FRK Lurker needing advice

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by wicked blades, Aug 18, 2009.

  1. wicked blades

    wicked blades New Member

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    Ok. So just to put this out on the table, I'm scared shitless right now. I already know that is part of my problem, but I really need some help. My hubby, who most of you know as Sociopath, told me to ask here because everyone in this section is supportive and such. I suppose I am officially coming out of the OT closet here, because I have been a member here for a long time and now I'm telling everyone 1. I'm female and 2. married to another member. Ok, I will stop with the rambling and get to the damned point.
    So, I am the older of both me and the hubby. I have experienced a bit more than him, I think. There have been experiences I have had in the past such as: being with another girl (which I very much enjoyed), having 3-ways (both with two guys, and with two girls) and did not have good experiences in either situation, and being with a guy for almost a year where every other day he wanted nothing more than to stick his dick in my ass (that got old really fast I will tell you).
    Now I have this issue with not knowing what I want in the bedroom. I don't know how to ask for things that I do want. When he tells me to ask for what I want everything suddenly flies out of my head and I get embarrassed. There are things that he does already that really make me tingle and I find myself only wanting those things. I have this very defined comfort zone, and I'm afraid to step out of it. He wants me to be a bit more dominant, if for nothing more than to give him some sort of variety. I already control most of the things in the house, because he is the one that works and is in the military. I feel bad when I try to control things in the bedroom after controlling everything else all day. Then when I do control things, it seems like I either do everything wrong or take it too far. I start to get angry and see other people that have treated me badly in the past and I feel like I am taking all of that out on him. I become afraid that I will hurt him, and that it will be on purpose. I will feel sorry afterward, but won't really mean it.
    There is something inside me that wants to ask for more, but I don't know how to put the words together when I get the thought in my head. I want to be more dominant, but it scares me. I feel like I would just be walking down the same road I've already walked so many times before, and all those other roads led to disaster.
    Yes, I know that he is not those people. Yes, I know that he is different. We got married after all, and he has actually stayed around even through all of my crazy phases. He has been my biggest support in anything that I have ever wanted to do, and I love him immensely; more and more every day.
    He scares me to be quite honest. He wants me to ask him for what I want, when all I want is him, any way I can get him. I can't believe I am telling everyone this. I must sound like a complete idiot.
    So, here are my questions, I spose.
    1. How does one start becoming a bit more dominant in baby steps?
    2. How do I get my brain to stop freezing up and just tell him what I want?
    Should I just jump him one day and strap him down to the bed and have my way? It's not like we don't have all these toys laying around that aren't being used because I'm a big chicken shit. Hell, I can't even get him to take out the trash, why would I expect him to follow orders in bed? (Sorry babe, you told me to be truthful. :wtc:)
    Any advice for the blubbering, rambling lurker would be much appreciated.
    Sorry for the very long post. :eek4:
     
  2. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    my mind goes blank when put on the spot too, it's natural (I hope.. if not then at least 2 of us are crazy).

    i guarantee that if you strap him to the bed and have your way with him he'll enjoy it. I'm sure he is already fantasising about it. baby steps? blindfold him without warning and do nice things to him. he'll get a kick out of it because he doesn't know what's coming next. also, you could punish him for not taking the rubbish out. i'm sure he'd love some "discipline" for being disobedient (although it might not help with your trash problem :rofl: )

    if he's in the military he obviously likes being controlled so i don't think there is such a thing as going too far :mamoru: you have heaps of military phrases just begging to be used in the bedroom! "now drop and give me 20" should get you started :)

    you need to push outside your comfort zone. I am busy doing it in another area of life and some days it scares me shitless too but if I don't do it now I'll be chicken shit forever so I have to push the boundaries back. :hug:
     
  3. Lovely Atlantis

    Lovely Atlantis Luscious Lovely Lady!

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    Hi Wicked Blades!! It's so great to "meet" you. I don't really have any advice for you as far as being dominant goes because I am totally submissive. However, I was wanting to say that it sounds like you have an amazingly supportive hubby so I wouldn't worry that much. Step back, take a deep breath, and trust that he loves you and won't get upset with you if you try something out and it back fires. Do whatever comes naturally to you and he will appreciate it because it's YOU and he loves you. :hug:
     
  4. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    Where to begin......

    Sorry that your experiences with sharing did not work out, some of us had to wait until we found the right "others" and then try again.

    No you DON'T sound like a complete idiot, you sound like most of us when we started trying to figure some things out!

    Baby steps. Blind fold him, lay him on the bed... use a feather, a piece of fur or feed him fruits, chocolate and then you :naughty:. My GF & I tied the BF to a chair once, blindfolded him and then gave him an alternating BJ (try Hot & Cold since it is just you). Tie Socio to a chair and make him watch you masterbate, maybe with a toy...talk dirty and tease him :x:.

    My BF asked me to tell him what I want. I started making a list (in code, so if anyone else sees it they can't read it) so I won't forget to tell him, but if writing it down is easier for you... write him an erotic story with you two as the main characters doing the things you'd like to try.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2009
  5. HouseLing

    HouseLing When masturbations lost its fun you'r fucking lazy

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    Honestly, have you thought about therapy? Its sounds like you might have a bit more going on in your head than you realize on the surface :dunno:
     
  6. wicked blades

    wicked blades New Member

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    Wow! Thanks guys! I really didn't expect so much support! Very nice to "meet" all of you as well, btw. lol. Well Socio is off at AT until saturday, but when he gets home he's already got plans for me. Course Sunday is free for me to try some things out....;)
    Think I'm going to get me a notebook and start writing ideas down!
     
  7. wicked blades

    wicked blades New Member

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    HouseLing,
    Been through therapy more times that I care to recall. I know that this problem is all in my head, and it's just a barrier I have to break through. I am just having trouble getting that wall down. I created this comfort zone for myself, after some very bad things have happened to me in my life, and now it's time for me to come out of it. Thanks for the thought though!
     
  8. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    I can relate. My man says the same thing to me. He wants me to be more dominant in the bedroom. And he asks me "What's your fantasy?" and, I say "To be honest, I don't have many that we aren't already doing."

    So, no you're not crazy. Those feelings are totally valid.

    I've found that we work better when I actively just take control. Like, I'll come home from work and initiate sex in the kitchen right when I get home. Or the alarm will go off in the morning and I'll just start having sex with him. He likes the spontanaity of it all... and that I'm taking charge.

    Also, I've done a lot of thinking about what I'd like to do and I've communicated that to him when we're not intimate (so that I don't forget). So, we talk about those things I want to try, and then we take steps to try it.

    So, I guess I'd say:
    1) You need to step outside of your comfort zone, take initiative and be spontaneous. It's not easy at all. But, he'll appreciate it.
    2) You need to sit down and brainstorm about things you'd like to try with him and then communicate those things to him so that he can help you achieve those goals.

    He sounds like he really wants to help you through this, which is wonderful. And it sounds like he's being patient, so that's good too.


    The trash is an entirely different story. If you want him to take out the trash, ask him to take out the trash. It's likely he doesn't even notice that the trash needs to be emptied, even though he walks right by the full barrel (same as my man). But, if you ask him to take out the trash, I'll bet he'd be happy to do it. Some men just need to be asked to help around the house.
     
  9. wicked blades

    wicked blades New Member

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    Sam,
    Thank you for the advice! As soon as he gets home I'm going to start trying some things on him. He's already told me that saturday is his day, but sunday is all for me. :big grin:
    As far as the garbage goes, I do ask him...lol. He usually says yeah, i'll do it in a little bit. Three days later, after asking him each day, I usually just take it out. We have been together for 9 years now, and I have yet to see him take the trash out. LOL. Course he did do the dishes...once. lol. Maybe I should start a rewards system for him like we have set up for the kids. He takes the garbage out, he gets a treat. ;)
     
  10. suhrim21

    suhrim21 New Member

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    wicked blades, I have gone through the same thing as you. I was always submissive when it comes to females. I would also never voice my oppinion as that was my comfort zone. I wouldnt try anything new eventhough I had a lot of ideas in my head. A lot of that was because of my insecurities with my medical condition. now to the point on how I overcame this. After I meet my wife and we got married, I started slow, and I am still moving slow. What I have done is taken one thing i wanted to try and talked about it. then did it. now I am continueing to do the same thing untill I and my wife are comfortable doing it. Once we are both comfortable we try something new, and so on.

    On a side note you have taken the first step to unleash the inner you. to break out of the comfort zone. You realize you need to let go and remove it. I say you posting this up is the first steep. Now just take things one small step at a time. talk about it before its in the heat of the moment so that when the time comes you dont need to have a long discussion and do it then as you get comfortable you can be more vocal about it.
     
  11. wicked blades

    wicked blades New Member

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    Wow, thanks! Kinda reminds me of rehab in a way...lol. The first step is admitting that you have a problem. lol. Baby steps is the best way to go for me I think. I have tons of stuff in my head, but just can't blurt it out on command. It gets frustrating for both me and Socio. I know that when we do have conversations about anything sexual, and we are just sitting around and chatting, it is usually him that gets me going. He will talk about something he wants to try, and that brings up something in my head and we just build on it.
    Thanks for the awesome advice!
     
  12. FairyTat

    FairyTat Anticipation, the taste of things to cum

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    As a Dominant that started as a submissive I understand your hesitation. All I can reccomend is that you use what you already know. Are there things you like for him to do that he usually has to be convinced to do? Are there areas of his body that are usually a no no area for you to explore? Find things that test his limits. Threaten him with the possibility of no orgasm if he doesn't submit. blindfold him, tie him up and then touch and lick him everywhere but directly on his cock for an extended length of time. After about 1/2 hour he'll be ready to beg.

    In the beginning I found it much easier to be dominant when my partner was blindfolded. I also used silence or very curt instructions so I wouldn't have to talk so much (because I wasn't sure what to say!).
     
  13. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Hmmm, good question. I might suggest filling out something like a bdsm checklist. This will allow you to express your interests in doing something different without having to formally verbalize it or be put on the spot. You can fill out the paper checklist on your own and then hand it to sociopath and either a) have a discussion about different things or b) tell him that he can sort of pick from the list and we can try different things. I think that would be the best starting point. I think for you, it would appear that you are having a struggle with verbalizing things in person. I totally get that. It can feel a bit awkward. Therefore, I feel you need to begin through written stuff: checklist, email, etc.

    Alright here, is a great checklist that you might want to check out.

    http://www.bdsmcircle.net/dslifestyle/checklist.htm

    As for the dominant bit, you could have him fill it out as well and this will give you an idea of the type of thing that he is interested in :). As others have said, baby steps. First you have to become more comfortable with the activities. This is where the paper stuff comes in handy. Slowly expand from there...both with what you want and what he wants. Finally, some people just are not dominant. Not saying you are not, just that you may try hard and not reach that point. Nothing wrong with that. Good Luck!
     
  14. wicked blades

    wicked blades New Member

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    Fairy Tat and Bubba Atlantis,
    Thank you so much. Bubba, thanks for the checklist. This will definitely help! And the blindfold idea, Fairy Tat, genious! Perhaps I will add that in on Sunday. He won't know what hit him.

    P.S. Fairy Tat, I loved reading your story! Gave me a few ideas too. Really hoping to read more.
     
  15. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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  16. Mr. Monopoly

    Mr. Monopoly OT Supporter

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    I've heard wonderful things about a book called "The Mistress Manual." It's available as a download if you google it and don't want to spend the cash.
     
  17. FairyTat

    FairyTat Anticipation, the taste of things to cum

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    Download for free? I couldn't find it. Can you post the link? I'd like to read it also. I've heard that title mentioned by several people.
     
  18. Mr. Monopoly

    Mr. Monopoly OT Supporter

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  19. Drunken Karnie Midget

    Drunken Karnie Midget In Yeo We Trust, All Others Pay Cash OT Supporter

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    Taking out the trash = an un-fun chore... sex on the other hand... well is sex. :hsugh:


    And for the record, i'm not wanting her to be the dom, just to be able to switch up the roles on occasion. What i'd really like to see, is for you to be more assertive towards that which you want. i'm not a mind reader, i know there's more in there than what you've told me (prior to you writing this thread anyway) i just don't have any more ideas. ;)

    LIES!
    truestory.


    Good list... but a couple of questions: canning english = Actually beating the partner with a cane? few other questions, but i'm too damn tired to go through them. :hs:
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2009
  20. wicked blades

    wicked blades New Member

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    Take out the trash and we'll see what happens. ;):x:
     
  21. *Anthony*

    *Anthony* New Member

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    Sociopath, I can relate to what you are wanting. My SO seems to think that I should make all the decisions. When, in all actuality, all I want to do is satisfy whatever it is that she needs/wants. I want to get inside of her fantasies and turn them into realities. But, I cannot get her to be confident enough to put what she wants out in the open.

    One step that I have noticed is helping is to make certain that I make my wishes very clear. The more risque the wish, the more she seems to come out of her shell. But, the moment that I try to change things up or modify my wish, she begins to think that it is something that she is doing wrong. So, if you haven't already tried this, give it a go. Just follow a baby step with a baby step and not a 3 foot stride. I hope this helps.
     
  22. bigfodee

    bigfodee Active Member

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    This is probably one of the dumber things I have read in life.
     
  23. Drunken Karnie Midget

    Drunken Karnie Midget In Yeo We Trust, All Others Pay Cash OT Supporter

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    yeah, it's pretty far off the mark.
     
  24. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    Welcome Beth :wavey:
    Please go to the getting to know you thread and tell us a bit about yourself.
     
  25. Drunken Karnie Midget

    Drunken Karnie Midget In Yeo We Trust, All Others Pay Cash OT Supporter

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    Fucking :naughty:
    :nono: you must've skipped the part where i said i wasn't interested (much) in being dominated, only that i wanted her to be more assertive about her desires, and vocalizing it.
    i'm not opposed to this... :hsugh:
     

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