Male insight...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Epiphany, May 10, 2005.

  1. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I recently started talking to a guy that I used to work with. We started talking right after I left my former employer for a new job. They wouldn't pay me more and he actually fought to keep me there. Pushed to get me a raise...even argued with my boss to the point she wouldn't talk to him for a couple weeks.

    I had never considered the thought of dating him until I saw how hard he tried to keep me there. We used to talk on a rare occassion about things going on in his relationship. About 3-4 weeks before I left they ended up breaking up.

    He showed me a lot of appreciation for everything I had done...He was genuinely disappointed that I was leaving. Thats when I started having feelings for him. After I left he asked me out a couple times. I talked to him after the second date and he said he doesn't want a relationship right now. He doesn't think he's ready for one and said that he doesn't know where he will be in 5 months after he graduates college. He could move away because there is nothing keeping him here... but he spends a lot of time with me. We kiss..and even though thats as far as I will let it go given the circumstances...he still calls me a lot, takes me out, spends time with me.... Lets me meet his friends...

    I don't know. I'm completely confused.

    I really care about him but he insists he won't want a serious relationship for awhile. I don't know whether to keep seeing him or turn away.
     
  2. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    He's probably afraid to get hurt. You don't have to give it everything you've got. Not all relationships have to be serious. If you think you'd be hurt when he leaves, then don't invest too much into the relationship.
     
  3. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    He just got out of a relationship, he doesn't want a new one. Completely understandable. If you're not comfortable with being together without a title, end it now. I say just have fun and what happens happens, I don't know why people strive for this title when it really changes nothing they have with the person.
     
  4. Epiphany

    Take things one day at a time

    I've been in a situation similar to the one you are having right now

    You said that he dose not know where he will be in 5 Yrs he's probably afraid that he will become too attached to you. from the way you describe the situation ( I think he already is )
    At least he is being up front with you about it and is not leading you on.

    You also mentioned in your post that you have not put out

    imo coming from a guys point of view it's obvious to me that this guy has feelings for you because he would have ditched you a long time ago for not putting out yet he continuities to see you-- even though you aren't giving him any I would not date a woman for a long time if she was not putting out UN-less I really liked her allot imo I think this guy would like to have a relationship with you but is just afraid to get too serious for fear that he will have to relocate when he graduates from college What happens then that's the hard part he'd either have to pass up the opportunity and stay with you or you would have to pack your bags take everything you own and move in with him. then say if he gave up his career and stayed with you then latter on down the road , things don't work out between you two, he'll regret it for life.

    Keep doing what you're doing if it's not broke don't fix it

    Tell him how you feel but don't scare him off with talk about getting involved in a serious relationship if you like this guy and think he is B/F material , Tell him tell him that you are not looking for anything serious tell him that you just want a b/f and if things work out great, but if it don't it don't the only way you can scare him off wold be to freak him out by telling him that you want to have a Serious relationship with him. ( that's just my opinion ) let me know how things work out
     
  5. RoblesGT

    RoblesGT [Track Days: 19 ][Crashes: 1] [SuMo Days: 1 ][Cras OT Supporter

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    Northern got the most of it.

    I'm also in a similar situation. She just finished breaking up with her b/f not too long ago and where we are right now, Okinawa Japan, people rotate their SO's as people come and go. He went back to the states and she's still here, we recently hooked up.

    I told her I'm not looking for a serious relationship, she was a bit :hs: about it but eventually understood the nature of the Marine Corps out here. It's good to have a companion though, and both her and I are getting what we need out of each other. I fear though that she will end up getting hurt when she has to leave. :hs:

    If you two get serious, he will face a decision come graduation if he is offered a job far from you. I think that is a decision he wants to make with no pressure. If you want to ride it out and see what happens, do so, life is all about taking risks.
     
  6. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    Thank you for the replies! It helps!!

    I don't know for sure where to let it go. I want something with him but at the same time I'm not sure if it's best. I don't want to pressure him. I definately do not want to force him into a corner or anything. It's not like that. I have actually only brought it up when things seem to be getting heavy to kind of simmer things down a bit. And he lets it go. :mamoru: Sometimes he has to be reminded... but he respects it. It hasn't stopped him from calling me, taking me out a bunch... and all that stuff.

    If he doesn't want a relationship then I understand that. I'm fine with that. At the same time... I don't want to get in over my head. I just don't know where the line is.

    When do you decide to say... there's been enough time...things are getting harder to resist, without pressuring? I'm not opposed to letting things happen naturally, I'm just afraid if I just let my guard down and let things go naturally it will turn into a "no official strings attached" relationship. In this case, I know him pretty well but not well enough to know what his intentions are. I'm afraid to let my guard down.

    Oh yeah... He doesn't know where he will be in 5 months... unfortunately not years... :wtc:
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2005
  7. Right now why wait just don't over do it or act to needy if he says that he dose not want to be in a relationship atm tell him that you understand and leave it at that keep doing the same thing you were doing when you two first started, dating things will eventually work out one way or another
    but I really do believe that he will get spooked if you pressure him Too- much into into wanting a serious relationship it's ok to tell him how you feel just don't do what 98.9 percent of women do and that is Pressure him into saying something that he dose not really mean allot of women say Oh I don't do that, when they really do. they won't stop complaining until we tell them what they want to hear


    The best thing you can do right now is to prove to him that you will not go psycho if things don't work out. he might also be afraid that he will loose you as a friend if things don't work out so don't play the friend game for to long at least let him how you feel, asp


    5 years Lol I tried to edit that part out last night but the servers went down 2 seconds after I hit the reply button.
     
  8. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I went there last night feeling a bit better...a little more confident.

    At this point...I am floored. I am so disappointed. I don't know if this is part of the reason but I think it may be. I didn't make a big deal out of this last night when he told me. I was kind of in shock... I stayed for awhile and tried to play it off like it didn't effect me much but I haven't been able to think about anything else all day.

    We were talking last night. Having a great time, I said something and he said... "whatever...what have you been smokin?" Well that opened up that whole topic. I said, "I don't do that stuff". I figured he may have been a casual smoker to some degree anyway so getting into that conversation didn't startle me too much....at first.
    He asked, "You don't smoke?" "Nope", "do you roll?" "Nope", "Shrooms?" "Nope", "Acid?", "Nope", "Coke?" "Nope".......silence. He just stared at me for a minute with this look like his mom just died.

    He had this ashamed look on his face and said "I do at least one of those a day, unless I drink....which is mostly what I do."

    I am completely in shock. He never seemed high... never seemed like he did any of that.... I can deal with weed so a small degree. Weed would not surprise me if he did it but this...I just can't believe it. He is such a sweetheart and I love being with him. THIS JUST SUCKS

    I don't want to stop seeing him but I can't handle that and know that I will not be able to battle that. I hate this...after last night I really feel like he does genuinely care about me. I just hate my luck.

    I don't want to cut off from him all together. I still care about him just the same. My feelings haven't changed, which surprises me. I still want to be there...be apart of his life at least as a friend. Is that best though?
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2005
  9. Fucker

    Fucker out of the fast lane, bitches

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    He's told you how he feels in no uncertain terms. He's told you clearly what he wants. Yes, he maybe unwilling to put himself in harms way again for fear of getting hurt, but his possible 'unconsious' motives DO NOT negate what he has said to you.

    Knowing that, should you continue to grow attached to him? Don't know. He's told you how he feels, proceed at you're own risk. You may win him over or he may leave.

    Is it better to have loved and lost?
     
  10. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I understand that. In a way I don't completely agree though. The terms have been uncertain. What he tells me and how he is are two controdicting things.

    He's not trying to get a peice. He doesn't pressure me for anything other than my time. He makes sure he calls me everyday without making me wait and he's very affectionate...all of this COMPLETELY under his own choice. Not because I've asked or pressured (which again, I have not done). This leads me to believe that theres more to it...I'm starting to believe that he does genuinely care but the steaks for me are too high at this point with all this new stuff.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2005
  11. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    He probably cares enough about you that he doesn't want you to be a rebound. I'd wait it out and see where things go. Even if he doesn't know where he's going to be in 5 months, it doesn't sound like he's going to take off anywhere without including you in his decision or at least letting you know.
     

  12. You can't Roll a dube ? no wonder why he's acting the way he is LOL just J/K



    Weeds ok nothing wrong with that pot's not a hard drug nor is it addicting.

    But Meth Crystal Cocaine etc etc is a different story those drugs will turn Anyone into a Monster you mention that you do not use drugs and also that he dose not appear to be high when you see him.

    Just because his eyes aren't red when you see him doesn't mean that he isn't high druggies act normal until they run out of drugs.

    You don't know how druggies act or the symptoms because you ever used them before therefor you don't know the signs to watch out for.

    Maybe I'm being to judgmental but you never mentioned anything about him using drugs so now I'm beginning to wonder what this guys true intentions really are

    I hate t say it but you really have to watch out for druggies
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2005
  13. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    i totally agree! :bigthumb:

    regardless of what he does, ie take you out...etc, he has told you that he doesn't want a serious relationship.

    obviously many of you know i'm not a man, so please tell me if i'm wrong here guys ;). if you were interested in a serious relationship with a woman that you were truly into, you would stop at nothing to get what you wanted.

    honestly, you want to hear what you want to hear, regardless if he's telling you something totally different. it's up to you to decide to pursue a casual relationship knowing the facts. realize, though, that you may end up hurt even more.


    imo, tho... any man that uses drugs on a regular basis isn't even worth having a relationship with me. drugs, whether it be pot or the new "trend" meth, i got NO FREAKIN time.
     
  14. I agree with c&b

    Epiphany how's things going long time no post figured you two might have went to Vegas to get married lol

    So you wouldn't even consider dating a guy if he smoked a Lil' pot every now and then ? :wtc:
     
  15. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :nono: nope... i really don't see the need for any drug use. yes, i do drink occasionally.

    ;) you must've missed my other posts... like i've said, i'm picky. i hold guys to the same standards i hold myself. :dunno:
     
  16. even if he just smoked every now and then ... wow :(


    I here where your coming from though but dang Pots a harmless drug now I could see if he was a pot head who smoked everyday that would be different story we all have our faults nobodies perfect what if he said that he would quit smoking Herb if it would make you happy would that make any difference.

    my connection is tripping so I don't have the Bandwidth to look back a page to see the post you made before this one, I'll be lucky if this reply even gos through Lol
     
  17. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :rofl: are you sad that i wouldn't date you? :sad2:

    i just don't think there's a need for drug use... at all. it's sort of a liability issue, too. my future career involves dealing with drugs at a law enforcement level. one drug possession charge (because of a beau) would be enough to ruin the 2039042348 years i went to school. i've worked too hard to even risk that. :)

    sure, i would date someone if they decided to quit, but i'd make sure before we started anything that they had actually quit. i don't have time for the drama, if you get me. (i don't want to be lied to, etc...) let's get this straight tho! i would in NO way tell a guy that i was dating to quit anything. i'm not out to change anyone. i'd just let him know that i'm strongly against it, and there would be no bf/gf relationship. if he decided that i was worthy (is that the right term? :ugh2: ) to stop, then :bigthumb:...if not, then that's cool too.
     
  18. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    We aren't seeing eachother... don't know if I will be hanging out with him at all because the feelings and all but I would still like to have him in my life in some way, at least at some point. He is a wonderful person...he treated me incredibly well. With everything that was said between us, there is a lot to all this. In any case we both are broken hearted but it's better for both of us I think. He's dealing with a lot of baggage right now as well. He deserves to be happy...however that may be.

    If a person did weed on occassion... that probably wouldn't bother me much. Depends on the extent with that but Its really not something I care to deal with. It's all the other drugs that would really bother me more. I also don't agree with trying to change a person.
     
  19. Epiphany I'm sorry to hear that you two aren't dating anymore

    Try not to worry so much he'll be back when he needs you whether it be for emotional support advice friendship or maybe Even a relationship just give him some time to realize that he blew a good thing.

    Most of us men never realize what a good thing we have until we loose it funny how that is but it's so true, It's a trait.

    I get mad at G/F-s that I've know for a while all the time and leave them well not leave them as in never see them again but more like fade way for a while then it's like I'll hook up with some bimbo then get mad at myself for jumping out of the frying pan into the fire and wind up going back to the woman that treated me best ( that is if she'll take me back Lol Don't worry he'll be back one way or another just gotta give it a Lil time.
     
  20. erobbins

    erobbins Active Member

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    sounds like you're lucky that this guy is straight up and won't just tell you whatever you want to hear to get in your pants. if it's meant to be then it'll be :)

    ..unless you want to just have a fling, then he'd probably consent.. but you might not like how that turns out.
     
  21. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I think thats what makes it even harder. The fact that he was completely up front and honest with me no matter what... :wtc: It's hard to find that anymore. It's sure as hell hard to give up.
     
  22. Dose this guy by any chance happen to be a homo?

    I mean you seem like such a babe it just seems a Lil strange that he would break things off like he did unless he was maybe holding back, something that he doesn't want you to know... is he married ?

    It's very unnatural for us to ditch a woman that has not yet put out Unless she was like maybe a Lil bit to um clingy or ... or I don't know something just don't sound right drop a line if you ever feel like talking about it I'll be here.
     
  23. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    the fact that you say this is funny... i've been a girl in that situation many times, and i've let people like you back in before. i just want you to understand, though, that there will be a time when girls like me say :nono:.

    :( it's annoying when i can be relied on for support, but when it comes to being the other way around, it's at the other's convienence. i'm worth more than that... and so is every girl, for that matter.

    my point? ;) don't get caught up in making mistakes thinking that you'll always have another chance with the person. sometimes they add up and you, inevitably, run out.

    epiphany... you seem like a great girl, and you deserve better than this guy. i give him props for telling you like it is. you can't hold that against him, and it doesn't sound like you do. i think it's better that you take some time to yourself so that you are able to let your feelings about him die down. maybe in the future the two of you could be friends. :) don't subject yourself to pain just because you want him in your life, though. that isn't healthy.

    good luck!
     
  24. I agree with that 100 percent

     
  25. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    I agree... and there is more out there. I just have rare chances of meeting them. :mamoru: I usually only date people I know and I'm comfortable with. I don't like bars or clubs much cause I don't like getting hit on by people I don't know. Doesn't matter how good they look or how nice they seem it makes me really uncomfortable.

    At this point, I think I want to take a time out. ;) Time to regroup.

    Honestly, I think the fact that he was into drugs was more the reason he held back than his past relationships. His problem is pretty big. Now that I sit back and think about it, I think he used the past relationships as the excuse because he doesn't want to admit how bad his problem is. Maybe he's not proud of himself. He doesn't think he can stop...therefore doesn't want someone hounding him to.

    Who knows? Maybe that was the baggage in his past relationships? Maybe thats why he said they were so bad? I'm sure he was smart enough before I knew about it to figure out that it would be a problem if anything came out of it. I think he did consider us but he's known for a long time I've never done anything and thought realistically about it.

    I do respect him a lot for handling it the way he did. Was I clingy...? No, not at all...In fact from the beginning I left pretty much everything up to him since he was just out of a relationship.

    Oh well... in anycase it's done. Life goes on, there must be bigger and better things out there for me somewhere. :x:
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2005

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