SRS Lost my future wife, help.... :(

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Kontact, Sep 13, 2005.

  1. Kontact

    Kontact Zombish

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    I never really posted any serious topics on OT since most people are torn apart by immature replies. However everyone seems to keep it serious in here and is helpful.

    This isnt just a relationship loss that I am trying to explain here, its my problems that lead to this. All these things that I feel destroyed what would have been my future, and have left me searching my lifeless mind for reasons to be here.

    Cliff Notes

    - Young man with anxiety disorder and mental OCD
    - Mind flips from sexual deviant to mature loyal boyfriend
    - Breaks up 5 year relationship for Stripper
    - Finally destroyed relationship of 5 years with girl who should have been wife
    - Feels lifeless, beyond depressed, hopeless, devistated, searching for
    reasons in life
    - Destroys whats good in life to create conflict
    - Therapist is not helping, my family keeps me here
    - Help...


    I have never been a manwhore, I am very picky when it comes to my relationships, even friendships. I have passed on many girls I could have had flings with and one night stands because I need to actually feel something for the person to enjoy it, not just my lust. The littliest things in people that I dont like will have me looking the other way for life. The flipside of that is my mind alot of the time thinks the opposite. From on and off stripclub addictions to searching slutty looking girls on sex sites etc.. and even meeting girls from the net for sex only to back out at the literally the last second with my pants down. Its a twisted thing to have go on in my head and its been this way for probably about 4 years. This messed up thinking lead to me to try an escort once ( at the age of 22), after that I was devistated for a year straight. I felt like the lowest of the low, like i was worthless and like I destroyed my life. Not only my life but that of my girlfriend. We had been together for 2 years at the time this occurred. She forgave me and took me back.

    Fast forward to last year (25 then), here another 3 years went by. Our relationship is stronger then it ever had been. I visited a few stripclubs over the span of 2 weeks ( it had been atleast a year since going to one). The last one I went to I met a stripper that left me breathless on site. Aside from being the most beautiful girl I thought I had ever seen she had these piercings and tattoos, something I love when they are done right and done in a way that made me say "perfection". Everything about her seemed perfect. She was alot like me, almost a female version of me, understood my humor, my thinking, everything. Within days I returned, got her number, broke up with my girl of 5 years almost instantly. I was so clouded with these feelings of feeling like i was 16 and meeting girls and all the fun involved that I dropped my girl with hardly any thought. Here just a few nights before I was very happy with my gf, I had just graduated and she was with me and I had nothing but thoughts of marriage. The stripper and I started to get serious very fast, after two months of dating she already asked me to live with her (which I didnt). One other interesting thing to note, after the first time this girl and I slept together all I could think about was wanting to go home and be with my ex, it made me miss her terribly.

    The stripper and I lasted about 6 months, it truly was alot of fun, sometimes I feel I did more with her then I did with my ex. As much as it seemed to get serious I had my doubts the whole time, she was too young, barely 20, and the inevitable knowing she was bi-polar, one of the two was going to end us. Finally she stopped her meds after being tired of the cracked out feeling, became manic, and felt hatred for me without cause. She didnt want it to end but cant control something that needs proper meds.

    The bipolar thing messed with me for a few months, during this time my ex was starting to talk to me, even wanting to hang out. I did, but very slowly, wasnt sure how I felt after all that. My feelings of love for her never left, even when I dated the stripper I found myself unhappy and crying for my ex many times.

    Finally the ex and I start to sleep together again and sort of see each other without being technically exclusive ( it was also hard to commit since I worked out of town 4 days a week at the time). This goes on for 2, almost 3 months. Over these months my feelings for her grew in a way they never have, I felt like I was experiencing the truest of love, the feelings I needed to finally marry her. It was the best feeling I have had in my life. During that third month something happened, suddenly two weeks went by and I hardly saw her and heard from her. I knew she met someone, I felt it, and I was right.

    She is now with this person, she is happy and she says its going somewhere. They have been together for a little more then 2 months. Seems like every other week we will see each other a few times. Go to eat, go to the movies, things we loved to do together and with no one else. When we do, I feel like we are together, we act the same way. Then when she leaves though it all goes away. A week can go by and I barely hear anything and its killing me.

    I finally fucked it up for good, I dont think I am ever going to have a chance with her again. She tells me she still loves me and always will, and even has feelings for me. But knowing she is as picky as myself, I see her new relationship lasting since its going so well after 2 months. She truly has been the best thing thats ever happened to me since I met her, she makes me smile just thinking about her and no one can do that to me. She is the kind of girl you can let go clubbing with her friends and NEVER have to worry about her messing around. I am devistated that I have this nature, and I have had it for most of my life; when things are perfect, when thinks are right, I HAVE to do something to screw it up. I have to push it til I ruin it or find myself struggling to put the pieces back together. Now I have pushed it too far, I fear I lost my future wife for good.

    Understand that these two girls were quite opposite. However, I found both to be perfect in their own ways. My ex of 5 years is flawless; her true love for me, the way she cared for me and treated me, her looks, literally everything about her. She is a perfect girl in every sense, she was a "goodgirl". Ironically and not suprisingly the stripper was like the "badgirl", an image I was always attracted to and thought I wanted. Almost like a person in a midlife crisis who buys a Harley. Im afraid I met my ex when we were too young, I felt I needed to get more out of my system and that I wanted to have sex with more girls first before marriage. Now I see that no amount of sex is worth it, none of it makes me happy.

    I just cant believe I took the chance, and now I lost it. There are far too many parts and details to all of this, I am suprised if anyone will read it as it is. The explanations of what kind of person I really am, how good I really am despite how I sound etc.. could take a whole page. Her and myself together was a truly amazing and beautiful thing, I have mostly listed the weird, dark things that have happened. But I need to discuss it, my therapist isnt helping me. I have never felt this bad in my life. Sure I keep thinking "omg i want to kill myself", truth is I kind of fear death, and could never bring myself to do that or hurt my family as I love them very much. But I feel trapped, I dont know what to do, I cant work, I cant enjoy anything unless im with my ex. I cry like crazy and within an instant I feel nothing and stop, I feel dead and emotionless. I know I have my own issues; anxiety disorder, mental OCD over meaningless situations and fabricated problems. And I often wonder if a disorder is to blame. I cant figure it out, I DO blame myself of course for what I have done, that I wont deny, but there has to be more.

    Now I am left wondering, will she ever give me a chance?

    What should I do?

    Should I still try to give her a ring like I planned, try to pull out my last resorts and get her to understand how strong my feelings for her really are?

    - Thank you if you took the time to read this
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2005
  2. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    You have to learn to stop basing your happiness, and the very basis of your existence on girls. If you can't have a breakup and recover from it, then you were not in a healthy relationship to begin with. It sounds very much like you have personal problems to such an extent that you weren't in any way prepared to be in a healthy relationship. Sounds like serious issues with sexual compulsions and addictions. Sounds like you intentionally self-destructed. And it sounds very much like you are unhealthily obsessed with your ex. Sorry, but nobody is perfect. And certainly not her when you broke up with her to fuck a stripper. This is just you projecting a solution to your problems onto a woman. Lemme tell ya: that only brings more sickness and pain.

    Its clear that contact with your ex only makes you suffer. So, end the contact. You're hanging around hoping things will work out. They're not gonna. And even if they were gonna work out (they are NOT), you hanging out with her and freaking the fuck out after you do each time, is not gonna help things whatsoever.

    Keep seeing your therapist. Show him/her this post. Talk about it. Are you this honest with your therapist? WORK at your therapy. Cut off contact with your X while you get your shit together. Consider medication for your OCD and depression. Talk this over with your therapist. Rely on your family and friends for support. Try to fill your idle time with constructive activities instead of negative obsessive thinking about some girl. She is NOT your future wife. Your perspective is fucked. Work on that, in therapy. Create something. Build a doghouse, paint a picture, sing a song... do something to take your mind off of her. Your problem is not her. Your problem is not your ended relationship with her. Your problem is YOU.
     
  3. Kontact

    Kontact Zombish

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    You hit on a big point Peyomp that I forgot to point out.

    I realized that for the past 8 years or so, if I am not in a relationship I am miserable. I feel like there is nothing to do, life bores me and most things are meaningless. Your comment on my existance being based on girls is quite true. I am a very creative person with quite a wild imagination. I know I have alot to give, I know I am smart. What I dont know is how I became like this.

    This may be totally sidetracked and have NOTHING to do with this relationship, but a year after being with my ex I had a big change in my life. I took mushrooms one night, I ended up in ER. It set off a severe 3 hour panic attack. I have had anxiety problems ever since, I have developed this mental OCD since, I have even suffered forms of hypocondria since then. All these things occurred and started immediately after the incident. It always makes me wonder what kind of damage that may have caused.

    The problem is me, your right, but that doesnt defeat what I know I had. Thing is all of these things about her, every detail that I didnt see before I now see. I realize what I had and what I destroyed. Those last two or three months I knew her patience were running out, she wanted commitment or she was going to stray and I waited til it happened. That whole time I wanted to have her back but I had fear, I feared I would hurt her again and I feared the unknown.

    I feel like no matter what relationship I have I will always let this fear bother me; what could be out there for me? is there someone better? would if I want to have sex with some crazy hot girl I meet eventually, I dont want to cheat so I have to break up. Its fuckin stupid I know, but those are types of things I obsess over. Im not worried about hurting her, or stalking her. It hasnt been like that at all. But its a clearcut what I cant have I want. Suddenly I feel like my age and maturity level that I should at age 26. I feel like "what was I possibly thinking? how could I have really ended it with her when I felt she was the one". I dont know, it sucks and its mental, sometimes I feel like I have bouts in a sort of bipolar fashion.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    You don't 'deserve' your ex. Simply because you have 'no consideration' for other people. You always have to put yourself in another persons shoes and think ' would i like to be cheated on? would that make me feel better/nice/happy?' Of course not , heck im suprised she even took you back, which only shows how much she loved you.

    That striptease girl was the mirror reflection of how you are , you have it all then you go 'mental' and beserk over non-existing things and you leave. You have to learn to be satisfied with what you have. You had a god gorgeous looking girlfriend who had love in her spirit for you , you threw her feelings into the wind and took off with a stripper. In the opposite this stripper threw your feelings into the wind and took off in a simular fashion. It is bad karma, don't cast upon another what you don't want to happen to yourself, as it get reflected and thrown back at ya. You lack L O Y A L T Y ,

    your aren't comitted , you seek here , you seek there , you go from girl to girl yet in your ex you felt that what you where seeking so let me inform you. There is NOTHING in the universe that will make you happy exept 'love' , if you understand that if you would be a loving and helping partner , who would rather walk thru hell and back then hurting another persons feelings , then you could still have been with your ex who now is having a good time with her partner. This is a very harsh but very needed life lesson you need to learn.

    Girls aren't just tools to have sex with , they have a soul and feelings that can be hurted just like you. Feel this hurt that you are feeling , its your ex's feeling when you left off with that stripper. That being said ' stop ' blaming 'disorders ' and other fabricated diseases for your actions , look in the mirror of your inner soul and see the darkness that it emitted to others and work on that instead.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2005
  5. Kontact

    Kontact Zombish

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    I actually had many problems Darketernal with TOO much consideration for other people. I would always put people ahead of me and worry about their problems, their feelings and how to help solve them while letting myself go and not attending to my needs. Believe me I am a very heavy believer in karma after all of this, im sure it will make me a better person and taught me a life lesson I could never forget. You just have to know, its one thing to try and explain ones self on a forum, and im not trying to blame my actions on a "disorder" but if you knew me like my friends do and even myself, its been shocking that I was capable of doing what I did. Sure says alot about what one is capable of despite thinking they know themselves. I have definitely been feeling what she must have felt, its all hit me very hard recently and I keep having vivid realizations of what I must have put her through and it kills me, mentally and physically.

    Love is definitely what I seem to live for, without it I feel completely empty. Take my car, my money, take everything from me and none of it matters. Its the people that matter to me, not the material things and its always been that way. I completely understand girls are not sex tools, and I have never treated them as such. There is so much more then sex, its not THAT important. Like I said earlier I was never capable of just randomly sleeping with girls, I could never do it. Sadly I was acting immaturely, and I dont think I was ready for committment. And now that I want that I cant have it, I get feelings off and on of just wanting to be young and be with someone that is sort of wild and wants to have fun. The thing is, going into a relationship like that I know its not what will truly make me happy in the long run, and not something that I could find true love in or a lasting relationship. Thats where I do the damage to myself. Whats right for me, good for me only drives me to destroy it. Its like this with MANY things in my life not just my relationships, my mom has pointed this out to me many times and it sucks. Its quite a doomed feeling. Maybe I dont deserve anyone, I really dont want to hurt people especially ones that care about me. I am a good person, but I seem bent on destructing my life. Sometimes I fear that without conflict I will bore myself, if I have nothing to worry about and everything is perfect I need to create conflict.
     
  6. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Kontact, I think darketernal said it well. You screwed up, (but we all have in one way or another.) I think this can be a learning experience for you. Still, I think you should talk it over with a counselor.
     
  7. MikeYOX

    MikeYOX May 2000 account: DELETED :(

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    You are CLEARLY emotionally unstable, and not mature enough or stable enough for a serious relationship. You have a lot of growing to do, you have a lot of developing to do, and you need to cut off your ex, and keep seeing your therapist.

    Try not to dramatize your situation either. I have noticed you doing that alot. Just be honest and realistic about these situations, because you seem to cause yourself a lot of damage in order to have this drama in your life.
     
  8. Kontact

    Kontact Zombish

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    Thanks.

    I do realize that everyone throughout their lives, even their marriages are always going to look at other people and have thoughts of lust etc..

    but, its like you said, you have to get past that and realize what you have and not lose site of things. I did real good with this most of the time, no matter what kind of girl came my way I always told myself it wasnt worth giving up what I had and I did good, for a while anyway. The two instances I did screw up weren't worth it in the least, definitely says I have some growing to do in that department. I just have to be thankful she even talks to me after all of that.

    Many people I know cant hold relationships, sleep with many people all through high school/college/ and even after. I was never like that, I never liked the idea and always only liked one girl in my life at a time, especially one I had feelings for, not just one for sex. It still is this way, I took my wrong turns and screwed myself and my ex at the wrong time in our lives. At this age it should never have happened. I am a mature person, but I fully admit I felt like a 19 year old when I met the stripper and it felt good. How unsatisfying it was though, truly.
     

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