SRS Long Distance Relationship Advice

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Viz_Ru, Oct 14, 2008.

  1. Viz_Ru

    Viz_Ru New Member

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    Hi,

    So my girlfriend of 2 years is in Japan. She's going there for school and she'll be back in like late July (she left in the beginning of Sept.).

    Absolutely everything was going fine until about two weeks ago. Now I completely trust her, and she's not the type to cheat on me, and I'm not the type to cheat on her. But she's met someone from our city (from Edmonton in Canada) in Japan, and he's on an exchange too, he's about 3 years older than her.

    Now, I didn't get a chance to talk to her all weekend, and I talked to her last night. She spent the entire weekend with this douchebag, drinking whatever, I wasn't really paying attention to what she told me they did, just the fact that it was just her and him. So to "reassure" me that she wouldn't cheat on me she fucking tells me about how he has a girlfriend in our city and how he's been dating her for two years, whatever, great. Puts my mind to rest, but then she tells me that he's in an open relationship with her. She says how he's after some random chick in Japan anyway and how he wouldn't go for her.

    So now I've spent the whole day fucking pissed out of my mind, I'm so fucking angry, I wish I could get to this guy and rip his fucking gonads out through his fucking mouth.

    I've said absolutely nothing to her, last night after I found this out, I became distant slightly and just kind of brushed it off as not having enough sleep.

    1) I trust her, and thinking rationally she wouldn't cheat on me.... I hope.
    2) I don't want to say anything so that she breaks off this friendship with this guy because she doesn't have many friends in Japan. Her japanese not being that great and all.


    But, I don't know what to do, when I became distant she's like "Don't be jealous" and continued to talk about this guy.

    I'm not sure if it's me but she fucking talked about how we're SOO similar, and how I'd get along with him.

    I don't want to be fucking angry and jealous but I can't fucking help it and it undoubtedly effects my conversations with her.
     
  2. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    All I am going to say, is be as informed as possible, but dont push her on it, cause that'll just "push her" away.

    Also, based on my first, and last LDR, I thought the same exact thing about cheating. My ex was the last person ANYONE thought would, and she did. I hate to sound like a downer, but the truth to reality hurts more then thinking otherwise.
     
  3. BigBadJohn

    BigBadJohn Pay-back time OT Supporter

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    Get passport
    Buy ticket to Japan
    Buy souvenir Jap short sword
    Pay lover boy a visit
    ????
    Profit
     
  4. quzer

    quzer New Member

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    I'd like to mention that you should never be pissed off with the guy (unless he was harassing her or something), it's your girlfriend's job to tell him to back off, not his to stay away.

    Another thing I'd like to mention is that you put yourself in a really bad situation by accepting this long distance thing. Out of curiosity, how long have you been together? and how old are you?
     
  5. ASoT

    ASoT New Member

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    Shitty situation. I understand your frustration, I've been in similar shoes. You say you trust your girlfriend but I'm not so sure you do. I think you're smart enough to know not to trust anyone fully. At the same time, you know nothing is as unattractive as insecurity so you haven't said anything to her yet.

    The way I see it, you can either...
    A) talk to her and let her know how you feel.. and risk throwing the relationship out the window because of lack of trust
    B) ignore it.. and let it secretly eat you up inside
    C) play the jealousy game... start writing girls on facebook and have them reply back, etc.
     
  6. Viz_Ru

    Viz_Ru New Member

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    I like this idea. It's full of win and anger - satisfaction.

    I am 20 years old and we've been together for 2 years, it'll be 3 years by the time she comes back.

    Anyway I talked to her about it because bottling up my anger is not an option and I think that whole jealousy thing is really unhealthy.

    Also she successfully reassured me for the time being, and as it turns out that guy's girlfriend over here is fucking pissed off. (So much for open relationship.)

    But, I don't know, I think my anger was natural, considering I care about her and all...

    Sigh, I fucking hate LDR, and all the shit in entails, but I still want to be with her when she comes back.
     
  7. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    without trust, a LDR is going to be fucking miserable. you have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no way she's going to cheat on you no matter what happens. you have to be able to say to yourself "lol, this douchebag totally wants to bang her but sucks for him, she's with me." if you can't trust her that much then i can't see the relationship being successful.

    i was in a LDR with my bf for a year (we live together now), and the thought of him cheating never even crossed my mind. it's a nice feeling when you don't have to think about that stuff at all.
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I love how he is a douchebag when you know nothing about him. Just because he happens to exist there with your gf doesn't mean you need to hate him. She is the one either inviting or accepting invitations to go out with him.

    The problem is that instead of being happy that your gf is no longer lonely in a new country you are being selfish just because he is of the opposite sex. Do you even know what this dude looks like? What is he is a complete troll and your gf just needs a friend?

    Like eveyone else said, LDR's are hard, and they're even harder when you don't trust your SO. If this is the kind of thing that is going to rip your insides out you're better off ending it so you don't have to think about it. Because at the rate you are going your phonecalls to your gf are only going to get more vicious on your end. In other words, if you don't cut the anger and jealousy issues she's going to become less attracted to you and be more likely to look elsewhere, even if just for a moment.
     
  9. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    from everything you typed, no you don't.





    my advice, tell her very matter-of-factly, "hey, I know I shouldn't, but I feel kind of threatened by him being there and me not." it'll start a conversation that should be healthy for both of you.

    or she'll just stop telling you about him but continue to hang with him and it'll drive you even more nuts. take your pick.
     
  10. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    1. if you are going to be mad at anyone in the situation, it should be your gf, not this other dude. yes, it would be dick of him to hook up with her knowing she is with you, but he would not be the one cheating on you, she would.

    2. she is alone in a new country half a world away from home, doesnt know the language that well and has no friends. OF COURSE he is going to be the one and only person she talks about if he is the one and only person she knows. you are just pissed because he turned out to be a male. and just because he is male does not mean she will cheat.

    try being honest with her, telling her how its hard to hear about another guy getting to spend all this time with her when you miss her so much and wish you could be there with her instead. i'm betting she will feel the same way. then be realistic. if you cause problems, she will have more of a reason to want to stray, or even break up with you.

    and have you planned to go see her while she is there? seems like it would be an awesome opportunity to see a new part of the world with your gf as the tour guide, and a nice chance to see her before july.
     
  11. Viz_Ru

    Viz_Ru New Member

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    Yup, I suck. Well thinking about it rationally she's done NOTHING to make me think she'll ever cheat on me. But I guess I'm so insecure that I think she'll cheat on me anyway.

    But yeah I just had a good long conversation with her about how I feel, I made sure I was calm and not angry while talking to her. And I'm going to try to be as cool about this (so tempted to insert insults here) guy, so she'll tell me about him and I'm in the loop.

    @Kiri
    Yeah, I really really want to be able to do that, and I'm usually pretty good about trust. Just the fact that she's spending a lot of time with this guy and how he has an "open" relationship with his girlfriend. Just makes me think the worst of him and makes me think he'll somehow try something. Again... my insecurities ftl.

    @iwishyouwerebeer
    Well, I saw his picture in one of her albums she put up on facebook, and he is pretty good looking. That aside, considering what she's told me of his interests, we WOULD get along, but I am selfish and this horse shit is my fault. Is it bad that I always need some kind of reassurance from my g/f? I seem to always look for it... Failsauce. Anyway, I'm going to fucking cut the bullshit because I really care about her... >< And I haven't done too much damage, just been kind of distant.

    @vodkacollins
    Yeah I told her how it's hard, but I'm going to make sure to tell her to still keep me in the loop. Also I am going to visit, but because of school and money, I'll be visiting the last month she's there.

    Thanks a lot for the advice guys.... It really did help and now to just deal with my own insecurities, which will probably fix all the anger and jealousy bullshit.
     
  12. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I didn't say you suck. This says it all.......
    IMO It's better to know when she goes out with him so I'd say you're making the right choice. But then again, if you trust her you could ask her not to tell you about anything she does with him and then you'd not have a reason to get jealous *and* (since you trust her) you'd know she's not banging the guy so in theory you could sleep easier (in theory).
     
  13. Viz_Ru

    Viz_Ru New Member

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    Alright some updates.

    So I talked to her about this a bit and then after reading your responses here. I realized that I was doing more damage then good, so instead I opted to be as fun as possible and try to enjoy our conversatinons/time. Everything started to get back to normal, I felt secure and didn't give a shit about this guy.

    I know my girlfriend goes through these phases where she doesn't know about our relationship, has doubts...etc. (I think that's normal, especially considering how I've been acting recently...) Anyway she hasn't said she loved me in a long time (~3 weeks), and it's normal for us to just be like "I love you, good night" or whatever. So thinking I'm on a roll, everything's good, I decide to ask her about it, she brushes it off as not being able to say I love you to a computer (we use skype ><). Conversation continues, I'm trying to be as cool about it as possible and just keep it as a healthy conversation... (I honestly don't even know what's healthy in a relationship anymore after talking to a friend about this conversation.)

    So after a while she tells me that she doesn't love me anymore but she still wants to stay together because apparently she's gone through these phases before during our two years and that it's "normal" for her. (The other times I knew something was wrong and pressed her about it, she'd brush it off and after a while it'd go away everything would be back to normal, so this explained it.) I was naturally upset that the reason for some of our problems before was because of this. I called up a friend and asked her about this.

    She told me straight up that I invest way too much in the relationship emotionally and make her my life. That I stop doing a lot of things that I normally do when I date her.

    Digression/Back-story:
    She broke up with me in march and we were apart about ~3 months, at which point she calls me up and asks to hang out/talk. I have a choice between her and another crazy girl (like emotional issues that would make even my insecurities seem trivial), to pursue and came to this forum for help, of course... iwishyouwerebeer gives me the good advice of not going for either and just cutting them out of my life. I follow that advice for a good two weeks, at which point my girlfriends parents need some help with something (there really cool people, her step dad is the dean at the university... which is IMHO the coolest job ever) I go to help and end up talking to her for a bit... we end up getting back together... which looking at it now was a mistake.

    Anyway, during those 3 months away from her, I started reading again, playing games hardcore again...etc.. I got back in touch with friends who I hadn't talked to in forever... I never really thought about how much she affected me until my friend told me. (Love is blind??) Also I give her whatever she wants, she says jump, I say how high. I'm a sick jealous fucking dog.

    So I think that the reason why she doesn't love me is that... I'm a bitch and don't give her a challenge. Really the only thing that I do that she doesn't like is be jealous.

    I'm not sure if the relationship is salvagable but considering all the damage done, I just want to learn from this and move on... I've never broken up with someone, but I'm not sure if I want to... My friend says do it, but if I'm too scared / lack the gonadal fortitude, I should just phase her out of my life slowly, and once were pretty distant just break it off. This would be easy because it's long distance and I can just talk to her less and less.

    But what I really want is for this shit not to happen again... so for now, I want to try to be that challenge so even if it falls apart hopefully I learn something. It might seem trivial to you, but I can't even seem to make friends anymore, I get bored of them so easily.

    **All of this... just to ask, what the hell IS a healthy relationship? What does it look like, fuck, as a guy if I have a problem with something, should I be saying it straight up? Or does that make me look too weak and insecure and thusly unattractive. I know this may seem trivial, but how the fuck do I get my balls back in a relationship, or in future relationships how do I keep them? I think if I address that I won't be so jealous anymore. How much time do you spend with your SO..etc. What is unhealthy!?

    Sorry for length.... and answers much appreciated...

    Cliffs: Last paragraph is the important one **

    Thanks
     
  14. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    A good relationship is about being together, but allowing eachother to be able to do their own thing. So instead of becoming a victim of the paranoid, show that you have a life of your own to live. But here is my take on your relationship.

    She left you to rot and die where your currently residing, think about it she leaves you for like 9 months, surely the person who loves you wouldn't want to be away from you for 9 months right? So even if it was for college reasons, its an unacceptable occurance in the relationship and worst of all , she says she doesn't love you, this is only strenghtened by the fact that she is trying to see other guys. You have been to possesive of her, and you have to learn that you can only love someone , not take her hostage and imprison her. And you are overly jealous, so in my take on this you have chased her away with possesiveness,jealousy and clinging on to her. Let it be known that a girl doesn't go with a guy so the guy can be dependant on her, she wants to be able to depend on you. So here's my advice:

    The only way to undo a wrong step you made in life that lead to you making a mistake is to take two steps backwards, and make the right step from there into a good choice. Break off the relationship, re-evaluate your life, and instead of limiting your life to two girls, start exploring your oppertunities and start building your life into a good direction.
     
  15. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I didn't have to read that whole thing. I read until she said she wasn't in love with you and stopped because there's nothing else that needs to be said.

    You need to end it. Use this year she is gone to get over her. You're not meant to be :hug:

    Edit: Bleh, just went back and read it all and got anry because I remember you now from a few months back. If I had remembered you from the start or you mentioned these past issues I think the advice in here would be a lot different.

    Look, I know it's not what you want to hear but your relationship is not healthy. It wasn't healthy months ago. It's not healthy to fall out of love with your SO a few times during a relationship. I've been with my bf for over 2 years and there was never ever a time that I fell out of love with him. It's called not actually being in love. Sure, maybe you aren't a challenge for her and that takes away from her attraction to you, but at the end of the day if she truly loves you that doesn't matter. She's not keeping you around because she thinks she'll fall in love with you "again" :rolleyes: She's not dumping you because she loves the constant attention she gets from you. She knows that especially right now while she's on another continent alone that if she needs someone to talk to you'll drop everything for her just to chat.

    She possibly will cheat on you, now that I know more of the real situation I wouldn't put it past her at all.

    I think you are best off dumping her and using this humongous distance to your advantage...Not having to see or hear from her for a year will help you immensely.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2008
  16. MP18

    MP18 New Member

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    dude, whether she cheats or not is up to her, nothing you can do or say will change that

    if she does, you'll know right away and you can break up with her

    see? there are two possible outcomes, one over which you have no control so there's no point in getting mad, and for the second you know the outcome absolutely, so there's no need to worry

    if you're worried then it's a product of you being either insecure that she would leave you to be with a douche, or that she might actually be a cheating whore. in the first case, suck it up, in the latter, maybe you shouldn't be with such a person
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    well, for starters, a healthy relationship does not include falling out of love with someone and staying anyway, especially multiple times. nor does it include not saying "i love you" to the person you are with if it is a normal thing to do, and her excuse that she doesnt want to say it to a computer is bullshit. if skype if your main way for communication at the moment, then skype should be the main place you read "i love you" from each other.

    as for healthy amount of time spent with an SO...it all depends. my SO and i live together and we carpool to work, so we spend a lot of time together. that doesnt mean that we dont each have our "me" time as well. so if your "me" time is non-existant, then thats unhealthy.

    you need to just end it with her now. she is far away where you wont have the chance to run into her at all, so this is the best and easiest time to posisbly do this. stop all communication with her, dont just slowly back off. step up to the plate and do something for yourself this time, not for her
     
  18. ilovejewelry

    ilovejewelry New Member

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    Being able to communicate with someone and tell them how you are feeling and for them to care and understand and really take your feeling into consideration. The continued desire to share and compromise with your partner on any issue to reach a resolution when a disagreement arises. Someone that you continue to be intimate with(cuddling, kissing, sex, hugging one of those daily) and doing everyday nothing with them and finding enjoyment in it. That is my idea.
     
  19. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    She cheated on you, straight up.
     

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