Long story, but i really need help.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by efbomb, Apr 7, 2009.

  1. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    3,497
    Likes Received:
    0
    The summarized story; around new years my friends and I are out at the bar and my roommate tells me his cousin is going to stop by. She shows up and I Immediately I notice she is pretty hot, she is 22 and I’m 26, totally opposite of my taste (I like blondes that look like the ”good girl” type , she has black curly hair, cute face with piercings and a tattoo on the back of her neck and wrist, and she smokes), yet there is something that makes me want to get to know her. I talk to her a little and find out we have some things in common and she’s pretty fun to talk to. She eventually gets my number from her friend and starts texting me about her laptop, and I go to her place to fix her laptop for her and we end up talking for hours and hours about nothing, I leave her place as friends but excited cause she seemed to like me.
    After that night she is like blowing me up thru text, like some days are 50-75 texts totally flirting. I’m just going with it because it nice to have someone take interest in me like that and I’m getting all giddy from the attention, but it did seem a little overboard. We start to talk on the phone and I’m flirting with her, even tho I’m apprehensive because she isn’t my type and I don’t like the fact that she smokes and doesn’t really show any girly manners, she’s kind of crude mannered sometimes.
    One night she invites me to the bar with her and her roommate, I go with a wingman and we are aren’t drinking. I notice she is talking to a lot of guys, and I’m a little nervous because of the last relationship that I got cheated on happened this same way. She has like a ½ tattoo sleeve on her right arm and we talk about that, she confesses that she is a sucker for guys with tattoos :noes: ( I have none, but have always wanted one) and thinks they are really sexy on guys. After a while she comes over and sits on my lap and starts to kiss my cheek and forehead and telling me I’m such a sweet guy and she really likes me, and asks me to come home with her to hang out. I give them a ride cause I’m sober, and before she takes me in her place she says I don’t want to have sex:eek3: . I stay the night and we don’t have sex and pretty much she tells me I’m the nicest guy she’s ever met and she really really likes me.
    I’m loving the attention and affection and we start hanging out like every other day and spending the night together and start getting to know each other pretty well. We hang out more, end up having sex after about a week and its awesome. I open up to her and love the attention and affection she gives me. She tells me she is totally falling for me, has never had anyone treat her like I treat her, but is scared because she thinks were totally opposites and she doesn’t want to get hurt. I tell her that the only real problem I have his her smoking and her manners bother me sometimes. She admits her manners are an issue and she wants to get better, but then tells me she is a smoker and doesn’t see any reason to change that right now unless she gets pregnant, and basically makes an ultimatum that if I don’t just deal with the fact that she is a smoker then the relationship is over. :noes:
    I think about it and realize that I used to smoke and quit on my own, my grandparents were together for 55 years and only one smoked and they made it along just fine and were happy together, maybe she will eventually grow up some and being around me more will make her want to quit. So I tell her I’ll deal with it for now, but it still bothers me and I’m making a compromise to keep the relationship going (mistake number one, I know).
    So we keep going, hanging out, sex, spending time together and everything is great except in the back of my head the whole time I’m thinking this might never work and I’m not going to eventually get serious with her unless she changes. Meanwhile she is noticing that I’m not 100% committing to her and is getting scared and lastnight she told me that i'm the best thing that's ever happened to her and she doesnt want to think about her life without me ..... :eek3:

    This is the catch; she is on depression medication, it runs in her family. She cuts when she is depressed and cant handle emotional stress very well, i've seen the scars. She says she only has to when she goes thru a breakup or something really bad, and doesnt even think about it when she is on depression pills.
    I’m scared shitless to think that now I will be responsible for her doing that to herself if I bail. I seriously don’t know what to do.

    1; should I keep giving this a chance cause everything is good except the smoking and her attitude, and hope she grows up ?
    2; should I Bail, and risk her really hurting herself and getting out of control.



    I know everyone is going to say GTFO, and forget about her problems. but i cant stand the thought of her cutting herself because of me, it makes me sick to my stomach from the guilt.





    any help ?
     
  2. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2003
    Messages:
    18,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario
    She wouldn't be cutting herself because of you. She would be cutting herself because of her own mental issues.

    Sounds like you two are still having a good time together. But even if/when it ends don't let her causing herself bodily harm affect your decision.
     
  3. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2007
    Messages:
    30,849
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Rhode Island
    Wow.

    Ok.

    Here we go.

    You just moved yourself into a VERY, VERY difficult situation. Stage 5 clinger ahead.

    Knowing that you were getting into a relationship with someone w/ different from you to begin with is a good thing. It allows you to open up and learn more about yourself as well as the other person you are opening up to. Dont look down at the fact that she does things that bother you, but look down on the fact that you are willing to 'compromise' for something you aren't sure of. Its not healthy to you, nor is it healthy to her.

    You're worried about 'involuntarily' harming her, amirite? Well, this situation will only get worse if you continue to have this 'relationship' with her. It's obvious from things you've said that she has SERIOUS depression issues. The ways shes acting to you, things she's saying to you, and ultimatums she's given you shows that only one thing matters to her, HER.

    This sounds like its going to turn into one of those, "Im not happy, but I dont want to break her heart" posts. You already know somethings up, otherwise you wouldnt have made this post.

    So you know tahts what 'should be done' per say, but yet you dont want to realize it? Unfortunately this girl really needs some help. Her depression issues are over looked/put on pause when you're around cause you are creating some instant happiness in her life. She doesn't have that void/absense feeling which leaves to her depression after 'break ups' and such. If she's on medication for it, its obviously a re-occuring problem. Not something that you are going to cause if/when you leave/break up with her.

    ----

    Cliffs : The girl is obviously a girl in serious need of help. The medication shes taking is an obvious sign of incapability to live on her own. She sounds like the type of women who needs someone their just to be their. I would personally advise to get out now because over time, emotions and love are the only things that are going to be harder to pull apart.
     
  4. Reign

    Reign Banned

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2003
    Messages:
    21,304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Westminster, CO
    Holy shit... let me think about this one for a bit. Delicate.

    Yeah, i got nothing. I've never delt with a woman like that before. Honestly my first thought is to stick with it, you never know where it will go. However she sounds like a major clinger and also sounds like she hangs out in bars a lot and isn't used to nice guys talking to her; hence why she likes you (I'm guessing you don't spend a lot of time in bars). Yeah, she has emotional issues but everyone goes through shit (though hers sound a bit more deep rooted). You said she's the cousin of one of your friends, maybe you could find out more?

    Best bet is to be honest. Tell her you like her but are hesitant on getting too seriously involved with someone that seems like your opposite. I probably wouldn't mention your concerned that she's emotionally unstable. You already told her you don't like smokers, so you left yourself at least one out already.

    I dunno man...

    Best advice I got is whatever you do, proceed with caution.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2009
  5. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2002
    Messages:
    14,236
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    NYC
    depends what stage of life you are at.

    sounds like you don't have a TON of women experience and these one should be interesting. Right now this relationship does not seem to be doing any harm to you, and does seem to be a worthwhile experience.

    do you want to GTFO, or just think thats what everyone is going to say?

    short end of the story is does she make your stomach feel like butterflies or knots when you see her?
     
  6. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2004
    Messages:
    23,699
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NoVA
    Well the smoking is either a dealbreaker for you or it isn't. Personally I don't think I could seriously date someone who smokes, but plenty of people do and are fine with it.

    As far as her being on meds for depression- that's a good thing! Sure, she has a past of hurting herself. Lots of people do. The fact that she's actively doing something about it, is honest about it, and admits that she doesn't have a problem when she is on meds means it's okay. If she suddenly stopped taking her meds or started cutting herself again then obviously you would need to re-evaluate the situation, but don't cut and run just because she's had issues in the past.

    On that note if you want to cut and run, don't worry about how it will effect her. That may sound callous, but realistically she's going to be fine or not no matter what you do. So you need to do what is best for you and let her, her family and her friends worry about her. I mean you should still be as nice about it as possible, but don't even think about staying around her because you're scared she'll hurt herself. That would be the wrong thing to do.
     
  7. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    3,497
    Likes Received:
    0
    THanks. I think this may be the root of my problem. I'm constantly holding back because i'm not sure if its worth the compromise.

    I think i'f i just accepted the fact that she smokes and gave it more time it would clear some things up for me.

    Both, knots when i feel her giving me the "i love you" look. because of guilt. and when i'm away from her and she calls or messages i get butterflies.
    idk.
     
  8. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    3,497
    Likes Received:
    0
    nail on the head, she may be a clinger but i like the attention and being in constant contact with her. It doesnt really bother me that much ... especially since i have calasis on my thumbs so i dont get texting blisters ... kidding

    She is 22, everyone that age goes to the bars alot, i did and then around 23 just stopped going cause it got boring. However the last 2 weekends she has decided not to go out to the bars with her friends and we stayed home together and played xbox and grilled out, and made cookies. it was awesome. I told her never to ditch her friends for me and she said she just wants to spend time with me and if she wanted to go out with her friends she would. i make her happy, she makes me happy because she appreciates me, there are good things and bad things.

    its just i dont know if i can deal with her baggage... i guess time will tell.
     
  9. Reign

    Reign Banned

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2003
    Messages:
    21,304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Westminster, CO
    Has she told you she loves you and vice versa?
     
  10. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2002
    Messages:
    14,236
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    NYC
    Just decide If the smoking is a dealbreaker or not. If it is, give her the choice.
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    there is no choice to give her. she told him that she will quit when she gets pregnant before the relationship started, so now its his choice to decide if hes going to look past it, or end it with her because of it.

    TS, if the smoking is a deal breaker, its a deal breaker. you cant force yourself to be ok with it. if its still bugging you, its probably always going to bug you. you know you cant just sit around and hope she quits since she told you she had no intentions of doing that, so you need to decide if you want to date a smoker.

    as for her being a cutter, you cant let be the reason you stay with her. if you are going to stay with her, be with her because you love her, you enjoy your time together, shes a cool girl, etc. if the smoking is too much, end the relationship. if she threatens to cut or harm herself, tell her parents, the police, a suicide helpline, etc. its HER problem that she needs to get help about, not something that you need to feel guilty for. its her lack of the ability to sanely deal with a breakup or hard situation in life thats at fault, not the fact that you no longer want to date her.
     
  12. Reign

    Reign Banned

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2003
    Messages:
    21,304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Westminster, CO
    Oh... as for the smoking thing. You don't have to tell her to outright quit. Ask her if she could do it when you're not around, or if she could go outside, etc, etc. She might recognize you really don't like it and just quit on her own that way.
     
  13. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    3,497
    Likes Received:
    0
    No. I told her that I don't say love unless i mean it. I have felt love before, and i feel like we could eventually get there. I'm just not letting myself right now until i can figure out how to deal with these other things and giving it more time. I think true love takes time and u will know it when you feel it. i haven't yet.

    And i have been honest and so has she, witch is totally awesome. Lastnight even, i told her that the smoking thing still bothers me and I want her to know that i'm having to make a comprimise to keep myself going in this relaitonship because i want to see where it will go. she was okay with that and feels bad that i have to do that to keep myself in the relationship.
     
  14. Bob Brown

    Bob Brown bewshit, bewshit, bewshit

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2007
    Messages:
    3,909
    Likes Received:
    0
    I 100% agree with this. I myself have overlooked my smoking-dealbreaker tendancy twice and the first time it was great until we realized she would never change and neither would I so we just ended it. The second time, she would never want to talk about it when I brought it up (teh first time by accidnet but then later on purpose cause I was trying to figure out where we were heading). Basically, you'll start to resent it down the road and you should never change yourself for others if they are not willing to change. Better to realize this now than worse heartbreak down the road.
     
  15. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    stop saying that. its a choice you made. its not her fault, you dont need to keep rubbing it in her face.
     
  16. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    3,497
    Likes Received:
    0

    Thanks for the advice. I think this is what i need to figure out.

    She did however tell me that she would consider quitting, but smoking relaxes her, especially when she gets stressed. she said she has tried to quit before and it made her all stressed to the point where she felt like cutting. So its either smoking or cutting is basically what she said.


    The cutting thing does bother me, but honestly she has seen a shrink or psyc or whatever it is. She said the Dr. prescribed meds to help control the problem, but she needs to basically grow out of it. She needs to want to quit cutting and she has told me that she does and never wants to do it again. She also said if she is happy ( with someone in a relationship) that there woudl never be a reason to think about it and someday she would eventually forget that she cuts to relieve pain.

    So maybe it would be worth it to stick it out and both of these things would eventually not become an issue.
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    i hate to break it to you, but the bolded is bullshit. that sounds like a line to trap you in the relationship and prevent you from leaving her.

    life happens, and its not always going to make her happy. whats going to happen if she looses a best friend, a parent, you guys get in a fight, etc? it will never be a non-issue because all of these things are a part of life and things are bound to be hard and not happy at multiple points down the road. if her way of dealing with her cutting issue is to just assume it will go away, thats not good or healthy for her.
     
  18. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Messages:
    6,484
    Likes Received:
    1
    So wait, she will permanently quit smoking if she gets pregnant, or she will stop smoking during the pregnancy?

    I like your AV and I <3 boobies too.
     
  19. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    3,497
    Likes Received:
    0
    She had asked me what was bothering me because she had been noticing that she thinks i'm being distant. I told her that it was about smoking, and she basically asked me to spill my guts about it and i did. I didnt just call her out on it.

    I barely ever bring it up, maybe once in a while give her shit for it. Just about as often as she gives me shit for not wearing underwear :wiggle:
     
  20. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    3,497
    Likes Received:
    0
    THanks! lolz

    Yes, she said the only way she thinks she would quit smoking is if she got pregnant. She said that it would be for good, if she went 9 months then she might as well stop for good.
     
  21. maybeitsyou

    maybeitsyou New Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2004
    Messages:
    4,724
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    you can just ask her to smoke around you less. that wouldnt hurt.
     
  22. k1ko

    k1ko OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2002
    Messages:
    6,658
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    ATX
    If she is depressed the optimal treatment is talking to a professional AND meds, not just one or the other. Let her know that... be supportive.
     
  23. efbomb

    efbomb New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    3,497
    Likes Received:
    0
    She does see a DR. every 2 months i believe, and he provides the prescription i know that.
    I don't talk to her about it and she doesn't seem all that crazy to me, but maybe its because i've never had the chance to see her loose it or i just dont notice it because i'm crazy like her.
     
  24. THoC

    THoC New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2007
    Messages:
    7,341
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TRampa, FL
    i dont see why you keep referring to sticking it out and hope she changes after she "grows up".

    smoking and being crude are not signs of someone being young or immature.

    i do not smoke but know plenty of "grown up" people who do.
    im 31 and im still crude.
    those will be two things you have to decide to deal with or if you cant get out.

    as far as the cutting. there is NO WAY i would be able to stay with someone who cuts themselves.
    i actually have a poor view of people who are even on depression meds.... much less trying to cause themselves harm.

    can you respect her if you catch her cutting herself bc you two had an argument?
     
  25. k1ko

    k1ko OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2002
    Messages:
    6,658
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    ATX
    if you arent a depressed person, its hard to know what it feels like. I am not depressed either but I do know that I could never empathize with someone that does go through it. It has to be pretty shitty though...
     

Share This Page