SRS :madfawk:

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Clix, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    My ex is such a bitch. I was suppost to head off to basic like 2 weeks ago. 2 days before I go she IMs me telling me we need to talk about something. The day before I had written her a 9 page letter explaining my feelings and telling her that I love her but I cant have contact with her becuase I still want to be with her.

    We talk that night and she tells me this:

    "I've printed out the last two things you wrote me. I didn't want to stare at the computer reading them. I wanted to be in my bed under the covers and have tissues close by. I am actually writing you like this too, but by the time you read it, it will be typed. I have your words with me here. I wanted to make sure I told you everything that needed to be addressed. But then, I stopped rereading. I want everything to come from my heart.

    I feel like my heart is cruel and selfish. I don't want to leave you more confused or frustrated. I am tired of it myself.

    I feel like you have turned into all of those things I've always wanted in a man. I feel like you do cherish me, and we are hundreds of miles apart. I feel it all the way here, in Arlington. I honestly deep down with everything I have trust you completely. I know you wouldn't be physically violent with me again. And there is no other person that knows me better than you. I often still feel like you know me better than I know myself.

    I know I am weak, very weak, That is why I get so scared to write you or talk to you.

    You have questions about the last time we saw each other. I've blocked so much of it out of my memory. I lied. It did mean something, but I have no idea what. I told you Kent wasn't going to be anything, because I thought he wasn't interested in me.

    Why do you think I am so strong? I am so weak in everything. But reading your words about me being beautiful and smart make me so happy, and tears fall down my face.

    You aren't wrong. I do give at least 3 shits about us. I don't know what to do. Doing nothing makes the decision for me. Doing nothing is the coward's way out. The relationship I am in now is easy. When I need a hug, it is there. Our families are gaga about us. There isn't pain or risk or fear. I know it is steady. I know where things are headed. I see the timeline. I don't have to wonder or expect the unexpected. Damnit, you have me pinned down. You know how I feel. You know it is just easier for me to be with someone else right now. But I am the selfish bitch that wants to be able to have a chance with you later."

    God I just want to ring her neck so much. She tells me after she told that (see above) that she doesnt know if she loves me or not becuase im not in Texas. That is becuase when she was 14 she made a list of everything she wants in a man to marry. One of the being "butterflies". I WAS everything on that list when we were dating then I screwed up things in my life and now I got my shit together. Her and her mom told me to not to come back to get until I got my shit together (which I have).

    Whats worse is that same night while we are talking about all of this shes telling me she would marry me :)wtc:) I love this woman so much it pisses me off so freakin much.

    Fuck woman who dont know what the fuck they want, and fuck woman who are golddiggers. I swear to God the only reason she is dating some guy she doesnt love and would marry him is for security. Fucking bitch I swear. I hope she is unhappy for the rest of her life and one day it dawns on her that she is a dumb bitch for what she does.

    I know she doesnt love him becuase she told me so, she told her bestfriend and her mom. Fuck I dunno, her bestfriend tells me to get my shit together and in a couple YEARS if I can give her what she wants then shed come back to me but right now she wants to see what else there is. Granted we are young (20) I already know where my life is headed. Im not some kid who stays drunk/high all the time. My childhood didnt let me be a "kid" so ive grown up since I was 10 having to have responacability.

    OT tell me im not stupid, I feel so dumb right now. I feel like once again the joke is on me and the world around me is laughing :wtc: :wtc: :wtc:. I fucking hate her :madfawk: but still feel things for her I just :wtc:. We got into a fight after I found out I wasnt going to basic becuase the army fucked my paperwork up :squint:. So now ive decided to go back to college in Texas (I've been in Illinois the last 2 months.) After the fight we pretty much told each other we shouldnt talk anymore.

    EDIT: What makes this worse is my mom is fucking 1300 miles away becuase my aunt got into a REALLY bad car wreck and im left here with her partner and their 2 kids. Since my aunt is gonna be in rehab for like the next year my mom is moving down to Flordia so now im in charge of packing a house with 3 retards that couldnt pack a box if their lives depended on it. LAzy fucking sons of bitches.

    :madfawk: :madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk::madfawk:

    EDIT2: Worst thing that makes me feel like shit is I thought that we could work things out and when we got into a fight we was like im happy with my decision and I dont regret it cuase I dont love you. Everything that has happened in the last month was becuase I got off my meds for a couple days (obviously a lie).

    I feel like she still has feelings but doesnt want to be with me becuase of the other guy and where it could lead I guess. I dunno, everything I know about her. What she does when shes mad, how she covers things up, ect tells me she still has feelings for me but doesnt want to go back to them even though she tells me this other crap. Woman are worthless sometimes.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2006
  2. NeonImpact

    NeonImpact New Member

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    stick to this, and you'll be fine. ;)
     
  3. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    Even if we want it to happen. I give it a month before she comes back to me about something. Like she said I know her the best. Ive been though alot of hairy shit with her and she doesnt feel like she can go to anyone else about some things but me. Her b/f that she is all gaga about and her parents she doesnt even trust him that much. She is to scared to even bother him about her well being. She started having panic attacks one night and she came to me about it. I told her she has a b/f for those things and she was like well hes asleep cuase he has work.
     
  4. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.

    AGAIN?!? And you say you want to ring her neck...

    Guess what- you have no business being with anyone if you're going to be physically violent with them.
     
  5. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    Find someone that can search. I made a thread about what happned like 2 months ago. :o

    Learn the difference between figures of speech and phyiscial actions. I wouldnt ever touch her in a harmful matter. The thing she is talking about I never laid a hand on her either.
     
  6. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    Damn Clix, you cant get a break with that girl. She is being EXTREMELY selfish, using you as sort of a "fall back". I wouldnt waste my time waiting for her anymore, or watching her have a relationship with someone else and not caring about what she is doing to you.

    It'll be hard to cease contact with her, but honestly I now think that is the best. She is just stringing you along as a safety if things dont work out with the new guy. She just wants security with someone, she wants someone there for her at all times whether she feels anything for them or not. Its just going to hurt you more if you hang on to something that is causing you so much pain.

    Even if she comes back to talk to you about something, ignore it no matter how hard it will be. After awhile it'll come easier to you and you'll be able to move on to better things.

    PS: Also glad to hear you got things straightened out in life :)
     
  7. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    :werd:

    It doesnt matter in 6 months we will end up in the same room. My best friend and her best friend are married. She rooms with my best bud's g/f from college. Eitherway im FUCKED when it comes to her.

    I wrote her a nasty email I was so pissed off. I think her b/f has read some of the shit ive written her. Everything she told me seemed forced but whatever. Shes looking for a "notebook" story ending. I told her her to go fuck herself and I love her the end.
     
  8. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    Let her the fuck go. Stop talking to her. I haven't talked to my cunt of an ex in about a month and I feel great.

    If her and I are going to be buddies someday it won't be for months upon months/years of no talking, and when she isn't such a dumb attention whore. It will be the same way for you. Get to it.
     
  9. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    In a way I feel better we arent talking any more. She has quit school, her parents are supporting her 100%. She is about to get a crash course in the real world becuase once the semester starts she wont have any dental/health insurance becuase she gets that from her parents and she wont be going to school. She cant find a job. Overall something is gonna happen to her, maybe it will make her wise up, maybe it wont.

    I see her marrying that dude just becuase. I dunno anymore. I got my shit to worry about. Im just dreading the coming months. She still has some of my stuff I want back, I still have spare key to her car which she hasnt exactly expressed interest in wanting back which is odd. If she doesnt want to have anything to do with me youd think she wouldnt want to be able to have access to her car. Who knows.

    Although I wouldnt have a problem with being the main source of income between us. Its how we are, we are traditionalist I guess you could call it. But I dunno a year ago she was leaps and bounds more mature/grown up than me and I feel like ive suprassed her (I told her that and she even agreed) so who knows. Life has been kicking my ass all over for the last 4 months. Maybe all she needs is life to kick her around for awhile. I just feel bad becuase if she does marry this guy there is the HUGE what if.
     
  10. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    Don't worry about it. My ex still has the key to my damn house. I could care less. I'm not gonna get into contact with her to get ahold of it - i don't wanna see her, as I'll just go off on how much of a fucking idiot she is which will in reality do nothing but make me look like an ass.
     
  11. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    and this guy is nothin' important to her if she's still keeping in contact with you. trust me. they'll be done with in a few months at most. she'll bang em for awhile to try and make you jealous - she'll start feeling like this guy just isn't gonna be it for her and she was just using him to get over you/make you jealous, and she'll be knockin' on your door after leaving him expecting you to just take her back arms open - that's when you chuckle and shut the door.

    anyone that leaves you to bang another guy or whatever and then comes back is just a greedy piece of shit. don't let her disrespect you like that and show her you deserve better. after awhile when shit dies out if you two start talking so be it, but as i've responded in many of your threads - awhile is awhile. numerous months at least. stop putting time frames to it 'oh in a month she'll be cool again' she will or she won't - either way it's on her accord and nothing to do with you. when she's cool again maybe you'll run back into eachother - but stop hoping/wishing/thinking about it and go live YOUR life.
     
  12. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    Im not putting timetables on things. I know her to well is why I can say she will most likely be back in a month or something. I doubt she bangs him. She had a one night stand after we broke up and thats most likely all she will be doing. Shes already told me they agreed not to have sex before marriage (who the fuck really know though). I just know her well enough is all.

    We will run into each other. Im not giving up my best friend of the last 4-5 years becuase of her. His wife is her best friend so who knows. Yeah I get you about her not being serious about him. Her best friend even told me that if it were serious then she wouldnt want anything to do with me. When she was like we shouldnt talk anymore her reasoning was becuase it wasnt "approprite". I am in a way afraid I would take her back. I mean yeah I wanna be with her again but I know she needs to grow up some and since I cant just get away from her its just like well fuck.
     
  13. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    The more I think about this I figure out why its hard for me not to be with her. Im not the kind of guy that dates around. Yeah ill go out with more than one girl in a short time frame but all in all I dont get into the whole dating thing. That and ive gone alot of thing with me ex. So much has happened its like I dont know if I can share that or even come close to replecate how I still feel about her :hs:. Emotionally I come from a family that has the mentality that if you cry you're not a man. All my life ive looked up to the men in my family who are the manly men and thats all ive ever known and thats all ive ever showed. My first seriously g/f I ever had I let it leak out alittle bit. Then with my ex I let it just pour out. Shes the only person ive ever emotionally come out to. Shes the only person that when I just couldnt bite my lip anymore and hold it in. My whole family bottles things inside and like my ex let me release everything inside. I didnt feel the need to have to suck it up 24/7. I guess I have gotten to attached. Ive been her emotional support though so much and shes been mine its still hard to not have her there for me.

    Hell just recent things happening within my immediate family she knows more about the relationship my mom has with her partner and I just want to call her for advice and thats it and its taking everything I got not to pick up the phone.

    Along side this nothing feels right. Ive messed around with girls and all the while doing it I didnt really want to but I did anyways. The whole time im just like this doesnt feel right.

    I dunno I finally get my shit straightened out and I feel like she just cut my legs out from under me and even though I can stand up im wabbly and stuff. Ive tried to keep my mind off her but all my friend are friends with her. Its like wherever I go I cant escape the feeling of her around and I refuse to just go get new friends becuase of her. I like my friends, most of them were mine before they were hers. Hell for the first like 8 months of dating her she barely had any friends, I introduced her to most of our friends we went to college with. I dunno, I feel like im just being shafted here when it came to our friends. I dont want to put myself nor her in a situation between our friends, but on the other hand its complete bullshit.

    Even boyund any of this. I had to wait over a year to even date her. I took her out on 2 dates and she choose her ex over me. So after that I waited a year before she broke up with him and then I had to wait a couple more weeks before she stopped dating some random dude to date me. Ugh it just feels like ive been though so much with her and that the feelings I have for her and I think she has somewhere deep down are hard to swallow. I guess maybe I just need to find a distraction. One of the last things she told me was maybe we will end up like "The Notebook", AKA im miserable for 7 years before I finally get my chance to be back with her. Whats sad is I could actually compare about 70% of the crap that happened to the movie. Although some of its turned around. I had to go away and not her. Technological advances let me send her messages without the mail involved. Up until 2 weeks ago I was going to the army and highly considering going over to Iraq, my house is my degree I plan to have within the next few years.

    Ohwell shit happen eh?
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2006
  14. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    lol @ her saying 'oh no sex till marriage now' she's gonna bang em and probably already has...she's most likely sparing your feelings - which is much better than telling you all the nitty gritty details that you don't want to hear like my piece of shit of an ex so lovely told me one night when i didn't ask to even hear it. just accept that shit and move on.

    if you just take her back with no time, and no new people/experiences inbetween you just taught her she can go walk all over you, leave you when unhappy and bang other guys and come back - do you want that? i didn't think so.
     
  15. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    you'll find another person that allows you to do the same eventually. I'm in the same boat with ya - but i keep progressing on how good my relationships are, so my next one should be wonderful, as my last one was overall pretty good. I hear ya on the 'can't escape her' bullshit. alot of my buddies still talk to my ex and i guess it makes it a bit harder at times to let go or whatever, but *shrug* you just get to a point where you don't fucking care anymore - i'm finally at that point, and it feels great. If for some reason I get a message from her someday, I'll deal with it accordingly ..either won't respond, or I'll be short but friendly - what happens happens, deal with it when it does, and don't worry about then until that moment happens.

    You never know who you might be missing out on if all you're doing is lookin' down in the dumps over some immature girl. Liven up and go make your life better - chances are someone new will find their way into it without you even having to try.
     
  16. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    Nah shes pretty hard about it. She felt completely stupid and regreted her one night stand. Although I dont believe her 100% I still think its still plausable. It doesnt matter shes had sex with someone else and so have I. Even if she ends up having sex before marriage it wont be for awhile. Within 4 months we were telling each other we loved each other (we really did, like I said there had been feelings between us for over a year) and we still didnt have sex for well over a after we had been dating for 9-10 months or so. She doesnt care if the world sees her topless but shes protective of her vagina which from talking to her the past month and stuff doesnt seem like its changed. Eitherway I doubt shed do it unless she though she loved him (which she doesnt at this point) so who the fuck knows.

    I got a long drive in front of me which im sure ill be going though 1 million and 1 senarios. I know how she feels about things and I know where im headed thats all that matters. Time will tell the rest of the tale.
     
  17. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    Im not waiting for her. How I am though I could see myself easier just becoming something im not so I have a distraction. I drink occasionally and I dont do drugs yet since some of my friends who dont regularly keep contact with my ex are already like well we will get you stoned out your mind so you dont think about it. I get off probation here in a couple weeks and its so tempting. My best friend broke up with his wife after dating her and stuff. For 6-7 months I watched him just get high/drunk. There was a pretty bad strech where he was high for a good 2 weeks. I asked him how he got though being without his now wife and hes like get high and hope for the best, not exactly the best.

    Its hard not to fall into another rut, not a rut like going back to being depressed or just giving up on things, a rut as in like im afraid I wont look at girls the same becuase ill compare them to my ex and right now noone touches her. My ex is not hot but shes beautiful, she not fat or anything but shes no supermodel. Girl I messed around with was 20 maybe weighted like 100-105...5'6"ish by all accounts the majority of men would consider her very "bangable" but I had my chance if I had wanted it and passed it up.

    The more I think about this the more I think I just should go sleep around and be the "typical" college guy but then again its not me and I just feel like im at a crossroads between my emotions and morals.
     
  18. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    She saw you finally take a stand and attempt to show self respect by defying her, and she comes back with this. It's normal and I see it all of the time. It's a test to see how much you really mean what you say about seperating. If you give in and try again you've failed the test and have proven you aren't the stand up guy you prentended to be for a moment.
     
  19. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    It doesnt matter to me anymore. I still love her but shes I dunno. I think honestly shes is losing her sanity the more I think about it. I in a way feel bad for who ever she ends up with. Shes used to take 50mg zoloft for anxiety, now shes up to 100mg of some other drug. Shes gotten not addicted but severly attached to sleeping pills. One of the last thing she told was she was off her meds (complete lie) I think shes on to many meds. Shes about to be in a world of pain cuase she quit school and wont have health insurance. Her current b/f lives 20-30 minutes from her so I dont think he sees that side of her which ive seen for the last 3 years since ive known her.

    Becuase of this and some other things im slowly realizing shes not the person im in love with becuase the crap she does and how she handles herself isnt the person I want to be with. I know the woman im in love with is strong, hard headed, knows how to get things done, isnt a liar, ect. Now I think back to talking to her and stuff she is weak, TRYING to be manipulative (completely different story), gets pushed around. Maybe she was all those things with me but who knows. She tells me im still in her heart (a big "fuck you" in my face if you ask me) but whatever.

    I plan to get my stuff back from her whether its at her parents house or her apt. I just plan on walking in here getting my stuff and leaving. I bet she prob wont even be there if its at her place. If it is I hope her b/f is there so I can show her what shes missing (hes a skinny lanky guy, im tall and ive been workin out the last 2 1/2 months so ive added alot of muscle and dropped weight from 260 to 225 and only about 17% BF). It will be funny, shes scared to see me now becuase I gave her feelings and made her choose him over me so if anything it will be interesting.

    Ohwell I move back to Texas today. See you guys in a couple days probally.
     
  20. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    trust me buddy...she's just sparin' your feelings. My ex told me all that same shit with the guy she fooled around with for awhile right after leaving me. She said they had sex twice, but then after the second time she told him she doesn't want to do that with him anymore or with anyone until she feels like she'd marry them. So what did she tell me a few weeks later? They had sex a good 30 or so more times after that. Keep in mind this was all shit I never asked to hear. Every girl is the same when it comes to this I'm afraid, they all use the same excuses, and all use the same lines to try and make you still feel special and make you feel like the guy they left you for, or the guy they are with now after leaving you, isn't as special as you are. Sex is no longer sacred - it's just something two people do when they are together for fun. After a girl loses her virginity, you can 100% safe bet she'll be fucking every single guy she's with in a matter of weeks after being with them as that little sacred hump is overwith, now it's time to just go out and get laid.

    Just accept it all and stop thinkin' about it. :)
     
  21. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    I know alot of ppl like that, hell I've become that many a time as well. It helps, but really it gets you nowhere. After my ex initially left me and started screwin' this other guy - I drank everyday for 2 months...and not just lightly either, I mean blackout drunk. I recovered, her and I started talking again...we bounced back and forth for awhile with friends, not friends, etc etc. A good 3 and a half weeks ago we finally stopped talking..haven't talked to her since. I fell into smokin' weed a bit, and picked up the drinking again. I got a job offer so the weed is stopping, but the drinking? not so much.

    The biggest mistake I made with drugs, is I did extacy the other day - and I swear to god I will never be that happy again, and it's very depressing. I'd rather do X than even bother with girls now, but I haven't done it again yet...hopefully I won't.

    I've passed on a opportunity or two as well...idk..just not ready to commit to anything - the thought of being in a relationship just annoys me really after all this shit has happened - and there's nothin' wrong with that. Never force yourself to be ready..let it happen - you'll eventually meet someone that will let yourself finally feel ready.

    Ditto to feeling that way about sleepin' around. I could of banged a few chicks that are by no means unattractive, but it just isn't me and eh - what for? I don't want to have to deal with a clingy girl askin' me why I don't call her anymore after having sex with her...i'll just stick to my hand until I find someone that's right. No big deal.
     
  22. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    girls at this age are fucking insane man. sad to say, but get used to it :hs:

    I feel bad for whatever guy(s) are involved with my ex too...she's so full of herself right now, i'm sure whatever guys are interested are busy crawling at her feet, which is just pathetic.

    I'm still in love with my ex, but just the idea of her, the person she USED to be - no way am i in love with the selfish immature piece of shit she's become. I have no doubt in my mind she'll grow into a beautiful person and make someone insanely happy - but that isn't going to be for a damn long time.

    If you really want your shit back, go get it, and leave. Don't bother with making her feel jealous or whatever if the b/f is there - it just makes you look dumb.

    Get your shit, walk out, closure. End.
     
  23. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    Fornication, Tx

    About the sex part I dont think about it. I mean I know her well enough to know how she acts. Not that it really matters anymore. She considers her relationship with that guy as something that could lead to things down the road (marriage) if she ever loves him (heh). So as of right now until he even knows her like a 1/100th of what I do I know she wont. If she does she will feel stupid and I will laugh

    I wouldnt show off or anything. Its just how I look that would show it. Not like id be walking in there going "oh look at me". Shed just see it. Im just saying it will be funny becuase last time she saw me I was all fat and weak, now im skinny and strong. Just a difference in my apprence really. As for my stuff. I am going back to college. Im an architecture major. My ex was interior design so we had the same classes. She has my drafting table. I quit college last semester and let her use it becuase she lost the bolts to hers so she didnt have one and her parents at the time didnt have the money to go buy her one (mine cost a cool $200) so ive let her keep it. Im going back to school though and ill be needing it so I can do homework in my drafting classes. Its more than just wanting to get it, I actually need it.
     
  24. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    yeah it's cool man, sex is a part of life, everyone does it.

    and definitley go get that stuff back, and yeah let her put her foot in her mouth - but don't let her all of a sudden come back to you when she sees how good you're looking/doing. just smile and walk out.
     
  25. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    :werd: I know everyone does it. Im just saying she wouldnt take the chance of comprimising a relationship she though was serious. Although in all honesty I feel bad for the guy. I think this is her long rebound relationship. After her she broke up with the guy I waited a year for a date her she dating this guy that was like 6 years older than her for a few months before one day she just decided to break up with him for no reason (sex wasnt involved in that). Who knows man im not really gonna concern myself with it. I got other shit I got to worry about right now. Like a 12 hour drive I hope I dont fall asleep during :bigthumb:
     

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