Greetings to everyone in the asylum, I'd first like to apologize in advance, my first language is not English and this is probably going to be quite a long post because my problem requires some background information to understand. This is not a girlfriend advice thread. I really just needed someone to talk to and for lack of that here I am. Please be kind. I've had a very tough life, my father was very abusive and we always had problems with money. But despite this, I was always a very happy and cheerful person and I never had any problems with myself. During school I moved towns eight or nine times in total and I was always excited when we moved, new places meant new things to do and new people to meet, I never had any problems making friends or getting along with other people. I was a very outgoing person, if a little bit of a jerk. By the time I hit high school I had changed a lot as a person, I was still very active, comfortable with myself and most of all I was happy but I began to realize that the way I had treated some of my friends in the past was quite rude. In my final year of high school my father quit his job and refused to work, leaving my mother with the full financial burden which she could not handle (She has only a high school education, so her employability is very limited.) so I made the decision to drop out of high school in order to help my mother and sister by working full time. I wasn't upset or depressed at this, I made that choice myself in order to help my mother and I still to this day feel that I did the right thing. At the time I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I had no recognizable talents or skills so I felt I could also use this time to discover myself. After a while things began to look better, my father took his job back a year later when he finally realized that things were not going to work out if he carried on that way and I developed my first serious relationship with a girl I cared for greatly, my life finally had some direction, after being together for a year I knew this was the girl I wanted to spend my life with. I worked very hard (70 hour weeks as well) and saved up for the two of us to move into a small apartment together. Now this is the catalyst of my destruction, three months after we moved in together she cheated on me and of course I was forced to break up with her. I moved back in with my parents. At this point I started becoming very shy and solitary, I kept to myself at work and I lived alone in my room at home, I broke off contact with most of my friends and I quickly began to hate myself. So here I am, no friends left, no education and completely changed as a person, I became very quiet and started worrying about what people thought of me and this is all that showed on the outside. On the inside however I was the same funny, caring, kind person I had become in high school I could just never let it out because I was so scared of what people would think, and too shy to talk to anyone. After a few months of drowning in self pity I gathered my courage and determination and went to night school to finish getting my high school diploma. During this time my spirits rose a little, I started thinking to myself maybe this is not the end of the world after all, I finished my high school alone and I applied for college. I started getting really excited, this is it, this is my new beginning, I'll go to college, I'll stay in residence, I'll make a load of new friends and I'll get a good career! Maybe I will even meet a nice girl to mend my broken heart. This was my thought process over the coming months while I was waiting for the new semester to begin. However, reality can be quite cruel which was the case when I began college. I moved into residence bursting with confidence and excitement, only to be greeted by my first potential friend, my roommate with a "yea, hi to you too" followed by a slammed door. I need to stress at this time that there is nothing I hate more than being alone, I am not some angry rude person, I am a VERY kind and caring person, everyone who meets me says the same thing which is why I cannot understand the following. I went to my classes only to find that most people who started in the winter semester as I did were older people looking for a second chance, I had missed the time when those around my own age began fresh out of high school in September. However I did not give up with this of course, this was my long awaited second chance! I was happy and cheerful on the outside. I tried to introduce myself to people and I tried my best to make new friends but I always froze up or when I opened my mouth something completely stupid came out that I had no intentions of saying. Nobody ever spoke to me first, and I was unable to initiate a conversation on my own, my dreams of college were completely shattered. This is where I am right now, hiding in my room in residence typing this message on my computer, realizing that ever since grade school I have never had a real friend or anyone who cared for me other than my mother. I cannot dig myself out of this depressing cycle, no matter how hard I try (and believe me I have tried!) I cannot make any friends... There are on occasion resident events, which I do attend as further attempts to meet people but I feel so out of place and I am so depressed that I just end up standing alone against the wall beside the door. I am now at the point where I have frequent breakdowns, days where I cannot even get out of bed I feel so terrible about myself. I know people will say it takes an effort, and I have given a great effort, I have truthfully and honestly tried my best and have gotten nowhere from it. The only thought I have left is that I am destined to spend the rest of my life in solitude.