Lies, Bitter Truths, & His Wanting to Start Over

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Kim, Feb 26, 2007.

  1. Kim

    Kim New Member

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    My boyfriend of 3 years confessed to me last night that he had a sexual affair with a co-worker last December. I first caught them subtly flirting last November thru text messages. He admitted he has grown attracted to her but he didn't love her because it was me he loved. He asked for some time to think things over. Of course, I didn't give him that. I told him I'm getting out of the relationship, and he could be with her sIutty officemate. He panicked and promised he wouldn't get near her anymore. He insisted that I had to take him back because he had not done anything that was so bad. He was just confused.

    I took him back and we were happy again.

    Then last night, he came to me to come clean because he was feeling guilty about what they had been doing last December. He said he already put a stop to it before the start of the year, and that his co-worker agreed to let him go (although she had just recently emailed him a long letter which was essentially an outpouring of her love for him, and that she couldn't forget him). He said he had been loyal for the past 2.5 years, and just got confused along the way.

    I burst out crying because it really came as a shock. I furiously grabbed the phone to call this woman to confirm everything. She was surprised at first, but she admitted, albeit quite defiantly. She was actually furious at my boyfriend for telling me since they sort of had an agreement to keep it to themselves no matter what. And it all happened more than 2 months ago, why tell me now. He grabbed the phone from me and told her he loved me and didn't want to keep anything from me anymore. Said the guilt was killing him.

    Of course, I did spat out a lot of nasty things to her, and she suddenly said why pick on her alone. She was not the only co-worker he had slept with. More shock and anger from me. I hung up and confronted him again. He admitted to sleeping with another co-worker last July. They did it twice after a couple of after-office booze sessions. He offered to call her so I could get all the gruesome details from her, if that was what I wanted.

    I knew this other woman only from the text messages she had been sending him early last year. She was unrelentlessly trying to flirt with him but he would never reply. He always showed all her messages to me and she seemed quite aggressive.

    So yes, my perfect boyfriend who kept it straight for 2.5 years had given in and betrayed me over 2 sIutty officemates who perfectly knew he had a girlfriend.

    As expected, he promised never to do it again. He was begging and crying to give him another chance. He said he only confessed every nasty thing he did because he wanted us to start over, no more lies and betrayals (never was there any from my side, that's for sure).

    Now I'll be honest and admit that I still love him very much. But I'm not sure if he still deserves another chance. Practically half of my female friends are advising me to dump him. The other half and all of my male friends are advising me to give him another chance.

    I need more points of view. Is it truly a hopeless pursuit to find a man who would never get off the straight path at least once during his relationship with you? Please help. Thanks.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You're going to get a lot of "don't continue the relationship" comments, which is to be expected....and honestly 99% of the time should be listened too. Trust me, this is coming from someone who dated a guy for a few years that was cheated on and had absolutely no idea. He also admitted to them all (yeah, there was more than one girl) and asked to be forgiven, but I wouldn't have it. All the "I will change" and "it's out of my system" bullshit sounded great, and it's nice to hold on to the idea that it would never happen again. But the truth of the matter is if you really truly love someone then you wouldn't sleep with one or two people . Your trust will never ever be the same again. If you thought you saw his text messages before you better believe that after all this you'd look at him in a paranoid way for a long time every time his phone rang or he received a text.

    Even though you love him you have to believe that you are above being treated that way; that you deserve someone who doesn't even fathom having an actual affair while dating you!

    That's about all I can say.
     
  3. OoOlAlA

    OoOlAlA New Member

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    Leave him for sure. He has cheated once and will again. You give him his way and he know he can get away with it. I dont beleive if someone cheats on you that they love you. Its going to be hard for you for awhile but its going to be down hill anyway if you dont leave him. It will always be in your mind. What happens when he gets more texts? This lady obviously still wants him and he will do it. If he has a doubt about you then he is not worth being with. Put your time into being with someone who truely does care about you. People cheat because they know they can get away with it. Let him know your not a push over and you do NOT allow this and leave him and do not look back. Dont listen to his sorry ass excuses. Be strong and show him no weakness. Get away from him and it will get easier.
     
  4. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Listen to her. Its going to be hard. But your relationship can't be the same after somthing like this, for all of the reasons she stated. And it is true, an individual who is ok with disrespecting someone he loves to this degree, will be able to do it again. You will spend the rest of your time with him wondering who he is with and what he is doing. you will grow to resent each other, you would do much better to leave now.
     
  5. Kim

    Kim New Member

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    Thank you. You're all right. I've said practically the same things to him... that he didn't exactly prove any love for me when he was screwing around with these girls. And it's not like just a one-night-stand thing. The 2nd affair even went on for a month.

    Sigh. It's gonna be hard. At this point, I'm almost ready to give up on all men. I had to end my previous relationship because my then-considered friend confessed that she had been sleeping with my boyfriend at that time. He didn't deny, but he was sorry. Ha! :mad:

    Men.... :sad2:
     
  6. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Keep us updated!
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I felt that way too after said relationship in previous post...I didn't really date anyone for at least 2 years. I think back now and realize how good that was because I enjoyed being single and free and learned a lot about myself. I think most people tend to freak out and rush into another relationship and it ends up being pointless. Eventually I realized that some people are just bad human beings and knew that being positive about a future guy would increase my possibilities a hell of a lot more than staying on a cynical route assuming that all men cheat.
     
  8. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    :ugh:

    You are mocking her pain. There is nothing refreshing about her boyfriend bending over some other girl. It happens all of the time. Men and women both cheat. Do you have anything supporting this besides your own oberservations?

    You really should have kept that to yourself. She is looking for support, not another guy making her feel like shit.
     
  9. Kim

    Kim New Member

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    Really? I would love to live where you are. Haha.

    Here in the office, every morning, I hear stories of some co-workers' cheating husbands. Accounts of cheating wives or girlfriends are not very common. Perhaps those men who got cheated on are embarassed to tell anybody. Haha.

    What's with the cheating, anyway? What's the point?
     
  10. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Who knows. My guess: you know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you first meet someone new? we all chase that, and confuse it for more than it is.
     
  11. Kim

    Kim New Member

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    VIPER: Oh. Ouch. :hugot:

    DEMOSNAT: Yeah, that could also be it. But if they intend to pursue the "excitement", they should at least be fair. Break up with the current girlfriend/boyfriend, and hook up with the new.
     
  12. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Of course. Its a terrible thing to do to someone. Just a guess as to why. Who knows. I've never cheated but my ex cheated on me once. It played out a lot like yours did. Him crying and saying he could change. Since then I really have wondered exactly why people do it. With us, our relationship had gone to shit anyway, but it happens in otherwise happy relationships too. Its something I would really like to understand.
     
  13. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    How did that work out? I've never actually known an (adult) woman who cheated on her long term SO. I wonder if the circumstance/resolutions are similar.
     
  14. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    A small percentage of men comprise the group that many women are attracted to, therefore these men have much more frequent opportunities at sex outside the relationship than the average man would.

    Additionally, men in this group typically have higher than normal testosterone (and sex drive), which makes it more difficult for them to control themselves.

    Women almost always want the men that all the other women want.

    In my opinion, this man is going to continue to cheat. I doubt he even considers what he did "wrong," except for the fact that he got in trouble of course. And what an idiot to actually tell you about if it was over. By telling you and "getting it off his chest," he feels much better and you feel much worse. I think thats even more selfish than actually cheating on you.

    Hopefully next time you will be able to find a man who doesn't have to act on his desires, good luck.
     
  15. Martinj

    Martinj New Member

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    Kim, so he wanted to tell you everything but he didnt tell you form the start about the other co-worker at first?
     
  16. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Dump him. I can see trying to work past one instance of cheating, but you've already found out that he has cheated on you with two different women?

    He says he loves you...but has violated your trust with at least two other people. He says he will never do it again, but you know he has already done it twice, with months in between. In other words, did he feel this bad the first time it happened in July? Did he think "wow, I'll never do this again!"? Even if he did...look what happened in December.

    He's not worth it. Also...about those guy friends of yours who are advising you to give him another chance....assuming that they know he cheated on you with two different people, and they are still saying this....you nee better guy friends.

    Lose this guy.
     
  17. Kim

    Kim New Member

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    I actually asked him that. He said he was going to tell me about the first woman, but he considered telling me about the 2nd one first because she was the same woman I caught him exchanging flirtatious text messages with last Novemer. And that the decision to have sex with her was made when he was sober so he could tell me all the details.

    Before he was even done telling me about the 2nd woman, I grabbed the phone and called her. So I learned about the 1st one from her. Tough.
     
  18. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Viper is just bitter that his wife recently left him for another man.

    Kim, my husband had an affair shortly after we got married. We split up and filed for divorce, but ended up reconciling a couple of weeks before it was final. It took me a couple of years before I trusted him again. We are now 6 years past the affair and I don't think about it at all anymore (besides when threads like these come up).

    It will take dedication from BOTH sides for the two of you to be able to work through this. :hug: PM me if you want to talk more.

    edit: I thought he cheated twice with the same woman. I didn't realize they were seperate women. Are you sure this is truly the man that you want to be with?
     
  19. Xtreme2k2

    Xtreme2k2 GTI Crew ಠ_ಠ OT Supporter

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    I think its time to take the trash out :ugh:
     
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    This advice was originally posted for guys but it's good for both genders... switch "she" to "he" in the following excerpt.

    Anyone who's had an extremely painful breakup will immediately wish they had known all of this prior to their relationship. It's been relevant to me and it's been extremely relevant to friends of mine, some of them female.

    Anyone who hasn't had a painful breakup ... I wish I could just beam this knowledge into your head. Don't just read, believe.

    15.2 In ANY relationship a good method to avoid pain, mess, and eventual heartbreak is to ALWAYS look at how you are being treated and how the relationship makes you feel. NOT at what you feel for them. To do this gauges the base level of passion and attraction she has to you. At the FIRST discomfort or pain caused by the woman in your life, LEAVE. Make her crawl back and apologize. Following this method will set boundaries that will last. You leave and won't take her calls, and she has to crawl back to you crying the first time she yells at you, holds out sex or hurts you in some way, and there probably wont be a second serving of that dish. It's hard to do, but it's important to your well-being. Jaded? Flighty? No. I'd say smart, as it doesn't drag out something that's gonna end anyway, leaving you hurt worse than if it had ended sooner. " It is far better to resist at the beginning than at the end" - somebody clever.
     
  21. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    gunwitch :cool:
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    yeah .. don't spread it around though, there's a stigma about anything pua and the advice is solid so it would be a shame if it got ignored for that reason.
     

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