SRS long term effects of overcontrolling and emotionally abusing parents?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by metalfan111, Nov 5, 2006.

  1. metalfan111

    metalfan111 Guest

    What are some typical long term affects would a teenager around 17 years old experience if his parents were wayyy overcontrolling and emotionally abusive? Like always blaming me for things, saying everything is my fault when its not, being way overcontrolling, to the point where I can't leave me house or do anything, and taking control of my life, things like that
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2006
  2. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I imagine it would be anxiety around peers and difficulty having spontaneous fun. Could be a whole range of other issues depending on the person prolly.
     
  3. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    my exGF had parents like this:

    she is now on a personal mission to do everything on her own by ruling out everyone else in her life that matters. If you are a part of her life, she views you as a threat and that you are trying to control her and step on her toes. So she instantly shuts them out from everything.

    She also turned into somewhat of a rebel and is making some seriously horrible decisions in her life.

    She became a different identity when she went away to college and if anyone is a part of that world she has, they are a threat and she will basically smash that threat. She gets scared, gets defensive and becomes very hostile to those "threats"....and she then acts off of that hostility and distances herself.

    She became extremely selfish and self involved...for that reason aswell.


    ***

    I think that is the quick jist of things....and thats also mostly why we aren't together.
     
  4. MaximaDrvr

    MaximaDrvr Member

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    I had/have a mother like this.

    I thank her (to myself) for it now. College was easy. I did go through a rebellion phase. I got myslelf a 1.3 GPA for a semester before I realized that what she had tought me was usefull. My childhood, highschool was hell though. She finaly learned to back off some, it took me being an adult though.

    Long term effects though.
    I have very little emotions, but when I do, the are all out
    I don't love people, even my SO took years to really get attached to. We seperated and now I can't get over her.
    I need attention. Because I always had it, it became the norm in my head.

    There are more, but those are what popped into my head. It can be different for everybody though.
     
  5. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    sound like my exGF :hsd:

    the emotion thing is spot on with her too...
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Can't really give a solid answer. There's no set group of effects, because every person is different, and there can be any number of personal variables that can moderate the effects.

    Also, give us examples of how your parents are overcontrolling and emotionally abusive. Soecific examples, please.
     
  7. Christopher396

    Christopher396 New Member

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    You have to be careful. When you grow up around people like that, you tend to also become like that yourself or you end up attracted to someone like that.
     
  8. MaximaDrvr

    MaximaDrvr Member

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    For examples:
    My mom was/is OC. Every hanger in the house is evenly spaced, approx. 1 inch apart. She cleans and dusts before our house keeper would come (once a month). We were not allowed to walk in certain rooms, to keep the carpets from wearing out. Then would would walk randomly in the room the day before the house cleaner came so she would go in and clean it.

    For emotions:
    I never was able to go out and play till my homework was done. She would grade and go over all of it to make sure it was right. If it was not written neat enough, she would tear up the paper and make me start over. She would write all over the paper, then make me correct it, then start over.
    Starting when I was about 9 she unleashed the sailor mouth. My brother and I would get cussed out and belittled whenever we did anything wrong, or misbehaved. She would reduce us to tears and have us cowering in corners regularly. This was elementary, middle, high school. In high school I was not able to go out at nights, or hang out with my friends on any normal occasions. She lightened up near my junior and senior year somewhat.

    My dad did not get involved ever. He tried to stay out of the way so she wouldn't start in on him too.

    That is the basics and intro to my childhood.
     
  9. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    My only recommendation at this point would be to move out as soon as you're able to. Removing the mentally hazardous environment will go a long way to improving your sanity. The only person you can change is yourself, so trying to change your environment by changing your mother's behaviour will be futile without her willingness to accept your assistance.
     
  10. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    Wow that sucks. Were both your parents born and raised in the US? That sounds like a traditional Eastern European household.
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Ahhh, the old "we'll protect you from everything remotely scary in the world" ideology. Problem is, then when you finally get out into the world, you might have no idea how to deal with any of the stuff your parents supposedly "protected" you from.

    It's like the overprotective parents about sex...they tell their kids, sex is bad, don't do it, but then when the kids can, they have no idea about what can happen, and end up having babies.

    It's like using an oven. If you tell someone they can never never use an oven while they live with their parents, and refuse to let them go near it, what's going to happen the first time they gain access to one? They may get burned!

    Better to expose the child in time and teach him how to be responsible about it's use.

    This last thing will be a zing towards these types of parents...but the whole "if I can't see it, it can't hurt me" attitude is something that you see in very young children...but they eventually realize that it isn't true.
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Good. And I don't know how old you are, but I would encourage you, or younger people in similar situations to seek out trustworthy adults if they are curious about things like drugs or sex.

    Hopefully that's what you did. Ignoring something doesn't make it go away, and I don't see how anyone could parent this way. I just don't get it.
     
  13. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I'm not going to insult you, but I can already guess that you might be someone who uses weed or something like that once in awhile. That's fine, it's your life, and that's not the issue here.

    But, as the OP said, he has seen what drug use MAY do to some people, and he has made a choice to not invite those possibilities to happen with him.

    This is not the thread to get into the whole "the government is trying to brainwash you into thinking all drugs are really really bad when some aren't that bad for you" thing. If you'd like to get into that, I suggest making another thread. Or take it to OTAH.
     
  14. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    I grew up with a controlling father, and my mother fell into the role as submissive wife, even if she didn't fully agree with what he was doing. I also grew up in a Christian household so as you can imagine, lots of restrictions.

    My dad for starters was once a pleasant person, fortunately my brother and sister got to go through their childhoods while he was still pleasant. Before I was born something snapped in him and he became angry, moody, depressed. If he wasn't happy, no one else around him was supposed to be. He also had this attitude that everything he said and did was true and correct. Everyone else around him was just uneducated idiots, including my mom and me.

    Without writing a novel about the details of growing up with him….I always felt like he was out to make sure I had no fun or happiness in my life. Everything from my TV viewing to my social activities had some kind of restriction. Although rules and restrictions are needed when raising a child, these were beyond reasonable. The words “no” or “too bad” were the standard responses I received when I wanted something or if I disagreed with something. If something involving me went wrong, whether it was a spat with a friend or getting in trouble at school, he always made it out to be that I had the larger part of the fault. It also didn’t help that our house was right across the street from my grade school. Everyone knew I lived there and my house was known as the one where that mean psychotic guy lived. On several occasions he threatened some kids that he would call the cops on them. The crime? Sitting on our front fence while hanging out or waiting for someone. Needless to say, it didn’t help my popularity points in the least bit.

    I did have a few good friends throughout school. We fell in the middle of the ranks, not popular but not the outcasts. I still had to tolerate the jabs about my dad and being the “deprived” child. It eventually just became an inside joke with us.

    While I felt hurt and that people were living life to the fullest while I was in the dungeon of parental rule, I did realize I was better off than kids who were in physically abusive situations or those whose families may have been going through terrible financial struggles. My father did provide the earthly material things needed in life…home, food, transportation, clothes etc. But he didn’t provide the emotional support, the shoulder to lean on or just a word of encouragement.

    He died a few months short of my 21st birthday. My mom released me of all his rules and restrictions. All she asked of me was that I cleaned up any messes I made and to give her a call if I was going to be out late or not come home for the evening.

    Even though I had new freedoms with him being gone and not able to control me, I still had issues to deal with. I racked myself for a long time, asking myself why my life had to be the way it had been. I felt I had been cheated out of opportunities and experiences that most “normal” kids and teens got to have. I felt somewhat socially inept. No, I wasn’t locked in a closet, but I would be like :hs: or :eek: or :o if someone invited me to go somewhere/do something that would have been a huge :nono: according to him. I went from sad, to angry to indifferent. Instead of choosing to get on with a new life, for a long time I chose to wallow in what I perceived to be the pain of my old life. I started to become my dad. Moody, depressed, feeling angry toward others for having a good time when I wasn’t.

    It wasn’t until a friend of mine one day verbally slapped me and told me to look at myself and look at how ugly I had become. She nicely told me no one wanted to be around me because I was so negative, and I had nothing good coming from me…just like my dad. She told me that there’s no power in the world to undo the past or to go back in time and try to make things better, but I had all the power to make things happen now and in the future. Boy was she a Godsend at the time, I was on the verge of just saying fuck this life and this world.

    Because of her, from that day forward I changed my attitude and realized that the best way to reflect upon those years was not as the past of a “deprived child” but rather to take from it and learn the valuable lesson of the kind of person to NOT let myself become. For whatever reason my father chose to live as an angry, miserable and controlling person. For that reason, I am choosing to not go down that road. Instead I try to see the good in any situation, even if it sucks, try to make sense of it and come to some kind of resolution. To stop and remember everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know what the reason is at the moment.

    So my advice to the OP would be to grin and bear it. Follow the rules, go with the flow, and don’t make things harder for yourself than they already are. When you are of age (or if you already are), do what you can to get out on your own. And if you are already on your own, don’t let the anger and bitterness eat you up. It gets you now where, except down the road of misery and despair. If anything, learn what kind of person to NOT become when it’s your turn to raise a child(ren). And learn what kind of person to not become to those who are in your life.

    :hug:
     
  15. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Damn KatWoman....that's an awesome read! Thanks for posting it as I can relate to sooo much of what you are describing. We have lived very similar lives.

    My father was similar to KatWoman's and also died right before my 21st birthday. I remember him being controlling, domineering and I grew up scared of him most of the time. However, I knew he loved us very deeply but for whatever reason he was difficult to live with in later life and I was very frustrated that I couldn't help him.

    When he passed away I remember the thought kept going through my mind that I was now free. Free to live the way I wanted to live, do the things I wanted to do.....make my own rules. It's hard (if not impossible) to suddenly change the way you're living. It takes time and effort to change and all those years of living with him were deeply entrenched in my psyche.

    It was only later in life where I found freedom through education.....late 20's or early 30's. I wish I had known about it sooner but I really had to try other paths first.

    Education provides a means to become financially independent. Education provides validation of your hard work through the grades you recieve. Education expands our minds, provides new opportunities and helps us see things differently. Education was one way I found to escape from a dominating person. Afterall, if I can afford to live on my own and I don't have to rely on that person then I'm free.

    I wish I had known how much an education would help me when I was younger. I would have studied much harder during school. It's not the only path but it's one that really does work....on many different levels. Like I said before, I had to try many other paths before I found this one.....but those are topics for a different thread.

    So to the OP, you don't need to focus so much on what the long term effects will be. Until you are independent, financially, you will still have to live with your parents. Getting and education takes time, money, effort and a hell of a lot of perserverence. However, if you stick with it, it can also provide you a true feeling of independence.

    Good luck and God Bless.
     
  16. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    Maybe you're my lost twin :noes: :hug:
     
  17. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    lol...perhaps. :hug:
     
  18. g007monroe

    g007monroe New Member

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    Unfortunately, this is a sad truth. For a majority of my life (up until about 6 years ago - I'm 23), my mother was overcontrolling, emotionally abusive, etc. As a result, I have unobtainably high standards for myself. There's always the fear of rejection, reprimand, failure, etc. I'm in the process of sorting it all out to get over it, but that stuff runs pretty deep.:hs:

    My mother and I are much closer now, as she had an epiphany a few years ago (she had spent the summer at her mom's house out of state, helping out when my grandfather had a stroke). She saw that she was actually following her mother's footsteps and realized what she had been doing all her life.

    I will probably never know exactly what kind of "damage" was done, because I don't have the opportunity to see what kind of person I'd be if it never happened. It's all working out though, and I've already seen a huge improvement in myself in the past 5 years. I can't change my past, but I can change my future. (That, and I don't ever want my kids to go through anything like that.)
     
  19. metalfan111

    metalfan111 Guest

    While I'm only 17, I feel exactly like the part I bolded. It's gotten so bad that it controls the way I live and it makes my life so frustrating.

    Thanks KatWoman for your post, that sounds a lot like my dad.

    I'm going to college next year and I've been talking to my best friend about it. I tell him everything I go through specifically and he helps a lot. I can't wait until college because I'll finally be on my own and not have my parents holding me back. My best friend says I'm going to go crazy in college because I will not be able to handle the freedom because I'm not used to it.
     
  20. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    You can handle the freedom, you have to tell yourself that. You don't want to go in with an attitude of fuck everything Dad said, I'm gonna go do this and that etc etc. You should still maintain some standard of morals and not go out on mission to hurt others because you were hurt.

    Just remember to view your time at home with dad (or mom) as a lesson in WHO NOT to become :hug:
     
  21. metalfan111

    metalfan111 Guest

    These are some small things they do, but they add up. I'm 17, going to college in less then a year and I can't rent teen rated video games because they have a gun in them, I can't buy parental advisory CDs because they say hearing fuck over and over is too damaging for me, I can't go to a college that is over an hour away from where I live because they say I need to be close to home

    I got in a car accident a few weeks ago and one of my friends mom was asking what happened and I told her. She then talked to my mom and said she heard what happened. My mom got pissed at me because I told her. I told my mom I can't lie to her about it so I had to tell her what happened. My mom said I should have lied to her. A few weeks ago I got introuble wiht my parents because I lied, after I got introuble with that, they told me never to lie again. But then they told me to lie to that mom.

    Sprint came out with this service that lets parents track their kids cellphones online, so the parents know everywhere the kid is. My parents don't trust me so they are going to buy that service just so they can track me down everyday. It's so fucking retarded

    Whenever I try to argue with them, they laugh in my face and say im wrong. It makes me want to go crazy, it's just soo annoying and irritating.

    Those are just some of the small things they do, they arn't the reason I made this thread, it's just something I wanted to say beacues it pisses me the fuck off.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2006
  22. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Oh man....I'm sorry to hear all that. :hug:

    Try to focus on the positive...if you can. You'll be 18 in less than a year and you'll be able to make your own decisions then. They can't legally force you to do anything, but if you still live under their roof, they can exert some serious pressure on you.

    I hope you're just venting when you say you want to kill them because following through on that will seriously fuck your life up. And don't think that because you're under 18 that you'll "get away with it cuz you are a kid". Wrong. Most states try under age kids that commit murder as adults. That means you go to places you don't ever want to go....prison is seriously not good.

    You can also start taking steps to ensure your independence. You can get a job, save your money, keep your debt level very low and simply pay cash for everything. You'll need a lot of money to move out so it's best to plan this out before you leave. With parents like yours it's most likely that you won't be able to move back in once you leave.

    Hang in there man.
     
  23. metalfan111

    metalfan111 Guest

    I'll make a more detailed reply later but I would definitely never kill them or do anything to hurt them. I said that because I was mad, I would never kill or hurt anyone.
     
  24. FrogtownHippies

    FrogtownHippies New Member

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    First of all you can become emo. That's the worst of it, it will all be uphill from here.

    My gf had the type of parents where she got in extreame trouble if she lied, she got the belt, was told by her mother to jump off the balcony, etc. etc.

    So with her I find the effect for if her and I are play fighting she can get really upset over something because of a memory. She is extreamly emotional and needy. She is has a constant fear of us breaking up because she feels she has no family. I've yet still to find positives to their methods.
     
  25. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I was hoping that was all you were doing. I can certainly understand the sentiment. No worries man.
     

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