SRS Lying to the wife.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Javi, Jan 24, 2008.

  1. Javi

    Javi New Member

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    My first time posting in here, take it easy on me :hs:

    Last Saturday I had a poker night/hosting the Roy Jones/Trinidad fight. It was pretty much a last minute thing, I wound up having 10 people or so over. No females.

    When my wife returned on Tuesday from out of town, she found a bottle filled with cigarettes on the front step. She then called me out of work and asked me about it, I told her that I had a couple of close friends over to hang out and drink beer, but didn't tell the entire story. Needless to say, she got angry and stayed in a hotel that night.

    Come to last night, and she offered me a chance to tell the truth, but I continued on with the lie because by then it had snowballed, and called one of my friends to find out the truth. Well the truth came out, and she left again.

    This is the 2nd time I got caught in a lie. 1st time was me having a myspace page which I never told her about, even after she had her own. I don't know why I told her in the first place - I guess I didn't want a confrontation about it.

    She's now considering separation. There's not a whole lot I can do today; she has to leave town again (which i knew of in advance) and won't return until Monday. I'm lost, and I have no idea what to do. So I'm asking for feedback and advice, and I really need it. I don't want to lose her. :sadwavey:
     
  2. Shiva Chaos

    Shiva Chaos i see boobies!

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    underlying issues.

    therapy would be the best course of action. The separation (out of town) stuff isn't helping either.
     
  3. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Wait - what's the issue?

    I guess like Shiva said, there must be an underlying issue..

    But, from my standpoint, I'll ask you this..

    What's the issue? You had some male friends over, had a few beers, watched the game and played some poker. Now, if for some reason your wife thinks it's unreasonable for you to have some company, then you need to reevaluate the marriage.

    But seriously - I'm lost. She's upset because you "lied" about having people over?

    And if she had a blowout about a myspace page, chances are your relationship has some serious flaws and insecurities between the two of you. Counseling would be my suggestion, that is of course, if you want your one-way relationship and what she says goes, to continue.

    Good luck.
     
  4. bluefox1081

    bluefox1081 New Member

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    So what's the entire story?

    From the details you give us, how exactly are you lying to her? You told her you had some friends over to drink, and that's pretty much what you were doing. Just cause you left out some minor details (poker and the fight) doesn't mean you're lying. Now if you had a stripper over, that'd be a different story.

    Seems like she's overreacting to the extreme. Having a guy's night gathering is nothing she should be getting upset about...unless you have a gambling problem, and she's upset that you're playing poker.

    So she's considering separating with you because you left out a few details she didn't need to know about? What, does she tell you to write a journal about every single little thing you do when she's not there?

    And she got upset with you because you created a Myspace page? To me, it sounds like she's unstable and/or overcontrolling. If she's considering separation because of those two minor occurances, then you're either better off separated, or you two need counseling.
     
  5. Anudist

    Anudist Turnin' Jesus on, one lightswitch at a time.

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    You have to start being honest with your wife. To hell with you being worried about her freaking out, you TELLING her is a ton better than her finding out on her own. Anger multiplies that way. I would suggest you both see a counselor at least once. Have a mediator there and let her get her issues out. She's obviously worried about something else.

    She may have an underlying feeling of you possibly cheating on you. After all, if you lied to her about a stupid myspace page, and a party, what else could you be lying about?

    You have to prove to her that you are trustworthy, you kinda blew it.
     
  6. Javi

    Javi New Member

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    Well, the issue isn't about having the friends over, the issue is the lie itself. She's okay with people coming over and playing poker while she's not around, it's just the fact that I didn't tell her about it, yet continued to lie when confronted with it.

    From her point of view, is that I'm lying about this, what else is there that I'm lying about?

    I'm not trying to hide anything.
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    If this is all that happened, why on earth would you feel the need to lie about it?
     
  8. RedDawg

    RedDawg Well-Known Member

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    why did you feel you had to lie about her, would she have been upset that you had friends over to play poker?

    I dont understand why you even lied in the first place
     
  9. Javi

    Javi New Member

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    Well, the marriage hasn't been too good lately. We haven't had sex since October. She had some surgery done in November to get rid of some fibroids, which took her out for more than a month. Then I went on a trip to Vegas with my father, which she was okay about. Then she went out of town the following week to visit her relatives that she hasn't seen in years. Then she got sick, then I got sick. As I'm getting better, she has to go out of town for a store opening. Throw the myspace issue in between all that, and there you have it.
     
  10. Javi

    Javi New Member

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    I wanted to avoid the confrontation about telling her about it in advance. It was pretty much a last-minute thing, so I didn't get a chance to tell her. From there, it just snowballed to what it is now. Like I said, the marriage was in a rough spot to begin with, and I didn't want another thing to pile upon it.
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Then she's right to be considering a separation/divorce.

    You wanted to avoid what probably would have been nothing or just a minor fight. So you lie, and you lie about something there was no reason to lie about.

    You tried to avoid a problem instead of dealing with it, and created a worse problem by doing so.

    She's probably doing the right thing.
     
  12. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    Waht the fuck? That makes very little sense.... ok continue.
    what the fuck was the lie?

    why did you lie about myspace? did you just not tell her or did she ask and you dodge it?

    quit being an ass and lying to her

    what the fuck went wrong @ the party? does the wife only allow you a certain number of guests over per month ? kuz if thats the case you are better off.


    well then stop acting like it.

    good luck working this all out. but i dont get why you lied in the first place.
     
  13. Javi

    Javi New Member

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    She's raised that suspicion when we were talking. Now she thinks I could have been lying throughout our relationship, which is not true.
     
  14. Javi

    Javi New Member

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    The lie was that I didn't tell her about poker and watching the fight and didn't tell her the amount of people that came by.
    I didn't tell her at first - she eventually found it on her own. I'd long since forgotten about it by the time it came up. I hardly even updated it.

    Guys, I know I did wrong, and I'm embarrassed about it. I'm already considering therapy sessions since I do think there are underlying issues that I may not even be aware about.

    From this standpoint, I know this is solely my fault, and I'm trying desperately to fix this.
     
  15. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    the thing you need to realize though, is that she MAY be done. She may have reached the point of no return.

    I know it's harsh, but it is possible that this won't be fixed.
     
  16. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Will try, but be aware sometimes solutions are blunt and direct, but I'll try not to be brutal.

    Fair enough, a guys night.

    You omitted some information, but it was accurate enough (aside from saying a "couple" which is only 2) to be true rather than deception. Did you say "some" friends, or a couple?

    Did you say a couple?

    Are confrontations common in this relationship? These are quite unreasonable things to create melodramatic displays.

    First of all, who is the dominant one in this relationship? It appears she is. Why do you lie? Is there a particular consequence (Confrontation) you've faced before when telling the truth? Does the truth, your needs, wants, often get swept to the side and condemned when you present the truth?
     
  17. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    What do you mean you "continued" to lie when confronted about Poker/Fight night?

    I'm not sure what you're saying here. You're telling me she thinks you're lying, but you're not you think?
     
  18. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    just relax. dont down play this and Change or you will lose her sooner rather than later.
     
  19. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Are these the reasons the marriage hasn't been good, or is there more to this?

    How did she find out about the myspace page, and when she asked you about it -- you said "no" -- even though she could easily have sought the page?

    Explain to me how this situation unraveled.
     
  20. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Not telling her in advance is fine. You did nothing wrong. If the house was clean, and everything was in order -- aside from the bottle on the steps, there is nothing wrong with what you did.

    However, if you lied to her when she asked you specifically what had gone on, and you said "Just a couple" friends -- that's lying. It's a small lie, but none the less a lie. I however being reasonable and flexible would not get bent out of shape. She however did, so I'd like to root out which part is the issue.

    I'm still not sure how being ill, distance between you, and no sex -- means the marriage was in a rough spot? What exactly do you mean about it being rough?
     
  21. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    If what you've told is entirely accurate, then she's reacting intensely. It could be something else going on with her, perhaps she's taking out anger and aggression on you for something that she in-fact has done.

    I can't tell however.
     
  22. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    She didn't need to know you were playing poker or watching the game, unless there was something detrimental or some predetermined commitment you made in which you would do neither. You have a right to your own life, your own hobbies and interests and to spend time with your friends in your home.

    Lying about the amount of people coming over is where I'm confused. What exactly did you say? "Some, a couple, a few,"

    So you never told her that you had the event at all? There is nothing wrong with that, unless you lied when she asked you "So how are you, what did you do while I was away, and you said "Nothing."

    I'm really confused, what exactly did you do wrong? The lies you told aren't the issue here it appears. It appears the reasons you told some lies (tiny ones mind you), was because of confrontation. Is she often confrontational with you?

    I'm not so sure.
     
  23. Javi

    Javi New Member

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    Well I specifically said two names. It turned out to be up to about ten total people.

    Actually, there are lots of confrontations, about a lot of things. Things that she perceives the relationship to be, things that I perceive the relationship to be, my hobbies, and of course the sex thing.

    I guess you could say that I'm the passive one in the relationship. We're both headstrong and stubborn. Yet I don't like to argue, and often I concede my position just to end the confrontation (argument). It just seems that there are a lot of things she doesn't like about what I do. And yes, some of the needs,wants do get swept aside.
     
  24. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    So you said you had a "couple" basically, then named two people, but you omitted the other 8. Is that right? Did she ask if more people came over?

    Could you explain to me how the average confrontation starts, escalates and peaks and finally ends? Tell me which hobbies, and how you perceive the relationship to be. Also what exactly is the problem you're encountering regarding sex?

    Well, clearly there are always two sides of the street. You must keep your side clean, which means improving your communication skills. There is a thread called "Feeling Unappreciated" -- read the two links I provided. Print them out if you wish. Clearly your method of communication needs work, so do your boundaries -- as it's clear she's trampling a lot of them. I don't hold her responsible for the boundaries not being enforced. I hold you responsible.

    She's responsible for a number of things too, but we aren't her, and she isn't here. So we'll focus on you.
     
  25. Javi

    Javi New Member

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    There's more.


    I've had a myspace page for awhile. At first, I did it because everyone had one, and also checked to see if she had one. After some time, it turns out that she created one for her friends/family. Well the thought never really occurred to me that I still had one, since it was barely used. Well one day I was about, and I guess she stumbled upon it. Being confronted about it, I panicked, and said I didn't have one. So I got home, and it was one the screen. By then I wasn't even so sure myself when I actually created the page, but then a blog that was dated was shown. We argued for a while about it (when it was created, the purpose of the page - mind you, it was not for meeting other women, the profile clearly states that I am married), and had to sleep in separate rooms for a couple of days.
     

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