Hi. I desperately need to sort out some stuff in my mind. I've talked to a couple people here and there but it keeps getting harder and harder to explain whats up in person. I just got out of a big relationship for me. It was two years which in the long run isn't a whole lot. However just the same it was a big, big, BIG blow to me when he broke it off. I happened to be living at NIU and I got home after the shooting on valentines day and he basically did the whole "we need to talk" thing. By the next day I gave back the keys, we decided whoever had what was how it would stay and I haven't seen him since. I was the biggest emotional wreck you could have seen for a few weeks afterwards. The reasoning for out breakup was because he "still cared about me but needed to see other people in order to be sure anyone was 'the one'"..... Yeah... So shortly after our breakup I was home a lot, or alone, or up late... I was just doing all I could to not let everything hit me all at once. I was never the best at beating depression or whatever you might call it. It has always been hard for me to snap out of it I guess. Well I was on my myspace and I was looking through peoples blogs I didn't know thinking maybe someone would have something kind of, uplifting to say about something. I don't know I was just trying not to sit idle. Anyway I came across a blog that was almost identical to a thought I had had recently about dreams and stuff. I decided to message the person because they were on.... We talked for a long long time and it made me feel really good. One thing lead to another and I have a new boyfriend. I didn't want a new boyfriend but he is the most amazing guy ever. Maybe he just hit me at a life altering moment but this guy for the most part is like a guy I have always thought I wanted. He isn't missing any qualities. I dunno I just kind of always wished a boyfriend were more like someone else in some way shape or form and most of it was minor. Well anyway we have been dating a little over two months so of course things can change but for now thumbs up. So here is the thing I guess.. The longer I am out of my old relationship and placed in one with this new guy its been hitting me how not right my old relationship was. I believe my ex cared about me more than anything and he meant the best. However he was very controlling. He made me feel really bad about myself. I know he made me feel good also but like, it was kind of mean what he did that made me feel bad. I feel like I am making him out to be some big mean guy but I dunno. Like I said he didn't mean to make me feel bad. I think sometimes he wanted the upper hand on issues. Either way you look at it I feel like it has effected me a lot. When I am upset by something in my new relationship my brain switches off. It never did that before my last b/f and it is weird because when we would fight it would be a silent fight were each of us would just run each others words through our heads and he had this thing about saying exactly what you mean. So it was very difficult to talk to him because you just.. couldn't win... Even though it isn't about winning but to an extent you don't want to be.. I dunno.. submissive to everthing.. I dunno if that is a good term to use. I also have a lot of problems and concerns when it comes to physical issues...... But I'd rather not get into that....... And I don't mean like I was beaten or anything, I wouldn't be back if any boyfriend ever hit me. Although I tend to lack sense in knowing when someone says or does hurtful things. For some reason I am one of those, make people you care about happy, people even if it kills me a little inside. It all just.. A lot and I've been very depressed lately. I know I will get through it. When school starts back up, if I am not okay, maybe I will see someone but I don't have the insurance right now. The other day I was thinking I felt sorry for my boyfriend. I keep messing things but with a bad attitude or being really sensitive to things which he understands but it has to eat at him a little. More and more I feel like things are kind of getting messed up because of me. My boyfriend now told me he understands to an extent the stuff that is going on in my mind. He told me how much I mean to him and that being grumpy and stuff isn't going to make him like me any less. He is there for me and I know it..... Its just like, I feel like my mind wont let him in. My best friend who I barley get to see anymore was talking to me a week or so ago and I brought all of this up. I said something along the lines of maybe needing some time alone to try and retrieve my feelings and get myself together. I know in doing that I will fall apart before I get better but maybe thats what I need.. She told me that in her opinion he is a good thing for me and to end it would be dumb. She understands I need to work on myself and my feelings but that she thinks its good to have something happy in your life (him) and someone to listen if you need it. I don't know... I don't even know what I am asking so much as I guess I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy this relationship. I feel like its the best thing thats happened to me in a while and I am like, to grumpy to enjoy it because I haven't had my nap time. Then I go home and just fall apart. I don't want to ruin us, but I suppose a break up would do that. I guess I just don't want to make him unhappy with me because thats not right. I'm sorry this is like a million pages long. I can never just write a little. If you have read all of this I really appreciate it. Any insight on any of this at all would be appreciated as well.