SRS Me.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by x deaD piXeL, Dec 1, 2008.

  1. x deaD piXeL

    x deaD piXeL Turn up the fucking music!

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    :wavey:

    Hi yall! I hate posting on forums and consulting people for advice, especially OT, but I have come to the conclusion that I am TIRED of the way I live now and need to do something about it. I ask for serious responses please as I'm in the process of directing the rest of my life. I'm 20, and I NEED to go somewhere.

    Pretty much, here's the thing:

    I'm weird.

    In a lot of ways..I'm so much different than anybody. I know what you're thinking..."everybody is different" yaya I've heard that, but I'm a little EXTRA weird. I'm just not your average person. I went through a serious episode of depression over the past few months, and basically narrowed it down to a few things..

    ..I have absolutely no hobbies. SERIOUSLY. The only thing I "enjoy" is making money. When people ask me what do I do, or what do I like..I have only replied with "making money". And I don't even make that much. Fuck I'm a 20 year old making 30k a year. And most of the money I make I spend on stupid shit.

    I justify a reason to not like pretty much anything. Even shit I WOULD like I'm held back by some reason..let me name some examples:

    Dirt-biking, 4-wheeling - I don't like any type of "risky" activity. I'm pretty much scared to do anything that could put myself in danger. I have never attempted even a backflip on a trampoline! I'm like seriously the biggest pussy ever. I would LOVE to dirt bike or 4-wheel if I wasn't scared to do it. No matter how many times people tell me to just let it go and relax about shit, I CANT. I like go through a panic attack when somebody drives crazy even. My body just TOTALLY rejects anything risky!

    Guitar. Man I love music. And I love guitar. But guess what...I can't play it. Why? Because I'm not creative. My mind is the opposite of creative. I'm more of a trend-follower than a trend-setter. I've sat down and played other peoples music, but I simply CANNOT think of my own. I used to be a singer in a local band but all my lyrics were made by the guitarist. I simply am not creative! I would LOVE to play guitar or any musical instrument if I had some sort of creative mind. I also LOVE to sing. My only awards I've ever gotten are from high school choir (won several) but I'm only good at singing other peoples music. Plus I started smoking ciggs and pot and my lungs just suck now.....

    Computers..I love computers. And they aren't risky. And you don't have to be creative at all to use them. But I'm just not the "nerd" type. I am a little bit, but it's just not my thing. I know quite a bit about them though, and have fun on them all the time, but it's not specifically who I wanna be. A computer guy is just not what I want.

    Business. I want to see myself doing this. My ultimate goal is to own a business or work for a large corporation. Conference calls, decision-making, company trips..things like this all are something I'd love. But this is a hobby I can't even get to yet. It takes years of studies and experience to move up to this. I need something I can have fun with NOW.

    Gaming. Now don't get me wrong, I love gaming. But I do NOT want to be a gamer. Gamers just aren't my type of people I guess.

    Sports. I have absolutely NO hand-eye coordination whatsoever. I've tried and tried and tried and I just can't do it. I also have no sports strategy, and I'm scared of getting my ass plowed by dudes in football. I would LOVE to see myself as a sports person, but these things hold me back. And I can't fix them.

    Dancing. Now this is something I REALLY want to learn. But I'm the worst ever at dancing. My friends can just watch people dance, and figure out how to do it. I'm a VERY slow learner on pretty much everything, and I can't do that. I try and people just laugh at me because I'm the only one that cant figure it out. I'm always the last person to figure shit out like that. :p If I did some dance class or some shit I'd definitely be sloww..

    I mean seriously, I can't find anything I like to do! The things I want to do I can't for some reason, and the things I already do like computers, I don't even really like doing!

    I just have so much fucking anxiety about everything. My stoner friends all do stupid shit, and I am too moral to do things they do, and I'm also scared of cops and shit. I play sports with my sports friends. I mean fuck I'm just like stuck in the middle of a whole bunch of different groups. I'm not super involved with anything. I'll hang out with my stoner friends and smoke pot. Then when they do their shit (like raving), I'm out! Ill hang out with my sports friends but not play sports with them (cuz i suck and they don't really like it). I can't really get involved with my music friends because I'm not creative enough. My country friends like dirt biking/atv but I can't do that cuz I'm way scared!! I mean FUCK what do I do?

    I'm also weird because I don't understand alot of the common talk. During conversations I'm usually last to understand shit. And I'm not even creative enough to think of topics to talk in conversations. A lot of times, just to not look like an asshole, I will PLAN OUT TOPICS to talk about, when just hanging with friends. Because I have absolutely no creativity at all, my mind is just blank. WITH THIS SAID, I'm usually quiet when hanging with friends. I'm always the one not talking because I don't understand or I'm uninterested.

    I realized that I've literally justified a reason against EVERYTHING. WHAT THE FUCK? Who does that? Seriously. I am just now starting to understand myself.

    And GIRLS. I honestly feel like I could be the best boyfriend in the world alot. But I am the worst at getting girls. I try to be confident and talk to them, but they just ignore me a lot of times. I'm not a cocky guy, and I could never play girls. Most of the girls I hang around or like are always the girls that go for the biggest hardass guy. I just don't understand them. Like Friday night this girl I'm trying to talk to calls me all drunk tells me she wants to see me and chill and yada yada she was so cool. Convo ended great and everything. Texted her a few times within the past days and no response. Just an example.

    All I do now is work and make money and spend it on stupid shit. I'm going NOWHERE.

    I'm like, a fucking bitch! I'm so unconfident in everything. I'm seriously like the bitch. And I HATE it.

    EDIT: Added this

    I have NO personality. I'm not passionate about anything. I feel like my life is going to nowhere. Besides making money my only hobbies are LISTENING to music, chillin with friends (where i don't usually say much), smoking weed, browsing digg and ot, going to work, and driving a car. I don't like anything else! EVERYBODY has something they are passionate about. Some road they can go down. I've even gone as far as doing some weird ass shit! I used to hang around emos in early high school and wore emo clothes a bit. Then I realized how gay that was and started wearing like skater clothes. Then I realized I'm not even a skater, so I just started wearing polo shirts and jeans. I'm the only fucking person in the world who does that and I don't know why.

    The only path I COULD take is animals. I LOVE animals. I just don't know anything about them. I LOVE horses but since I live in the city I have no access to em. That's like the only possible path.

    What do I do?
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2008
  2. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    Well this is a start, you are realizing you want to change up your life. Now, you just need to follow through with pursuing it, and then doing it.

    At least you realized something from your depression. Some people never do :h5:

    Materialism is constantly pushed in society, so it's hard for people to not get caught up in it. No matter what you buy, it won't make you truly happy. You'll just want more and more, or upgrade what you already have/etc. There is nothing wrong with loving to 'make money' but try putting a certain amount in an account and just leave it untouched instead of blowing it all.

    This can relate to depression. Negativity runs hand in hand. Have you ever tried going to a psychologist to talk about your problems and/or a psychiatrist to go on some trial medication to see if it helps you? They can really help. Therapy + Medication is the most successful, but therapy alone can be great. They can set goals/tasks for you to reach and each session you can see how you are coming along. It lets you recognize progress which can give you a good self esteem boost.

    I am the same way. I've never broken a bone and have never really experienced physical pain and I want to keep it that way :rofl: As for the 'panic attack' feeling - some people just aren't risk takers. Don't let it make you feel like you are a pussy and your friends are manly or whatever. They were just born/brought up to not have certain fears, and you weren't. Simple as that, everyone is different and has different likes/dislikes and comfort zones.

    Creativity comes from within. What you might see as creative, others may think it's garbage. Let yourself define your creativity, don't base it off of others or worry about what other people would think. It's your music that you made, regardless if people think it's crap or not - hell, no one would even hear it if you decided not to share it. Playing other's music at least keeps you playing. It's still fun to jam out and work on/keep up with your guitar skills. I had the same problem in a few bands. I'm a great singer but when it came to writing lyrics I just hit a brick wall :rofl: but :dunno: it just showed me that when it comes to writing lyrics and putting it to music I just don't have that talent. I can write very well and whatnot, but structured lyrics I guess just weren't my thing. There's nothing wrong with only singing others music. I just bang it out at my home or in the car. It keeps your vocal chords at least in decent shape and it still makes you feel good. Ever sing some Usher at karyokee or something? You'll enjoy the attention you'll get :p Try to cut out at least the cigs. I know it's hard, but it's more of kicking the 'habit' - not the chemical addiction itself. Relying on pot/cigs is a stress reliever, but that can definitely stem from depression. Pot can make you worse in regards to anxiety/paranoia as well.

    Again, I'm the same way. I'm good with PC's and can type like a bat out of hell, but I just couldn't do that for my life/job - at least you ruled that one completely out.

    Good things take time. This 'I need it now' attitude goes hand in hand with your admitted spending your money on a bunch of pointless crap. It's impulsive, and usually when you do things on an impulse the end result is only satisfying for a short period. Work at it - get in school if know you want that and take some feeler classes to see how you do with it. If you love it - dive in. If you decide you don't - take other classes that perk your interest.

    Another one ruled out.

    Be a sports fan instead. Only very few people can go anywhere in sports. Playing with your buddies can be fun though, regardless if you suck or not - it's relaxing to go outside on a nice day and throw a football around (you don't have to play full out brutal contact football) or swing at some balls with a basebat - some exercise as well - which is a very positive thing in overcoming depression - might also want to make you kick the cigarette habit. Once you start exercising and seeing results (can take awhile) usually you'll want to continue. It's a great way to relieve stress and focus on yourself.

    Try em out if you really want to, they'll give you tips that you don't know, and they'll go at your own pace I'm sure. No reason to be embarassed. Dancing, again, is all a personal form. All because you aren't spinning on your head or doing the lastest jump around rap dance move doesn't mean you aren't dancing.

    You have a lot of interests - you just need to pick one and pursue it. If you find you really don't like it, drop it, and move on to exploring the next.

    Again, pot can lead to anxiety issues - so you may want to knock it off/cut down on it. Your friends should be able to just accept that you aren't as good as them at certain things. That's pretty crappy if they just rule you out of everything because you aren't 'highly skilled' or whatever. Sometimes finding yourself is simply just that - finding yourself. Not finding what your friends deem is yourself.
    All I can say to this is look in to meeting with a therapist. You can say whatever you want, and they'll work with you at your pace on a personal level. It can help you out immensely.
    You are starting to understand and are bothered by it - that's good. Now you just need to make some sort of game plan and go after it. Again, a therapist can steer you in the right direction. Negativity/Anger/Irritability/Depression are all things that can run right along with eachother. Helping one can help them all in a lot of cases.
    Find different girls to talk to. It sounds like you hang out with the typical girl who is looking for the 'hot guy' that treats her like shit and whatnot. That's mainly due to immaturity and going along with her friends/peer pressure and also can be influenced by society. There are many great women out there - sometimes you have to change up who you hang out with/where you go to find them.

    Again, I'd recommend seeing a therapist and letting this out to them.
    Sounds like you were just trying to find your personal style and likes/dislikes. There's nothing wrong with that. Highschool is a big time for that. You have a personality. It just sounds like you are in a cloud/haze. That is a big sign of depression, and it's bothered you to this point so it must have been lasting for awhile at least. I'd recommend getting a diagnosis and then discussing your options.

    Again, you are trying to find yourself, and you are looking for immediate change. You're going to have to take some deep breaths and realize that change that you actually WANT is going to take time and devotion/work towards it. Find a starting point and take steps from there one at a time. A therapist will greatly help you in your journey in regards to getting yourself on track.
     
  3. EYOB

    EYOB Guest

    This may not make sense at all, but life is confusing. One of the best methods in dealing with the confusion of life itself, is focusing your attention on something 'less' confusing but pleasant at that (music = confusion + pleasantry?). If those small eternal tasks of confusion aren't for you, perhaps you could 'waste' your time on the big picture we call life. Explore philosophy.

    IMO, there isn't a dedicated goal or task we all have. It's what you make of it. The ending is the same for all of us, so don't fret. Invest in your future or enjoy yourself....

    Wait, could you give me your question once more in a concise manner this time ??
     
  4. j828

    j828 New Member

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    Why do you turn down every possibility at having fun? Quit saying no, starting say yes.
     
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    IMO... the biggest issue you have isn't your lack of natural ability to do the things you want to do-such as sports, dirt biking, being a good conversationalist, flirting and attracting girls, etc. Your biggest issue is how easily you give up on yourself.

    So you aren't very athletic... so why give up? Most of us aren't going to make anything out of ourselves in athletics so the point of doing them is for fun. Like another poster said, just go throw the football around, hit the batting cages, do something that you enjoy for the sake of doing it. Don't give up just because you aren't Dan Marino or Albert Pujols.

    Besides, no matter how terrible you are at anything, you WILL improve with practice if you practice with the intentions of improving. This goes with sports, with dancing, with conversation, with attracting women, etc. If you give up on yourself just because you aren't controlling the conversation of a group of people your first few attempts then you will not improve. If you walk off the field after missing a catch then how can you expect to improve? If you assume that you cannot understand the dynamics of attracting women and as such you don't seek to learn it then how can you improve?

    I think your biggest problem is how hard you are on yourself and how easily you give up on you. In fact, this weak self confidence and low self image is part of what is hindering you in all things, including attracting women. If you really feel this low about yourself then women will pick up on these signals and also feel that way about you. If you see yourself as less then they will see you as less. No woman is going to want to date you out of pity.

    I suggest perhaps seeking professional counseling. That would be a good start if you cannot kickstart this yourself. Also, if you search these forums I have a Dating Guide posted that goes over the "rules" of dating. Well, they are not really rules, but it goes over how the normal dating situations progress and what to expect from dating. It will help you understand the whole dating dynamic and with that knowledge you can increase your effectiveness. Do a search for threads posted by me.
     
  6. x deaD piXeL

    x deaD piXeL Turn up the fucking music!

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    Hi yall! Thanks for the excellent replies.

    I posted before about depression and never ended up seeking help for it. I don't have insurance (I sell a health care program that isn't insurance, so they provide it for free, but it SUCKS) I don't really know how to fund this kind of thing with my budget.

    I'd LOVE to get therapy, if you can assist me in affording it :)

    I don't think I'm hard on myself or try hard. But maybe that's where I'm wrong.

    Cuz I've TRIED playing sports alot, but I'm always the worst. I am very slow at learning and couldn't really see myself get any better.

    I've also tried playing guitar. I can't even really come up with anything good.

    Basically some people look down upon me, and most girls look down upon me. I HATE that. Sometimes I pretend to be a lil cocky just to try to get girls. It's alot easier, but still near impossible :p

    But I want to have a future for myself. I want to be somebody. I just don't know where to start.

    I don't have a thing. I don't do my own thing. I just usually do whatever my friends are doing. Instead of being highly involved with a specific thing, I'm shitty at a whole bunch of things.

    Start with counseling you say? How can I afford it? I used to sell pot but stopped cuz I'm scared for legal reasons. I have like $300 a month extra money, that's it. And my family is poor.
     
  7. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    You're thinking too far ahead and are cluttering your head with 10,000 ideas. Focus on something and just go with it. You'll at least be proud that you stuck to something to truly figure out if you liked it or not, then move onto the next if it wasn't what you truly enjoyed.

    You have a very futile mindset to everything, and it's very hard changing out of that without changing your perception of life. That's why I recommend counseling. They provide you free health coverage? Look into what they'll do for counseling. It isn't preventative (which a lot of insurance companies don't like) seeing as you have a real genuine problem you need help with. Otherwise, look into bluecross/blueshield or the like and weigh out the pros and cons.

    How old are you? Are you in school? Can you still be on your parents insurance? full time students have insurance through their parents until they are 24 if they claim you as a dependent.
     
  8. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Can you buy the insurance that will cover it? You mentioned 30k a year at a very young age. For your age group that's pretty good. I am sure you can afford a higher level of insurance that will assist you in paying this.

    As far as girls go, attracting them is a lot more involved (but not quite as hard) as many think. Most people will tell you "All you need is confidence" but that's not true. I heard it put this way once: "Would you rather have the confidence to ride a motorcycle in the snow or would you rather have the competence?" You can have all of the confidence in the world but if you have no idea what you are doing how can you expect much success?

    You need to learn about attraction and how it works. It isn't as simply explained as "be cocky". There is much more to it. I suggest you buy the book called, "The Game" to get an idea.
     
  9. x deaD piXeL

    x deaD piXeL Turn up the fucking music!

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    They provide free health coverage that SUCKS. It wouldn't help me at all :p

    I'd have to buy an insurance plan. But I'm not sure if it would even cover those things, how much it'd cover, or if there would be waiting periods. And I don't think I can afford health insurance.

    I can't be on my parents insurance. I'm not in school.

    I feel like I'm competent enough to UNDERSTAND how things work, but I have AMAZINGLYFUCKINGHUGE social anxiety. Thus, I can't put it into action. I see how guys pull girls all the time and when I try to do the same thing, I just can't think of things to say! Seriously, sometimes I'll like write down topics in advance or memorize what I'm going to discuss. Most of the time I'm talking to somebody, even my closest friends, I have to think SO hard on what to talk about. Otherwise I'm the bum friend who is always quiet. But I'm quiet not because I want to be, just because I can't think of things. Alot of times I'll just sit there thinking of something to say, and most of the time I say stupid shit. Like, I'll say something and then immediately I'm like "WTF DID I SAY THAT FOR". No matter how hard I try!! I honestly feel like I lack the natural ability to communicate.
     
  10. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I have some similar problems to you in that I can never fully fit into a crowd because I don't stay in one place and I can't get into it as much as they do. It seems like I'm never on the same page as anyone. Sometimes they get into it way more than I do and other times I simply outgrow it or get bored.
     
  11. cascade85

    cascade85 New Member

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    Stop trying to put yourself in a category. If I understand correctly you play guitar but can't write your own music? Big deal that's why they have profesional song writers that do that for people who can't write their own stuff. You need to start enjoying things even if you suck because nobody is a profesional anything overnight, it takes practice. Your way too hard on your self and give up too easily. What you need to do is quit smoking pot so you can get your singing voice back and think about enrolling in school. Go to a community college and just take some basic classes while you figure out what you want to major in. You mentioned your family being poor so that should put you in a certain bracket for free aide to pay for all or some of your classes and books. You mentioned a love for animals and an interest in business so you can start looking at degree plans for those subjects at a university near you.
     

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