be an office bitch. it's really a good job for someone in my position, and i think you could profit from it too. my point is, you have to work to get what you want. Don't wanna be dependent on your parents? embarassed that you're not making a name for yourself? then get out there and do it.

    A few months ago i felt like such a bum. I was totally depressed. Couldn't find work, was hardly in school, couldn't afford a nice christmas present for my girlfriend... I felt so shitty. Now, although very stressed out from this transition from lazy to busy busy busy, i feel so great. I feel like i've accomplished something (even though i'm really just beginning), and this kind of thing could be just what you need. Getting your start is the hardest part, once you find a job and adjust to school, there's no telling how far you can make it. don't bitch out.
     
  19. shankems2000

    shankems2000 If you read everybody's user text and location, yo

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2004
    Messages:
    4,095
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Where you fraid ta be at.
    Don't do it. It could be alot worse. You graduated highschool right? GO TO COLLLLLLEEEGGE. Live ON campus. You'll have no choice but to be social. What do you do to a kid that's too afraid to learn to swim? You toss his ass in the water, that's what. Something like college that makes you want to be active can only help your situation. Doing nothing all day just makes you sit around and re-cap all the bad points in your life over, and over and over again. Thus, you end up contemplating suicide.

    If you don't want to be dependent on your bro or parents you're probably gonna want to find an office job like many people have said already because any other job (that I know of) isn't going to pay you anywhere NEAR enough to get out on your own, or just pay your half of the rent.

    Don't rush death!! It comes to us all eventually whether we like it or not. Just make the most out of the time you're alive!!!
     
  20. identityless

    identityless Guest

    there are medication you can get for anxiety such as xanax..you just need to see a doctor
     
  21. Kamisama

    Kamisama Guest

    Thanks for the words guys.



    My parents are moving to Hawaii because my father is in the military. I think he had the choice to stay, but he wants to move because I guess he wants to live in hawaii plus they would be closer to the philippines and it would probably be easier to travel and visit there.

    And yeah, reminding myself about the worst situations other people are in makes me somewhat more positive. :hs:

    And I know I'm only 18, I don't know why I can't get that through my head, yeah I get depressed on the fact that I have COMPLETELY wasted this past year staying at home because my anxiety, But I know some people have been hit by anxiety much much harder than I have, and that I may have the opportunity to fix it.

    I'm still not sure. My only possibility at getting medical attention is through my parents, and they never took me in the past. My parents honestly don't think I have a problem, they think I'm being lazy. I can honestly say that when I lived with them, I didn't pound it in their head everyday or constantly try convincing them, because, everytime I asked it became more scary and more uncomfortable to ask/talk to them.

    And meh, I fucking hate days like yesterday. Days like yesterday happen occasionally, when I just feel more depressed than normal, and I'm just so close to ending it. Today I feel somewhat better :hs:

    Well my parents are leaving to hawaii in the summer. So I guess that my goal is to get my problems fixed before then, so I don't have to go to hawaii with them, and move back down here.
     
  22. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2002
    Messages:
    19,344
    Likes Received:
    12
    dude listen to me.

    not one more day can this go on without action. a teenage year is priceless in old age memories.

    seriously, get an appointment tommorow. have a serious discussion with parents.

    think of all the pussy and parties you are missing
     
  23. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2004
    Messages:
    25,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    dca -> nyc -> sfo -> san -> phl
    are you flipino? are your parents from the philipines? May make it a little easier to understand your apprehension to addressing this to your parents due to inherent cultural differences if that's the case....
     
  24. BlackHBDX

    BlackHBDX The grey fixer

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2001
    Messages:
    3,021
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado Springs, CO
    Why don't you go into the military yourself? Marine boot camp is the best confidence builder known to man.
     
  25. Kamisama

    Kamisama Guest


    I've been thinking about it a lot. Still not sure, but that route is definitely way open for me.
     

Share This Page