Long distance relationship. Need help/advice

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Panoptimist, Aug 19, 2009.

  1. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    I can't give you our entire backstory but to understand what is going on I need to explain a little...

    My girlfriend and I have been attached at the hip for 7 months. We fell straight into love and never looked back. We're eachother's best friend (I can safely say she is mine) and both call eachother "the one." We're so alike in terms of our personality and emotional development that it is scary. "Two peas in a pod." Sometimes that helps us, sometimes it hurts. But I truly believe that we relate to eachother in such a special way that it is something that I would never give up.

    We both became too dependent on eachother. Attached at the hip. My lack of emotional restraint and dicipline caused me to let my schoolwork slip to an irretrievable level. That was the thing I had going. GPA from 3.67 to 3.2 in a semester. That semester doesn't look good on paper.

    Anyway, I'm 20, girlfriend is 22. She was supposed to have graduated this past spring from college but due to all of her transfers and performance in college she has a few semesters left. I helped her a lot last semseter academically and she pulled her grades up significantly. She took a course this summer which she Aced and I really feel that I helped keep her in discipline mode and intrigued about the class.

    Well she was planning on starting the year out in school again but suddenly things changed a few weeks ago when her sister called her about an open-casting for ew a nsex and the city movie or something.

    Well my beautiful girlfriend is an aspiring actress. It is her "passion." She took some classes at a Film academy last summer and apparently was gonna make the move to the city but a boyfriend at the time and her doubts
    about making such a big transition held her back.

    Apparently I "give her the confidence to make this move and follow her dreams" because in the 3 weeks since her sister called and she went up to that first audition (and ended up staying in the city for 2 weeks when she had planned to stay for 2 days) she's dropped out of school, sublet her apartment, and is looking for aparentments in NYC. Her older sister lives in the city and has been helping her. I think its good for her to have her sister, but I blame her sister for pushing her into this without thinking.

    Her daddy can afford to cover her rent while she lives in new york "actressing and modeling." When she was up there last week she was told by the crew at hollister that she had a job working the register. She has no plans for taking acting classes at a school yet. To me it sounds like she's gonna be living a fucking party.

    I'm feeling so many emotions right now its unbelievable. I came to pick her up in the city after her 2-day trip turned into a two week stint. The day after we got back I'm taking her to the train station so she can be there this week to do some extras gig. I feel that after everything she's said about us and I, all the emotions, that it is wierd she can just take off and go live in the city. She claims that she wants this, wants to be together "forever" type of thing, and I do. I believe in this connection, its unlike one I've ever felt. I just can't imagine a long distance relationship like this for such a long duration after we've been so close. I don't want to spend my time with anyone else, and it is kind of unhealthy, however I want nothing more than to live and work together.

    I know this is probably best for us so that we can both get focused. I just feel that my focus is more "legitimate" but I sacrificed so much progress I had made when I let everything go jumping into this. It just hurts me in a way that she is ready, almost overnight, to leave me behind to go party in NYC. We're both jealous people and have wanted eachother to ourselves. The fact she's able to make such a big move with what seems like no problems kills me. But I know its that she's just distracted by everything, the crowd, the scene, the people. She's a fucking gorgeous girl surrounded by gorgeous girls and guys. I just really don't know about her self-control. But she promises she wants this more than anything and she is a very strong girl, I just worry worry worry maybe not even that she'll do something wrong, but she'll put herself in wrong situations unknowingly or just be next to the wrong person at the bar. I worry about her when she drinks a lot, etc. I guess I'm projecting because now I've got to get my school back on track, I feel all alone and I've let everything go for so long for this one person and this person has decided to move on. My sole focus will be on school and developing my resume so I can make a smooth transition to the city. I will be operating autonomously with a half-empty heart.

    She claims she doesn't have to worry because I've been doing it all - and I have. It's naturally hard for me to contain my emotions and this has been emotion overload. Ultimately I support her move and transition to the fullest because she is happy now where she is and what she is doing. It will also give me the opportunity to focus without distraction on doing my job. I feel bad mostly because I let my emotions turn the focus of the conversations down a negative path. She's the same way I just need to be the one who learns how to be above it. And I feel I was learning the more we were together. Now I feel like she's talking to me condescendingly from 400 miles away. I guess I'm also projecting jealousy over the fact that everything for comes easier in the sense that she's blessed with family money. I can't let myself and my projections create problems that aren't there and ruin something so good, but I'm so fucking messed up now. She tells me every second she wants this, that she will wait. She talks very maturely about this being best for both of us and that we can be apart for however long and make it work. She is in it now as much as she can be, I know that is true. I just dont want feelings to fade as we naturally become used to our separation. Again, I feel it will be easier for her to be distracted by new things, new groups of people, etc. and it is wrong to hold her back from that, I guess I just wish my life included all of that at this point too. I made a life altering move by neglecting school for her and that's a hard lesson learned, but I've put too much in, learned too much, and felt too much to let this go. I believe that this is the "one." I love this girl, and if things are meant to be, they will work out. I guess I just need school to start to get me focused. I have been very alone here in her empty apartment taking care of the dog. Fuck I'm just so lonely and depressed now. I haven't been as emotionally supportive about this as I should be, but I'm still so shocked about it all that its hard for me to say to her "yeah, do whatever!" without worrying or thinking about things. I just need to stay focused. I miss my girl.
     
  2. k1ko

    k1ko OT Supporter

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    dude before you kill the relationship, you need to control your emotions a little better and practice some restraint. It is very noble of you to be helping her out so much and thinking of her, but you need to put yourself first. If you can't help yourself, how can you help someone else? You gotta step up and be the man in this. So what if emotions rule her, you gotta act by logic and what is "right" for you. Focus on school and get your grades back up. Let her pursue her dreams and be supportive and not over bearing. I think thats the best play you can do right now.
     
  3. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Wow.

    I hope for your mental sake as well as her own that you two dont break up any time soon.

    That being said, grow a set of balls, you're your own man, stop implementing these thoughts into your head where you 'need' her to be there with you in order to continue your day to day life.

    You're obviously jealous of her current situation and possible future endeavors when it comes to her modeling. If you truly do love her, its an experience that comes once in a life time, for her to pass it up would be foolish. If it didnt mean a lot to her she wouldnt be willing to leave every back at 'home' and move into the city.
     
  4. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Exactly.

    Easier said than done. Which is why I need healthy ruitines.
     
  5. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    sadly for you, things like this will always be a part of young relationships. you both are still trying to find out who you are, what you want to do in life, where you are going, etc. It may or may not be the same place that your SO is going. in the end, you need to do what is best for you, and she needs to do what is best for her.

    she made her choice to go after her dream and push her life in the direction she wants to go. you cant blame her sister for this, your gf is an adult and made the adult decision to move.

    you either have to support what she is doing (calling your focus more legitimate is not support, being unsure about her self control is not support) and trust her while she is gone, or you need to break up with her. im not saying that she can do no wrong while she is gone. if she calls you and tells you stories that you feel are shady, then break up.

    long distances sucks, no question about that, but you gotta either suck it up and deal, or end it and move on
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yikes, this probably won't end well....

    The sad truth that you want to ignore is she values herself over you and your relationship-it's that cut and dry. You are obviously extremely dependent on her, that's no secret...and all her "I love you, we'll make it through this with work :mb:" are just words. Actions > Words. If she truly loved you, truly was wanted to do what's best for your relationship she wouldn't have up and left you the second she heard about one casting call.

    The problem is she's now going to move on. She's beautiful and in a city filled with other hot aspiring actors/models. Your jealousy is going to boil over just heating about the things she does while you are stuck living the typical college life.

    You being clingy AND jealous is the worst personality traits ever for an LDR. I honestly don't know really what to tell you other than good luck, try to focus on yourself because that's what she's doing, and don't call and text her constantly, because if she's busy it's eventually going to annoy her.
     
  7. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    I mean you hit the nail on the head. I just feel backed into a corner and trapped. The only thing I can do is act on behalf of myself.

    The jealousy is hard because I want to be in the city anyway, and I've had a fair amount of smoke blown up my ass by various agencies and photographers about modeling but to me there's nothing safe in chasing something like that.

    It all comes down to what was said earlier: suck it up and deal, or break up and move on. Of course I'm just going to have to suck it up and focus on myself. Which honestly won't be hard. My schedule doesn't allow any time for not focusing which is why its good in one sense that she'll be away.

    I never saw myself as being this guy. I guess once things go this way this it how it ends up. My previous girlfriends were accessories. This girl is everything to me.
     
  8. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    I guess what scares me the most is that I've become so dependent I lost sight of the independent track I was on before I tripped and fell and that I've lost so much lying there that I can't get back what I had. I just need to get into healthy routines and be as happy and supportive as possible. I just forgot where I was and where I was going.
     
  9. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    But the healthy aspect of this post is that you REALIZE your independence is almost... non existent.

    Just open your eyes, not just literally, but figuratively, allow yourself to see the things in which were 'blinded' or put aside due to your love life.
     
  10. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    And where I am now I can only get some of those things back, granted the most important ones, but still. It's the loss of someone that I never loved in such a manner before. It's just the thought of her fleeting on to the next thing, no matter how devoted to us she is. I see the feelings wearing away as time goes on. My future is looking very cut and dry while the one I love in an indescribable way moves on seemingly happily. I've got a long road full of hard work ahead of me. I just wish I knew for certain that everything would work out.
     
  11. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Well here's where I'm at.

    She's back tomorrow for however long it takes her to move up to the city, though she'll probably be living an hour away from school with her parents.

    I'm really torn over all of this and part of me wants it to work more than nothing else. I'm in a hole in terms of letting my school work fall drastically and I've basically said fuck you to the kids I hung out with since I've started college. However I was in some bad ways and they weren't really good friends. I was kicking ass in school, but was motivated really in no other ways. At least this relationship has driven me to the point where I have no choice but to be disciplined no matter what course it takes. I've learned I must be independent.

    Here's the thing. Letting things go would be a big deal. We are both close with eachother's families, have said some pretty heavy things to eachother, and I really felt in this for life. But the more I think about the situation the more I realize we may ultimately not be on the same page and it's just gonna take a few more weeks to play out. But I don't want to be left hanging. I know I need to be supportive, but I don't know if given the circumstances this long distance thing is best. Our entire relationship has been 24/7 codependent. We've really not given eachother both a chance to be independent and in the same place. Which is why I don't know if jumping into a long distance relationship after that is the best thing. I'll do what it takes to work, but if she is on the track to move away now maybe this isn't for the best. I know I'm in this and she claims that she wants this forever, etc., but I just don't know if that will really be the case once we're both settled on our own. I just don't want to keep having feelings and emotions for something that's gonna dissipate.
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :sad2: it would be crazy to just end it now, but I know what it's like to have obsessive thoughts/worries.

    The only thing you can really do is remind yourself constantly that you need to start caring about yourself the most. That means buckling down in school, finding new friends, and getting some hobbies. Once you feel more secure about your life on your own it won't be as bad without your gf around.

    If time goes by and you do feel you two are headed in different directions, or your jealousy turns the relationship into a nightmare then you know it's time to let go.
     
  13. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Yeah, I'm gonna have to let the jealousy thing go. And it will in time.

    I've got some healthy routines planned and all I need to do now is execute. Honestly I want her to see me grow. But I have to grow on my own and I'm secretly excited about starting a new diet, hitting the gym, and focusing on school. Honestly that in itself will be so time consuming, and I'm interested in writing music on the side as well so socially I don't plan on putting myself out there as much as most college kids might, but my focus is entirely different now.
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :bigthumb:
     
  15. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    The hardest thing is just getting over the associations. Everything in my life reminds me of her now. Heh. It will balance out. It's just that we're both the kind of people that don't really believe in such a thing as a grey area which makes things hard sometimes. This will be an extreme test for us. Again, my biggest fear is just that we have never been apart like this and we will get too comfortable and distracted, and she's in a place with more potential distractions. But ultimately everywhere there is distractions, we just make the choice to become distracted.

    Thanks for listening and helping. It's actually pretty invaluable to me right now. :wavey:
     
  16. ThenCosmeSaid

    ThenCosmeSaid OT Supporter

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    dude i wrote in your other thread before. seriously, all that shit u just fucking wrote..are you serious? you are TWENTY years old. stop putting the pussy on the pedal stoolz
     
  17. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    This.

    What you need to do is something similar to "giving her the gift of missing you." The more needy you become, the more she will feel your needy energy and be pushed away.

    Woman feeling your needy energy + woman being alone in a new and exciting situation = woman forgets about you/cheating/relationship ending

    Work on making yourself awesome.

    I'm not suggesting playing games but if you want to save the relationship what you need to do is essentially make her feel like how you are feeling right now.

    You're worried about your relationship.

    You're a little jealous about her situation and modeling.

    You're spending all your time and energy worrying about if it's going to work out or not.


    She's in a new exciting environment that she loves where she's getting a ton of attention.


    To be honest, you're going to find out in a matter of weeks how strong her convictions are and how into the relationship she is. You are going to find out whether or not she is life partner material.

    Also to be honest, you guys are both young and will probably significantly change over the next few years.

    But at any rate, don't be needy.
     
  18. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    i am willing to say there is a risk that someone else is out there that completes you more than her. you are too caught up in all the love stuff for your own good. let life come as it may. shit happens, if you are not meant to deal with it the way you wanted to don't fight it. I think you just need to chill the fuck out and think about yourself for awhile.
     
  19. Boosted98gsx

    Boosted98gsx Active Member

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    If the distance ever becomes an excuse, you had better end it RIGHT then and there.
     
  20. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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