SRS LTR ended reaching out for help

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by DIAFatty, Jan 11, 2009.

  1. DIAFatty

    DIAFatty Guest

    i am going through a very difficult time in my life right now, my gf who i considered my wife of 6 years has left me and has found another man. simply put its more than my heart can take. its been a week now and im not feeling any better infact im feeling worse, since monday ive been very close several times to ending my life as i feel i will never be happy without her. i have tried everything to get my wife back, its all been in vain, i cant sleep i cant eat i dont think things will get better. ive reached out for help to family members and friends but not even that makes me feel better, the more time that goes on, the more i feel like ending my life is the right course of action, i truely feel as thou i dont have anything to life for, my heart is so broken so scarred that i will never be able to love another human being again. i know for a fact, i know myself very well, i know i wont be happy without her, i know there are millions of other people in this world but they all fall short. she was everything i had in life, these might sound like crazy thought to someone loooking in but these are some of the most rational thoughts i ever think ive had. im reaching out in some sorta last attempt, thou i fear it may be in vain, i know i need help, badly. my heart cannot bear the thought of my wife, my life partner being with another man.
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I'll give you some things to think about:

    It's only been a week, of course you are still hurting and in incredible pain.

    You can't let her life control hers. If you end it, what does that say? It says "I believe my life is nothing without you". I know that's not true. I'm not saying it's going to be quick or easy, but your life will still be worth living.

    One more thing. If she tries to get back together with you, for whatever reason, DO NOT TAKE HER BACK.
     
  3. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I know it hurts man, I've been in the same exact situation, 6 years exactly in-fact. It hurts like hell, and she too took up with another guy immediately. In-fact he had been talking to her online, just waiting.

    It was really bad, one of the worst things I've experienced emotionally.

    It's grief, it's like losing someone you love to death. Sometimes death would actually be easier, because in those cases you know they didn't willingly want to leave. That's how I felt. But it's going to pass, it will improve. This is the worst part, and you will be able to love again, but right now that isn't what you need to be thinking about.

    Grief comes in hard and fast for some of us, like you and me, and it's acute, like being stabbed and having someone just twisting the knife until you can't bear it. The people we love in our lives aren't "all" of us, we are not defined by them no matter how much we try to convince ourselves. They are not a beating heart, a left leg, a mind -- they are not apart of who we intrinsically are in the illusion we imagine. We're still here, they're still here, and you're still here, when that emotional and psychological bond is broken. Whether a death, the loss of a relationship, or other powerful pain inducing grief, those experiencing it are still here, and the meaning of our suffering is to decide whether that person's choice should define our next decision. When my finance did what she did, my feelings were so intense. At first I was angry and then I experienced a lot of depression. I felt like dying too, it's sometimes just a response to intense grief, but that's all it is. I blamed myself, I blamed her, I blamed my circumstances, I blamed the guy she moved in with, I wrote letters, I wrote blogs, I wrote her friends, I wrote and wrote, and I appeared to everyone around me, as though I were some pathetic fool. The truth was, I was wounded, I was behaving like someone trying to survive by making sense of "Why?"

    Her parents blamed me, her friends blamed me, strangers blamed me in response to my blogs, people here on OT blamed me. That's exactly how it goes. From some people's perspective, the intense grief was not understood.

    Of course everyone I thought I was friends with (Her friends were my friend, or so I thought). When it comes down to it, they weren't mine, they were hers, every single one.

    And who was there for me? My closest friends, some people on OT, my family, and my counselor. That's right, I talked with all these people. I had to depend on others to survive. They were my doctors, tending to my wounds, carrying me, but they can't be there eternally, they had their own lives, jobs, relationships -- and while they gave me as much attention as possible, sometimes -- a lot of the time -- I had to just survive.

    You'll survive this if you choose to take it one moment at a time, and to just let yourself feel the grief. Whether you or she did whatever was done,..... it's over now. You experienced the wound, and now it's time to start healing. Healing is always a real bitch, because for awhile, we've gotta depend on our doctors, pop pain killers, watch movies, cry in frustration, especially if the pain is strong, but we lay there, and we feel helpless, and sometimes hopeless asking the question "How long will it take? What's the prognosis Doc?" And the doctor says "However long it takes, each person is different when this type of wound is inflicted."

    Your pain killer needs to be constructive, takes breaks between the grief. Keep busy and then rest and then feel the pain. You can't feel it all alone continually, otherwise it will get worse. Talking helps if only to pass another second, minute, or hour. That's one minute closer to the pain subsiding.

    When you're alone in between all this, then you cry, then you beg, then you ask "Why." -- and then you lay in bed depressed again, then you get angry again. You'll go back and forth, but your future doesn't end just because a lover is lost. Don't believe any of the horseshit anyone else tries to feed you, telling you how "simple" it is, or how they didn't cry, or they didn't blame or the didn't also experience the grief process when one of their bonds were broken. Don't believe the lies about how they fucked another girl and suddenly the pain was gone and that's how they moved on. It doesn't work that way. The stronger the bond you had with the person, the stronger the pain, so if they didn't cry, mope, get depressed and feel things like this, then the person really didn't matter that much to them. Don't accept the pride or advice of fools. What is real, is what you are experiencing.

    I know you think you know yourself, but if that were true, you'd know from the outside looking in -- from those of us on the outside looking in -- that what you're talking about, feeling and experiencing, it all seems rational and reasonable -- but grief is never reasonable, it's messy and painful. You're not crazy, but you're not thinking clearly in your suffering, and that's why it's important to listen to others who have been there.

    Those who care about you, and even us who may not know you -- will reach out too, but you have to choose to take a hand. Reaching isn't enough, you have to be willing to close your hand around anothers, and to grap on tightly. It's not enough to stretch and reach and say "I can't do it, it's too far."

    Your reach will not be in vain as long as you choose for it not to be. It's one thing to try to get someone back in your life and to have them reject you, then yes that can be in vain and painful, but that choice wasn't yours, you didn't have control over the outcome. Now you have control over whether you reach out and grap on.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2009
  4. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    You are wrong. You can and will be happy without her. Every person who has lost someone they cared about has gone through the exact same process, and every one has been wrong about never being happy again.

    Why didn't you propose to her if you wanted her to be your wife?
     
  5. wrwarwick

    wrwarwick OT Supporter

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    I am almost in the exact same situation, I feel the exact same things...we gotta stay strong man...
     
  6. CanteenBoy

    CanteenBoy OT Supporter

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    Be strong. It WILL get better eventually. similar thing happened to me and it took me a year to get to the point where i hated her instead of just missing her. I was in bad shape for a while. Now i hope i never see her again, and she knows it. sucks how a person can go from somebody that youd rather spend time with above everyone else, to somebody you never want to see or talk to again.

    grr.

    Learn to love yourself. Improve yourself. If something in your life is bothering you, use this anger/energy to fix it. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to, long term. Find a new hobby. Reconnect with those that you lost time with while you were spending all your time with her. You never know what could happen. Just dont give up. good luck man.
     
  7. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    Easier said than done with the incredible amount of pain you must be going through. Actually, probably almost impossible to do. I've been in a similar situation and I did alot of stupid things...anything I could do to stop the feelings I was having.

    Keep yourself as strong as possible. Surround yourself with friends, and keep as busy as possible to keep your mind distracted. It will be a long healing process, but you will be stronger for it in the end.
     
  8. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    Make sure to take this into serious consideration when you receive advice from people. It's rather counterproductive in this situation to believe someone who would tell you something like the above, and make you feel like you're overreacting. If you lose someone that you love deeply, the grieving process can be quite serious.
     
  9. DIAFatty

    DIAFatty Guest

    im so fucked up right now i dont know what the fuck to do with my life
     
  10. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I'd recommend going for a jog or beating up a punching bag. Your body's natural response to emotional trauma is anger, and you aren't working through it if you're sitting around
     
  11. Ricky

    Ricky █▄ █▄█ █▄ ▀█▄

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    went through something similar.

    except it was only 2 years and i suffer from clinical depression (hereditary). Its not easy. Not really sure what else to tell you cause if you were anything like me, you tried everything.

    Only suggestion is hang in there. If you've hit the bottom, there isnt much worse that can happen. It can only get better if you give it some time, trust me :o

    It took me about 2 months or so now i believe. Im still having a hard time coping with it, even with a new "gf" and college keeping me occupied.

    What really helped me was finding something that kept me occupied. Lots of people usually suggest working out, which is pretty good for some people since it supposdly released enzyms or w/e theyre called :o

    Didn't really work for me. I stared looking into hobbies. I found DJing was great for me since it allowed me to do it in the comfort of my room. Im sure there's something out there to help keep your mind off it

    not really sure what else to say :o. Im sure there's a huge age gap between up but i hope for the best and just know that you're stronger then to just give up
     
  12. Ricky

    Ricky █▄ █▄█ █▄ ▀█▄

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    oh yeah. dont forget to completely end all contact :o

    That really helped with me. I blocked her number, deleted her texts. Packed up pics (who knows maybe one day you'll want to look back and laugh it away) and so on. Last thing you'd want to do is see how she's moving on.

    :o
     
  13. Spinkick

    Spinkick Active Member

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    This was really well done!
     
  14. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I'm going to be blunt, you DO NOT "NEED" her to live or to be happy. The problem is somewhere down your relationship you forgot the joy you can have with and by yourself and you became 'dependent' on her. As you became dependant on her you became more needy, probably hurt and resentful. She has probably moved on because she did not feel appreciated or did not feel like you were the same person she had met (someone who is healthy)

    It is unhealthy to "NEED" someone else to make you whole and healthy, that comes from YOU. If you need her to make you whole and healthy what possible could you provide in return? if you are broken, how can you expect it to work?

    I am in a VERY similar situation right now.

    The best thing you can do is, keep busy and work on rediscovering yourself. If and once you do and enough time has passed (2-4months) you will feel much better and only then will you realize you do not NEED anyone, and maybe somewhere down the line find someone you feel even stronger about.
     

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