SRS Letting go...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by tqpolo, Jan 14, 2008.

  1. tqpolo

    tqpolo ***** Platinum Member OT Supporter

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    I've been reading Asylum and Vaginarium for 2-3 years now but more so frequently in the past year. I read every thread about people breaking up and moving on and such. I even input advices for people after a breakup. I already know what to do. I'm doing everything right. I haven't initiate any contact with my ex for 7 months now. I made a lot of new friends. I work out and gaining 15 lbs of muscles. I dated 3 girls since my ex and talked to a few more. I'm more focused on my career. I spoiled myself with anything I want to buy. Generally I'm much more happy with myself than when I was with my ex. Yet with all these progress I still feel extremely empty inside and still think about my ex every single day. I came to an understanding that I loved her tremendously but I'm no longer "in love" with her and she's not "the one". I pretty much avoided everything that can relate to her. I never go to her myspace. I never talk to my friends or her friends about her. There is a old pic of us in my car's door pocket that I would not dare touch because I'm scare of looking at it. Sometimes I feel like I'm suppressing my feelings by avoiding to deal with it. Isn't the right thing to do is avoid everything about her? I haven't thrown away any of our old stuffs. They all are put away in places of my room. Sometimes when I open a drawer and see a pic of her, I'd look away and close the drawer immediately. The problem with me about falling for another girl is that I would be interested in them in the beginning but my interest drop after 2-3 months. I'm constantly comparing them to my ex, not fun enough, not pretty enough. I still have a lot of resentment toward my ex because our breakup was very bitter. I know all I need is time to forget but it has been a year since our breakup and I feel like I'm haven't truly let go. We dated for six years.
     
  2. Victoriono

    Victoriono New Member

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    For the love of god, use paragraphs.
     
  3. Devious

    Devious OT Supporter

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    I think you are still holding on although you think you aren't. I would say get rid of all those things that you have left every all around and are trying to avoid. Having them there and knowing they are there is what is keeping her in the back of your mind all of the time. I'm not saying throw out the stuff, but get a big box, put everything in there, and store it away in an attic or basement, some where you never go.
     
  4. ady2glude707

    ady2glude707 New Member

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    im going through the same thing, its tough, but all i can say is time and finding a better person will do the healing
     
  5. onedownfiveup

    onedownfiveup Active Member

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    Get rid of EVERYTHING. If you don't then you still have in the back of your mind that you still have stuff which still keeps her in your mind.
     
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    The intellectual side is only half the battle. Doing it "Right" as some people call it. That's just the intellectual side. The emotional side can't be boxed and neatly put into cute little ribbon enshrined boxes with cute little yellow tags.

    All external and intellectual components. None of them touch the heart.

    And here we are, the heart of the matter. The messy part.

    No. What you may have learned here from people is quick fix band aids. You lost a big hand, something very important to you. While all those things you've done are great things, there is work yet to be done. The work that needs to be done is that "empty" feeling you've got. You have infact suppressed your feelings and haven't really felt the depth of the loss. It's important you look at the picture in the pocket of the car door. I suggest you look long and hard at it, you will likely cry. Let it come, it's ok to be flexible and to feel loss, it's how you get through it.

    When people said to "let go" they may not have explained to you that it was necessary to be flexible and healthy in that process. It's time to be flexible, let the feelings in, but also continue to live your life after you've felt them. They will return and then you take time again to feel them, and again you return to your life. It will subside if you allow yourself to do this.

    Perhaps you weren't ready to let go. It's ok, really. You're not a failure or stupid for doing things the way you have, it's just that now it's time to move into the messy part and to feel it. You will be able to move on with relationships and yourself inside once you've begun this part of the process. Don't expect it to be rational, or full of clarity. It may hurt, it may not make sense, but let it come.

    Forgetting isn't what you need. It's closure. Grieve your loss, feel your anger and resentment freely, then when you are composed enough and ready, you can make amends for your mistakes with your ex. She may not apologize for her part, but you can take responsibility for your half. There is "always" something to make amends about when a relationship ends. Take the opportunity when you're ready to clean that side of the street (your side)

    I'm going to go against the tide here and not recommend you throw everything out or even touch it yet. The only thing is the picture in the car door -- I want you to take it out and keep it with you for 24 hours, look at it. Do it preferably on a day you don't have much going on. It's time....
     
  7. KSNIPPY

    KSNIPPY As lost as i get i will find you

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    i guess i can relate to you somewhat. been going through the same thing with avoiding my ex and trying to figure out what to do with all of her old stuff. ive put it all away as you have, but still run across some of it or things that remind me of her and it hurts to say the least. same with dating others since her as well. it feels like ive let go but not completely somehow, youre definitely not alone in feeling the way you do.

    sounds like you are heading in the right direction with working out and meeting new people and what not. ive been doing the same thing, ive only gained about 10lbs since i started workin out :hs:. oh and awesome on the no contact with her, i know that can be sooo hard. only advice i can give is to just live life and keep making friends and occupying your time with your friends and family and hobbies, anything and everything that can keep you busy.

    oh and :wavey: fellow Atlantan
     
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    By the way, I speak from experience. I left my fiance. We lived together for 6 years. I did what you've done. It was horribly painful when I finally began feeling it, but it was necessary. It freed me once I let go. It took 2 years.
     
  9. tqpolo

    tqpolo ***** Platinum Member OT Supporter

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    I actually teared up a bit reading Metallic and Ksnippy's post. The part about taking the pic and looking at it just hit me hard. It was one of those photo booth pic that we made funny faces and kissing each other. There is no doubt I will cry if I look at it long enough. Not to say I haven't cry about her before, I have.

    Sometimes when I'm driving alone, I catch myself taking to her in my head and even out loud. I would say the things she did wrong to me and point out the person that she has become. I have to slap myself sometimes to snap myself out of it. I hate I'm still bothered by so much of that relationship while she's fine and moving on with her life.
     
  10. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    The difference is now it would be intentional. Now you can control when you grieve, and that is powerful. You'll see. They say every lament is a love song, that in our pain and grief, we still express the truth about the love we shared, the bond we had -- even through the anger and hurt.

    You don't know that. You don't know what goes on inside other people. People have their walls, their defenses, and their facades. It's time you realize that you also weren't alone in your grief, that she felt hers too. When people part ways, it's easy to see the other person as the enemy, as the "problem" the one who 'changed' - but we forget that from their point of view, the world is different, that they have needs and wants, that they have their reasons too.

    Try to feel your pain, but try to understand too, that people generally don't go out of their way to hurt people usually. All anger is a cry for help. We "do" hurt each other, but we also carry each others sometimes. We have to see the world and people as they are, not just who and what we expect it to be.
     
  11. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    i still think about the ex every now and then, i feel that is normal being that i was with her for 6 years. i thought you were ok until you started to get emotional in this thread. and from there, seriously consider the advice already posted.
     
  12. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Jesus, Metallic, come live in my fucking spare room. SERIOUSLY.

    tqpolo, listen to Metallic man.. The guys good. I can't even bother giving input, Metallic hit the nail on the head. You're progressing.. Slowly - but surely. You'll be alright man, just don't hide it, deal with it.
     
  13. skurge

    skurge New Member

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    TQ, I hear you man, did it myself, well still dealing with it. when we broke up, didn't talk to her for 6 months, then she contacts me and tells me how bad it is with the new BF(who she left me for) blah blah, then decides to stay with him after a month of making my life miserable. anyway, I dont talk to her anymore, i'd like to but I know I cannot.

    it will be a year for me next month, I know what you mean, I've moved all the pics of us into a folder and buried it on my HD, put away anything that reminds me of her

    reading other people going through this helps, I know one day i'll have to deal with it totally, but I dont think I'm ready for that at the moment.

    i've also tried other relationships, but like you said, loose interest after a week or two and just have to end it......

    i'm hoping it gets better one day...
     
  14. tqpolo

    tqpolo ***** Platinum Member OT Supporter

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    I always had a problem with express my feelings, happy or sad. More so with sadness because I don't like to appear "weak". If I do express them, I usually do them when I'm alone. In front of people, I usually act like nothing is bothering me. After the breakup with my ex, I jumped from one girl to another and go out a lot. It did help me in the beginning to suppress my pain but I still felt it in the back of my mind all the time. Now that I haven't seriously seeing anyone for 2 months now, all the feeling is creeping up on me. The reason I don't bother seeing anyone because I know I dont' have a genuine interest in them and only hurting them. All the girls I dated had a lot of feeling for me and wanted me to be their bf but I bailed out every time things get sticky.

    I know I'm not ready to open up communication with my ex. I was wondering when do I know I'll be ok to talk to her? The least I want to do is clear up the bitterness between us. I think that would help me. I think she has a bf now, I'm not sure because I never ask about her.
     
  15. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    We're identical on this issue. I handled my grief the exact same way.

    It will take time, you have to first experience your own grief long enough where it's no longer taking up much space in your mind. I've shown you how to do that in earlier posts. You have to give yourself permission. Once you can look at the pictures and go through the things you shared (packed boxes etc) without feeling angry, sad etc -- you'll be ready to make amends.

    What I did was started writing a letter. It took me 3-4 months to write everything I wanted to say, to edit it and condense it. What I wrote was how I affected her, and I empathized. I didn't talk about anything she'd said or done to me, nor how I felt about it. Making amends is about taking responsibility. Once you fully understand your part and have experienced your grief you can then say the truth.

    Usually most people who you make amends to will return the favor, but it's not always the case. If it doesn't happen, it's ok -- you are still able to let go.
     
  16. Traker82

    Traker82 New Member

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    The short answer is, "Time heals all wounds". You have read this forum for a while and so you know there is no magic word or secret activity which will make you feel better instantly. Keep on doing what you are doing and don't look back.

    Don't throw out the memories, I threw mine from a 5 year relationship and I regret it. Even though the relationship ended bitterly you were together for 6 years so there had to be some good memories.

    As for getting over here, it takes time and no one can tell you how long....I bet the majority of people here don't know your first name so I am sure they won't know how long you take to get back on your feet. Make yourself happy, hang out with friends and better yourself and believe it or not when you are not looking you will meet some one.

    Life has a funny way of distributing the good and bad so wait around and realize that you wouldn't know what bad is if you never experienced any good.
     
  17. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    couldnt have said it better
     

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