SRS Marriage Problems v.2 - Is this the end?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Alter Egoist, Nov 17, 2005.

  1. Alter Egoist

    Alter Egoist New Member

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    For reference, my first thread -
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=2124691

    Cliffs on thread - woman caught me looking at another woman, then finds porn same night, hilarity ensues, she threatens divorce. You might have to read my thread before hand to understand some of the backstory here.

    Well she got mad again over the weekend...I woke up at 8am on sat... gave dog her medicine and played some WoW while she's asleep. She wakes up an hour later and gets mad, asking me why in the fuck do i get up so early.
    Of course i say, I'm used to it (working a regular 8:30 to 5:30).

    She then says that I play warcraft in the morning so I won't have to spend time with her and go to sleep early and she says she don't trust me, so she actually CHECKS to see if i'm playing she says to make sure that i'm not in a chatroom chatting with "other bitches".

    Ok, well I uninstall warcraft to avoid this clusterfuck, and I start cleaning. So she goes back to sleep...and when she wakes up, I'm up and about, cleaning still. She says "ooooooooooooo so you're finally cleaning!" I told her to STFU and "don't talk to me". So i go about my business, then she checks the mail. The new FHM comes in, she tears up the magazine, bascially removing all the girls in it. As soon as i saw it happen, I went off.

    I told her this shit has to stop, she's acting like a fucking child. I also told her that she needs to stop acting like this, or this marriage is NOT gonna work, screaming at the top of my lungs. Well, she STFU'ed and wound up going out.

    So we don't talk at all on Saturday, after what happened earlier and i slept in a separate bed, as I didn't want to deal with anything. Well sun. comes around and I wind up cooking for her (as I don't want to be a hardass). I told her that i don't wanna argue, but what I said I meant. So we're cool,
    until that night when she asked me why I subscribed to those mags(Maxim, FHM) I said they were free (which they were, I found them on Hot Deals on OT) then she says that it's bit too much of a coincidence that I get the mags, i get caught, and found porn at all the same time (or close). Which I agree with, actually - hard to fault THAT logic.

    And i tell her that I'm not cheating or anything like that, then the argument escalates further simply because I tell her you should trust me. Basically she says this "Only reason why I'm with you right now is because I'll be in a financial shithole if I divorce you now."

    Of course, that hurt.

    I told her AGAIN that she's taking things way overboard, she's not hearing any of it.

    On Oct. 1 vs the cubs, that's the day i got caught looking at the chick.
    Well, she didn't want me to go to that game EVEN though she told me to find someone else to go with me. I rofl'ed at that one, saying if she thought that, she should have said it, right? I called her extremely selfish. She then said she never wanted me to go to the WS game saying "That's an experience that I wanted to share too. But if I couldn't go, you shouldn't either." I wonder if we went to a bar instead; what would the reaction be?

    Well... I then asked her "are you trying to control me?" She goes "no, but you're so stupid, I have to set boundaries for you". Boundaries which include video games, sports, etc.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2005
  2. RedDawg

    RedDawg Well-Known Member

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    sounds like she's trying to control every aspect of your life. Men like porn, we read Maxim and stuff, we look at other women, it in our nature. Women look at other men too. It sounds like she is just looking for things to fight with you about. I'd get some counseling ASAP if you want to try and improve things.
     
  3. Alter Egoist

    Alter Egoist New Member

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    A contuation here.

    She then said "You better shape up before Feburary, or I will divorce your ass." I really couldn't say anything else.

    Now it's Thursday, I let several days pass. I feel like the relationship has just died. I do want to work things out, but she has to change her feelings. She has to stop being insecure (in which I did ask her, according to some of you guys' suggestions - she was I wasn't insecure before I got caught), she has to stop being controlling, and she has to trust me. But I don't see her doing this. Even if I were to "agree" to her terms, it would not make ME a happy person. I feel like a prisoner when she's around, watching my every move. Which makes me want to do NOTHING. I feel like she'll say something if I look at women on the beach as a commercial when I'm watching TV.

    This is not the person I married. The trust is totally gone from her. I feel she's off the deep end. I didn't see all this before we got married. I'm not happy anymore.

    I did go ask some RL friends to see if I was off MY rocker - they've told me I've done nothing wrong here. They did say something interesting though... "If she's accusing you of all this, then she MIGHT be doing something herself" (as she's gone over 55% of the time as it is). I never thought of that.. and it's depressing to hear.

    So I'm here at the Asylum, waiting to see what you guys think of all this. At this very moment, I'm contemplating filing for divorce before the end of the year. I'd like to know what your opinions are.
     
  4. SolShinobi

    SolShinobi New Member

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    I agree with your friends. She is really wiggin out like she's guilt trippin from something she is done and psychologically, it is showing with you as you are her partner in life.

    I have not been married but basically "virutally married" as i did everything but the paperwork. Yeah i put in the time too. 5.5 yrs. I'll only say this. She wants your balls man...one word at a time. She is mentally picking you apart with stress.

    When a woman constantly stress you like that and tries to control every aspect of your life as she is doing will only tear you guys apart more. Just from my experiences alone...i would welcome the divorce. If you go that route....make sure you have a good lawyer.

    But as i see it...she is trying to remove your balls, by method of one word at at time. Snippity snip snip.

    Sorry to hear you are goin through so much crap but if you do conform and give away the balls, i promise you she'll have an affair within that same year or want to leave you anyway.

    Remember...a real relationship should be talking and working things out. If the maturity isn't there...it shows. That means if no compromise and talking things out = not ready for something as serious as marriage. Are you seeing what i'm getting at?
     
  5. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    She may be doing something but then again she might just be neurotic. It is unfair of her to put such restrictions on you - you should be able to do what you enjoy, within reason of course. The presence of girlie mags might make a girl who's already insecure feel even worse, and if you play games a lot, she might feel neglected. That compounded with the fact that you chose to go to the baseball game instead of work on your marriage issues... yeah, I can see why she might not trust you. However, that is no excuse for her behaviour.

    Sounds to me like you might not have given her enough attention when she needed it, and in turn she sounds like she's pretty needy and insecure. You need to communicate and level with each other. Try counselling first, to see if there is anything left to salvage in your relationship.
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Ask her if she's willing to go with you to marriage counselling.
    You two need to start behaving civilly toward each other, and it's going to take a strong and talented therapist to fix the damage already done.

    I give it 2:1 that she won't want to go. She appears to think and act like its all your fault, and she's dissatisfied with her choice of marriage partner. It's not hard to figure this out when she's said this directly to your face.

    I further give it a 5:1 that she will end up leaving you within a few months.

    Still, your next step is marriage counselling. Please go. You have a lot of work to do.
    If she won't go with you, you should go yourself. You will learn a lot of about what goes into a successful marriage. What is required of you (you're not really doing your part) and what's required of her.

    Sorry to say, but I think it's quite likely this marriage is over and done.
    Prove me wrong. Start with counselling.
     
  7. Alter Egoist

    Alter Egoist New Member

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    I'm going to restate that she's gone out of town over 55% of the time, because it's pretty important to remember.

    The WS (World Series) game, she was not in town for. As for the Oct. 1st game, she specifically TOLD me to go. She shouldn't be beating around the bush. She should have told me straight out.

    She refuses counseling after I've mentioned it to her. As for myself? I'd go. But I feel like I'm putting everything I can into a successful marriage. She's making unreasonable demands, and looks to pick fights. It's almost like the roles are reversed... she's the one that's outta town a lot, and I'm the one left behind, keeping house and being faithful.

    Funny, this marriage won't even last a fucking year.
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    The unreasonable demands and picking fights are totally normal behaviour for someone who is really looking to get out of a relationship.

    I really think YOU should start the process of learning and healing by going to counselling by yourself. GO.

    There's a 1% chance that you could stay together. I say this not to disappoint you, in that 1% is low, but it ain't 0%.

    That 1% chance lies in the fact that if you head off to therapy and come out a changed person, there's a chance she might take note and reassess her decision to leave you (and YES, she has made that decision, she just hasn't pulled the trigger yet).

    Please go. Take charge of your own well-being. You're clearly pissed off (with good reason) and very unhappy (also with good reason). Get treatment.


    PS I know you say you're putting in all the effort you can. I'm sure you are. I'm not questioning your heart or effort. But consider it might not be how HARD you try, but more a case of WHAT you choose to do.

    But regardless you're clearly pissed, and you're also going to be in a world of hurt soon since you clearly cared about this relationship, and the loss of that won't be easy. So if only for that alone, go to counselling.
     
  9. pashy

    pashy New Member

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    i just read your last post about this....

    i too have had heaps of probs with my marriage. i am actually separated but still reside with my husband and step-son for financial reasons (he has bipolar and drug addiction also, keeping him here means i can look after my stepson easier).

    for a long time, i was the main bread winner in the household. i found that i was really resentful of having to be away from home a lot and working my ass off, whilst he pretty much got to cruise along and do all the things i'd wished we could do together. i felt i was missing out on the fun things in the relationship...but just being the workhorse. i was resentful of that.

    the whole female/male aspects of our relationship became really screwy. i started acting like a guy who gets home late every night to find the house a mess and the kids running amok, whilst he played the traditional female role of seeking me out emotionally more and more whilst i had to shut off and recharge from the daily work stresses.

    it fucked us up bigtime!! we went to therapy, of which he then bailed out of early.

    i felt i was getting the raw deal so in return i cut him off emotionally, he in turn started looking elsewhere and did eventually cheat on me. that sealed our fate and it was over pretty much from that time onwards, even though we kept up appearances for a short while of being together.

    i think you need to take some sorta control. not by being a total twat, but enforcing to her how you feel about HER, as a woman, as a desirable woman. perhaps she feels like all she is, is a financial means. you then looking at a magazine pic of some chick is going to cause a magnified sense of annoyance to her. if you going out to baseball games is annoying her, give them a miss or take her with you. if she's important to you, missing a baseball game with a mate wont be a big problem. if it is, perhaps she's not that important after all?

    it's not backing down and being a pussy if you do that, sometimes someone in the partnership needs to just say enough is enough. i cant control what YOU do, but i can control what I do. so YOU makes changes, maybe she will in a bit of time, start meeting you half way, when she feels trusting of you again.

    ps. i am not laying blame on you, but you want to improve things so i can only suggest you make some changes.
     
  10. bandwagon

    bandwagon Copy/Paste

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    Dude you should go pick up 'The Way of the Superior Man' by David Deida. It covers how to handle women like this. Amazing read.
     
  11. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    FILE FOR A DIVORCE. Nobody should EVER have to live with the hurtful things she has said to you. Boundaries?! What the FUCK? The odds of her cheating are very high. My ex cheated on me and constantly accused me of doing the same. Only, I could prove what I was doing, and he couldn't. You are torturing yourself by staying with this child (I can't bring myself to call her a woman, as that would be an insult to myself). Go ahead and put her in financial ruin, she's putting you mental health hell, I think it's only justified. Do what you have to do... and now before it's too late.
     
  12. DaninTexas

    DaninTexas OT Supporter

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    I would ask her once to go to counseling. If she throws a shit fit I would turn out the door and make a call to a lawyer and start getting a divorce. Just don't let her do it first. She will take you to the cleaners
     
  13. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I'd divorce her now. This is totally out of hand and she is a controlling lunatic.
     
  14. CastorTroy

    CastorTroy New Member

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    Threatening divorce, accusations, irrational behavior, no trust, sounds like this is pretty far gone relationship wise. Something is seriously wrong with her. I can understand being angry for looking at another woman, or finding some porn, or whatnot, but the way she's dealing with it is totally irrational, especially for her age.

    Reading your other thread as well, it looks like she's got some major insecurity issues, maybe cheated on a lot in the past or whatever, and she's taking it all out on you. Being pissed for you going to a baseball game or two, what the fuck. I wouldn't even put up with that shit when I was 18, let alone now at 25.

    Sorry man, you either need some serious marriage counseling together, or give it up. The path you two are taking now will only lead to more destruction and resentment towards each other in the future unless you can resolve this now.
     

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