SRS Lost the spark..

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by aagelly, Jan 24, 2008.

  1. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    Recently me and my SO have had some problems...one of the biggest is that he says the spark is gone. But there are still feelings there.

    Has anyone ever gone through this with their SO? How did you change it? In your opinion, can it be changed?

    Serious responses only please.
     
  2. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    What type of spark are we talking about? Physical chemistry, emotional, intellectual -- is it routine, boring, what is it?
     
  3. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    He just says the excitement isnt there anymore and that he doesnt think about me all day like he used to. We still have sex and he still cuddles with me at night...but hes mentioned that he feels its beginning to get routine.


    I've been trying to get him to come out with me and get him out of the house for a while now, but he'd rather stay at home and play Halo 3 (hes addicted).

    I think it is because it's the mid year point and the infatuation is gone and now the actual relationship is kicking in, but I can't be sure if I am just making that excuse to make myself feel better or if it is the truth.
     
  4. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Do you feel that way as well?

    Perhaps you ought to go out on your own. More independence and time apart from each other can often reignite the spark. Sexual exploration in the bedroom can be a fantastic way to get excitment flowing too. Visit a sex shop together, rent DVD porn, blind fold each other -- these are just basic ideas, you can get creative on your own. I think if you have hobbies of your own -- activities that will you some space between you, would also help. He has to be willing to invest effort too. Relationships take work, they wither away when not nurtured. You can't stick a healthy plant in a dark room without any water or light and expect it to flourish. The same thing happens when you're in an apartment or house with each other all the time, there is no motivation to want to be together, since you always are -- so the moments lose significance.

    Date nights can be injected into the time apart -- setting time aside to not only be together, but "communicate" together, such as out to dinner. I do not mean "watching DVD's or other passive activities. I'm talking about activities which bring you together to bond over and over.

    Well that usually happens. Most people go through what you are, but it's whether or not the "love" is there that keeps the relationship going. Love is a verb, in relationships you have to "actively" demonstrate it, but that means often putting space between you. It's loving to separate, to nourish yourself independently, and then return to give affection and a little time together, then separate again.

    Incorporate some of these ideas together -- you both have to be willing to. If he's not willing to, but you are -- it's time to have the "talk" about possibly moving on with your lives separately.
     
  5. 2500

    2500 Guest

    Me and my BF hit that point also. "The honeymoon is over" type thing. I believe thats when dating turns into a LTR. We hit a point, at about our 6 or 7 month mark where I would just play counterstrike all day, and we would get food, maybe watch a movie, and sleep. He would DL music all day, and we'd sit in the apartment. The honeymoon was over. Now it was just life. Eating, sleeping, and bills. It concerned him more than me because I've been in a few other LTR and I knew they sometimes lost their spark. Once it was out in the open, and I told him there was nothing to worry about, after about our 1 year to 1 year 4 month area, things started picking back up and it didn't have that dating feeling, it had more of a "I'm going out with my husband" type feeling. I dunno, its kinda weird I guess. There is hope though. Now me and my SO have our issues, don't get me wrong. Hi 13 page thread about my life, lol. But, the thing is, when we're not dealing with few problems we have, we're back to wanting to go out and do all this different stuff. Of course, money is really tight right now due to a move coming up, but, we find ways to keep ourselves busy. One thing that helped us, was knowing sometimes people need alone time. We spent 24/7 together, had sex 5+ times a day, and I think we just had too much of each other. Once things chilled, and we were able to have some alone time, we realized we still wanted the time together and it picked back up. Probably as a blessing in disguise, right now we do have alot of alone time, not by choice, but, the time we do get together is 99% of the time really great.
     
  6. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    I haven't felt any spark since he has gotten the 360 (about 3 weeks ago) and I brought it up to him that I felt our relationship was being neglected. He basically told me what I have said previously.

    As far as going out and doing things..we have explored sexually before and have gone out for drinks and dinner a few times over the past 3 weeks, but to me it seems more like hanging out with friends.

    I've been staying away quite a bit, not to mention I have school 2 nights a week until after 9:00. When I get home hes playing Halo and he gets aggravated when I ask him to take some time away from the game and communicate with me.

    I guess I am answering my own questions. I feel as though I am trying to put forth a lot of effort into making things shape up with no return from him. I guess it just takes verbally (or "cyber"ly) admitting it for you to realize the truth. Blah...now I feel shitty.
     
  7. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    I have been in a few LTR's myself...his longest was a little over a year. This is true, but were you BOTH showing effort to make a change, or was it just yourself?

    His birthday is tomorrow..at this point Im not sure what I should even do for him. We were so strong and now its down in the dumps. I dont want to seem desperate to get him to try but at the same time I dont want to slack off and just let things go.
     
  8. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Quite possibly one of the most amazing analogies I've ever read.
     
  9. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    It is unfortunate. You can do your best and still lose, it's apart of life and relationships unfortunately.
     
  10. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I know, I'm brilliant. :o
     
  11. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    I concur...
     
  12. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    This depends on many factors, but yes if there was ever chemistry/spark then it can definitely be brought back. Nothing lasts for ever, chemistry does not, neither does the lack of it. If you truly want to know why it's gone begin to deduce what was different back then, and what is different now.

    Complaisance? Fall comfort? Lack of Creativity/Surprise?

    TO be honest all it takes is to THINK! differently, as apposed to thinking "Gee, I don't feeling anything" begin to consciously look at her through different eyes, tell yourself, woah she's beautiful, think about all the good things you enjoy about her and used to, think about doing wonderful things together and DO them, surprise her etc...... vise-versa

    It's all in your HEAD, your brain controls the endorphins. You control your brain.
     
  13. 2500

    2500 Guest

    It went back and forth. At first, it was all him trying. After a while, he became routined in doing nothing, so then it was me trying. Now after all this time, we both try. He is more sidetracked with work right now, so, I try a little harder, but we both show some effort.
     
  14. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    I think maybe a combination of all 3. But like I said, its been increasingly difficult to break him away from the television. Maybe this is the only way to "escape" from the hardships of his job and life in general, so I dont say too much about it. However, I know he sees that it bothers me when its continuous.
     
  15. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    How did you find the strength? Didn't it feel like fighting a losing battle?
     
  16. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    my girl is in vietnam

    would it be cruel if I didn't call her for a couple of days? just to let her miss me
     
  17. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    IMO it depends on your relationship. Personally if I was that far away, I wouldnt expect a phone call everyday. But if I wouldnt hear from my bf at least once or twice a week, I would start to reconsider the relationship. Even if it is a quick "How is your week going?"

    But again, thats just me
     
  18. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    Well, I have been texting her a lot, calling her.. she hasn't been texting and calling me really much at all..

    So I was thinking ok.. i'll let you wonder a little bit why im not calling you, make you think a bit.. she can call me i'll answer but I figure maybe i'll just not call or text her, let her comunicate for a few days
     
  19. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    Ack...mind games...they only cause trouble
     
  20. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    isn't that the common theme around these parts?
     
  21. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    The television is a completely not active, entirely vegetative activity, it results in a loss of creativity and thinking capacity, you really need to talk to him about this. It's entirely unattractive.
     
  22. aagelly

    aagelly New Member

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    Tell me about it. :(
     
  23. 2500

    2500 Guest

    Yeah, sometimes, but the battle was worth winning, so I never stopped fighting.
     
  24. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    its natural to get bored with your partner

    you want a real answer?

    just be yourself, whether things work out or not, its for the best.
     

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