SRS Life sucks these days and might get worse

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Apothis, Nov 9, 2006.

  1. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    As some might or probably won't recall, I have issues with girls who drink, club, etc. Unfortunately, this was a large part of my gf's life before me. We had some problems some time ago when she went out and got drunk. She absolutely refuses to give up drinking, she makes it seems like alcohol is more important to her than me. I personally see it as being as bad as any other drug. Anyway, now she is pregnant with my first kid (she already has two from her ex-husband). So I'm probably even more paranoid than ever now. But two Fridays ago she went out to a club again, and what's worse, she was manipulative/deceitful about it so I wouldn't know she was going until she'd already been there a while. I already hated enough that she put herself in that kind of environment (especially when pregnant with my kid), but her attempt to "trick" me about it just pissed me off more.

    When she came home after 1am, we had a bad fight. She hadn't been drinking fortunately, and was highly offended that I thought it was even a possibility (due to being preg). Some things ended up being said throughout the fight, like me bringing up how much I still think of her as a whore from her lifestyle before me, and worse, I mentioned something about IF she had come home drunk again, we would be over and I'd want her to get an abortion or at least not stick me with child support. Not that I would expect it to actually happen, just that I would no longer, under any circumstances, want to have a baby with her if that happened. It was supposed to be profound. This is my first kid, and I was even starting to get concerned that I wasn't "able". This kid means the world to me, and for me to even suggest such thing was supposed to illustrate how much I wouldn't want anything to do with her anymore (if she had been drinking). I want a kid bad, but not if it's going to be brought into such a horrible situation.

    I know I crossed the line. I said some "unkind" things that went too far, and I've apologized. That night, we supposedly resolved things and made up for the most part. The whole week goes by and things seem fairly normal for the most part. Until this last Friday.That morning, it was clear that she was acting differently towards me. I mentioned it and the brought up what had been said again. This time it wasn't so much a fight, but her getting some things off her chest. This was worse than the fight. In the original fight, during make-up, she had mentioned that she had cold feet about getting married. I said I understand and that's ok. We'll give it more time, etc. But this time, she said she didn't want to get married ..period. No cold feet. It's not even up for consideration now. And then she said she didn't love me anymore.

    My heart just about stopped. Here I am, living with her in a new apartment that we just got together a few weeks ago, with our baby on the way. And this person that I've committed to building a life and family with said she doesn't love me anymore. I now live in a loveless home, sleeping in a loveless bed. The next morning, on Saturday, she was actually feeling better now that she got some stuff off her chest. I was feeling worse though. We ended up having some pretty decent sex, then went to the store together. Pretty much spent the day together until she went to work in the evening. We had gone through some very unpleasant things, but now seemed to be making up and getting back on track.

    But since then, ..it's been feeling like last Friday again. She has been distant and clearly not wanting to exchange any affection with me. This is really starting to depress me, and I think I'm starting to take it out on her kids. It seems like, the less loving she is towards me, the less patience I have with the kids. I've been more quick to snap at them over stuff. I don't know if the kids have noticed anything different between "mommy and daddy", but at this rate it's only a matter of time before they do. And what about our kid on the way. Will he be born into a loveless home with a mom who doesn't seem to want much of anything to do with dad?

    I will not leave her. Lease issues aside, I will not have my kid end up like the current ones ..being raised by someone other than their own dad. I want us to have a nice, happy, family. I want my kid to be brought into this nice happy family, not a broken home. I don't want my kid being raised by a new daddy. Of course, it's equally likely that (imo) that my would return to her old ways and my kid would just grow up seeing an endless series of random guys hooking up with her. She would probably start drinking more again and going to clubs more. She never had any trouble getting guys to fuck her before, and I'm sure that wouldn't have changed. I can't stand the thought of my kid being raised in either scenario. The ONLY acceptable scenario is with me around as daddy. Us breaking up isn't an option as far as I'm concerned ..not now that there will be a kid between us.

    I'm hoping that she will get over this and we can be a happy family again. But how things are now isn't going to work. I'm miserable, and she must be too. We need to get past this for the sake of ..everything. I don't know what to do, except keep trying to act like everything is normal, take the kids to school in the morning, the usual routine. But things aren't normal. She never says "I love you" anymore, regardless of if I say it. She is not affectionate towards me anymore. When she comes home from work and joins me in bed, she doesn't try to feel-me-up anymore, or cuddle, or kiss, or touch me at all really. When I try to show any affection or intimacy towards he, she is either neutral or notably unreceptive. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

    She is pregnant right now so her hormones are all screwy anyway, probably fueling this thing more than it otherwise would be. All I can think to do is try to wait it out. I've vowed to be more respectful towards her from now on, as I've recognized that, though I'm not physically abusive, I have been known to be pretty hurtful verbally when my buttons get pushed. I don't want to lose my family. I can't let that happen. I know I need to try not to turn into such an asshole when she makes me mad, and even to not let myself get so upset over certain things in the first place. I know I crossed the line and that I can't afford to let it happen again, if it's not already too late. I don't know what more I can do.

    I don't know how coherent all this is, or what I expect anyone to say, but thanks for reading if you did. I need to talk to somebody about this, and I haven't had much luck with talking to her apparently. I'm wondering if I should bring it up to her again in the near future or ..what? Should I just stop caring and distance myself from her too? That seems counterproductive to me. But I don't know how much emotional energy I have left to keep trying to redeem myself to her when she just doesn't seem to care anymore.
    :wtc:
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2006
  2. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    I don't think she is beyond reason, despite being a pregnant female. Maybe I'm just naive, but I have to believe that this can be worked out. It's not like either of us cheated on the other. I don't want to end things over this. If we can both learn something from it and move forward, there may be hope.

    When I told her that I vowed to show her more respect and not be such a jerk, I told her also that I wasn't going to be a doormat, and I was still going to be asertive and have something to say about things she does wrong. BUT I will be the effort to not be so uptight about some things like clubbing and drinking (which really doesn't happen that often anyway). I can't put all the blame on her for this. I do think she willfully or inconsiderately antagonized issues that she knows I have. But I do think I overreacted. I made too much of it and made things blow up more than they should have.

    I like to think I've learned something from this. I hope she has to (other than convincing herself that I'm a paranoid jerk and that will never change). I'm just not sure exactly what's going through her head right now, but I'm not looking to make any hasty decisions just yet.

    She is still nice to me sometimes. It seems few and far between, but I think there is still something in there. I don't think her feelings for me are dead, just that she's mad and not sure she wants to do about it. I think I've met my match with her. I've always been known to hold a grudge, but I think she's got me beat in that department. It doesn't mean she won't get over it though, especially once the hormones simmer down a bit.

    The part about her not loving me anymore, I'm not sure what to think. I hope it's not true, that she is just mad and suppressing her old feelings. How do you even define love? Is there some emotion meter that can be measured? At what tipping-point can it be said that you love someone or don't? It's an emotional state that seems pretty changeable in any case. Maybe I'm a fool. That is something else I've been known to be in my life. But I hope her feelings will change back in my favor sometime in the not-too-distant future, and I'm not ready to give up on that yet.
     
  3. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    That's one thing I have managed to learn over the years. That's why I'm trying to take what she's said with a grain of salt, and pay more attention to what she does. Her actions, though discouraging for the most part, have not left me without hope. Her actions are what tell me she hasn't given up on me yet. On Monday she had to get up extra early for work. She went to take a shower while I stayed in bed half asleep. When she got out, she came back to bed to hold me for a moment. Yeah, it wasn't much and things like that are rare now, but it felt good. She didn't have to do that, and it's not the sort of thing I've come to expect anymore. But it showed that she's not totally cold to me yet, that she is still willing to try to some degree.

    This is something I've felt all along, and it has never set right with me that she made such a big deal about me asking her not to do these things. She would sooner lose me than those specific activities. She thinks I want to "control" her and tell her what to do, and her freedom to make her own choices is paramount to her. No amount of my disagreeing and explaining has been able to change her views on that. But on the other hand she has already made a lot of other sacrifices for me. I'm coming to accept that there are just something I won't get my way on. But that's not all that unreasonable. I mean, I'm NOT trying to control and dictate her life, contrary to what she thinks. Maybe it is asking to much to expect EVERY request of mine to go through. She doesn't do this stuff that often anyway. It's not worth losing her, losing my family, over.

    There may be something to this, but it seems like it has a high probability of backfiring and just solidifying the cold distance between us.
     
  4. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    That's entirely possible I suppose, and it's a concerning thought. But like I said, I'll just have to wait and see, at least until after the baby. The whole hormone thing makes it kind of unreliable trying to read her.

    I do tend to be pretty uptight though. Lot's of things bother me. It doesn't mean every one of them has to be a deal-breaker for the relationship.

    That's my position too. I don't think it's an appropriate environment for someone who isn't single. All the more so for someone who is pregnant. At the very least, I consider it disrespectful. At worst, I let my already-paranoid nature get the better of me (something I have to work on). Between her work and school, she doesn't get to go out much either. I can understand her wanting to take have some fun now and then, but there are just more "wholesome" or respectable ways for the mother of my child to spend that time. She doesn't agree though. She thinks smoke-filled clubs full of drunks looking to score is no different than going to a restaurant, movie, or theme park.

     
  5. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    If you value the quality of your life, you will leave that house. You can wait it out through the pregnancy and see if the hormones normalize, but I would just leave ASAP. This isn't healthy for you to sit through day in, day out. Look at all this... you know she'd choose alcohol over you? Even if she doesn't drink frequently, isn't there something WRONG with that picture?

    Stand up for yourself! In this great big world you can only depend on one person at all times: YOU. And that's why you should take better care of yourself.

    Also, is she still drinking while pregnant? That is just fucking unacceptable.
     
  6. harleysilo

    harleysilo New Member

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    She wasn't drinking while preg. according to the first post.

    Regarding this statement you wrote "It wasn't that I COULDN'T have gone with them, she just didn't want me there (because I hate those places and would have been a wet blanket for everyone). I can understand that they wanted to go. I can understand that she felt I would have been happier at home. But she could have at least said that instead of manipulating me into not going. Between the club, and manipulation, (and I found out one of the guys she fucked that she had supposedly broken contact with had started talking to her again), ..I was not a happy camper. Thus, we have our fight when she got home."

    I feel sorry for your situation. You would have thought she would have "grown up" by baby number 3. She hasn't apparently.

    I see two senarios unfolding. 1) You all split, she has your baby, baby grows up in lifestyle you outlined above, she bleeds you $$$ for 18 yrs.

    2) Hard, cold, Selfish down right heathen in some eyes advice follows.... push for abortion and leave her.
     
  7. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Abortion isn't an option. She won't hear of it, and the fact that I ever "went there" to begin with is the biggest thing she's mad about I think. So no, there won't be any abortions unless some unfortunate "accident" happens causing a miscarriage, and I highly doubt anything like that is going to happen. Besides, it's going to soon be too late for an abortion anyway (according to me, that is. I believe if you're gonna go it, it should at least be early on, like 1st trimester.)

    Anyway, we had sex this morning. I initiated it. She was still mostly asleep when I started getting close/intimate with her. By the time she became more awake, she was already horny and there wasn't much turning back from there. I really just wanted to hold her some before I had to get back to getting ready for work. But she responded by putting her arms around me (at this point I don't know how conscious she is, but I suspect not very). I started kissing her on her cheek and neck and she just seemed to be getting more into it.

    She wasn't pulling away, like I had half expected, so I took it as a good sign and kept the ball rolling. She started getting more intimate with me and started giving unmistakable signs that she wanted sex, so I went on with it. We got into it pretty well and she started calling out my name. This morning was certainly better than most lately, but I wouldn't go as far as to say it "meant" much. It was almost like so many great mornings we've had in the past, but something was different that I can't really define, probably just knowing in the back of my head thing things ARE different. She never would have touched me if I hadn't started it, and then afterwards, she had reverted back to being somewhat distant.
     
  8. pixing

    pixing New Member

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    am I the only one here who thinks that the OP sounds a tad controlling?

    yes - she's a mom and pregnant and shouldn't be going out to clubs but she's not the only one with problems to straighten out IMO

    VIper's situation was different as I see it - they were both done with the marriage. The end was excruciating and involved more cruelty than should have happened. And that was sad.

    The OP here wants to sweep in and cure the SO of her evil ways. Guess what? She's looking at you like you are her father now. A punishing, sneering, I-know-what's best-for-you father who wants to tell her what to do and when to do it. She allowed this to happen because she was not capable of being the mature adult that she is supposed to be, but now she's rebelling like a teenager.

    It's a shame that there are several children involved because neither of you sound like a prize parent. You need to tone down the judgement if you want to be happy.
     
  9. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    Hmm, it sounds plausible. But I don't see a happy marriage in this kind of relationship. If he's lucky she'll become receptive again, but if she doesn't it's not healthy for him or the kids.

    Oh I see.
     

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