SRS Long read, hopefully worth the time

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by phoenix1105, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. phoenix1105

    phoenix1105 OT Supporter

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    My name is Jason and I have lurked for a while here, much like in real life. I need a place to vent, and get a different perspective or two from other people. Mine is a long story, but at this point I don't know where to turn.

    To start with I had the usual rough childhood at the hands of an abusive father. What he did, my mind has blocked out. My social anxiety really started in high school, about age 16. I went to a shrink and they put me on paxil(the drug of hell) and xanax. I finished HS and went to a community college for ~1.5 years and the transferred to Florida state. By that time I had tried nearly ever anti-anxiety med out on the market and nothing worked. I was literally scared to death to go to class. To be honest I am extremely intelligent, but I have no social skills. I also am very close to a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome, thou no test exts. So I did the only thing I thought would help me keep it together. I went to all the psychiatrists I could find and I got any benzos I could. I was day trading, so I payed the bills without insurance.

    That worked for a while until I couldn't keep up with the tolerance. So I used alcohol to enhance the effects the benzo. I made it a year at Florida State and then transferred to University of South Florida. It was by pure coincidence that I had a root canal done, and the doc gave me vicoprofen. All of the sudden I could quiet my mind and feel in control of the anxiety and fear in my life. I graduated undergrad and grad with 4.0s a piece even though I was basically crying myself to sleep every night.

    I also found during my grad work the worst thing possible; I like to cut. It is the paramount essence of control. I had virtually no self esteem, no belief that anyone would find me attractive and a decent amount in the bank. For me, that was a deadly combination. A girl I went to school with called one day and said she and her girlfriend we going to a strip club. They were both bi, and decent friends. I said sure because no one had ever invited me for anything. I made the mistake of taking my platinum Amex with me, and wore a 1oz. Krugerrand. I found a beautiful redhead, and she found a mark in me. I dropped close to 15k that night on her. The supreme irony is that up until that point I had never kissed a girl or even seen one naked outside of porn. I was a total virgin in every sense of the word, and I was 25 years old.

    I wanted so badly for someone to find me desirable even if it was for my money. After that night I went back put never found the same girl. So I posted a profile and shit on an "adult dating site" and after a couple weeks someone responded. She was not even close to what I would have considered my type but I had no value in myself. so I responded. We met and I could tell she wanted me, I was mesmerized that someone would want to be with be at all. She was a nurse, and very codependent. That was great for me, because she adored me. She had two kids and I loved being a stay st home dad.

    Then little things started going missing. First it was a hundred here and there, and then it became thousands. She said she was building a life for us, but in reality she was pissing the money away trying to sue her ex-husband. Then I got sick with some kind of illness that created huge amounts of pain on my L3,4,5 vertebra, leaving me basically bedridden. The sad thing was that I was, and still am taking a drug called topamax for migraines. If you don't keep the dose constant you can develop memory problems and confusion.

    So basically I was drugged up, and she spent close to 60k on new furniture, a couple high end computers, and a big ass plasma TV. When I started to notice more changes I called my mom and she helped me move out. In order to get the stuff we would have to fight her in court, and I am not sure if I gave her the card, or she took it. Either way I got out and moved back home.

    I left her in May and have since been to every major research hospital east of the Mississippi and everyone says something is wrong with my neuro chemical levels, and my blood work is out of whack. And now I am left to wonder what to do with my life.

    I have started cutting more in areas that don't have major veins or arteries. I have also stockpiled a very lethal collection of pills. I guess what it boils down to is that I need a reason to live. My career requires a fair amount of walking, and that irritates the pain in my back which then makes me pretty much ineffective.

    I want someone in my life, not for money, as that is weaning, but for me. I want to move out of my mom's house but I need an income. I don't want to stand so close to the abyss of killing myself, but I don't know where to go. Counseling has never worked for me for 2 reasons. First off I have been in and out since I was a child so I know how they think and can usually control the conversation without giving anything up. 2nd, My Masters is in social work so I am just as qualified as they are to provide services. If I do in and tell someone I am a cutter or I have suicidal plans I lose any chance of of a career and a nice stint in the psych ward. I feel like I am trapped and don't know what to do. If anyone wants to comment/ask questions thats great, however if you can offer any advice I would be greatful/
     
  2. scarletbegonia

    scarletbegonia New Member

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    As unappealing as mental hospitals sound, they really can work if you give them a chance. The longer doctors have to spend time with you and learn your situation the more accurate their diagnosis and medication prescribed will become. I was in and out of three mental hospitals back in 2006 for about 5 months and finally got my medication well adjusted and was back to a decent state within a few months after that.

    As for you being qualified in social work, I'm very sure that helps but it's always good to get a different perspective. I'm reading a book now called An Unquiet Mind written by a manic depressive psychiatrist who also had suicidal issues. Even she went to other psychiatrist and thought they were no help, just like you, in the beginning and later found a psych that really understood her situation enough to help.

    There will always be people who are willing to help, and there will always be a way out of whatever pain you're going through. Some ways are just harder and take longer to find.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    What you basically need is a root canal repair on your soul. Because the root of all these social anxiety problems is your father who beat the crap out of your life, which has steered it emotionally whise into a devastating direction.

    What you wanted/expected as a child was the love from your father, and for him to accept you. This is exactly what he killed, and devastated , you are still seeking for this kind of love and acceptance from your father today, which you of course now you will never get, because he is a selfish and hatefull individual who only searched to forfill his own needs. Years of neglect and abuse made you search for his love and because it was unforfilled, i think your father moved out of your life at one point, because that would explain why you started to project your childhood onto your enviroment and everyone. Thinking that no one would accept you, and that no one would love you. And you know getting the crap beaten of yourself, its not strange at all that you came to the point of thinking just that.

    Well you are wrong, we at the Asylum love :hug::love::hug:, care and accept you unconditionally. And this is what your father exactly should have done as a responsible adult caretaker and failed to do. But what you should do isn't blame your father for all these things. If you live in hate for those who make your life miserable, then that hate starts to consume you and make you miserable yourself, rather try to forgive ,understand the mistakes your father make in the context of him being a human being, and love him despite of all the mischief he caused at you. But before you are ready for that, you need to learn how to love yourself.

    You see, before you can reach intellectual stability, you need to reach emotional stability. Because of the abuse your emotions have been dealt a severe blow, and your self esteem and belief that others could accept and love you has been tampered.

    You know , i had a very negative father. Nothing good was ever possible, every attempt to spawn something was immediatly destroyed. Which made me come to a realisation. Like a seed, needs not only the ingredients like sunshine,water and soil. It also needs a chance to grow. If you like my dad would stamp immediatly on the ground with negativity, the seed would never have a chance to grow. The conclusion thus is that , growth is a delicate process that needs a fertile soil and fair chances if it is allowed to grow. You also need to give your emotions a second chance to grow, but you have to do that in a decent way. You see,

    You need to be like a castle gate closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy into your castle they will only end up destroying it(even if its family), and leaving you crying over the ruins.From there you can keep on crying, or rebuild your life, i advice you to rebuild your life.

    Do not expect leperchauns to appear and solve your issues, do not wait, be the dictator of your own life and take the situation in your own hands.

    There are only three directions in life, down where death lies, stay where you are and go in circles, or up where an improved life lies ahead, the first 2 are worthless and lead to nowhere, this is important because it means you can set the course of your life, to the only direction that is valuable ,namely upwards towards into progress. It doesn't matter from there on wether you win or lose in life, you simply keep on following the positive course, that way you can ALWAYS be confident no matter what happens, because you know that going for gold in your life is the only right way to live.

    If change was just a thought, then anyone could do it. But reality is that you can't just sit around feeling miserable for yourself and the situation you are in while being punched in the face by the reality of life. Those thoughts of change, can't become real if you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself, if you want to change then why would you stay in a state of paralyzation? If that happens it means you do not want to change, you are simply waiting for the world and people to change around you as you see fit, therefore

    Without walking, there's no way to move forward, you'll just end up waiting.

    Its not about being smart in your case, its much much more about bringing yourself into emotional balance , i therefore advice you to buy a yoga book and meditate into bringing yourself into balance.

    You need to redirect the energy you are investing into cutting, into doing constructive ,positive things in your life. Do you like gardening? It would be nice even just for symbolical reasons, to buy a seed, and plant it, taking good care of it, and watching grow out into a beautifull flower. If the plant dies,(for whatever reason) give yourself a second chance into trying to grow it again. I mean thats how your emotional life works.

    To get rid of your social anxiety, get winamp and listen to comedy central an hour each day. That way you will learn that talking and intereaction with other people isn't a form of punishment or self torture, rather a positive and fun experience in so that you would love to talk to other people.

    If you have a scale , to the left with negative experiences, and to the right with positive experiences. You have to make sure to organise positive experiences in your life, and fill your life with them , so that the positive things will outweight the bad things, which will make you say: i live a wonderfull life: Positive experiences = happy life. Negative experiences = shitty life.

    So you really have to start realising that its YOU who makes YOU happy. You are the captain of your ship that has set a course into a positive direction. Negative stuff may happen, but you have to make sure that your course towards positivity and emotional balance remains the same. As with all in life Nothing grows, unless you make an effort for it.

    Keep pushing the bad things/people/experiences out of your life, and bring in good people/things/experiences.

    One more last thing about why you should quit cutting. Imagine yourself being in a jail and you want to get out, what works better? Cutting yourself or a key? You need to find the right approuch (key) to solve your problems. Lets say there's a huge rock blocking your path, will cutting with a knife in it clear the path? Nope, use dynamite instead. Make sure in life that you use the right key approuch to solve the puzzles that unlock the doors to a better future.
     
  4. phoenix1105

    phoenix1105 OT Supporter

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    I thank everyone for their words, as they each carry unique meaning. I guess, at least in my mind, the next logical question, deals with the last post.

    How do I begin to actualize positive self worth thoughts and actions? By no means do I mean to trivialize a messageboard or those on it, in fact I have read a lot of your posts Darketernal. You in particular seem to be a very compassionate and understand person. I understand most of your post except how to make the first step towards accepting me for me.
     
  5. phoenix1105

    phoenix1105 OT Supporter

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    Oh the shit in my life just keeps getting better... my ex sweet talked AMEX into sending her a Platnium card in her name. She charged up close to 25k in 1 day before I got the email from AMEX that a card was issued. Thankfully I won't be responsible for this clusterfuck but I bet someone is getting an asschewing at Amex.

    Any ideas on how to stop her from pulling this shit? My attorney is going after my ex, and I gave my mom limited power of attorney so I wouldn't have to be involved, as I think it would just drag me down...
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    My worries are with the ex, like the castle example if you appreciate my words, listen closely when i say that you want to completely push her out of the picture and out of your life, She is probably the most self destructive woman you will meet in your life, and pray to god you won't meet worse. Destructive actions lead to nothing positive on the long term. You can miss them like a bad toothacke. Close your castle gate for these kind of people.

    The first step towards yourself is to love yourself unconditionally and supporting yourself for the positive things you do. Afterall if no one in this world would support you, you better make sure you support yourself.

    From there logical intereaction sets in. You say to yourself im here at this point in my life, how do i proceed in the best way to the next level? By climbing the ladder you constantly improve the quality of your own life. You do this not just by being smart, but as said before ACTING SMART, afterall life is an active thing. The motivation to do this, at least from my point of view is as said to escape the misery from below. You already experienced how unsatisfying the void is. I think that the best thing anyone ever said on this forum is that Drugs,alcohol and hate only amplify the void in your life.

    There's nothing in this universe that can make you happy, exept loving and helping other people. So in order to find yourself, you need to communicate and intereact in a loving way.

    It doesn't really matter what job you do or occupy, as long as it involves helping other people. You must consider yourself and your personality as a rough diamond, which you need to chisel in the way you want it to shine.
     

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