SRS living in the "moment" with emotions

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by black jesus, Apr 2, 2008.

  1. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I've learned a lot of things about myself in the last few weeks.

    I get really anxious when I'm with a girl I desire. I'm not talking about super attractive or girls I think I can sleep with, women that I look at and know instantly that she's cool, and I want to be around her right now, and probably tomorrow. I can only assume by this is triggered by some cue which I interpret as favorable qualities (sexy, femininity, composure, and straight dark hair), and it makes me flip. I triggers something that makes my heart pound, and I short circuit into a mechanism where I want to leave the situation.

    When I look back on those incidents, I realize that I should just relax, slow my speech, and tell the woman what I want to tell her. "You seem cool, lets go do XYZ this week. Give me your #."

    I compensate by leaving the situation, or freaking out enough that its a self-fullfilling prophecy, like "there is no way this woman really wants anything to do with me, she's just sitting here, listening to my shit, hoping I'll leave but she's just like me, polite and caring, so she doesn't want to crush me. She won't answer when I call anyway."

    Can anyone lend some advice on this? I can change behavior, but I can't seem to change over-powering, self-destructive though.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Well everything that you do in life requires a positive attitude. A plant needs time to grow, if you stamp with anger on the seed, screaming 'you will never grow' and killing thus the seed and possibility to become a plant. Then you can never accomplish any growth. Give yourself a chance each and every single time you try.
     
  3. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    It's the "fight or flight" response... at some point in your life your brain associated this with attractive women, so now when you are near an attractive woman it goes off and since you can't fight her, you want to flee.

    I don't know how to tell you how to learn to control this, or how to "reprogram" your brain. I haven't figured it out myself.
     
  4. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Didn't we just have a thread like this a few days ago? Man, you're setting some very unrealistic expectations on yourself.

    From reading your posts, and this is just my observation, it seems like you will deem anything less than a girl saying "You're so incredible! We are perfect for each other. Let's fuck," as a failure (I'm not saying you would be unhappy if you didn't get sex. I'm just making a point).

    Those thoughts would not exist if you did not care so much about what the girl thinks of you. Who cares if she thinks you're lame? You're not going to be able to make everybody happy all the time, so why care? The Dalai Lama is probably the most peaceful man alive, but every move he makes disconcerts China. John McCain, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton have millions of people who love them, but they have the other half of the country that hates them. They don't back down from who they are (usually --- sniper fire can be traumatic), and look how successful they are in life. Abraham Lincoln was a man of virtue, and the South hated him. Martin Luther King Jr. was a peaceful man with a wonderful dream, and plenty of people hated him.

    EVERYBODY gets criticized. All of those people I listed are comfortable with who they are (except Hillary), and look at what they became.

    Nobody is liked by everybody all the time. Be okay with not being liked by every single girl. Who cares if she thinks you're annoying? That is simply her opinion, and the majority of the girls probably won't think that. If they DO think that you're annoying, I would bet that 99% of the time it's because they can sense how much you care about what they think.

    Through approval-seeking, you're giving your power away. It seems like your self-worth is in the hands of the girl you are talking to.

    It is okay to be you, man. Most of the girls you talk to are too busy worrying about what you think about them to have critical thoughts of you.
     
  5. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    sorry. I work on this shit every day. I've been thinking about it so much that I'll probably get fired soon...but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not sleeping, I force myself to eat, and haven't turned on the TV in a couple weeks. I'm old, and I'd like to change myself now so I can enjoy what I have left in the data realm. Sitting up in my apartment alone is not what I want.
     
  6. tqpolo

    tqpolo ***** Platinum Member OT Supporter

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    It's about self confident. You automatically assumed that if a girl has attractive qualities, she's better than you. So you go into a mode where you feel like you lost even though you haven't even begun. Try to think of her as a person who's no better than you or anybody. Instead of focusing on your flaws, think about your great attributes. It's all in your head, there is nothing unattractive about you on the outside. You have the money and good look but if you don't have confident, they mean nothing. If you think you are better than them, they will pick it up. And it goes the other way around too.
     
  7. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    I understand what you mean. As a brand new single Dad, full-time employee, and full-time student, I don't have much time to go out and socialize as much as I used to. I get extremely lonely sitting here in my house. I still try to make it a point to go out once or twice a week though. Sometimes it doesn't happen, like right now :(

    The only reason I mentioned the "Haven't we already had this?" is because I would hate to see you fall into the trap of only talking about this stuff and not actually putting it into action once you're around people. It can be easy to read get advice and have it make sense to you, yet once you get in social situations the anxiety rises and remembering all of the stuff goes out the window.

    I'm not saying that's what happens to you, but just be aware that it's a possibility.
     
  8. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    nah, that's what happened to me. I went out and talked to girls like crazy on saturday, monday, and tuesday, then it hit me on wednesday. I look at all these pictures and shit around the house that reminds me of the last girl, and it crushes me. I'm not wired for the dating mentality, and when women leave, it hits me hard and I don't know how to "stand-up" or generally not be crushed.
     
  9. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    can anyone recommend an e-book that will inspire some sort of self-confidence so I can get over this fear and the feelings of depression from women leaving me and thinking I have no options?

    I can't even move, but I want out of this shell. fucking shit I want out of this fucked up feeling all the god damn time.
     
  10. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Secrets of the Alpha Male by Carlos Xuma?
     

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