So it's up to you guys if you want to read or not, but it will be long, i guess it's time for me to vent. Gosh so the year 2005 is over and what has happend, all the time to reflect back on. I continually think that things will change each year, things will continue to get better but nothing does, and turning 18 this 30th and being a freshman in college, i'm beginging to realize that this life seems to be somewhat meaningless, and in the bottom of it, lame. I just got out of failing one class and getting a D in the otther, to end my first semester of school with a 2.5 gpa, making me realize that maybe my dreams of ever becoming a psychiatrist really are foolish. Ontop of this, my dad just recently had attempted suicide. I still have not and doubt i will ever take this fully in, i mean it happend almost two months ago but he just got home 2 weeks ago. The reason he did it was, wow i can't even begin to say how rediculous it is. He did it do to financial problems. I guess he tried going into realestate, and he put down 180k for 10 houses that cost 3 million. Something about time running out for him to get the 3million dollor loan, and he feared that he would loose all the 180k plus the debt that he is in currently (close to 80k) plus some money he owes for his last buisness and some other money. Basically to cut it short.. he owes alot of money to alot of people. Either way this morning my parents alongside my uncles and aunts, went to go declare bankruptcy or something on just the credit card bills or the house or something. We are supposed to move in with my aunt and uncle, for a couple of years till my parents can pay off the rest of the money they owe and once we get enough money to buy a house, i guess we will again. But i don't even know. I feel like i have so many of my own problems, in terms of self-esttem, my future, and here i am standing not sure where my family is. I was able to live life knowing that i'm not happy. But here i am know living life knowing how much shit is going on with my family, and i don't even know. I just cant handle knowing how upset everyone is around me. I feel like this is just fucking bullshit. People who do nothing wrong in life, why the fuck do they get the short end of the stick. I just dont understand. Ontop of that, the only two people, my friends who i thought i could really rely on, aren't even really tehre for me. I mean its like they both know that i have hard time expressing my feelings to my family, and they both know they are like the only ppl who i can really express myself too, and i don't know, for watever reason, are not there really. in the end, i suppose, i just can't stop help feeling that either i want to leave all this or just really fucking want someone to hold me, just hold me and i want someone to be there to tell me they'll be there forever with me, and always be with me... jus in search of i dont even know.