SRS life sure isn't what i thought it would be

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Seeders, Nov 8, 2009.

  1. Seeders

    Seeders OT Supporter

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    i have a real hard time with society. its all my fault, but the problem remains. i dont blame anyone else. i never have anything to say. everyone i meet or know wonders why i dont try to connect with them more, and the truth is i dont know. i cant figure out if its because i dont know how, or dont want to, or i just get bored, or what. i've had great relationships in the past, but every one has ended up the same way - slowly dwindling until keeping in touch no longer feels necessary.

    i got a new job programming at a small company, and while everyone there is nice to me, i make them feel awkward when i dont have much to say at lunch. i work all day in my office and dont really get a chance to socialize with the artists and everyone else, but they seem to feel like i should be. theres one guy there that is really funny and sort of depends on jokes and fooling around to socialize, and i just dont feel it i guess? they start laughing and calling eachother names, and i just kinda sit there with a fake smile on.

    i play bass guitar in a rock band with 3 other chill guys, and i cant even socialize with them most of the time. its the same problem, where one guy talks a shit load and likes to make jokes, and i just cant hang i guess.

    I dont know what my problem is. My attitude towards life has degenerated quite a bit in the past few years. I used to have more motivation. Now everything feels less important. i dont fucking care about anything. it would feel good to care, but i dont. i girlfriend would be nice, but every girl i meet only likes me till they get to know me and realize im not a social butterfly. i dont have any reason to be unhappy. i've got a good skill set, a good job, good people around me. i dont have a lot of money, but i have food, a roof, and transportation. fuck.

    i feel like kurt cobain at 1:40: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVwSmG3eYBw#t=1m40s

    im just kinda writing this all as a self examination type deal, but feel free to chime in. ill be updating a bit more probably.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2009
  2. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Sounds like depression caused by underlying maladaptive coping skills.

    Basically, youmay be depressed and probably need to find the source of your discontent and face them after learning some new ways to adapt to the changes and events in your life.

    There is more to your story, but this is just what I gather from an overview.

    My post is not meant to be an accurate reflection of your situation, it is merely for discussion of possibilities to evaluate.
     
  3. deleterious

    deleterious OT Supporter

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    for what its worth a lot of what you said is like me too :dunno:

    don't really feel the need to socialize sometimes and just think its all bullshit
     
  4. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Is it because you just naturally don't want to socialize, or is it because you have fears or other issues that hinder you from doing something you'd like?

    Most people honestly have some fears or discomfort and hinders them, leading them to actually dislike being around people -- maybe because they fear they may be shunned if they say something foolish, or pehaps because they are unable (for whatever reason) to come up with witty, refreshing, or otherwise awesome conversation? Shit, if I had to do that with all conversations, I'd have no conversations.

    Normal chat is ok, and being disgusted with saying hello to someone, even though you think it's meaningless to say hi, or ask a store clerk "How's it going?"

    If you sincerely don't care, then don't ask, but it's better to actually care about what others say. If you feel they aren't compatible with you and you don't feel their usual topics are boring or uninteresting, then it's best to find people with common interests.
     
  5. Seeders

    Seeders OT Supporter

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    Its not fear. I'm not nervous really. I get more withdrawn when I can tell everyone around me is feeling awkward that i'm not talking or i can tell they're judging me in ways that are completely off...and i dont care enough to prove otherwise. if people want to label me as whatever is going through their heads, it doesn't bother me in the least. I know what my strengths are, and what i'm capable of, and I dont need to prove it in every social encounter. but people, women especially, need that. they need to know where you're coming from or they get uncomfortable and start making shit up.

    at the same time, i dont enjoy bringing everyone else down. I dont want to ruin someone else's good time. i'm not against fun, and i dont think its all bullshit...but sometimes i'm happy with a song playing in my head and dont need to prove im capable of conversation.

    i never thought people would worry so much about everyone else around them. if im not smiling, it doesn't necessarily mean im in a bad mood, or i dont like you, or whatever the fuck you think it means. it doesn't mean anything!
     
  6. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    Are you using?
     
  7. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    Do you think small talk is bullshit? A lot of smart people do and they end up missing the point of small talk. It acts as a transition to more meaningful conversation. It's to build up rapport with the other person. Once you get better at it you can have some fun with it, much like flirting is the transition to more intimate contact. It's necessary in a social context.

    Likewise, it's not about proving that you can make great conversation, it's about rapport building. A fact is that the best conversationalists in the eyes of others speak very little so that's a good thing for you. The keys here are to smile a slow, genuine smile when they are talking (Take a few seconds to show it and it'll come off as more genuine), maintain eye contact, nod your head, keep away from negative talk, and ask questions about them or encourage them to keep talking. Fake it till you make it is a cliche that works wonders and eventually you'll find that all this small talk and acting interested in the others is real. You won't feel phony anymore as you'll genuinely want to hear what they have to say. Trust me, it will happen, I've been there.

    I can spend an hour with someone, probably only saying a paragraph's worth about me, and they will come out of it thinking I'm the interesting one. It blows me away when I think of it. I literally said nothing meaningful about myself or in general and I will effectively build up a great rapport with them and will hear from friends how that person I was talking to really liked talking with me (More like talking to me). And there are many advantages to getting effective communication down so even if you think it's meaningless, you'll want to practice it.

    And like I said, if you really don't feel like talking, then a genuine smile and some head nodding to encourage them will go a long way into them liking you and you not ruining their time.
     
  8. Seeders

    Seeders OT Supporter

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    thanks guys
     
  9. TZ

    TZ Banned

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    i'm the same way :hs:
     
  10. Divine Vengeance

    Divine Vengeance New Member

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    I've been in the same place as you pretty recently, and it was a struggle to get out of - but its entirely possible.

    When I grew up I eventually started to hate people in general for their meaningless bullshit and avoided most social contact. When I got to college as a freshman I quickly found that I had developed a quota of social interaction with friends before I got tired of them and irritated/stressed out/angry. A couple of times I even flipped out at the girls I regularly hung out with just for doing stupid drunk shit that any kid does in college.

    I'm also shitty at small talk since my tastes in music/movies/sports is either obscure or non-existent, so I tend to just stick with seriousness - I've gotten the same "oh you're so interesting" shit too (insert tragic story of relationship backfire when interesting goes awry). At parties its just terrible, meeting people is clearly not my forte.

    What helped me get over it was coming to terms with my personality and the limitations of it. I know I get tired of my friends easily, so I'll opt out of activities sometimes if I'm really not feeling it, or I'll go to say hello and grab a drink before leaving. I ended up transferring schools to somewhere 3 hours away from my original university, and it was amazing how much my relationships with people improved when I only saw them a handful of times a year versus the daily grind. I still make it a point to talk to them and keep caught up via email/facebook/aim, but I'm sure you know how much more tolerable people are when you can walk away. I used to let people drift off into obscurity, but now that I make it a point to say something on a weekly basis it seems like my friends are a lot closer. That helped me with the general boredom and lack of interest in life too, especially when I was sitting in my friends kitchen drinking with her and the rest of our friends and I realized what I had been missing when I hadn't seen them for six months.
     
  11. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Its important to say that 'you are ok as you are', You are an anti-social person, it unfortunatly has a negative ring to it, but as a person you function just fine. However in social situations you feel that people look down on you, and that you are not accepted for who you are and how you behave,this in return makes you feel miserable and not accepted even if they accept you the suspicion that they don't accept you is enough to leave the group out of your life.

    The biggest problem that i have with it is that i don't think you should give a damn what others think about you, there's 7 billion people in this world who all have a different opinion about you, you can't possibly satisfy them all, so why even try. But i think your case goes with a little more explanation.

    Humans basically just need their basic needs fullfilled, a little food, some water, and a roof on top of your head , that's it in order to survive. So i think that evolutionairy some people only feel need to fullfill their basic needs, and would say f 'it, to all the rest. I think the anti-social person is born from this situation and lack of need for others. But at one time in evolution, there was enough time for people to relax after chasing their food , and its this point were the whole cultural and social thing comes along. All this talking and extra things that are additional in life feel absolutely pointless and even restrictive to you. So you shouldn't participate in those things if you don't want to/feel like to do those things. On the other hand its important to understand that talking is NOT meant as a form of torture.

    I was also anti-social for a long time, but i realised that the only thing that i learned from being introvert is that you need to be an extravert. The reason is that you are a part of life and no matter how much you hide, you are still part of this universe. I from there started to listen to Comedycentral on Winamp for 1 hour a day every day. And it made me learn that talking can be a wonderfull thing instead of a godawfull punishment. If i can make people laugh, well that's just fantastic, instead of the dead silence that i put everyone in, i make them laugh and this adds something to the situation. Its like an extra bonus to your monthly salary. :dunno:
     
  12. baldcahoot

    baldcahoot New Member

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    This is certainly not all your fault but it does seem improving your self-awareness might help you fit in. Like one previous poster said, if you understand what your boundaries are and what situations prompt you to feel more irritated, you can select the right environments and friends to suit your needs.

    More importantly though, I suggest you take a look in the mirror. You said in one post that you don't get why people need to prove themselves to everyone, yet you are on here lamenting how you don't fit in. You feel that need to prove yourself too, it seems, and perhaps dramatizing your difficulties on this forum post allows you to escape into a defeatist narrative instead of embracing that reality. You have chances, every day, to know yourself better and know others and fit in better. It says you've posted on this forum over 3,000 times so you must have something to say. Why not try finding a better way to fit in instead of giving up on everyone?

    The way you're not smiling may be conveying a nervous energy you didn't capture in your post, or the others around you may not be isolating you as much as you feel due to your own insecurities. It's not all your fault, but you have an infinite amount of opportunities to build on yourself and learn new skills to have a happier life. Why not seize them instead of dwelling on the ways you don't fit in?
     
  13. deleterious

    deleterious OT Supporter

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    exactly me :bowdown:
     
  14. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    sounds like you are INTP
     
  15. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    If you think, then you have something to talk about. You need to stop assuming nobody else will care. People will listen if you're enthusiastic about whatever it is you're talking about.
     

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