My ex is such a bitch. I was suppost to head off to basic like 2 weeks ago. 2 days before I go she IMs me telling me we need to talk about something. The day before I had written her a 9 page letter explaining my feelings and telling her that I love her but I cant have contact with her becuase I still want to be with her. We talk that night and she tells me this: "I've printed out the last two things you wrote me. I didn't want to stare at the computer reading them. I wanted to be in my bed under the covers and have tissues close by. I am actually writing you like this too, but by the time you read it, it will be typed. I have your words with me here. I wanted to make sure I told you everything that needed to be addressed. But then, I stopped rereading. I want everything to come from my heart. I feel like my heart is cruel and selfish. I don't want to leave you more confused or frustrated. I am tired of it myself. I feel like you have turned into all of those things I've always wanted in a man. I feel like you do cherish me, and we are hundreds of miles apart. I feel it all the way here, in Arlington. I honestly deep down with everything I have trust you completely. I know you wouldn't be physically violent with me again. And there is no other person that knows me better than you. I often still feel like you know me better than I know myself. I know I am weak, very weak, That is why I get so scared to write you or talk to you. You have questions about the last time we saw each other. I've blocked so much of it out of my memory. I lied. It did mean something, but I have no idea what. I told you Kent wasn't going to be anything, because I thought he wasn't interested in me. Why do you think I am so strong? I am so weak in everything. But reading your words about me being beautiful and smart make me so happy, and tears fall down my face. You aren't wrong. I do give at least 3 shits about us. I don't know what to do. Doing nothing makes the decision for me. Doing nothing is the coward's way out. The relationship I am in now is easy. When I need a hug, it is there. Our families are gaga about us. There isn't pain or risk or fear. I know it is steady. I know where things are headed. I see the timeline. I don't have to wonder or expect the unexpected. Damnit, you have me pinned down. You know how I feel. You know it is just easier for me to be with someone else right now. But I am the selfish bitch that wants to be able to have a chance with you later." God I just want to ring her neck so much. She tells me after she told that (see above) that she doesnt know if she loves me or not becuase im not in Texas. That is becuase when she was 14 she made a list of everything she wants in a man to marry. One of the being "butterflies". I WAS everything on that list when we were dating then I screwed up things in my life and now I got my shit together. Her and her mom told me to not to come back to get until I got my shit together (which I have). Whats worse is that same night while we are talking about all of this shes telling me she would marry me wtc I love this woman so much it pisses me off so freakin much. Fuck woman who dont know what the fuck they want, and fuck woman who are golddiggers. I swear to God the only reason she is dating some guy she doesnt love and would marry him is for security. Fucking bitch I swear. I hope she is unhappy for the rest of her life and one day it dawns on her that she is a dumb bitch for what she does. I know she doesnt love him becuase she told me so, she told her bestfriend and her mom. Fuck I dunno, her bestfriend tells me to get my shit together and in a couple YEARS if I can give her what she wants then shed come back to me but right now she wants to see what else there is. Granted we are young (20) I already know where my life is headed. Im not some kid who stays drunk/high all the time. My childhood didnt let me be a "kid" so ive grown up since I was 10 having to have responacability. OT tell me im not stupid, I feel so dumb right now. I feel like once again the joke is on me and the world around me is laughing . I fucking hate her but still feel things for her I just . We got into a fight after I found out I wasnt going to basic becuase the army fucked my paperwork up . So now ive decided to go back to college in Texas (I've been in Illinois the last 2 months.) After the fight we pretty much told each other we shouldnt talk anymore. EDIT: What makes this worse is my mom is fucking 1300 miles away becuase my aunt got into a REALLY bad car wreck and im left here with her partner and their 2 kids. Since my aunt is gonna be in rehab for like the next year my mom is moving down to Flordia so now im in charge of packing a house with 3 retards that couldnt pack a box if their lives depended on it. LAzy fucking sons of bitches. EDIT2: Worst thing that makes me feel like shit is I thought that we could work things out and when we got into a fight we was like im happy with my decision and I dont regret it cuase I dont love you. Everything that has happened in the last month was becuase I got off my meds for a couple days (obviously a lie). I feel like she still has feelings but doesnt want to be with me becuase of the other guy and where it could lead I guess. I dunno, everything I know about her. What she does when shes mad, how she covers things up, ect tells me she still has feelings for me but doesnt want to go back to them even though she tells me this other crap. Woman are worthless sometimes.