SRS Lost Purpose

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Dec 29, 2008.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    When it comes down to it ... if you're unhappy, feel your life holds no meaning & you can't stand taking the same curveballs to the side of the head any more ... why would suicide NOT be an option? I've gone on fighting craziness, illness ... more than my fair share it seems & I've never felt so strongly that I want to give up. Circumstances have been far worse, but it always seemed to fuel my will to fight. Now, things are ... bland. Life is flavorless.

    I have the love & support of a future spouse. Maybe. Things have been very choppy. I'm a lot to deal with & end up making others depressed. Due to my circumstances I have extreme difficulty maintaining friendships. Even family relationships are all strained. My family is VERY unemotional. Not the kind of people who would ever invite someone in trouble to reach out to them.

    My dad is the one I'm closest to, & I usually can't speak to him frankly with my mother around ... I'm her scapegoat. She's a big hurdle. A big, mean, hurdle who siphons any remaining joy out of people. & I'm carrying on her legacy ... ugh. I feel like my future holds nothing but more of the same misery & depression I've been wading through & I don't want to do it any more. I've always thought of those who would be upset if I was gone ... but ...

    I'm more concerned with me right now. I know it's selfish, but it's come to this point. I'm not sure if I want to turn back. I'd welcome apathy right now, but I feel more strongly about not wanting to exist at all. If one really feels like checking out is the overall best option ... why consider not doing it? I don't really want to except that the flashes of me taking a knife to my wrists or swallowing a bunch of pills keep appearing & it feels like relief. Like it would just solve all of these problems that keep me from having a normal life...
     
  2. GTP

    GTP New Member

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    Let's say you decide to go through with it. What are the pros of being dead?
     
  3. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I'm in the same situation. I dealt with it by considering the pros and cons.

    Here was what I concluded. I may have difficulty believing in anything other than what I observe and what I perceive -- however, there is one fact that I felt earned my respect and that was "Possibility."

    There is the possibility that things will get worse, or that they'll stay the same -- however, there is also the possibility that things will improve. I recognized that suicide was only an option for two reasons:

    1: I was biologically prone to suicide because I had an illness which was compelling me to behave and think those thoughts, I simply didn't know what the illness was. Even with countless doctors telling me I was fine, I knew I wasn't.

    2: I felt that I had no options.


    I could not initially control the first one aside from doing what I knew was available, and so I continued with psychotherapy and medication to alleviate the depression. Nothing alleviated the depression because it was an infection driving it, however, it did provide support in order that I could keep going forward even if the treatment wasn't working. Having someone making an effort was significant.

    The second issue allowed me to recognize that scientific observations lead to conclusions that are consistent. It is consistently true that human beings are inherently unable to "know" all options available at all times in regards to the choices they make. So, it became obvious to me that there were options available that I did not know about, and so I undertook the effort to uncover them.

    It was 8 years later that I discovered I had an infectious disease that was driving all aspects of my life and the suffering I was enduring. With that knowledge came the options to treat and proceed.

    So, that is the reason I decided to choose living. I don't believe death is necessarily the wrong choice, depending on the context of the situation. Under some circumstances there simply is no option available that will be available within the time needed. Terminal illness is an example. Another example is unbearable pain which has lead to a breaking down of the individuals capacity to endure further, in-spite of knowing the possibility of recovery was present.

    Human beings aren't unbreakable. There is a time for everything real in this life based on my observations, and choosing death is sometimes better.

    It was not better for me, because as I said, I realized that even though I didn't see any options, I knew there were options outside my current perspective.

    Today It appears I have few options, and my suffering while very uncomfortable, is not unbearable to the point where death is preferred. So, I suffer, but I suffer each day being grateful for what little I do have, and the knowledge that I do not know -- therefore some option or solution may present itself. I'm a patient man as a result of what I've seen and been through, and so I will go on living and do the best I can with the tools and options that I do have.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2008
  4. 2500

    2500 Guest

    Is there a single person in this world that you truly believes loves you? Thats your reason not to do it.
     
  5. GTP

    GTP New Member

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    Metallic Blue, if you don't mind, what infection did you have that was causing your problems?
     
  6. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    if you made a decision to commit suicide logically, if that's something you truely believe in, I have no problem with it. It's your life, your body, you are free to do whatever you want with it. If it's a result of emotional disbalance, mental illness or something similar then it's not the right thing to do.
     
  7. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    who cares...you're dead
     
  8. ASoT

    ASoT New Member

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    :rofl:
     
  9. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    I think it depends on how much you enjoy this gift of being alive. I don't believe in any religion, but the fact that you exist right here, right now should be enough. I planned on killing myself when I turned 16, I didn't really care who it would affect and so on. I ended up hanging out with a good group of people who made me see a different out look on life. Even though I don't talk to them anymore, they are the reason I'm alive today.

    I can't believe I once wanted to give away my life for what? So I didn't have to "feel" anymore? I can't just walk away from this experience just yet, something else will have to take me out.
     
  10. GTP

    GTP New Member

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    Awesome :rofl:
     
  11. RachTyrTaiya

    RachTyrTaiya New Member

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    I've been there . . . hell I am kind of there right now.

    I would lay awake and have these random thoughts that too much bad shit was happening and I should just kill myself and then I would snap out of it. I'm not gonna lie to you and say everything will get better b/c the reality is bad shit is always gonna happen and knock you on your ass. I think I just hang around out of curiousity(sp?) now . . . I wanna see how all this bs pans out.

    As for you killing yourself . . . eh, I don't think you should. Do you have a lot of idle time or is there something/someone who is just really bad for you bringing you down(besides your parents who are robot-like)?
     
  12. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I've been hoping for something to take me out for a long time, but the life I lead is so limited I don't really have many opportunities for chance to step in.

    I can't even begin to explain the effects of my health problems on my emotions because there are a couple different ailments playing on them. They're not mood disorders, but mood related symptoms are a result. I've tried a lot of different medications but there hasn't been anything that doesn't bring on more unmanageable problems ... and some of those problems have lingered after the meds were discontinued. Heh. Every time I cry I get migraine headaches right after - sometimes a couple days long.

    Loved ones have been a concern it the past, but I'm pretty much moving beyond that now. I've been pushing for change, asking for help, searching for options ... but ... in the end ... I know I won't feel much different. There are possibilities, but since I've been in declining health I feel like I'm only leading myself on to consider them.
     
  13. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    You've been powerless to change the situations then, as a consequence of the limited data for your illness I suspect? I know how you feel about the limited life. I'm confined to my home a lot, and the computer, exercise bike, TV/movies, my guitar, cat are all I really have. My family lives downstairs, so I'm not entirely alone, but I have my own separate living quarters, so it's very private.

    I have a girlfriend as well and she understands my condition because she has the same thing. We both live a similar lifestyle. I'm affected more psychiatrically by my illness than she is -- she has less depression and aggression, but more paranoid and compulsive repetition and phobias. For those reading this, these psychiatric conditions are infectious disease based, not psychological.

    That sounds just like my girlfriend. I too suffer the same things you're speaking of. I don't have a lot of answers and I certainly can't fix it, but I can tell you how I survive it daily. The illness I have causes suicidal patterns, depression, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, aggression, irrational thoughts and vivid images (Often nightmarish or gruesome). Most people don't realize how serious the hell is that people with psychiatric problems endure. It's like being trapped inside your own mind, with some dark figure driving the bus, and you're forced and strapped down in the backseat. You can see yourself being aggressive, angry, irritable, or having a mood change and you know it's happening to you, and you know it's abnormal, but you can't control it. You're like a puppet on a string, dancing as the illness dictates your personality, your thoughts, your feelings etc.

    People are who they are because of physiological and biological laws that govern all other aspects of life. The rules of the universe apply to the head/mind -- not supernatural or unscientific principles, it's not some spiritual essence that makes you, you. The "you" is merely a construct of thoughts and past experiences that you identify with, which have been stored and transferred by electrical signals. You are merely a complex machine. All you are is your memories. Remove them, wipe the slate clean, and you're gone.

    When an illness or organic problem attacks the brain, you go along with it. Your mind will attempt to reorganize data as quickly as it can, including movie "you" around, but like bad sectors on a hard drive, data is lost, pieces of you, disappear. They can be replaced rather quickly in people like myself who have a chronic slow moving problem. New cells form, and new ideas are formed about old memories. Nothing which is "true" is ever present within the mind. It is always a construct of your ideas about your experience, never the real experience itself. So, like all data, it is subject to adaptation, perception, and with that, it changes.

    I am exactly in that same place. The apathy, fatigue and weariness dissolve your ability to fight, like the ocean upon the rocks. We eventually are grind like wheat on a press.

    It is possible to psychologically reinforce the break down in some cases. Using what little control you have, to create possibilities of future happiness, and finding ways to be grateful in the present, can temporarily provide relief. Relieving the constant flood of water that's pouring into your sinking ship (stress, anxiety, frustration, depression) -- which naturally occur when facing an illness which itself causes these same symptoms, is a challenge. However, when you alleviate the "normal" symptoms, the rest remain -- but this weight that is removed can revitalize me and give me more time, a little more strength psychologically, to fight on. The water will eventually flood again and I'll have to turn the sump pump on (talk it out, cry it out, therapy, medications, whatever I can to attempt to empty the stresses of being ill itself) -- all of this, I must do.

    Survival is my goal, simply because while I believe life is generally meaningless among absolute terms, I know that the meaning I give my life now at this moment is a challenge I take on. It is my "cross" so to speak.

    A triathalon is perhaps the most grueling physical challenge that currently exists, outside of dealing with a debilitating long term illness. What does someone have to be thinking to take on such a challenge like a Triathalon? It's simple, because they can. The exhaustion and pain and suffering have meaning for them, because it's inevitable along the road to finishing the race.

    Some of us -- like you and I -- can't keep running this marathon, because it's too long, too far, too hard. We can barely walk it sometimes. I've been known at times to literally crawl during this race.

    If I eventually break -- which is possible -- though my life has been filled with suffering, I have also come to know a great deal. With all my weaknesses, I have exercises the few strengths I have. Reading, writing, music -- some of it has been excellent work that I can be proud of. While it likely will never see the light of day for most people, it helped me to channel and cope with the ongoing race.

    Making commitments to God (If that's what you believe), or to yourself, or others -- can be useful sometimes. For me it was. I made a choice to live and once I make a choice I stick with it no matter what. If the illness forced me to end my own life, it would do so without my true consent. The people in my life know that. They have heard my conviction and they know though the wreckage and chaos that is my personality -- they can see the glimmer of me that is stable, peaceful, kind, sometimes annoying, sometimes loving, loyal, yet....quite normally human. Those occasional moments, inspire those closest to me to know my true character and that is important to me, because even when I lose myself -- which I must admit is quite painful -- the characteristics and concepts that I value, are embedded in this world.

    The choices I have made that have saved lives, given others meaning, love, security, and other human needs -- is something I consider meaningful. I have not done it for millions, but I've done it for some. Giving others an opportunity to choose, to be consciously aware is something most people value, even if they don't know why they value it.

    You know I'm fond of saying this: But when I look up at the stars, I see myself. The universe, through me, is awake and alive. I don't know the reasons, the meaning, I don't know much of anything about anything, but I know that. So what will I do with that? What will I do when I see another person, another "anything" -- knowing....that it is inevitably me?

    That, is life and what I've discovered. Machinery, Biology, Conscious Recognition of Self as one with all -- knowing that the "I" am not independent of this process. So as sick as I am, and as painful as life has been, I have by fortunate odds continued to exist and accumulate knowledge for the simple fact I can. I find joy and passion in simply doing things. While I can't do many of the things I want, I do what I can.

    If a time comes when all of that is gone, then I will leave too. I find hope when I'm confused, because I know I need this world and others, for "I" to continue to pursue my passions of existing.

    If you are able -- by fortunate odds -- to reconcile an use your sump pump, you might be able to come to similar terms. If you are unable to, perhaps there are other options. If you don't want to pursue them, I certainly will understand. Based on what you're saying, it appears living is preferrable to death, but that living comes with a price that seems to cost too much right now. I say, do it the American way. Take out a loan.
     
  14. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    You know, I for one would miss you around. Not that I'd try to guilt you in, and not that it would work, but you have a very unique way of looking at the world and I enjoy reading it. I don't always agree with what you come up with, but the way you got there always interests me a great deal.

    Death will come when it's time. You can rush it or you can ignore it. When we were young a lot of us imagined ourselves invincible, when you grow older you only see how mortal we are. Some people were able to live long enough to see the world literally change. My grandma always told me amazing stories of growing up on a farm during the depression, with no money and 8 siblings. To her that was fine, but to me at the time it wasn't. My Grandma was also a proud woman and I understand now more so than ever why she was. She liked me less than her other grandkids because I was a male and born too modern for her. I ended up growing up hating her, resenting every moment we had to spend with her. When she was diagnosed with lung cancer I visited her 3 times before she died. The last time I saw her she held me tight and gave me a big kiss with tears in her eyes. I realized later on how much she actually loved me and what I let go. If I hadn't have been so selfish I would have been able to let go, but I'll always hold that with me. She was too proud and I was too stupid...

    I hope you get better. Emotions are a blessing and a curse, without the ability to feel sadness, how would we understand love? I wish you never had to take a pill, I would never wish those on anyone.

    You think you should stick around for the sake of others? That's a sweet gesture, but everything changes. You should want to stick around for the sake of yourself. The people around you should want to carry that burden and if they don't I wouldn't consider them there for you. You can't grow up to be your mother, you can allow yourself to do that though. I can't really tell you it'll be alright, because it won't always be. Life sucks sometimes and even in the dark days of depression, you know it'll only get better from there. You won't be able to see the light, but you have to believe it.
     
  15. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    good to see people that think like I do. There was a time I considered all the possibilities. I ultimately decided that it would be a weak way out of my life. I still wake up every day and wonder if somehow my life could just randomly end in some freak accident or event, but as far as getting out early, that is all i can do-hope I get lucky enough. I just want to throw out there that you (topic starter) and anyone else for that matter, should read this book by King called Insomnia. I think that dying is the easiest thing ever, but that getting up every day and living is so much harder. I like a challenge and I just do not have suicide in me.
     
  16. James Hook

    James Hook Never trust a government that doesn't trust its ow

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    My Stepfather /ended himself. Most selfish shit I've ever known. Don't ruin your family's life, because it will.
     
  17. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    I think this is a little harsh. I know the meaning is well, but I think brave people kill themselves too. I would imagine it takes a great deal of courage to actually do it. It may seem selfish to you, but you have to put yourself in their perspective. The world looks completely different to you than it will to someone else.

    My Father also killed himself over things like money, job, marriage falling apart, depression. I am happy about the outcome of my life, so did it ruin my family life, no. I would have loved to know him better, but I'd rather him be in peace than at war with himself.
     
  18. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    I must think differently, because I think when most people commit suicide, they do it because they don't want to suffer. You gotta have the balls to kill yourself and know that your loved ones will hurt; but in the end, it's not about your loved ones, it's ultimately about you
     
  19. RachTyrTaiya

    RachTyrTaiya New Member

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    Survivors often only see the selfish side of death. We focus on our hurt and loss. How could they die and leave us alone . . .

    I don't think that people who kill themselves are weak . . . a lot of people have been to the point of wanting to take their own life and backed out b/c they were scared. They were scared of what others would think of them and what would happen... sure you can say you have stayed alive b/c you ruled out suicide as selfish if you want but come on. Death is uncertain. No one knows for sure what happens when we die...

    I don't think of people who kill themselves as heroes, but I certainly don't think any less of them. You never know how painful someone's mind is . . .
     
  20. skierd

    skierd Member

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    Here's to hoping you're continued meeting your demons head on in the new year Darketernal. Its always darkest just before dawn as they say...

    Maybe try a father-son trip of some sort? Get out for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, or however long you have with just the two of you able to talk frankly to each other. If anything, it might be enough of a shake up in routine to help you break out.
     
  21. kf4zht

    kf4zht New Member

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    I understand where you are coming from, I have wondered the same thoughts. I've known its always darkest before the dawn, but when it has been dark for year after year it gets very hard to convince yourself that it will turn around.

    I don't blame anyone who ends their own life. They decided it was there time. That is their choice to make. If I was suffering from a disease that would kill me and would be painful or make me dependent on others there would not even be a thought not to.

    I made a list of what I want to do in life. I am going to accomplish that list. When I am done, who knows what i will do. At this point my life is devoted to making sure I accomplish everything or die trying (and a few of them that is possible).

    Right now I am trying to force myself to break the mental idea that I am this person. I am finding that this life has not gone in a way to let me do some things on the list and that being able to drop this life and create another would.
     
  22. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Wouldn't it be nice :hsugh:
     

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