SRS Me and my problems.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cold, Mar 21, 2005.

  1. Cold

    Cold OT Supporter

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    Whats to say about me.
    I feel lonely all the time, because i distance myself from the people around me.
    I have a few good friends, some of them are really fake.
    I have some who try to be friends with me, but i can see it in their eyes.
    They dont really want to be friends with me, its just because they're attatched to the same crowd.
    My oldest friend, the one i have known for the longest.
    Kind of stubbed me the other day, when he didnt introduce me to his new girlfriend.
    Its not a big thing, but for some reason it kind of offended me.
    I mean we've known each other for our entire lives, and this girl who is central to his life.
    He doesent want me to meet?
    I keep telling myself that he probably just forgot it on the fly.
    But then my nagging little mind tells me its more than that, and i honestly dont know anymore.

    My love life is wasted to talk about, its just pathetic.
    I like to see myself as a nice person, and i keep getting told i am a nice person.
    But then i just go and get mindfucked by myself again, and convince myself i have lots of negative qualities.
    I started working out a while ago, and it lifted my spirits a little.
    Now i havent worked out in a week, due to being at home and having no gym to go to.
    Then i realized that i had started using the workout as a crutch, something to lean on.
    Its great to do that, i do forget my troubles when im at the gym lifting, running.
    But i know i need to fix the problems in my life, rather than put them aside for the moment.
    I always dreamed that gettting a girlfriend would fix my problems, but i would probably just shove my problems onto her.
    She would be hit dead on, by all the issues i have with myself.
    Then i imagine she would either try to help me, and hurt herself in the process.
    Or she would just leave me, which would be for the better.
    I would then be alone again, and now also have the added weight of missing her.

    As you can probably see from what i've written already, the reason for my problems is i think way to far.
    When i should be at tomorrow, im at the next millenium.
    I look way to far into the future, so i forget whats happening today.
    Thus i get this out of touch feeling, and i think people are starting to notice it.
    Actually, most of my friends probably wouldnt notice it.
    Because i think they honestly dont care, some of them do care.
    But i dont know who i can go to, cause i lack trust in each and every one of them.
    I always try to slip it into conversations, carefully to see if they react in a positive manner or not.
    This hidden manipulation of mine, is also the reason for my lack of trust.
    When it seems to work, my faith in them lessens a little.
    Because it proves they are easy to get to, and i think that if they're that easy to get to by me.
    Think about how easy it is for other people to get to them as well.

    This is my great fear, that someone would betray me.
    Spill my thoughts and feelings to all the world, then i would be left alone with nothing.
    On the other hand, i keep doing it because i'm curious as to what would happen if it did infact happen.
    Who knows?

    My main issues is my fears.
    Those are what keep me from doing most things.
    My insecurity stops my progress with women.
    I just hide it behind an awkward shyness.
    I think its to easy to see through.
    But obviously someone has never seen through it.

    Oh, what should i do? :sadwavey:
    (I do apologize for the lingo, english is not my main language)
    (I also apologize for the random, jumping forward and back style of writing)
     
  2. Cold

    Cold OT Supporter

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    Some "poetry" i wrote, that i felt like sharing.

    Unheard of destination.
    Unfeared confrontation.
    Lovely desolation.
    Come right to my station.
    Feel the tension.
    Time to mention.
    What i see.
    What i know.
    What i fear.
    What i love.

    Hide away.
    Run away.
    Come this way.
    Dont be afraid.
    I wont bite.
    I wont fight.
    I will bow down.
    I feel so alone.
    Cant hide it no more.
    The truth is real.
    This is what i feel.

    -----------------------------

    Its all to real.
    Nothing i feel.
    Hard to digest.
    The thoughts i posess.
    Lonely beyond.
    I see the pond.
    Hardened by sorrow.
    There is no tomorrow.
    Free from the chains.
    All the while it rains.
    Choked up on my words.
    Hard to tell it hurts.
    Cant you see it now.
    Why cant you begin to sow.
    Stitch my feelings.
    Feels like im leaving.
    Left me back there alone.
    Just like a forgotten bone.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    One word ' DOWN TO EARTH '


    What if what if what if what if. Start looking to how things are instead of what they 'could have been' or what ' they should have been ' .

    You aren't being realistic. Not to yourself nor to the outside world , Life is for the living ,honestly do you know even 1 hermit who's life was significant? And even if you knew, it would only be because he left his cave and had something to tell to the world.

    Honestly Go outside , save yourself DO SOMETHING!.

    Your life will pass away anyway wether you do something or do nothing in it , and when you look back on your life , and see yourself hiding from the big nasty outside world , you can only say to yourself ' i never had a life '. Which comes to the next step.

    Life is what you make it celebrate it. I encourage you to go out and get yourself a gf.
    you see for you its only a win win situation. If you ask a girl and she says no, then you can move on with your life ,and got yourself dating experience, if another girl you ask says no, you can move on again with even more experience, and at a certain point you will know how to act and how to talk due to your previous experience. And then when you ask a girl, she will say yes and be your gf.

    No one starts out with a backup of dating experience, you should leave the cave behind you, work during weekdays and party during weekends. Enjoy but drink with measure.
     
  4. Cold

    Cold OT Supporter

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    I know its what i need to do, i just need a push in the right direction.
    I also know im the only one who can give myself that push.
    Thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it.
    The "one word" statement, was what caught my attention.
    Its true, i've been living inside my mind for most my life.

    I need to get back to my body, and start interacting with people.
    Its honestly the only thing that will help, right?
    (I know it might sound sarcastic, but im sincere)
     
  5. AO

    AO New Member

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    I feel lonely all the time, because I distance myself from the people around me.

    Why are you playing games? People are your mirror. You choose your friends, so choose wisely. Friends don't pay the rent.

    some of them are really fake.

    Then make them "real". Stand up to them. Put them on the spot. Assert yourself - create your own individuality.

    I can see it in their eyes.

    They can probably see it in yours. You are playing a game with yourself - trying to find out who you are.


    They dont really want to be friends with me.

    They may if you gave them a chance and if you were real and if you were not playing a game of being sensitive.

    My oldest friend didnt introduce me to his new girlfriend.

    He knows that you want a girlfriend. He wants to make sure that you do not get close to her. He does not trust you. No man trusts another when it comes to a woman, not even his brother. I know.

    I keep getting told I am a nice person.

    You probably are. Stop being nice and be real, instead. People will then treat you as an equal. You are nice so that people will like you. What you don't understand is that people will like you even more when you are real - they will like you regardless.

    But then i just go and get mindfucked by myself again, and convince myself i have lots of negative qualities.

    Now that you know that it is your thinking that is causing the problem - change the way you think. When a negative thought comes up - tell it to go fuck itself.

    I talk to myself this way all the time. I know how the thought process works - I see something and my mind associates a hurt and a negative thought comes up.

    Now that I've recognised the thought trigger I can decide to think something good which will bring up a good association. So create good associations by doing something creative - like hiking, bringing up memories of laughing, remembering what made you happy, good foods, good smells, good hearings, good seeings.

    Learn to control your mind. Learn to re-program your thought process.


    I realized that i had started using the workout as a crutch, something to lean on.

    No it wasn't. It was what you needed - exercise will tire the mind. But you had expectations and felt that the result was not fast enough in coming. So you rationalised it away in a fit of depression.

    She would just leave me, which would be for the better.

    This is a self destructive thought. It's a rationalisation. This is your crutch. You want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think that your birth was an accident, that you have no right to live happily. It is a sign of a disturbed mind. Since you think that the mind resides in the brain, then you have to feed the brain the right types of foods, you have to detox the brain.

    Start listening to your brain and body. I find that too many sardines and chocloate cause my mind to get muddy. I am not drinking enough water to cleanse the blood to the brain. I am eating too many fatty foods.

    So I switched to fruits and vegetables. I drink more water. I exercise more. I breathe more fresh aire. I really take big breaths - so that my stomach really fills up. I am in touch with my hara. I do not masterbate. My life is now different.


    This hidden manipulation of mine, is also the reason for my lack of trust. When it seems to work, my faith in them lessens a little.

    It's that game you're playing again... Give it up. You are looking fro someone who sees through your games. Grow up. You are tempting God, looking for Him to prove His existence. Inside you know that when you fall in Love you will know God. So you are scared of falling in Love. This is your fear - that someone will see the game you're playing.

    This is my great fear, that someone would betray me.

    No, your fear is being hurt. And if no one hurts you, you will hurt yourself. You seek pain because you know that it will be a catharsis, that tears will release your emotions, that your soul will release stress through tears.

    My main issues is my fears.

    You feel that you need a reason to live. The reason you seek is Love. But to find Love you will have to Love yourself first.

    Be good to yourself. Know that existance has NOT made a mistake. Nature wants you to be happy. Know this by becoming it. Exercise more, eat right, get plenty of sleep, don't do drugs, don't do alcohol, laugh more... lots more.


    My insecurity stops my progress with women.

    Your insecurity is in your mind. You are afraid of being hurt. You are afraid that you will hurt others. You will hurt others, not because of your inexperience, but because you are playing a game with yourself and so want others to hurt you to justify your image of yourself.

    No one will hurt you. You can only hurt yourself. You hurt yourself because you do not smile. When you do smile it feels forced, you feel fake. Your mind doesn't know what it means to be happy - so it rebels. Well, fuck your mind then. Teach it that you are the Master - not it. Make your mind your bitch. It plays these emotional games by
    making you think thoughts which emotes a response. Don't let it. If you feel horney - don't masterbate. Your ass has an itch. Don't scratch it. Soon the itch will move to another part of your body - ignore it.

    You're hungry? Then eat. but don't eat when the mind tells you to eat, eat when your stomach, your body tells you to eat.

    That is why you went into exercise - because you were making yourself your own Master, not the mind. You were claiming your birthright. And the mind played a game on you and you lost your nerve. Stop listening to the mind. Go out there and ski, hike, walk, run, dig, roll, fly, dance.


    I just hide it behind an awkward shyness.

    Your shyness is a crutch. You think it is "inexperience". So you play games with people, you see what reaction you can get. You want to see how far you can get before you illicit a reaction. That is when you get hurt. That is your "evidence" - and when you get hurt you feel that you've grown. But you haven't. You've moved on to another ploy to try to understand yourself. You are looking for yourself. Being empty you seek others to fill you. Fill yourself. When you are so full of Love and Happiness others will be drawn to you - because you will give off energy which makes them feel alive and not energy which drains them.

    I think its too easy to see through.

    You see it in yourself and you don't want to do anything about it. Why? Because you're afraid of Love just as you're afraid of death. Don't entertain thoughts of death. Drive them away with Loving thoughts. Learn to look at your mind without listening to it. See what silent pictures it is calling up within the mind. See yourself as an editor or a re-decorator. A bad thought (picture) comes up? See yourself taking it off the wall, replacing it with a good picture, then taking the ugly picture to the trash bin or buring it in a bon fire. Oh, the mind will try to sneak back into the house and swap the picture back - don't let it. See it for the thief it is - it is trying to steal your Life, your Happiness, your Love. Don't let the thief in.

    Practice Tai Chi - those hand movements are you defelecting the mind's bad thoughts - they are like fists coming towards you to hurt you. Don't block them, don't let them get to you - just push them gently out of the way.

    But obviously someone has never seen through it.

    I see through it because I used to play the same game.

    You are me.

    And I am no different than anyone else.

    Know this. Love Life, Laugh.

    http://www.baumstarke-gesundheit.de/inhalt.htm
    http://www.taichifinder.co.uk/local/Overseas/Norway/
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2005
  6. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Yes, interact with people more. The more you do the more you'll realize that they don't have any hidden agendas. If you get screwed over, so what? Seriously, what's the worse that can happen? Nude pics of you on the internet? :mamoru:
     
  7. Cold

    Cold OT Supporter

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    Where did you see those? Who told you about those? :o
    I know, and i thank the "happy" asylum for the help it has given.
    Im en route to changing my life, and im already happier. :)
     

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