SRS Life changes, major depression.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by RandomSanity, Jan 12, 2006.

  1. RandomSanity

    RandomSanity Mobile Chyrnoble

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    Greetings to everyone in the asylum,
    I'd first like to apologize in advance, my first language is not English and this is probably going to be quite a long post because my problem requires some background information to understand. This is not a girlfriend advice thread. I really just needed someone to talk to and for lack of that here I am. Please be kind.

    I've had a very tough life, my father was very abusive and we always had problems with money. But despite this, I was always a very happy and cheerful person and I never had any problems with myself. During school I moved towns eight or nine times in total and I was always excited when we moved, new places meant new things to do and new people to meet, I never had any problems making friends or getting along with other people. I was a very outgoing person, if a little bit of a jerk.

    By the time I hit high school I had changed a lot as a person, I was still very active, comfortable with myself and most of all I was happy but I began to realize that the way I had treated some of my friends in the past was quite rude. In my final year of high school my father quit his job and refused to work, leaving my mother with the full financial burden which she could not handle (She has only a high school education, so her employability is very limited.) so I made the decision to drop out of high school in order to help my mother and sister by working full time.

    I wasn't upset or depressed at this, I made that choice myself in order to help my mother and I still to this day feel that I did the right thing. At the time I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I had no recognizable talents or skills so I felt I could also use this time to discover myself.

    After a while things began to look better, my father took his job back a year later when he finally realized that things were not going to work out if he carried on that way and I developed my first serious relationship with a girl I cared for greatly, my life finally had some direction, after being together for a year I knew this was the girl I wanted to spend my life with. I worked very hard (70 hour weeks as well) and saved up for the two of us to move into a small apartment together.

    Now this is the catalyst of my destruction, three months after we moved in together she cheated on me and of course I was forced to break up with her. I moved back in with my parents. At this point I started becoming very shy and solitary, I kept to myself at work and I lived alone in my room at home, I broke off contact with most of my friends and I quickly began to hate myself.

    So here I am, no friends left, no education and completely changed as a person, I became very quiet and started worrying about what people thought of me and this is all that showed on the outside. On the inside however I was the same funny, caring, kind person I had become in high school I could just never let it out because I was so scared of what people would think, and too shy to talk to anyone.

    After a few months of drowning in self pity I gathered my courage and determination and went to night school to finish getting my high school diploma. During this time my spirits rose a little, I started thinking to myself maybe this is not the end of the world after all, I finished my high school alone and I applied for college.

    I started getting really excited, this is it, this is my new beginning, I'll go to college, I'll stay in residence, I'll make a load of new friends and I'll get a good career! Maybe I will even meet a nice girl to mend my broken heart. This was my thought process over the coming months while I was waiting for the new semester to begin.

    However, reality can be quite cruel which was the case when I began college. I moved into residence bursting with confidence and excitement, only to be greeted by my first potential friend, my roommate with a "yea, hi to you too" followed by a slammed door.

    I need to stress at this time that there is nothing I hate more than being alone, I am not some angry rude person, I am a VERY kind and caring person, everyone who meets me says the same thing which is why I cannot understand the following.

    I went to my classes only to find that most people who started in the winter semester as I did were older people looking for a second chance, I had missed the time when those around my own age began fresh out of high school in September.

    However I did not give up with this of course, this was my long awaited second chance! I was happy and cheerful on the outside. I tried to introduce myself to people and I tried my best to make new friends but I always froze up or when I opened my mouth something completely stupid came out that I had no intentions of saying. Nobody ever spoke to me first, and I was unable to initiate a conversation on my own, my dreams of college were completely shattered.

    This is where I am right now, hiding in my room in residence typing this message on my computer, realizing that ever since grade school I have never had a real friend or anyone who cared for me other than my mother. I cannot dig myself out of this depressing cycle, no matter how hard I try (and believe me I have tried!) I cannot make any friends... There are on occasion resident events, which I do attend as further attempts to meet people but I feel so out of place and I am so depressed that I just end up standing alone against the wall beside the door. I am now at the point where I have frequent breakdowns, days where I cannot even get out of bed I feel so terrible about myself.

    I know people will say it takes an effort, and I have given a great effort, I have truthfully and honestly tried my best and have gotten nowhere from it. The only thought I have left is that I am destined to spend the rest of my life in solitude.
     
  2. toeshoes

    toeshoes Guest

    :wtc: Seek therapy and medication
     
  3. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    You're young. There is so much time ahead of you. And you know as they say "it's never too late to pick up the pieces and get going." It's definatley not too late for you. It's time you begin to pick up the pieces. I noticed you have a tendency to always have a game plan, which is great. You need to come up with one now. My suggestion is find a job, doesn't matter what, just find one. It will kill 2 birds with one stone. 1. You'll get money and it'll pass time for you. 2. At the same time, you'll meet new people your age to be friends with. You need to bring out that person that is outgoing again. There's no reason to hide him, because that's the real you. You're not accomplishing anything by hiding him.

    You've made it so far there's no reason to stop now. None of this is your fault either. It's all circumstance and it happens to some unlucky people unfortunatley. I know it's discouraging the fact that you tried to start over and it didn't work out, but sometimes you gotta try to start over more than once. I'm in a situation where I keep failing at this one thing, but I keep coming up with a new game plan every time because I have a slight belief in "you can do anything you put your mind to."

    If nothing works to get you out of the depression, it is time to get professional help. Not that it's a real good implication but from personal experience I know anti-depressants bring out the cheerful side of people. But that's just what I noticed from a few people I know, I don't know how anti-depressants work fully.

    Good luck and always remember how much you already over came
     
  4. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    Agreed. Sometimes you just need some help to get you through a rough time.
    Sounds like the time is NOW, and you really could benefit from it.
    Your life could end up better than you ever imagined.
     
  5. JointBeaker

    JointBeaker packaging engineer #2 OT Supporter

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    Somewhere on campus, find a job. :)

    I can sympathize with you to some extent, for I was/still am kind of in your situation. I'm not much of a talker, you could say...especially if it's someone I don't know from the man on the moon.

    When I was in your position (I came to a school 2hrs away from home, without knowing anyone) I met more friends thru working at my residence hall front desk, or, someplace on campus...Lots more than thru classes, because of my relatively limited social skills. :sadwavey: I dunno if you're like me or not, but when I'm around "friends" I loosen up completely and be my fun/outgoing self, but if I'm around a bunch of strangers, I become a quiet, passive guy and ultimately not that interesting...

    I've had great luck with getting out of my room, forcing myself to interact with people on my own comfort level, and making a little money on the side. :)

    Good luck man. :wiggle:
     
  6. Gladiator

    Gladiator Guest

    There are always people out there for you, I feel so depressed myself and I feel like there is no one else for me. BUt for some reason when I see another person in almost the same position as me, I think to myself, what are they talking about! The world is a big place, there are so many chances and opportunities to meet a girl/guy that loves you so much that they won't hurt you the way this girl hurt you. A lot of times someone that you care for, like a bf/gf is what can make you feel lower than low. That is what happen to me and I feel like nothing will change how I feel.

    Im almost opposite of you, I was once shy and very to myself and didn't really talk to people, this it the time when I was happiest, because I had my close friends and no one else, at this time I was 145 lbs and overweight. You would think I would be depressed but I really wasn't.

    Now im no longer overweight no longer shy. In fact I talk to alot of people and am willing to make conversation. But I don't think i have felt so self conscious about myself or hate myself more than I do as of now - after my bf cheated on me. It can be tough and I know I will get through this, and you probably will too. Give yourself sometime, things will surely look up. College is hard, I just entered University and I don't have very many friends and I keep to myself. I just want a true friend that is there for me. You don't need a lot of friends, all you need is yourself and someone who gives you unconditional love. Goodluck to you, and feel better about yourself. If things are really down in the dumps, try getting some therapy or talking to the counsellors at your college. It will help.
     
  7. svetlanalemon

    svetlanalemon A little blood and vomit on the car seat...

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    i know how you feel.


    It is definetely not comfortable to be in your own skin knowing you were once a social butterfly and then at that present moment not feeling as comfortable and as easily sociable as you once were.

    the most important thing ( i know that was a lot to read ) right now, in my opinion, is that you feel self-assured and self-sustainable. Be positive, and keep track of your thoughts...

    if needed i guess you should seek therapy but i have not sought it myself so there's not much that i can say for that one.

    we don't control circumstance, or what happens all around us, and thats something that we ourselves cannot be blamed for. However, the future is a clean slate... the past is history, and you can become the author of whatever is to come if you make good efforts.

    Good luck
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2006
  8. RandomSanity

    RandomSanity Mobile Chyrnoble

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    Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. One thing i forgot to mention is that i've also had rhumatoid arthritis since i was born, I've decided that when i go see my rhumatologist on the 12th of Febuary i am going to ask her to reccommend someone for depresson and make me an appointment.

    JointBeaker, I am exactly the way you described, Since i am alone here not knowing a single person I cannot loosen up and be myself but if i even had one good friend with me here i would be much better off. I'm not looking to make a pile of new friends, i would be perfectly happy with one or two good people who like me for who i am. The problem is those people seem to be very rare, everyone judges me by appearance and just assumes that because i'm not attractive i'm not worth talking to.
     

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