SRS Lost in a Marriage

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by La Turista, Oct 5, 2007.

  1. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    I am not sure if I have been in some kind of time warp but about 5 months before my 20th anniverisity, I realize that I am really really unhappy. I am married to a man, which this is his second marriage. I know that in the last 20 years he has had a couple of encounters. That is fine since most of the time with our 3 children, full time work and pretty much full time school, I don't have time or desire to even want to worry about wifely duties. But about 5-6 months ago, I started to notice all the critisism that I have been receiving, he never really touches me, definetly never kisses me passionately, which i tried a few times to initiate and received the cold shoulder. I have sat back for the last 5 months and whatched him and i really don't like what i see. I am really sitting back and wondering, if this is what i want for the rest of my life. I lived with a mentally abusive father and watching him he is pretty borderline. I have told him I am unhappy and he seems to try more but even the thought of him touching me makes me cringe. I can't sleep with him, even the smell of him makes my nose wrinkle. You would think that once telling him something like that he would try really hard or even try to make things better and he sits back in front of the tv. he tries lovey dovey stuff when the kids are around but if it is just us, we are miles apart. I truely think that he is interested in someone else, which again is fine. I have a younger friend that I talk to not about this but about everything else, and am getting very strong feelings for because he makes me smile all the time and laugh0. My husband knows about him and doesn't say anything except a few comments here and there. He has asked me if we are okay. I have told him I am not happy and that i am not sure. he tried to be nice for a couple of days then back to the nit picky comments that seem to go on forever. Kids are out of highschool in 4 years and then i just want to go away. Anyone else out there been through this? Or at least some thoughts?
     
  2. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

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    As a kid, I know what it's like to have parents that seem to not love each other anymore. Have you tried talking to him about why he is so critical of you?

    Was there something that happened 5-6 months ago that really created this problem that you two are having?

    What I see is the problem is that there is very little communication in this relationship, and the only thing that i sholding you together is the kids. USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE as it will give you time to sort things out. See a counselor to help get you two talking and see if you can diagnose the problem and fix it... if you want to.
     
  3. Mulsanne

    Mulsanne The Man = Funk Fusion Chaos

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    I really think you need to talk to him. I don't know if it would help but I think its the most fair thing you can do. You said youve been noticing things for 5 months so you've obviously been upset for a long time, it's time to voice your concerns. Either seek councelling or move on with your life but you need to do something.

    I really like that you sat and thought about this for 5 months, so you are obviously very sure of where you're coming from, but please don't wait another 5 months to say something to somebody.
     
  4. wetwillie

    wetwillie New Member

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    I used to work with a woman that knew, on the night of their honeymoon, that she had made a horrible mistake. She stayed married for 20 years and you could see the toll it had taken on her body.

    After she started working and was able to support herself, she got more and more courage to where she finally decided to get a divorce and move on with her life. Her hubby was very confused and didn't understand why she was leaving.

    She had a difficult time adjusting at first as she was dealing with a lot of very judgemental people in her church. It was sad but they kind of turned against her and it caused her a lot of grief. However, she stayed the course and I had never seen her so happy. She started wearing shorter skirts (after losing weight) and was getting hit on by men again. She looked a lot better after punting the ex and seemed a lot happier.

    One of the guys we worked with was single and began pursuing her. They ended up getting married after I left the company and I heard she was doing great. I couldn't believe the transformation in this woman.

    I'm not an advocate of divorce but sometimes, it's a very good thing. Unfortunately so many people today just seem to think it's a first option, instead of the last option. I find that to be really sad.
     
  5. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    I guess I should have mentioned that throughout our 20 years, I have talked to him about be critical about everything i do and assuming I will take care of everything. I have spoken to counselers which he is for but you can tell he doesn't want to go. I think i woke up 5 months ago and asked myself why I keep putting up with the same stuff and not do something to make myself happy for once. Again, when he thinks that I am getting my act together to make some sort of decision on our relationship, he starts to act all nice and loving especially in front of the kids. I just don't know how much longer I can stay in a relationship that makes me feel sad, ugly and worthless most of the time
     
  6. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    You shouldn't, plain and simple. Twenty years is a long, long time.. plenty of time to "collect" your thoughts, if you would. It seems to me that you are truely unhappy and have already convinced yourself that your marriage just isn't what you want anymore, and well, that IS okay.

    We're all human beings and we're all entitled to our own feelings and opinions. If he plays nice guy when times get threatnened, it's obvious he's just feeding off you. He's insecure about himself, and in the end, it's hurting your family. I think you need to make the decision you already know the answer to, the question is, how long do you really want to wait?

    Take care of yourself, please keep us postd.
     
  7. rhetto

    rhetto OT Supporter

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    How old are you? How much weight have you gained in 20 years?

    If the kids are grown up and you're not happy, just leave.
     
  8. wetwillie

    wetwillie New Member

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    It's hard to leave someone you've grown so accustomed to. However as difficult as it might be, it just might be the best thing for you to do. You'll know when/if the time is right and I would suggest you not let ANYONE tell you when that time is.

    You need to be sure you've done everything you can to make your marriage work. After all, you don't want to get 1 year down the road and realize you wish you'd never left. There's no guarantee that you won't have that experience but if you've done everything you can think of to make the marriage work and you still want to leave then at least you know you didn't make a rash decision in the heat of the moment.
     
  9. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Are you reverting to the household behaviour that's "expected" of you when he becomes nicer? It sounds like he's just going through the motions to keep you in your place whether it's intentional or not.

    A marriage takes two to work. If he's not willing to work to save your marriage, then what's done is done and it's time to move on. Whether you leave or not, don't bounce immediately to this friend of yours as a romantic interest. If you've been oppressed for that long, you'll need to get to know yourself intimately again before focusing that effort on someone else.
     
  10. deadmeat

    deadmeat Active Member

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    You sound exactly like my wife. We almost split up 3 days ago. We finally figured out last night that it was hormones from having the kids finally wearing off. When she went back to being the woman I married she basically woke up with a complete asshole next to her in the bed. Overly critical, never complimentary (this is all me) because I had grown to hate the person I was married to and she hated the person I had become. She got a friend she could talk to - which I have to trust if I want to stay married at this point. Basically she's back to the person I married years ago. Ever thought to start again from square one?

    I used to be my wife's best confidant and then she closed off to me and me to her. Right now (and with a LOT of counseling) we're remembering and going to be working on how happy and fun we were when we got married and before the kids. I am overjoyed she is responding to me and she seems to be happy that I'm treating her like I used to (because she is her again). Your hubby might need to know what's going on in your head - I know I need it. Not just what normal women tell their spouse, but what women tell therapists and their girl friends.
     
  11. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    This is good to hear. I wish you and your wife the best whether you stay married or not.

    I'm not one to preach that people should stay married forever because I've seen a lot of good come from people close to me getting divorced. It's not always a bad thing even though the short term is usually very difficult.

    To the OP, I made a conscious decision to not hang around overly nit-picky people. It's a difficult decision because sometimes people are just kidding but they take it too far. Other times, their comments are rooted in a more dysfunctional area.

    How I usually approach these situations is by confrontation. I set a boundary and announce that the previous behavior is no longer acceptable and if the person wants me around in their life anymore, they can't continue to cross the boundary without reprisals from me.

    Most people that I have this talk to give me the :ugh: face. A lot of times they either can't believe that they are causing this much discomfort in my life or they think I'm being a pussy/baby and just need to "get over it". Fuck them...whatever they think is irrelevant. The problem is not what they think, it's what I think....and that's all that matters at this point.

    Now, after I announce this boundary, when they cross it, I immediately address it and ask them to stop and remind them of our previous conversation. Some of the people I've done this with all of a sudden start realizing what's going on....they honestly couldn't see it before. They make a conscious effort to change and thank me for highlighting the issue. They also usually apologize and things get better for us.

    However, there are those that continue to laugh off my objections to their behavior. Fine....that's their choice to continue acting like a douchebag. It's my choice to not hang around them anymore. I don't just sever the relationships tho....it usually involves me pulling away more and more. I don't call as often, I'm usually busy if they want to hang out and slowly but surely we both move on with our lives.

    What's left are people I can trust and that don't push my buttons just to get a laugh. I've found that I'm much happier and more at peace now because I have more friends that are more respectful...as I am to them.

    I now see that people that are constantly critical are like a parasite. They will suck my creativity, compassion and patience. I will usually be more defensive and respond in a hostile manner when one isn't warranted, especially to others not involved in this drama. Life is too short for that stuff.

    Good luck. I find that I usually have a hard time pulling away from these types of people. I'm not really sure why as I know people that just punt them and move on. I wish I was more like that sometimes.
     
  12. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    I did bring that up about him being critical and demeaning. At times he can act all lovey dovey, acting like there is nothing wrong at all. Then turn around the next second and make some mean comment or tell me to do something like ordering me around. He pretty much talks down to me for my position in the family and my age. For the last 5 months I have been very vocal when he has done this especially in front of the kids. I don't want them to get into a situation that they need to be treated like this. I am trying hard to make this work at least until our youngest graduates in 4 years or maybe I am just too tired to try hard enough. I guess I am just miserable. It does help to write it out. Just to get bottled up feelings out and off my chest. I know it takes two to break up a marriage, but I think I am just to exhausted to keep trying. I hope there is someone else out there that went through this and tell me their thoughts
     
  13. wetwillie

    wetwillie New Member

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    have you thought about finding a therapist? Not for marriage counseling but for private counseling. You have issues if you would stay in that kind of a relationship for that long. Most people would tell him to fuck off and move on with their lives. The fact that you won't/haven't indicates that you have issues.

    Perhaps you like the rollercoaster of drama, perhaps you don't feel worthy of having a loving, healthy relationship. whatever the reasons, you simply can't move forward without support. In my experience, it's just too difficult to make these kinds of changes alone. I would suggest you find a good therapist, one you can be really 100% open an honest with. One that you feel comfortable with. It may take some time to find one but I think you really should look for one.

    Life is too short. :hug:
     
  14. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    Actually I do have a thereapist I go to each month, it helps keep my sanity in check. waiting 4 years is definetly not because I like the drama. It is because I have children that I would like to finish high school without the pressures of divorce. I do tell him to "fuck off" and move to his corner. Yes the kids feel some of this but they would rather we stay together. I think they know I am unhappy with their father and that divorce is very if not probable. I would rather it be a mess between the two of use and not have to decide who goes to which home when, especially while they are still in high school.
     
  15. wetwillie

    wetwillie New Member

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    only you can decide when it's the "right" time to get a divorce. I'm certainly not wanting you to do something based on my post or do something rash.

    However, your last post sounds a lot like procrastination to me. Why will 4 years from now be any easier for your kids to handle? It won't. They are saying they want you to stay together because they know if you do, they won't have to deal with a divorce right now and you may work it out. Something that doesn't sound like a possibility to me.

    So to me, it just sounds like you are using this excuse to postpone the inevitable. I pretty sure your kids will still be opposed to your leaving in 4 years. I could be wrong...I've seen it before but most time, they just don't want to deal with a divorce.
     
  16. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    I think though at my age an how long I have been married, 4 years is nothing so that they don't have to deal with any drama of me leaving while these years are important to them. My husband and I don't really sleep in the same bed, we co-habitate together. We can get along sometimes. We do not have horrific fights, I tend to walk away now from that to avoid it for the kids. I appreciate everyones input and keep all information in my back pocket to pull forward for advice as I go through this. Letting go of 20 years is really hard even though it will happen, I just haven't figured out when.
     
  17. wetwillie

    wetwillie New Member

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    Yeah it is hard but my sis did it and is really much happier since. I do know one person that wishes they had never got divorced but only one. She basically let her friends talk her into it and now she blames them for her present shitty life.

    It's really sad listening to a 50 year old woman talk about how her friends put peer pressure on her to leave her husband and she now wishes she hadn't listened to them. Don't let that happen to you....make up your own mind. Afterall, you'll have to live with the consequences of your decision for the rest of your life.

    Good luck to you....keep us posted.
     
  18. Nucleartiger

    Nucleartiger Clemson makes my nipples hard

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    Did your wife gradually change as she had each kid to where she no longer wanted to be touched by you and no longer even thought about having a sexual relationship in any way? My wife has changed like that and we were talking about it and thinks that it might a form of "baby blues" depression.

    If so did it just go away or did she start taking anything to get through it?
     
  19. 2500

    2500 Guest

    communication is key. i'm in a very similar situation right now. its only been a year, but its almost the same. my ex was unhappy, but pretended to be happy, so, i never knew what was happening. he finally decided to be true to himself, and we broke up, but i thought we had the perfect relationship because of the lack of communication on his part. the thing is, once we talked for a few days, and once we broke up, thats ALL it took for me to realize what was going on, and change who i was for the better. not "for" him... but because i wanted to change, and the only reason i never did, was because i was too caught up in life to even see it clearly. now its too late, and i know the relationship we could have had would have been amazing if my ex was honest. our future could be awesome, but, it might be too late. bottom line, express your feelings and you will be happy. either with or without him.
     
  20. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Think about it this way: If you had a daughter who was in a completely miserable marriage to her spouse, would you want her to waste four years of her life to a bleak and dysfunctional home life waiting until her own children were out of the house before reclaiming her happiness? You do realize that your children will model their own relationships after the one you share with your husband. If you don't stand up for your needs including your own happiness, you teach them that they shouldn't, either.
     
  21. deadmeat

    deadmeat Active Member

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    Kind of. She still likes sex, though. It's just less frequent.

    It's almost like she was in a coma, came back, and discovered she was married to an asshole. I'm in therapy right now working on that. Now she's trying to figure out who she is, which apparently includes anti-depressants, xanax, ambien, and buckets of weed (just like high school). Frankly, if she doesn't figure out this shit soon I'm out of here. I just want my best friend back, who disappeared in the third trimester. She had better get back to being herself soon, though. Since we met I always thought of her as my soul mate, and now she's "trying to figure out" whether she can be that person again. Since I married her for love and intense friendship, if I can't have that I am going to have to move on.
     
  22. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    Is it as easy as that to just move on. I am not the same person in high school. Though in the last year, I have wanted to goof off and have fun like I used to which my husband thinks is childish along with all his critisizing (sp). I really think part of our identity changes when we have children and a husband, because for years we are so busy putting them first. Going back to school after 20 years, I am in an identity crisis too. I am too old for some of the desires of what i wanted to be back then so now i have to really sole search about who i am and what i want to be. Be patient with her, after so long without a real identity it takes a little to get back. you are good for getting help which my husband won't do. don't give up on her right away...it takes time. i lost my identity over the last 20 years, and though i hope it doesn't take 20 to find me again, i am working hard at it.
     
  23. Nucleartiger

    Nucleartiger Clemson makes my nipples hard

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    My wife and I have 3 children and it has gotten worse after each one. My wife is at the point now where physical contact bothers her. If I try to give her a hug and kiss when I get home from work I get a quick peck and forearm to the chest to push me away as soon as our lips make contact.

    I am in no way ready to leave her and our kids but I do lay at bed at night thinking about how it seems like I have a roommate and not a wife sometimes.
     
  24. deadmeat

    deadmeat Active Member

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    Ok, but how come you get to change your identity? I'm here for her, I've always been here for her and basically given her everything she wanted. What I DIDN'T do was to blow smoke up her ass all the time. So, now she doesn't know if she's in love. I have lived for this woman since I was 16. Go figure. So now the rules change, I was never told, and I'm the one that's fucked. She says she needs time and space, wants to be in love and happy with me, wants emotional intimacy, that emotional intimacy is too much right now because she's not used to it, and that she's willing to go to a counselor together (we both go individually).

    Hey. Give me some rules and I can play by them, but stack the deck against me and pretty soon I will quit playing.

    Sorry so blunt, I just had a session today.
     
  25. La Turista

    La Turista New Member

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    It is not changing my identity but finding it. For years between husband, kids, animals, finances, friends, etc., I have put me on the back burner. I "woke up" over 6 months ago to a husband that is constantly picking at everything I do. He has done this for over 20 years, and I have had enough. He wants sex, which I don't blame him since I do not put out hardly at all but when 24 hours revolves around everyone but me how can I really enjoy it myself. I wish I had woken up years ago and put my foot down then. Take a day a week to do something just for me, hair cut, manicure, pedicure, movie. All my friends are his friends because honestly, my emotional bucket is to full to get close to anyone I go to school with or work with. Right now, I don't know if I can save my marriage and frankly since my children are older I don't know if I want to. I lived with a physically and mentally abusive father, and I married a mentally abusive husband. He might not say in so many words that I am useless or "fat" but it is all there in his picking everyday that he comes home. Lately because I can't even stand to be near him, he may be realizing I am very serious this time. All I can say is maybe record your conversations with your wife. Just put something in your pocket, walk in the house and try to do your normal routine. The clues are there if she is being hurt by your words, maybe play it back so she can hear it to. Even though you may talk, sometimes it is the sound of what you are saying that hurts to. Watch some of the actions you do especially around her. When I am at the computer doing work or just goofing off for a little, he comes home from work and starts nit picking everything. He will start cleaning "my area" knowing that it bugs the crap out of me and makes me feel like I do nothing. Remember I have lived with this routine for 20 years. Now when he comes near, I tell him to get the F@#$ back. He hates it but darn it after 20 years you would think you would learn. Also, taking care of everyone, when he says, maybe you should start running again or go to the gym. When out of the 18 hours (6 for sleep if I am lucky) do you suggest I do this after going to school, working, making dinner, running laundry, spending time with the kids, homework or emotional support, you wanting sex, paying bills, do you think I have time for a run or the gym? They say make time, then get critisized if I miss doing something else. I am learning to slowly make that time for me and telling him to kiss off when he complains I missed something. These are all things you may want to look at. These are just what is happening to me, it could be totally different in your home.
     

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