I don't really know why im writing this, maybe it will feel abit better and i don't have anyone else to tell. I'm 17 years old, been in a deep depression for many years now. I'm not a good writer with using paragraphs and such and my english isnt my mother tounge . Im the youngest of three children in a quite wealthy family. When i was a yoúng kid my dad was working in a other city many miles from home and only visited during the weekends, i never really spoke to him alot. Not that i didn't like him, we just hadn't a realtionship where we spent time together, he was always tired after the week of work and we never spent any time together. At this time (5-12)i had a few friends in school, i never was really popular and got (atleast from my pov) bulliyed in school. Not the guy that was always beaten up but i always god cruel comments about me and my looks and stuff, i always been very pale and skinny. Sometime during this period my father started drinking alot and got home drunk, 1 year later i woke up in the middle of the night by the sounds of him cramping on my parents floor, he was taken to hospital and they discovered he had a brain tumour, today he can't communicate at all and don't have a memory. This leading me to not having a father in my whole childhood and i can't remember any good memories at all from him. All i have is the ones from when he drank. Later on (13-15). This was the period when i didn't really had any friends at all, i started playing alot of online computer games and i spent pretty much 10+ hours a day doing it, in my first year of my new school (13yrs old) i did good. But then i got more and more addicted to the games and started failing classes. You may be aware of how it is to be the youngest child (me 5 and 7 years younger than the other 2). My brother and sister did great in school and was out alot socializing with friends. Somewhat during this stage (13-15yrs old) they both moved out, now my mother and me lived alone. I've never really felt any support from any of them, i was always the one that they were blaming. I've always felt like the "black sheep" , both in my family and among my friends. I'm now failing almost 50% of my classes in High School (15-17) and i'm still addicted to games and the only 'friends' i have i've met on internet. Thought that's not really what you can call friends. I'm not at all bulliyed any longer, i gained some confidence, and i think that everyone sees me as a very funny guy, i got a good sense of humour. But i think they got the picture of me being a kid who spends alot of time infront of the computer and that's probably why they leave me alone and never asks me to come hang out. And since i never had anyone to trust or talk to about my issues i've learned myself to keep all of my feelings for myself. I'm stubborn, so i find it hard to ask them to hang out. And also, thats makes me having a hard time and refusing to ask anyone for help, even a professional, i don't know, it's just how i am, i would feel weak if i asked anyone else for help, i mean, even writing this on a forum after being a lurker for almost 6 months is difficult. Today i got almost nothing to say to my mother, i hate her for treating me different when compared to my sister and brother, she always somehow treated me childish and i never really speak to her, and i'm not eating dinner with her on the evenings or anything like that. She has hit me a few times aswell and it's something i haven't seen her doing to my sister and brother. She says she loves me but she never speaks to me and it's gone so far that the only thing i enjoy about her is to piss her off, threathen her with never seeing or talking to her again after i move out etc. Which i'm quite serious about. Me being skinny and sitting alot infront of the computer i never really thought about my posture which has lead to me getting a stooped chest, looking rather oldish for a 17 year old, which is something i hate when looking at myself in a mirror. I started working out a bit 1 year ago and that has lead me to gained some confidence, i would say im quite good looking with a few exceptions that i don't like in my looks. But i feel that the working out just won't raise my confidence any more. Making things worse, i have no motivation what so ever for my future after school, i'm failing all my classes and i haven't find anything i enjoy doing. I don't feel any motivation to even try to study for better grades. I almost got no experience with girls which many guys in my age seems to have. I may seem to have great confidence when in school but underneath it felt like i've been crying for many years straigth. You know that feeling when you are trying to hold back tears. I hang out with other people in my age maybe 3 times a year. don't think there is anyone knowing what i'm feeling and the thing is, that's the way i am and always been. So yeah, i don't really know what to do, i probably spend more time thinking about suicide and how to commit it than what the average guy in my age seem to spend time his time thinking about girls or sports. I mean , shit, I finished my 2nd year in high school 2 hours ago and while others are out celebrating in the lovely sun shine i'm sitting here writing this trying not to cry since my mother may enter the room any minute now ( we are going to visit and celebrate my maybe only genuine and good friend who are graduating). I haven't got a summer job and i'm afraid i will spend another summer all alone. So yeah, don't really know what im gonna accomplish by doing this, sorry for the long rant.