Long-distance relationship advice

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by doubleb23, Feb 18, 2008.

  1. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    I am currently in what is basically a long-distance relationship for the first time. I have intentionally avoided them in the past, and kind of fell into this one before I knew it.

    I met my SO 5 months ago through work. We starting hooking up and over the course of the last 5 months it has become more serious and committed. I'm studying abroad now and we still keep in touch almost every day. She is going to be visiting me here for a week.

    But now I'm starting to wonder if this is for me. When we talk on the phone or the internet it's fine, but kind of boring (for both of us, I think). It's pretty much stuff like everything is ok, went out with some friends, work is pretty good, that sounds like it would be fun, I miss you, etc. And that's it, obviously, since we're so far apart. I love being with people, being close to people, having fun and going out and being intimate, laughing at the environment around us and having sex. For me, that's what a relationship is. It isn't a phone conversation here and there. I'm craving those things, and there is a girl here who is (i'm pretty sure..) interested in providing them. We get along really well and stayed at a party last night until 6 a.m., just talking. We are both learning each other's languages and it is a lot of fun. She is lovely and kind.

    It's ostensibly an "open relationship" right now, but of course it isn't at all since we still keep in touch and plan to continue the relationship when I return, etc. You know the deal. If I'm going to pursue other things, I don't want to keep things the way they are with my SO because I know that I would be pretty devastated to hear about her and somebody else.

    So, what I'm wondering is: is my relationship with my SO worth maintaining? It just seems to be lacking something and doesn't feel really substantial. The weird part is, we had a great relationship when we were together - I love her. What's happening now just doesn't seem to compare, and maybe I would be better off just pursuing other options while I'm gone, closing things off with my SO and trying to pick it up when I get home if it still is what we both want.

    Whatduya think?
     
  2. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    How long until you're done studying abroad? Did she already buy the ticket to see you?
     
  3. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    4 months. She has the ticket, although when she bought it she said something to the extent of, I know this is planning far into the future, we'll just have a good time either way, etc. :dunno:
     
  4. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    I mean what experiences have you guys had with these things? How did they work out, what do you regret?
     
  5. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    It's pretty temporary - I'll be back in 4 months (possibly 5ish, but whatever). The thing is, I know that late nights with girls have obvious end game scenarios over the long-run, but I did a lot of saving/planning/etc to get here and I can't wrap my head around not experiencing this for all it's worth.
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Sounds like you're bored.

    Completely understandable...talking on the phone IS boring if you have nothing unusual to talk about.

    And, if you two are in an open relationship....come on, that's not really a relationship at all. You're just FWB or whatever.

    Just end it, make it friendly, say that you'll get in touch with her when you get back...but until then, pursue local women.
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Aha, of course there’s another girl. Now I’m not blaming you in any way, it’s just funny how people suspiciously seem to notice their relationship isn’t working when they are interested in someone new. Anywho, it’s fine, it just means your relationship isn’t that strong or serious, no biggie. Luckily you are realizing this now, I think breaking up would be a good idea. Even if you guys are in an “open relationship” I have a feeling you wouldn’t feel good sleeping with this new woman, the same way you wouldn’t like to know she was with some other guy right now.

    My one point is…what are your intentions for this new girl? I’m hoping it’s purely sexual, because I don’t see any point in breaking up with your girlfriend to ultimately try and make this new girl your girlfriend…when you’ll be going home in a few months and then you’d be in an LDR with her!
     
  8. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    LDRs.

    retarded.


    advice: break up move on
     
  9. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    I guess you have to be skeptical around here, but I think you're wrong about how I feel about my SO. She's extremely important to me and is probably the most legitimately worthwhile thing I have pursued in a long time. She's really smart and is also pretty (read: out of my league, to some extent).

    We have been seeing each other regularly for 5 months. We actually were basically living together for the month before I left because of logistics (my lease being done, her roommate situation).

    So it's true that she is invested in me, but I'm also very invested in her - which is why there's a problem here. If I didn't care I would just say fuck it in a heartbeat because LDRs often fail, but I really am invested. I know that i'm asking to eat my cake and have it, too, but I'm wondering how other people have handled this/would handle it.
     
  10. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    I mean I was feeling this before I met this other girl. There is a legitimate problem with the functioning of the relationship - its a LDR. I don't really have any intentions with the new girl because it would be dependent on what I decide to do here.
     
  11. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    FWB?
     
  12. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    Fucking around to get it out of my system isn't an option for me, either. To clarify, I have absolutely no interest in keeping my SO on the line while I fuck Mexican women or even anything to that extent.

    You're right, it is pretty temporary. But she's graduating this year and will be far, far away. So even if I stick it out with her, it's unclear what will happen after this summer.
     
  13. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    Yeah, I could have made that original post more clear about what's happening. The other girl is more of a thought-provoker. I would definitely pursue her romantically and sexually if things were different, but things are the way they are and I have no interest in being unfaithful.

    I agree that the relationship won't be able to survive through her graduate school stuff and me finding a job after school. I'd still love to spend our last summer together, though...

    How do you explain that? "I'm gonna do other things now but have dinner on the table when I get home?" :confused:
     
  14. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    I think you already know that the best thing to do would be to end things with her. You're developing other interests and she's graduating / moving this year. From what you've posted it doesn't sound like either of you are too serious about things and that's probably better.

    If she can't get rid of the ticket and breaking up doesn't cause a ton of tension between you two she could still come out and visit for a week. She probably wants the experience... "I know this is planning far into the future, we'll just have a good time either way" sounds to me like she doesn't care whether or not you two are together when she comes out there. Where are you studying at?
     
  15. Gillzeebub

    Gillzeebub New Member

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    sorry to be negative but all im really getting out of this is, i love my SO but i want sex plz tell me its ok to feel this way. How long have u been apart so far? Have u tried spicing up ur phone convos? wecam convos etc, nudge nudge. Ive been living away from my SO for 4 months. We talk everyday, sent kinky txts, webcam, pics, fantasy emails etc etc. No its not the same as acuddle in bed at night but it all adds to the anticipation of seeing him again. They do say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I think u need to really think about how much u care for ur SO. Temporary distance shouldnt make a difference if the love is there.

    edit: why are u wasting time being together long distance if she's going to raduate and move away anyway. isnt it a waste of time?
     
  16. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    Word. Thanks for helping out with this.
     
  17. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    I'm in Mexico.

    It actually is a serious relationship - we connect on a strange level as people and although it has only been 5 months and was initially not exclusive, things escalated really rapidly, especially in the last month. That's just the way it happened.

    I know that she's moving, but, and maybe this is an underlying thing here - I don't want to let good things go to waste anymore. I've let a couple really good girls go by not being as good to them as I should be/being a drunk/not being attentive and that ended up in me just being lonely for a long time, and I'm trying to stay on a higher plane with this girl, you know?
     
  18. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    See my last post RE: why it wouldn't be a waste of time to stick it out.

    I can admit that part of it has to do with wanting sex, but it's really more about wanting companionship, somebody who I can practice the language with, somebody who has other friends, etc. Basically everything that's good about a real local relationship, including sex.
     
  19. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    Well then it sounds like what needs to be done is for you to have a serious conversation with her about where you two stand in your relationship, as Aquakittie mentioned. Find out what her feelings are and what she wants / expects from the relationship as well. 4 months really isn't too long of a time for you to be gone, so things could work out in your favor. Maybe you can fly home to visit her for a weekend some time before / after she comes to visit you.

    Also, webcam convos and stuff is a pretty good idea too. I know someone who's husband is in Iraq and they talk via webcam fairly often -- it's a little more real than a phone call, ya know?
     
  20. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    The thing is, I'm pretty sure that she wants it to remain as relationshipish as possible. So my fear is that it's going to come off as me saying that I'm going to go and fuck anything that breathes, which isn't the case.
     
  21. doubleb23

    doubleb23 Ooooo

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    We've been beating around the proverbial bush about this point. Talking about this with her would essentially amount to posing the question you're talking about. And of course that wouldn't be o.k. on her end - she's a person with feelings. And so I wouldn't ask her for that. It would have to be me just telling her that I was longer comfortable with our arrangement or something to that effect.

    It's simpler on my end because when I leave here, everything that was happening here is basically over. I'm not going to be able to afford to come back any time soon. With her, anything that she has while I'm gone is still going to be there when I get back.
     
  22. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    It seems that you want to take this relationship seriously but I don't think an LDR is for you. You don't really have the right mental makeup for it. It hasn't been very long since you've left and you're already questioning if it can work out or not. Four months is going to seem like four years if you don't think you can have a close, emotional connection with her through just the phone. But if you two are on the same page it can work :dunno:
     
  23. TornadoCreator

    TornadoCreator New Member

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    Original Poster :- Warning I have had bad experiences with women, I have been cheated on many times and have developed a cynical masogynistic nature, please take this into account when reading my future posts.

    Honestly I would say that you should always avoid long distance relationships because if breads panic. If it's for a short period of time, that's fine, however a long distance relationship will not work if it's going to be long distance longer than it's existed so far. You will let your minds wander and after a little coaxing likely let your desires wander too.

    It's cruel to tell yourselves to avoid relationships with people around you because of someone you can't realistically see regually.

    If you can see it working and can see a future go for it, don't let what I say stop you. But if you have doubts, which I'm thinking you probably do, it's most likely best to cut and run now before it becomes even more painful to do so.
     

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