SRS Losing my love

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SkyLeach, May 4, 2005.

  1. SkyLeach

    SkyLeach Guest

    My wife has been suffering from pain for a long time due to many surgeries when she was young. (Long story very short: she has no arms or legs due to thalidomide).

    She has been taking obscene amount of pain medicine. She is prescribed 60x40mg oxicodone, 60x20mg oxicodone, 30x10mg percocet and 350-500 50mg soma per month. I don't know how much acetaminophen she takes, but it's not trivial. This bothers me for several reasons.

    First, it makes her stupid. It doesn't take a genius to know that I didn't marry her for her body (duh, she has tits and ass and a beautiful face but nothing else). After four kids even less so. Sometimes she is so out of it that she drools on herself and falls off the toilet. Sometimes she flat knocks herself out. This puts undue strain on our relationship. Even when she isn't nearly incoherent her reasoning skills are "teh shit". She goes off on nothing, doesn't understand simple explanations, etc...

    In order to understand her better, I intentionally allowed myself to become addicted to pain medicine (partially with her knowledge). I took some oxicontin and some percocet and some hydrocodone (whatever I could get) for about 3 months straight.

    Withdrawals were a bitch; make no mistake. There were times when I wanted to climb out of my own skin. I couldn't take interest in my work or my family. I would get irrationally angry about the smallest things. But I knew before I started to expect problems and I knew that I had no desire to be on anything for the rest of my life. Keeping your mind fixed on your real desire will often help one overcome temporary temptation. I think turning away from her medicine when she has it was the hardest test of my will with the possible exception of sexual temptation once before while I was married.

    The thing is, after all of this, I can only conclude that I would rather have my wife in pain and lucid than mostly out of pain and stupid as an average doorstop. I don't know if this is selfish or not. Certainly part of my motive is selfish. When I accepted her vows of marrage the acceptance itself was selfish.

    I know that she will never quit as long as she has the option of taking the pain medicine. I know she will be in pain without it. But this isn't life in my estimation. She's nearly an imbecile. I'm trying not to be mean to her, but she disgusts me. I have little interest in sex unless she is completely lucid and that is rare. When we do have sex I feel more like I'm making love to an animal than the woman I love.

    What can I do? She's an addict with a reason to be one.
     
  2. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    oddly, I have no real response for this.
    that one is kind of like balancing yourself on a small post surrounded by fire, stay on the post, you're going to burn, fall off, you're going to burn...

    though I am quite curious as to the ages, etc.

    what is she like when she's not doped up? is her life managable the way she is? or does she require those drugs to live?

    thats an interesting situation to be in :sad2:
     
  3. Bean

    Bean Guest

    First, discuss with her doctors the situation, let them know she's been reduced to a drooling idiot. You cannot discuss this with her, for in order for her to have a clear understanding she'd have to be off the meds (from the description you gave me). Tell the doctors this has put a heavy strain on your ability to care for her. There are alternative medications that reduce pain without being a narcotic. Try some of them.

    A great one to discuss, is Toradol. It is an effective pain killer, non-steroidal, non-narcotic. There are several others, but I can't remember their names right now.

    Talk to the doc, if s/he's worth salt, s/he'll be able to help you.
     
  4. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    This is indeed a tough issue. I would go with Bean's advice and tell the doctor what's going on. Maybe you can find some sort of medium where she is in mild pain, but is no longer so doped up she is an imbecile. Possibly the dosage could be decreased, or the drugs could be changed. Maybe you could share this information with your wife after she has been off the painkillers for a little bit and see what she wishes to do about it.
     
  5. SkyLeach

    SkyLeach Guest

    The situation started about two years ago. Before that time, she only occasionally took hydrocodine.

    It all really started going down hill after our third child. She was trying to lift the baby to her shoulder, an act she accomplishes by gripping the child's shirt/onesie with her teeth and then using her neck to heave the infant up to her shoulder. Once her neck was injured our doctor prescribed pain medicine to her. Her family doctor was concerned about her intake of acetomenophin and had her start on 90x20mg oxicodone.

    This went on for some time, but then because of legal restrictions on narcotic prescriptions she was transferred to a pain clinic. After some time she had increased to her current dosage. Then the pain clinic was feeling pressure from the government and "cleaned house" kicking everyone out that wasn't a cancer patient for trivial or blatantly false reasons.

    Now her neck is as healed as it will ever be, and she has no more pain from it unless she does something she shouldn't do (like lift babies). Her complaints now center around the disection points on her arms and her hips. The doctor(s) claim that the hip pain (may?) be caused by arthritis (she's 26). They claim that the pain in her arms may be agitation of trapped nerves in the scar tissue which occasionally causes swelling and thereby intense pain.

    None of these symptoms existed before her introduction to serious pain management. All of these symtoms are nearly impossible to diagnose with certainty. I must confess that I have my doubts about exactly how serious the problems are, but I love my wife and want to believe her.

    As to your questions on age, I am 29 and as I already said she is 26.
     
  6. Bean

    Bean Guest

    Again, I urge you to talk to her doctors. The sooner the better. And don't let them tell you they won't do anything...keep hounding them.
     
  7. SkyLeach

    SkyLeach Guest

    I'm not convinced of the wisdom in this. First, it will be impossible to decieve her for long. If/when she finds out that I had anything to do with it she will be excessively angry with me. She has a hell of a temper.

    Second, this is a One Ring type of problem, if you will forgive my reference to popular literature (or movies if you havn't read the book). One of the things Tolkien tried to stress in the LOTR was that Bilbo had to give up the ring of his own free will or he could never be really free of it. This was blatant symbolism as he showed time and again in his lectures and notes concerning the book. It was symbolic both of habitual sin (remember tolkien was a devout catholic when he wrote his famous works) and addictions.

    From my own experiences I also know that I must want to quite anything in order to be free of it. I smoked for 6 years and tried to quit dozens of times. The truth is that I really decided to quit while tripping on acid. This intense desire to end my bondage to nicotine encouraged me to quit forever. I've not smoked in 5 years and the smell of cigarette smoke makes me physically ill now.

    The same principal was true of the pain medicine addiction I suffered for the sake of sympathetic understanding. The hardest part of breaking the addiction was wanting to break it. You feel so much more loving, active, attentive, intelligent... well everything when you take that pill. The warmth of it relaxing you. The thought of it deserting you for a time. Those temptations are hot on your conciousness while you body alternately suffers from the heat and cold of withdrawl. Your mouth waters and your bowls are incontinent and you are never free of that incessant chatter in your own mind that all you have to do is obtain a pill and take a small piece. Just a tiny little piece and it will be over (for now).

    Do you see that if I were the one to place her into that situation I would become her most hated enemy. How long? How many years would the doubt and desire be poisoning her mind?

    No, if she is to be free she must open the door and set her own will upon the path.

    And I have spoken to her. I'm not sure if she is ever lucid enough to really comprehend what I am saying but the debate always turns sour. She has always been leary of me because she mistrusts my Reason. We do not agree on the subject of religion and she too easily falls into the trap of dismissing what I say merely on supposition of my lack of faith.

    The mere fact of the oddity of our physical relationship is an isolating factor in our lives. We do not have many friends, certainly none that I can turn to on this subject. I do not at all trust the people in her church and I'm not entirely certain that she would trust them enough to help her with her problems.

    I have given this subject much thought. I know that there is no easy way out. If I must choose, then I will choose one of these inferior options, but is there no other way?
     
  8. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    This is a very difficult situation, you may consider posting this in The Asylum as well.
     
  9. Bean

    Bean Guest

    I wasn't meaning to keep this from your wife for long, only that you should consult her doctors and explain the situation to them without her, as she is not capable at the moment to make these decisions for herself. I would not, ever, propose a situation in which you would be dishonest with your wife. Talk to her about it, tell her how you feel. Keep at it. There is no easy way out on this.

    I apologize for any unclarity I may have given on the matter. I would not propose dishonesty as a means of progress.
     
  10. Mark

    Mark Diesel Junkie

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    Talk to your doctor. Perhaps you should arrange to have a day (or even an hour) when she is completely sober so you can talk. Your right, she cant truely give up the meds unless she does it out of her own free will. Right now she doesnt even have free will. You need to open the door. It is up to her to walk through it.
     

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