SRS Marriage problems, don't know what to do

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by kenlee, Sep 26, 2006.

  1. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    My head is going 100 miles an hour and I need to get some of this stuff out so here goes. I've been married for 3 years and have a 3 year old daughter. My wife has decided she is going to become a nurse. She has been in school now for 2 years. This leaves very little time for me and our daughter. She gets home from work and just hangs out. On Saturdays she goes out with the girls from her work to a club. She has been distant to me now for about 4 months. I can't remmember the last time she touched me or said "I love you" without me prompting her to say it after I do. Over the last 2 months I've picked up more duties around the house,(she practically does nothing anymore) I've complemented her more, and purchased/suprised her with things. She has been unresponsive to these things.
    One night after I made dinner for her we talked and she basically said she no longer has feelings for me and she was no longer in love with me. She said she realized this about 4 months ago while studying one night. She said she was sorry and we can continue to try and make things work, but she can't guarantee she will regrow the old feelings she had.

    Maybe I'm thinking wrong here but I think the only reason she is still here is because she has a place to stay and she would have a problem making time for school with our daughter. Any advise on the matter would be appreciated.
     
  2. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    If you're both willing to make things work, you need to rediscover the spark. Go on dates, and spend time together without your daughter. Why did you fall in love in the first place? Find out and take her back there. Show her the thrill of the chase again.

    Edit - and don't let this happen again! These things happen because of a lack of communication. You need to grow together and support each other through the changes. If you dont, you'll just grow apart.
     
  3. Crush

    Crush Epidural hematoma up in this bitch

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    how old are you?
     
  4. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I'm going to agree. I think that's part of my my gf and I just broke up.
     
  5. BrokenHalo

    BrokenHalo New Member

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    that sucks on all levels. i'm going to agree with the guys in this case and say that there might be a "someone else" in the picture.

    but, don't jump to conclusions. even though the situation is already pretty bad, i wouldn't get on the accusation train and make things even worse. the last thing you want to do is make her spiteful so that she fights you like hell for child support should it come down to that.

    have a friend (someone that she wouldn't recognize and know immediately that you were having her tailed) follow her out one night. hopefully you have some sort of clue as to where she's going to make it easier.

    but to be honest, this makes you feel like shit, right? and do you really want to try to work things out with someone who just flat out told you that they don't love you anymore? as ridiculous as it sounds, i would be utterly devastated, and i would probably bail, just to save my own sanity. i don't think that i could even fight to save something having been told something so severe. but then again, thats just me.

    having kids in the situation only makes it harder. but don't make yourself miserable just to avoid a broken home. there are plenty of kids who grow up with divorced parents that turn out just fine. so if it comes down to that, you just have to make sure that you raise your daughter with good morals so that she doesn't think the kind of behavior that her mother is exhibiting is the right kind.

    and on a side note, i've seen cases where the wife just wants out, and the husband's best bet was to make it an amicable split just to make things easier for the children involved.

    in any case, this isn't an easy situation by a long shot and i wish you the best of luck. if you ever need anyone to talk to, my PM box is always open. i have a background in psychology as well, so i can help you along those lines should you need it in a pinch :hs:
     
  6. OhFourTwoThree

    OhFourTwoThree New Member

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    Did you guys have major problems before this sudden change in her? How was your marriage? Did she ever express disatisfaction with the marriage?

    I am asking you this because I have girl friends that left their husband after years of being fed up with him yet the husband did not see it coming. They tried to address problems to their apathetic husband for years until they realized they just don't love him the same anymore. By then, the husband would see the changes and try to be more loving or "fix" the problems but it'd be too late because she just doesn't care anymore. Usually the husband would not understand what happened...he'd forget all the years she cried and begged for change. I am not assuming this is what happened in your marriage but it's actually a common occurrence.

    It also sounds like you guys are young, got married young, and maybe even married due to a pregnancy. That could also explain much of her behavior. I am not implying that young marriage always fail but according to the statistics, it is more likely to fail. Why? Because you don't know yourself yet, you desire freedom and want to discover the world around you...the normal person in their early twenties does not want to be held down with kids and responsibilities. One or both of you is likely to feel this way at some point in time.

    If I were you, I'd see if she wants to go for marital counseling. It sounds like she still wants to try.
     
  7. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    Here is some more information on our relationship. We began dating back during our junior year of high school. We had a blast together wherever we went or whatever we did. Our feeling for each other always seemed so new and alive. When we graduated high school we moved in together and both took on full time work. I eventually started going to college to further my education and to provide a better life for the both of us. We had our share of arguments, but it wasn’t anything a little make up sex couldn’t fix. About a year and a half went by after we graduated and she found a new job. About a year into the new job and she found a male co-worker whom she liked spending time with. It was during this time I felt our relationship started going downhill. The things we used to do together were no longer as she spent more time with this guy than me. I confronted her about it and she said they were only friends and she threw it back in my face that I didn’t want her to have friends. I backed off and just felt more depressed. One night she invited him over to our home and he showed up around 11:00pm. They were out in the living room watching something and laughing about as loud as they could all the while I’m in the bedroom trying to sleep because I have to work in the morning. Well 1:30am rolled by and I had about had it. I went into the living room and told him to pack his $hit or I would do it for him. He promptly left and me and her had a large argument. I basically told her that she was being rude and inconsiderate and if this was how things were going to be I was done with the relationship. We ended up parting ways and I found out later the guy she was hanging around with was gay.


    About two years later we agreed to see each other as friends. We would go out and have fun and it seemed like things were back as they were originally. After seeing each other for about three months, one night she confided that she was still in love with me and she cried at night because we were just friends and she couldn’t have me. Being the push over I am I ended up taking her back. Several months later she became pregnant. I was so happy when she told me, but she seemed scared and unsure of things. I promised her I would always be there for her and our child. I made sure I was available for her doctors appointments and classes that she wanted to go to. During her pregnancy we really didn’t have sex. Sometimes she wanted to but I just didn’t feel it was something I was up to doing. I think this may have affected her in some way even though I assured her it had nothing to do with her, I just felt weird with our child being in there.

    Before our child was born I took on a job that required more of my time and created more stress in my life. What time I had I spent with her at home. After our child was born she had symptoms of postpardems and I couldn’t do much to help her with them. After about a year on the new job I ended up stepping down and taking a large pay cut so I could foster our family life. If I could do things over I would have been home more during the first year of our daughters life. I know she still resents me for this, she has told me. Things got better and she started school for the nursing program. She seemed very happy to be doing something with her life. She did warn me that her instructors said the about 75% of graduating nurses get divorsed thoughout the schooling process due to a lack of family/relationship time. I didn’t hink much of it at the time since it was just a statistic. Later I found that it has become harder on our relationship because we don’t have time. She however did determined to take as many units as she can to get through as fast as possible.

    She had a job change about six months ago and seems happier with where she now works. The problem is that instead of spending time with me on Saturdays she like to go out with her friends to the club who are all single. On top of this she is now very concerned about her appearance and is wearing cloths she would have never of worn before.

    Anyhow sorry for the long read, however this is my situation.
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I'll keep this short.

    You two were together early in your lives, and she has a few times now, felt (and acted upon!) and urge to explore "other options".

    You two also have a child together.

    She may have chosen a career path which often results in a high (75%!) divorce rate during the preparatory phase.

    Sprinkled throughout your narrative are clear episodes where she demonstrates an urge to leave you, or at least test the waters. That is very, very clear. It should be clear to you too.

    The high stress load brought on by nursing school only revealed the underlying dissatisfaction in your relationship, it did not create that dissatisfaction.

    In fact, by your own accounting (whether you see it or not), that feeling was already present long ago.



    Due to the fact you two have a child together, I recommend you try and stay together.

    Therefore you two ABSOLUTELY MUST attend marriage counselling with a highly qualified family therapist immediately. IMMEDIATELY.

    If she is unwilling, you must go alone. There you will hopefully gain an understanding of your contribution to this. Don't make this mistake of thinking it useless if she doesn't choose to attend. She may attend later.

    Start this procedure now, today if possible. If you do nothing or you choose to believe this is somehow her fault, or her career choice's fault, or anything other than you as co-creator of this mess, then you will lose her.

    It's time to wake up. Good luck to you.
     
  9. cvgwpg

    cvgwpg Guest

    I do agree with Johan in the previous post... with the child involved, you should work on it. Yeah, and considering that early on, the both of you had a great relationship before the schooling/career stuff started taking place.

    Communication is key... I've heard it from people and read it in books. Once the communication slows/breaks down for whatever reason, then issues start to rise. Two people can drift apart if they get too focused on other things and not care and nurture the relationship they are in. A marriage never comes together without putting some work into it.... and it can be a great challenge especially if both spouses are working or they are working crazy shifts that they never see each other.

    I personally went thru that when we were like two jets passing/intersecting at two different times and hardly saw each other. We both worked on it and made time to get out and be together... which in some ways was a challenge.

    It is quite easy to have someone else distract you and next thing you know, you have a co-worker or someone showering you with attention that you are lacking at home.
     
  10. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    Thanks for the comments. I'll continue to work on keeping everything together as best I can. In the end I just want for both of us to be happy.
     
  11. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    My gut feeling says this could a be source that extinguished "the spark." I'm all for a girls night out once inawhile but a married woman should be making sure the needs of her husband and children are met before hitting the town. If Saturday's are her only free day, most of them should be spent with the family.

    Then again, I'm an old-fashioned gal who believes that husband and home take priority over friends and nights out on the town :dunno:
     
  12. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    I've entertained the idea of going out with her and her friends several times, but she insists "the husband is not invited". What is upsetting is that I know for a fact that there is one of her closer guy co-workers that goes out with her. She is really starting to test my trust. Lately my feelings have been a series of ups and downs. I'm going to see a clinician and hope that will help me, atleast with some of the depression. :hs:
     
  13. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    She might think that you don't love her. I see the nice things that you do towards her, but has there been a lot of strife and conflict in your marriage? You could try marraige counseling. However, if you have a bad marriage with a messed-up foundation the results may not be positive.
     
  14. TZ

    TZ Banned

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    Dump the bitch. Take care of the kid, though, it's not her fault.
     

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