SRS Lost in life

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by altacct, Oct 10, 2007.

  1. altacct

    altacct New Member

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    Not really sure where to begin with this post, it's gonna be a long one and I don't really expect anyone to read it all, but I just need to get a bunch of stuff off my chest. I'm posting on this account because I have friends who know my other account and would rather not have them read all of this.


    I'm a 22 year old male, college student with good grades, 6'0” 155 lbs. In 2 more semesters I will be graduating with a degree in philosophy and a minor in statistics. I've changed my major about 5 or 6 times now and I'm still not sure what it is I'm going to do with my current major, but at least the classes are interesting. I'm considering graduate school simply in order to delay having to find a career. I have a lot of interests, but nothing that stands out as something I want to do for the rest of my life or even part of my life.


    I have huge self-confidence issues, like I said I'm 22 yet I've never been on a date, never even had female friends for the most part. I only have a few really close male friends and I seem to be growing apart from them all the time. One of my friends was recently kicked out of college because of academic probation and my other close friend is about as introverted as I am. I was really quiet in high school and when I got to college I told myself I would break out of my shell and things would be different. I've been telling myself the same thing for the past 3 years of college. On a college campus that is over 2/3 female, there is nothing quite as crushing to the ego and self-confidence as being able to count on one hand the number of times a female has initiated a conversation with me in 3 years. I've read plenty of the PUA material posted around here and other places on the internet, but canned openers and routines are just not congruent with who I am. Call me bitter, but I think it is pretty fucking ridiculous that as an average looking male I have to put forth all the effort to initiate and maintain conversations.


    I've been on and off all sorts of anti-depressant medications for the past 6 years, none of it really seems to do anything and I've just recently quit taking my latest medication due to its lack of efficacy. I've gone to see a counselor and a psychiatrist, but their advice I could find in any self-help book or the internet and it just seemed like a big waste of money. I'm a bit disillusioned with it all at this point and I'm completely sick of hearing the phrase “just give it some time and things will get better” from friends and family.


    The most ironic part of all of this is that I'm in the best shape of my life. I've been going to the gym 5 days a week for the past month and a half and I have no plans of stopping anytime soon. I've been riding my bike more often to classes now. I just stopped smoking marijuana after 1 year of smoking it almost nightly. And I haven't had any alcoholic beverages besides the occasional beer in a few months.


    I've probably rambled on enough by now. I didn't really come here expecting answers, I guess I just feel as if I don't fit in anywhere, I don't have a purpose or passion for life and I feel like I am somehow an old soul. People my age just don't care about anything anymore and I myself am beginning not care as well.
     
  2. PunkInDrublic

    PunkInDrublic Active Member

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    Right there with you, man. I don't even know what to say because if I had the answers, I wouldn't be browsing The Asylum every night. I just can't believe that self-confidence equates to being able to use some lines on someone in a bar. Also, I hate that phrase too. As well as the "you just need to get out there" or "you just need to be happy with yourself first" and stuff like that. It's just not helpful.

    Here's the thing though, man. There are people out there that do care about something other than what you see on the surface every day. I know I have the same thoughts that there aren't, but people hide a lot of emotion. The proof is in a forum like this, where seemingly normal people will admit that despite no major flaws, they can feel this disconnected and alone.

    I don't know what I'm getting at, but I wish there was a way at least for people like this to find each other, so at least they might be able to help each other out as friends. I mean personally, I just wish I had a friend like me to go to a bar with. I feel like even that would be a start. Just being able to get out there with a like minded person that doesn't get put off that I'm not so outgoing.

    Sorry if I'm hijacking, just being able to relate to someone, even over a forum, is sort of therapeutic. Good luck, man.
     
  3. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    Go see a Career Counselor, it will take 3-5 sessions and some work on your part, but it does help you find a career/major that is best for you! Before I saw one I was changing my major every quarter, after seeing one, I made one final change and I am sticking to it.

    Yes I still don't know exactly what my purpose in life is, but I have a handful of jobs I would like to do and the major to go with it now.

    What really changed my views on life and finally gave me back the motivation I needed was the book "The Way of The Superior Man" by David Deida.

    When it comes to women... honestly I use a wingman, but in the end it turns out most of my girl friends were introduced to me through mutual friends.
     
  4. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    hey dude, what you're going through is more common than you think. a lot of 20 somethings are confused about life. I am one of them.

    I personally would like a break to figure out what it is I want to do. I'm caught up in the 8-5 routine now but time off would be nice, and i mean time off just zoning out at a beach or osmething...not a day off sitting at home.

    I don't know, do a search on "quarterlife crisis" and there's a messageboard out there with lots of people who go through stuff like this. QLC forums i think it's called.
     
  5. HardTech

    HardTech hungry

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    hey man

    I'm 24 and I have a job after graduating with a bachelors and a masters in Information Systems. I've been working for over a year now, and I still don't know exactly what I want to be doing. To me, it's like a moving target.

    Where are you located? I'd be happy to have a drink with you if you're in the bay area
     
  6. altacct

    altacct New Member

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    Thanks for the offer, but I'm in Northern Arizona. Glad to know I'm not the only one going through stuff like this, not that it makes it any easier, but at least it is a little comforting.
     
  7. altacct

    altacct New Member

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    Thanks for the advice, I think it might be a little late in the game for me at this point to see a career adviser. As it is I'm going to have a hard time paying for the next 2 semesters here and any more changes in my major would mean at least another year +. I'll check out that book you recommended.
     
  8. BlueLine

    BlueLine Guest

    When I was young I had next to zero confidence and it didn't stem from being naturally shy or just being a spineless kid. Can you think of why you have such little confidence? I'm slightly younger than you but I know what you mean about feeling alienated from life and even yourself. The only way to build anything worthwhile is to first build from within. The way that helped me build my confidence was just doing whatever the fuck I wanted and since we're guys I found getting laid helped although it's very hard when one isn't stable. Specifically, why do you think you have confidence issues?
     
  9. altacct

    altacct New Member

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    It seems like a circular problem for myself, I don't have much self-confidence because I have never dated/don't have many friends, and I have never dated/don't have many friends because I have low self-confidence. :hsd:
     
  10. BlueLine

    BlueLine Guest

    But why? Were you not treated nicely when you were young? What I'm saying is someone just isn't born having low confidence in themselves and I find that it is created at a very early age from at least the people I have known for various reasons. Delve deep into your memories but be mentally prepared before seeking to bring them up.
     
  11. altacct

    altacct New Member

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    I've thought long and hard on this issue before and can't really come up with much, I've never been a very outgoing person. I moved from Phoenix AZ(population ~1.5mil) to Cottonwood AZ(population 15k) right after 4th grade. I made a few friends in fifth grade and one of them turned into a giant asshole to me after knowing him for about 3 months (although he was going through a really rough time with his mother dying of cancer, so he acted out, can't really blame him for this). Went to middle school and didn't really fit in their either, was picked on quite a bit because I was A) smart and B) scrawny. My middle school mentality of just getting through with it and getting out of cottonwood continued throughout highschool. 4.0gpa in highschool, AP classes, etc. Looking back on my life I have never had anything really traumatic happen, which leaves me pretty bewildered as to why I am currently in the mental state that I am in. I can think rationally and logically all I want about how I grew up and my current state of affairs, but I feel stuck. Not sure I know any other way to put it.
     
  12. BlueLine

    BlueLine Guest

    Is there anything that you can genuinely derive pleasure from? Are there any activities you enjoy doing so much that time just flies by?
     
  13. Cakayaka

    Cakayaka New Member

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    The one thing you are passionate about is the gym, maybe a look into Kinesiology wouldn't be a waste. And I realize you will be graduating soon, but it is never too late. I was a double major in accounting/finance, got sick of it, changed it to sociology/psychology. I was supposed to be graduating in two semesters. And to be honest, the thing about being introverted is, you have to FORCE yourself to initiate stuff. You have to consciously tell yourself I am going to meet 5 new people everyday, some might be pricks, but if that is the worst that willl happen, I say go for it. I feel like it comes down to a matter of willpower and courage. Personally, I would rather try something and fall flat on my face then sit back and let myself be unhappy. Maybe join random clubs too just to open up various venues.
     
  14. Demon

    Demon Member

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    It seems that you and I live parallel lives. I'm the same..

    I'm 24, and seem to have confidence issues too. I had a great g/f who i still talk to (she's an ex now), and since then i really haven't had any girlfriends.. or flings with women.
    I too used to get picked on for being skinny.. I think that's why i started hittin up the gym and eating like a pig last week. I've got a plan on what i want to do - and that's to not be skinny.

    The weird thing is, is that I sometimes have dreams of me flying around this other world in the universe, and I just do whatever the hell i want. It's like i have the freedom to do absolutely anything i wanted with no guilt or remorse.
    Come back to reality, i go about my life and always think before i do things. Most the time i end up talking myself out of doin things, and beat myself down sayin i can't do it.

    I just zoned out tonight, and figured that I'll just do whatever the hell i want - and hopefully by not holding back my emotions etc.. my brain might open up ideas on what i really what to do..

    Not sure if any of that made sense (especially the part about flying around in the universe heheh ) .. but i hear ya champ, i know exactly where ur at.
     
  15. HunniBunni

    HunniBunni New Member

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    Although I am of the opposite sex, I can relate to your post. I am graduating University in 3 months, but I have no passion for my major. Every semester I went to University I was deluding myself. I should have changed majors but now, at 22, and 3 months left, its too late. I have no idea what I am going to do after graduation, a pretty fucking unnerving thought. After graduation, Im going to take some time off and figure out my life. You and I both lack direction in our lives. That is one thing I suggest you work on, finding direction. (major, life goals, things your passionate about)
     
  16. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    I would also like to join the club...

    I am 22, about to graduate in 6 months.. Although I feel I'm going somewhere in life, I also have one friend and never had a GF.. I would like to think that I am outgoing, but then again I'm very emotionally disattached from people. I can't symphasize or relate. I can only give advice.

    Although I am not that shy, I am outgoing but I seem to miss things and try very hard to fit in with groups of people. Then I get down on myself and sit on OT for 10 hours. For example I tried to fit in with this group of friends for 3 years but we only did 2 things together.


    Lastly. I know my behaivor is not normal. I can trace it back and I'm sure every antisocial behaviour can be traced back. I was abused by my father when I was a kid, mostly verbally. I am distant from him, I barely talk to him aside from "ok" or "yeah", and there's a force that drives us apart all the time. That's just the way I am and I have to deal with it.

    Anyway hope this helps.
     
  17. altacct

    altacct New Member

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    I'm pretty big into amateur astronomy, building an 11-inch computer controlled telescope for astrophotography, but that project is on hold at the moment. Not much time to work on stuff like that when I work 5 days in a week in the morning, classes, gym and homework time. Also, I don't really have any place to store my current telescope in my dorm room.
     
  18. altacct

    altacct New Member

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    Misery loves company I guess, at least you have had a girlfriend, the social stigma of never having been on a date is somewhat crippling :(
     
  19. depauldelt

    depauldelt New Member

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    Man you think you got it rough....I really do'nt know what I'm doing with my life about 2 months ago I got arrested with my girlfriend w/ 27.3 g's they raided my moms house arrested my gf charged her with a DUI tried pinning me with a felony and took all my fucking peices....I thought that was bad...but of course it just get worse because life is fucked...but anyway about 3 weeks ago i come home from working at the graveyard shift at UPS and I decide I want to make a pizza..I preheat the oven..go outside for 1o minutes in my garage...come back and bam...my fucking house is buring down...300,000 dollars in damages...to top that off my girlfriend who is away at college and i have been dating for a year decides that the day after my house burns down is the best day to break up wiht me....but you think its over there?...no, of course not..I get arrested the night before I have a court apperance for another possesion charge..and this fucking time it wasn't even my fucking weed...and these three months are only just the icing on the cake...at least your in college
     
  20. brokengold

    brokengold New Member

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    October 9, 2007
    Op-Ed Columnist
    The Odyssey Years

    By DAVID BROOKS
    There used to be four common life phases: childhood, adolescence, adulthood and old age. Now, there are at least six: childhood, adolescence, odyssey, adulthood, active retirement and old age. Of the new ones, the least understood is odyssey, the decade of wandering that frequently occurs between adolescence and adulthood.
    During this decade, 20-somethings go to school and take breaks from school. They live with friends and they live at home. They fall in and out of love. They try one career and then try another.
    Their parents grow increasingly anxious. These parents understand that there’s bound to be a transition phase between student life and adult life. But when they look at their own grown children, they see the transition stretching five years, seven and beyond. The parents don’t even detect a clear sense of direction in their children’s lives. They look at them and see the things that are being delayed.
    They see that people in this age bracket are delaying marriage. They’re delaying having children. They’re delaying permanent employment. People who were born before 1964 tend to define adulthood by certain accomplishments — moving away from home, becoming financially independent, getting married and starting a family.
    In 1960, roughly 70 percent of 30-year-olds had achieved these things. By 2000, fewer than 40 percent of 30-year-olds had done the same.
    Yet with a little imagination it’s possible even for baby boomers to understand what it’s like to be in the middle of the odyssey years. It’s possible to see that this period of improvisation is a sensible response to modern conditions.
    Two of the country’s best social scientists have been trying to understand this new life phase. William Galston of the Brookings Institution has recently completed a research project for the Hewlett Foundation. Robert Wuthnow of Princeton has just published a tremendously valuable book, “After the Baby Boomers” that looks at young adulthood through the prism of religious practice.
    Through their work, you can see the spirit of fluidity that now characterizes this stage. Young people grow up in tightly structured childhoods, Wuthnow observes, but then graduate into a world characterized by uncertainty, diversity, searching and tinkering. Old success recipes don’t apply, new norms have not been established and everything seems to give way to a less permanent version of itself.
    Dating gives way to Facebook and hooking up. Marriage gives way to cohabitation. Church attendance gives way to spiritual longing. Newspaper reading gives way to blogging. (In 1970, 49 percent of adults in their 20s read a daily paper; now it’s at 21 percent.)
    The job market is fluid. Graduating seniors don’t find corporations offering them jobs that will guide them all the way to retirement. Instead they find a vast menu of information economy options, few of which they have heard of or prepared for.
    Social life is fluid. There’s been a shift in the balance of power between the genders. Thirty-six percent of female workers in their 20s now have a college degree, compared with 23 percent of male workers. Male wages have stagnated over the past decades, while female wages have risen.
    This has fundamentally scrambled the courtship rituals and decreased the pressure to get married. Educated women can get many of the things they want (income, status, identity) without marriage, while they find it harder (or, if they’re working-class, next to impossible) to find a suitably accomplished mate.
    The odyssey years are not about slacking off. There are intense competitive pressures as a result of the vast numbers of people chasing relatively few opportunities. Moreover, surveys show that people living through these years have highly traditional aspirations (they rate parenthood more highly than their own parents did) even as they lead improvising lives.
    Rather, what we’re seeing is the creation of a new life phase, just as adolescence came into being a century ago. It’s a phase in which some social institutions flourish — knitting circles, Teach for America — while others — churches, political parties — have trouble establishing ties.
    But there is every reason to think this phase will grow more pronounced in the coming years. European nations are traveling this route ahead of us, Galston notes. Europeans delay marriage even longer than we do and spend even more years shifting between the job market and higher education.
    And as the new generational structure solidifies, social and economic entrepreneurs will create new rites and institutions. Someday people will look back and wonder at the vast social changes wrought by the emerging social group that saw their situations first captured by “Friends” and later by “Knocked Up.”
     
  21. SixSecrets

    SixSecrets New Member

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    I think you need to adjust your attitude and maybe see a therapist.
     
  22. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    I've never had confidence issues or self-esteem issues, but at one point in my life I was extremely shy. I could sit there with my friends and/or people I knew and had a great time, but, the moment is was sprung on me to meet someone, I hesitated. I finally realized one thing and since then, I've yet to look back.

    I'm sure you heard it before as well.

    "You'll probably never see that person again in your life."
    When I read that, I think of a few things. First? What's the absolute worst thing that can happen? You go up to a girl, start talking to her, she says "Uh no" and walks away. Guess what? You tried, you told yourself you would do it, and you did all you can control. It comes to a point where you have to realize you DONT control other people, so you can only commit to 50%, the rest is on them.

    So what if you get turned down? So what if you get ignored? Try again. Find another girl, another person, anybody anywhere, and try. Keep trying. I can assure you, sitting there and dwelling on why they didn't talk to you will only result in the next set of people not talking to you. You ned to make your moves bruh.

    Socializing is proven to improve every human beings life. If you're able to network, you're able to learn new things. Branch out into new areas you've never touched before. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. You need to just put yourself out there with your chin higher then everyone else's.

    Good luck man.
     

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